Hi Kojikun,
I've read several of your posts in which you're basically asking, "Is who I am and what I'm interested in acceptable, and what should I do in order to make myself 'more' acceptable?"
Although I know you already know that it's always wise to heed good counsel, I would also like to add that a good part of this is between you and God. When you ask God about the things you like or find yourself drawn to, what does God tell you? Are you at peace with what you spend your time on, or is something inside making you feel a bit uneasy?
I find it very noble that you are concerned with spending your time on quality things but are honest enough to state that some of the things you find yourself drawn to have brought about criticism. I can very much relate to many of the posts you've been writing lately.
My whole life, various well-meaning church people (seeing as I grew up right in the midst of the church culture) have basically told me that there is something wrong with me. People have always told me I'm too this or too that (though it was often people with completely opposite views who told me I was too much of one or the other); not enough of this or not enough of that; some tell me I think too much, while others say I don't think enough; some say I'm too serious, other say I'm too silly and immature... After a while, it's easy to lose yourself in the midst of what everyone else says you should be (especially since those very same people will often disagree on what you should mold yourself into.)
One of the things I struggle with is whose criticism I should listen to. I don't know if this will help you, but God told me a long time ago that if the person criticizing me was also just as willing to bleed out with me while I was going through a crisis, that is the person I should listen to. If the person offers only criticism and won't take on the battle with me, I move on.
It's taken me many years, but I finally came to the conclusion as an adult that many of the people who were more than willing to tell me what was wrong with me or what I needed to change were really saying, "You're not right... until you've changed yourself into someone who is the same as me or at the very least, someone I approve of."
The line between what people want us to be and what God wants us to be often seems to get blurred.
Before this post gets too long, let me give you a recent, and very personal example.
I have always been interested in things that most people, especially Christians, would consider too macabre for anyone who claims to be of faith, such as violent crimes, abusive situations, and murder. There was a time when I used to "unwind" by reading profiles of serial killers and the crimes they committed, because I have always been interested in what makes people snap and how can we prevent this in others before they go down the same road.
I'm sure you can imagine how most people have reacted to this, and that it was something I should change. Granted, I'm not advocating feeding one's soul a constant diet of the details of violent crimes in any way, shape, or form.
But I have also spent a good portion of my life talking with people about intense situations that God has brought them through, and I always feel honored when someone is willing to share the lessons they've learned from those events with me.
Some people have to deal with these kinds of things on a regular basis, and they need someone to talk to about it, which they tell me can be hard to find. Just recently, a friend told me, "With all I've told you, I'm surprised you haven't ran away screaming yet."
As soon as this person said that, it was like a Holy Spirit light bulb went off in my head. I honestly felt that God was saying, "Seoul, there is a REASON why you are the way you are; there's a reason why I've made you the way I have; and there is a reason you can't stamp out these parts of your personality, no matter how much other people think you should and have tried to squelch them in you."
I thanked the person who told me this profusely, because in that one moment, I felt like so many things in my life that never made sense before... suddenly all made sense.
Now, does it mean that I have it all together, or that I'm following God's will for my life perfectly? Absolutely not. Like you, I used to be attracted to various fantasy stories and elements when I was younger. The Saturday morning "Dungeons and Dragons" cartoon was, and still is, my favorite animated show of all time, because I loved the stories and characters and their struggles. But it was also smack-dab in the middle of the era in which Christian people were saying that D&D was completely Satanic and must be banned in every way, shape, or form (I never played the game, I just loved the cartoon.)
While I never felt particularly condemned because of such things, I do know that as I've gotten older, God seems to be moving me away from some of the fantasy worlds I was so attracted to when I was younger. I do think part of this is just getting older and realizing more of what God has for me in this life, seeing as part of my attraction those worlds was that I always felt like an outsider and an outcast, and at the time, fantasy was much more inviting than my own reality. God has a way of leading us to and from things as we get to know Him more and more, and find out what He's leading us to do in our lives.
I appreciate the things you share here, Kojikun, including your artwork, because it's a clear display of the journey you are walking with Christ, and the things you're experiencing and learning as you go along.
I will keep you in my prayers. I applaud you for seeking what God has for you, and who He wants you to be. I will pray that He will send you mentors who are genuinely interested in helping you find what God is calling you to do, and not just becoming a carbon copy of anyone else.
I'm sorry for this long post, but I've said all this to pretty much say, above all else, seek what God says about you and what you should be spending your time on and take the words of others (including myself) with prayer and caution.
Don't change yourself into being what someone else tells you is "right" or "wrong", because the only true version of yourself is the one that God is calling you to be.
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