Do I just have bad luck w/ guys?

ManiaStar · Nov 24, 2018

I honestly thought my ex was the one I was going to be w/ forever. He called me his soul mate/life/ partner and always told me that I would never lose him and we'd be together forever. I'm struggling w/ singleness because I've mainly been single my entire life. My ex was my 1 and only bf so i feel like a loser in all this and now that I know what it feels like to be loved and to fully love someone else, I miss it. My ex had also told not only his sister but, a few other people that he was going to marry me one day. It's just difficult. I'm struggling w/ being alone/being single. Whenever I go out, it's always just me and my dog --- i barely hang out w/ anyone right now --- i have few friends --- my ex was my best friend where we did everything together

cv5 · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I have to say I know you're right about that because, 1 friend I made, we don't talk much online or through text, but, in person, it's non stop talking.

I guess w/ this other guy, I was just expecting to have the continuous talking going on like it had been for the past 3 weeks --- i felt like what changed --- he seemed so eager to want to meet me saying it several times and then no texting really.

My last relationship ended 10 months ago when my bf cheated on me. So, it's a lot of pain from that and from me trying so hard to stay friends w/ him for 7 months and now just trying to let go of everything else.

As I stated, this 1 guy I know is only going to be a friend and that's ok w/ me. This other guy... well.. i don't know.. He's going to have to remain just a friend too i think. Not sure he'll be ok w/ that as much but, i don't know yet.

I'm mainly just looking for friends but, I know since I met most of these guys on a dating site, that's what these guys are looking for --- dating --- even though, several i have made friends w/, have told me they are ok w/ being just friends -- especially this 1 who is also not ready to date

You are wasting your time. Unless there are sermons, study, prayer or teaching involved.

Miri · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I see what you're saying and ok.. You know what makes this difficult for me.. Before i had gotten together with my ex, he was dating someone and he and i were just friends, but, he quickly became my best friend bc of our common interests. Within about a year, we were spending our days off together and i mean all day -- morning into the night but, nothing was ever sexual bc he had a gf and we kept it like that. I think I'm just soooo used to all that time spent w/ him that, now, any other guy that I begin talking to, in my mind, I feel like it needs to be the same w/ them as it was w/ my ex-bf and ex-best friend. I never would've thought of the 2 hour rule -- that seems soooo little to me. I had been best friends w/ my ex for 7 yrs and we had gotten together and dated the last year and a half before he cheated on me. I was spending up to 14+ hours a day w/ him and saw him all the time. I guess my expectations w/ these new guys is so high and I feel like something is wrong when they don't want to text/have long conversations anymore.

With my ex, besides seeing him just about everyday at one point, on the days i didn't see him, he would call me everyday when he was driving home from work and we often spoke on the phone for an hour, we texted everyday and saw each other very very often.
Those have been my expectations w/ these guys. I'm honestly NOT used to a text here and there. I feel like, well, esp w/ this new guy, that since he stopped texting me on a continuous basis that something is wrong and he lost interest. I guess it was similar to that guy I initially met in July --- but, w/ him... he is just a friend now and we hang out maybe once every couple of weeks and for me, that's odd -- but, honestly... maybe i am looking for something more because if i think about this other guy i've been friends w/ for 10 years now, I do not see or talk to him everyday. I haven't actually seen him in about 3 months now. Sometimes we go for 1-2 weeks w/o talking, yet, whomever does the messaging first after a couple of weeks, we both jump right back to it and we pick up where we left off. Maybe I'm ok w/ him having our communication the way it is because I never had any feelings for him and we were/are just friends. Just last night, I had a very nice/long conversation w/ him and our friendship isn't stirred just bc i haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. Why would i think these other guys would be any different? I think I'm trying to replace my ex and in reality, I will never be able to replace him w/ any of these guys no matter how much I may try. Maybe I'm trying too hard w/ them. But, w/ this more recent guy... He Had been messaging me everyday and we often had Very Very long conversations that went into the night. To have it automatically drop off, is hard.

It’s possible to have an affair with someone even if it doesn’t include sex.
It sounds to me like he was playing you both. Think about what you just typed
in bold. If he had been your boyfriend and was spending all his spare time
with another woman what would you think.

He was pretty much unfaithful to his girlfriend while he was being “friends”
with you. If he can do that to one girlfriend he can do it to another.

You might want to try someone who is a) a Christian and b) someone who
is single next time.

There are no winners if one party is playing the field. Just lots of mis trust.
It sounds like you were also happy to go along with it. You could do with
having a long think about what you want from a relationship and set
some boundaries and goals for yourself, rather than just getting caught up
in the romantic notion of it.

ManiaStar · Nov 24, 2018

Subhumanoidal said:

i honestly don't want to use anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know what that feels like. Even my ex has told me he never wanted to hurt me and even though I had told him numerous times that he had hurt me, it didn't seem to register in his mind. I know what it feels like to hurt and be hurt and i never want to do that to anyone.

Well... sometimes you need to push yourself. You don't feel like you're ready to drive but, if you push yourself to drive anyways, you Could do well and surprise yourself.

