Hey Everyone,
Some of the conversations in the threads had me thinking. We all know that in many societies, singles are staying single for longer periods of time, if not for the rest of their lives. I've heard some say that this is because singles are selfish and only looking out for their own best interests, which I can definitely understand (and agree with) in some cases.
Now, goodness knows, I can be the epitome of selfishness myself (but I think we can all admit to having bouts of that), so in all honesty, I have personally come to see staying single (for now, at least) as being an act of self-preservation (and also maybe a measure of protection for the other person!)
My life's wake-up call came in the form of 12 years of long-term relationships that I probably should have never gotten into in the first place. People often ask me why I'm still single, and my best answer is that I could probably find a relationship, and even a marriage, if I really went looking, but the hard truth is, it would just be more of the same things that didn't work out in my other relationships. I don't know about anyone else, but I seem to attract similar people and situations over and over again and I just know (from trial and mostly error) that I would not do well in those circumstances (I start to self-destruct), and so I avoid them.
There are just some situations (particularly drug, alcohol, and porn addictions, certain family dynamics) where I am much better at being a supportive friend rather than a girlfriend (let alone wife.) I can't be in a relationship in which someone is hoping I can save them from something or make them better (that's basically what I tried to do during those whole 12 years I'd rather forget and leave behind.)
And so in my mind, staying single is an act of self-preservation (both for me, and for the other person, because I can't be what they need.) But even then, I question myself, and I would like to ask you:
* Where is the line between preserving our own selves, and just plain being selfish?
* When is staying single fulfilling a life calling, such as ministry or a career, and when is the decision to stay single just doing what you want to do, without considering anyone else?
For example, the past several years, I've been very thankful to have a small circle of female doctors to choose from, and many of these women do not have children because they decided to focus on their careers.
I know some will say this is a selfish decision, but I tell these women how grateful I am because when doctors are trying to figure out whether there's something wrong with, let's say, your uterus--it's nice to be able to talk to someone who actually HAS a uterus--and can understand a bit of what you're trying to tell them.
Along with working, another reason I've backed away from dating is because of all the constant unrealistic expectations from those who wanted things that they themselves did not have to give. For example, it wasn't enough that I didn't have kids. Single dads 10 years older than me would approach me on dating services and they not only wanted a woman with no kids, but she had to be 25 and built like a cheerleader. And I'm sure the guys on this forum have plenty of tales about unrealistic expectations women have had for a man's wallet.
Therefore, one of the reasons I see staying single (for now) as self-preservation is because I am purposely trying to remove myself from all of the unrealistic unicorn hunting--on both sides--because I honestly feel a lot happier away from all those pressures.
And so, fellow CC readers, I'd like to ask your opinion:
* When is staying single only looking out for yourself... and when is staying single looking out for yourself in the best possible way?
Some of the conversations in the threads had me thinking. We all know that in many societies, singles are staying single for longer periods of time, if not for the rest of their lives. I've heard some say that this is because singles are selfish and only looking out for their own best interests, which I can definitely understand (and agree with) in some cases.
Now, goodness knows, I can be the epitome of selfishness myself (but I think we can all admit to having bouts of that), so in all honesty, I have personally come to see staying single (for now, at least) as being an act of self-preservation (and also maybe a measure of protection for the other person!)
My life's wake-up call came in the form of 12 years of long-term relationships that I probably should have never gotten into in the first place. People often ask me why I'm still single, and my best answer is that I could probably find a relationship, and even a marriage, if I really went looking, but the hard truth is, it would just be more of the same things that didn't work out in my other relationships. I don't know about anyone else, but I seem to attract similar people and situations over and over again and I just know (from trial and mostly error) that I would not do well in those circumstances (I start to self-destruct), and so I avoid them.
There are just some situations (particularly drug, alcohol, and porn addictions, certain family dynamics) where I am much better at being a supportive friend rather than a girlfriend (let alone wife.) I can't be in a relationship in which someone is hoping I can save them from something or make them better (that's basically what I tried to do during those whole 12 years I'd rather forget and leave behind.)
And so in my mind, staying single is an act of self-preservation (both for me, and for the other person, because I can't be what they need.) But even then, I question myself, and I would like to ask you:
* Where is the line between preserving our own selves, and just plain being selfish?
* When is staying single fulfilling a life calling, such as ministry or a career, and when is the decision to stay single just doing what you want to do, without considering anyone else?
For example, the past several years, I've been very thankful to have a small circle of female doctors to choose from, and many of these women do not have children because they decided to focus on their careers.
I know some will say this is a selfish decision, but I tell these women how grateful I am because when doctors are trying to figure out whether there's something wrong with, let's say, your uterus--it's nice to be able to talk to someone who actually HAS a uterus--and can understand a bit of what you're trying to tell them.
Along with working, another reason I've backed away from dating is because of all the constant unrealistic expectations from those who wanted things that they themselves did not have to give. For example, it wasn't enough that I didn't have kids. Single dads 10 years older than me would approach me on dating services and they not only wanted a woman with no kids, but she had to be 25 and built like a cheerleader. And I'm sure the guys on this forum have plenty of tales about unrealistic expectations women have had for a man's wallet.
Therefore, one of the reasons I see staying single (for now) as self-preservation is because I am purposely trying to remove myself from all of the unrealistic unicorn hunting--on both sides--because I honestly feel a lot happier away from all those pressures.
And so, fellow CC readers, I'd like to ask your opinion:
* When is staying single only looking out for yourself... and when is staying single looking out for yourself in the best possible way?
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