Back in April... this 1 other guy from this online dating site messaged me. I told him about my ex. Told him i wasn't ready to date. He was like you need to try. He promised he'd never hurt me and he and i could hang out and have fun together. He told me that by dating someone else, would help me to release the negative feelings and would help me to turn my attention to someone else instead. He didn't pressure me and told me he'd be there if I changed my mind.

I did not change my mind about him because for 1. you can't just jump into a relationship and start dating someone. You need to become friends w/ that person first, make sure you click and then maybe, just maybe you start to date them.

I'm technically not chasing 4 guys. The 1 guy I def know doesn't want to date anyone right now. My co-worker, no. The one guy, he wants to just be friends right now. He said if romantic feelings do come about, then cool, if not though, he'd be ok w/ just being friends. This last guy... he's the one i've enjoyed talking to the most right now and whom i'm struggling w/ not hearing from too much.

I mean, yes, I am looking to getting needs met, but, at the same time, I do have concern for others feelings. I never want to hurt/use anyone as i stated before. I just am trying to figure it out.

1christian1 · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

Yeah, I'm a hugger as well. 5 to 10 hugs after church, and it does feel good. what is your point?

cinder · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

For future reference a good boyfriend does not choose to spend his entire day off with a woman that isn't his girlfriend on a regular basis. Stay away from guys like that, they're unlikely to be particularly forthcoming or honest and such behavior incites jealousy.

Yes it's going to be tough to adjust to being your own instead of having someone there all the time to interact with and share thoughts and stuff with, but it's part of the process of healing and moving on: to be just yourself all by yourself again. Take time to heal and if you need friends join a church small group or community club or something or find somewhere to volunteer or invite your female co-workers (or classmates not sure how old you are or what your situation is) to join you in fun activities you're going to do. Looking to guys on online dating sites for "friendship" is unwise at best and blatantly self deceiving at worst. People don't join dating sites with the hopes of forming friendships (at least not friendships without benefits). And yes sometimes you do feel like there are missed opportunities and that if only the world were different this guy and I would be a perfect couple, but especially in the early stages of acquaintance and possible infatuation those are usually fantasies as we're filling in gaps of what we know about this person with our own wishes and desires.

Kaps89 · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

Hey ManiaStar,

Sometimes stuff just fizzles out and it's just not meant to be. If he's disappeared from the radar after spending ages seeming really keen then I'd probably just chalk it up to experience.

Don't feel like you have to be friends with your ex. Obviously we're in the business of forgiveness but he hurt you and that's not ok. Be civil by all means but don't be his best friend.

From a guy's perspective I'd bet my last pennies none of those guys are happy with just being friends. They're on a dating website for a reason and you know that. Personally I think you need to take a step back and reassess the situation before moving any further. Spend some time with the Lord and ask for guidance on your actions.

Whatever you do I hope it goes well for you sister!

But hey what do I know I'm just some guy on the internet

Lighthearted · Nov 24, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

Having male friends isn't a big deal, but sis, if you're trying to put yourself into a relationship kind of place...it's never gonna work if you're hanging on to your ex...nor would that be fair to the guy.
You have to learn to love yourself and stop feeling like you're unwanted or something is wrong. Take some time to heal and let go of the past so you can move forward with confidence in yourself and the opposite sex again.

shineyourlight · Nov 25, 2018

Hey there!

Sooooo, if there is a natural flow of conversation - then that is great! Since we aren't seeing the texts and what is being sent and what is being said, I can't really give the reason as to why guys are pulling away but....there could be a variety of reasons. However, if there is a change on the end of the conversation, chances are there is no interest. They could be busy, sure, but if someone was really interested - there'd be that consistent flow of conversation and there just isn't. I'm busy. I work full-time, I go to university full-time...and I still managed to get my boyfriend. There were days I didn't text anyone because of how busy I was, but....I texted him. Mind you, he texted me always first and I wasn't sending 5 texts to him in one day without a response. There was that interest in him and vice versa.

With what you said in the beginning about your ex, that kind of shows where you are mentally right now concerning relationships. Break-ups can be tough. The effect of a break-up can take a toll on someone's mental and physical state. So, I get it. I made sure to be completely over my last relationship before entering into another one. However, that's the key: I made sure I was over my last relationship. I grieved it. I cried. I mourned the loss of a relationship. I mourned of how he ended it and how I was blocked a week later. I made a choice to cry and feel sad and feel angry and to get all these emotions out. But, just because I did these things does not mean I didn't stop living. I continued going out with friends, I met new people (male, female), I had a chance to get back in the dating scene but decided not to because I wasn't ready. I planned trips, I worked out, I ate right. I mourned, but I wasn't living a complacent life. NO one has that power over me to stop living - and no one has that power over you to stop living.

I think what you need is some more healing, some more time to mourn. And that's okay. It's okay to NOT be okay. It's okay to not have everything together at all times. Sure, it is hard ad mourning is always kind of an icky feeling....but you have to do it. You gotta get through that hurdle of just being sad and angry because one day, you'll wake up, and you'll soon forget about your ex.

You got this.

Subhumanoidal · Nov 25, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I never said you wanted to hurt anyone. I simply pointed out the fact that your behavior will lead to it if you continue pursuing guys.
And you create a post about dating, bring up four guys that you've been chatting up but then say you aren't chasing them? Then what do they have to do with your dating thread?

The whole "get back on the horse to heal" idea is false psychology perpetuated by ignorant people that think that's true, when it's not really true. Grieving and healing are processes that need to be done in a healthy manner and given time. Forcing oneself into a repeat of what caused it won't heal you.
Also you don't have time to learn what went wrong so chances are you'll end up repeating it. And how can you expect to make a healthy choice in who you choose when you're emotionally wounded and still repeating the same mistakes?

Even in the world the term "rebound" is used to describe going after someone else to "feel better" about the loss of a previous relationship. It's even perpetuated as a selfish act whose purpose is to use somebody for your own gain.

This myth of things getting better if I had someone is so ruinous and has caused so much damage because people are unable or unwilling to see the fundamental flaw.
A key of a relationship is selflessness. How can you be selfless when you enter a relationship with the purpose of getting, not giving? And how can you be selfless when you are unable to trust because of what someone else did? The entire premise is a foundation of sand.
It's long proven going into a relationship doesn't heal, but brings those hurts into the relationship. I've been on the receiving end of such things, and no matter how well intended the other person was, it doesn't hurt less when their lack of healing ruins a relationship.

Sweetmorningdew78 · Nov 27, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I read your other comments too because I don't know the reason why you and him are not together anymore...He cheated on you...

I understand...that is really painful...separation from someone you love is really painful...but he is gone now... he is with someone new already....

Forgetting and recovering from your separation will take time and its painful but you have to remind yourself that its been over now...and he is there already with his new love...

Be sad,cry...grieve...do all these things it is ok... You loss someone dear to you...give your time to cry but remind yourself that when one door closes another opens...you still have a future maybe a bright future with someone...someone that will be true to his words when he tells you that "you and him will be together forever" will value and will not replace you with someone new

God bless you ❤

Demi777 · Nov 27, 2018

The worse your picture is, the worse it is what you get.
When you start being more open and realistic you might just have a good opportunity

Rapturechris · Nov 28, 2018

I think its a sign! By the sounds of it you don't want to be alone and in a relationship....I think most of us would like to be in a relationship but know that it has to be in God's timing. From past experiences i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how well you feel you get along with someone. Its actually in our nature as humans to try and get along well with everyone. If we were attracted to someone then we try extra hard to get along with them and they us. This if it pays off doesnt mean thats the right person for you...God knows our desires and needs but he also knows the end result of being with the wrong person 3-11 years down the track. People change....and the truth is we are all sinners so what sins are we hiding and what sins will get in the way of holding down long term committed relationships. I personally believe God will put the right people in our lives at the right time. If things dont seem right then maybe Gods asking you to wait and not be trying to rush things. Enjoy life...make the most of being single and serve God more with the extra time you have.

tourist · Nov 28, 2018

ManiaStar said:

Perhaps, if the next guy you happen to converse with lives relatively close suggest that you meet somewhere. You seem to talk easily with the guys but maybe it is time to take in up a notch with the next guy that clicks. About the short text on the Friday after Thanksgiving, it could very well be that he was very busy or preoccupied and didn't have the time to properly respond. Based on all the posts that I have read from you over the past couple years I would say that you do not have a bad luck problem with guys but rather just need to find the right guy. At least you are in the game and not afraid to roll the dice if an opportunity looks promising. My sense is that you will soon meet the right guy, you both will click and eventually you will both live happily ever after.

tourist · Nov 28, 2018

1christian1 said:

This was exactly my thought as well.

tourist · Nov 28, 2018

Sweetmorningdew78 said:

There is no such thing as bad luck or good luck...it just didn't work out...God brings People into our lives to teach us something to teach us some valuable lessons God wants us to learn.... some of them are not meant to stay... some stay for a while... some come so fast and leave so fast... some come so late but not meant to leave and some come so fast and stays forever with you

The one that stays He stays because he meant to stay in your life he is the right person for you the person that fits for you...the reason why it didn't work out with your ex and with anyone else. Yeah, one day that person will come and you will going to know it 😊 so don't beat yourself up because they grow distant... they just don't meant to stay...

Give yourself a time...there is a time for everything a time to heal a time to celebrate embrace every season of your life 😊 whatever season it is God is in control 😊

GOD bless you ManiaStar ❤

You provided wise empathic counsel that merits consideration. Exactly, the one who stays he stays. I like how you put that season thing too. You definitely have a lot of wisdom that you freely share with those that are in need of it.

Underhischarm · Dec 1, 2018

ManiaStar said:

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

I have bad luck with men. I’m always meeting abusive and jealous men

Underhischarm · Dec 1, 2018

I think I have bad luck too... I can’t seem to find the right guy?

1christian1 · Dec 1, 2018

Underhischarm said:

Maybe your lookin' for love in all the wrong places...

Underhischarm · Dec 2, 2018

1christian1 said:

You think so

Do I just have bad luck w/ guys?

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