Missing what ya never had to begin with

[JessicaRose]

What the heck is the science behind missing something you never had to begin with? Bill Nye the Science guy needs to provide me with an evidentiary explanation as to why this happens... because it does not make sense.

I was in a relationship. Let’s be honest, it sucked. It met.... exactly ZERO of my expections/hopes for how a relationship should function..... yet, here I am... Sadder than a child who recieves canned corn on Halloween. And I can’t seem to get over what was even there to begin with!

Uhhh. Anyone else out there? Am I the only one? Surely in the whole wide web there is at least one other human who can empathize haha.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

It's hard to say without some details.

Things like the length of the relationship, if sex was involved, how well you knew the person before the relationship, etc... can have an affect.
Though it has to be speculated that there was enough of a connection to proceed with a relationship to begin with.
And you Did have something. Hope. Hope of a relationship that would be fulfilling and meaningful. And now, for the moment, that hope is gone.
It's also not uncommon for people to build up the memories of people we have to let go.
So the point is even a bad relationship often builds some sort of connection and a loss of connection can bring about grief.

Think about a woman in an abusive relationship. Some will maintain emotional connections with their abuser and choose to stay, even though the quality of the relationship is the worst.

Humans are designed to connect. And feel loss when connections break. It doesn't have to stem from a positive experience to have some sense of closeness.

 

[JessicaRose]

Ah, well, without even knowing, you kind of hit the nail on the head. Was indeed abusive... I looked up the different forms of abuse in a relationship, and the relationship had literally 5 out of the 6. I left... I got out... I feel like I cognitively accepted the fact it had to end. But accepting it emotionally was a different beast entirely.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Ah, well, without even knowing, you kind of hit the nail on the head. Was indeed abusive... I looked up the different forms of abuse in a relationship, and the relationship had literally 5 out of the 6. I left... I got out... I feel like I cognitively accepted the fact it had to end. But accepting it emotionally was a different beast entirely.

Well first off I applaud you for facing up to the situation you found yourself in, and secondly for not hesitating to leave. It can be so easy to make excuses for various forms of abuse and stay. So it speaks highly of you to have recognized it and left.

Abusers often know how to play on emotions as well. They often try (and succeed) to mask their wrong behavior with excessive sentiment and apologies after the fact. This can cause confusion to the victim and since people have a natural tendency to want to believe the best on someone they're involved with they will focus on those good moments and downplay the bad. Pretty common. I've done it myself.

The good news is you'll get past it and eventually wonder how you ever got into it or allowed it at all. It just takes time. And there are better men out there so never settle for such boys.

 

[JessicaRose]

He did indeed know exactly how to play with my emotions in order to get what he wanted..

Even as things were unfolding.. and as the abuse was occurring, I kept asking myself, “how the heck did I end up here? I am an educated woman... how did I get here?”

Even as I sit here, I want to remember the good moments we shared. Because there truly were a lot of beautiful moments.... but... as I look through pictures where I appear to be smiling, I am remembering the stories beneath the smiles. Yes, we are at the beach, and we are smiling together, but just an hour before... he choked me.... yes, we visited his family together and we had a cookout where laugh and jokes where exchanged, but that morning he had just called me the dumbest B he had ever met.

Life can truly suck at times.

 

[p_rehbein]

I suppose I would ask...... "Why is he not in jail?"

And, not a psychologist in the least.......but as I understand it.....victims of abusive relationships often seek to justify the relationship by saying things like "he's really nice when he isn't drinking."

They also have a tendency to blame themselves..

Again, I wonder why isn't this guy in jail?

 

[Subhumanoidal]

He did indeed know exactly how to play with my emotions in order to get what he wanted..

Even as things were unfolding.. and as the abuse was occurring, I kept asking myself, “how the heck did I end up here? I am an educated woman... how did I get here?”

Even as I sit here, I want to remember the good moments we shared. Because there truly were a lot of beautiful moments.... but... as I look through pictures where I appear to be smiling, I am remembering the stories beneath the smiles. Yes, we are at the beach, and we are smiling together, but just an hour before... he choked me.... yes, we visited his family together and we had a cookout where laugh and jokes where exchanged, but that morning he had just called me the dumbest B he had ever met.

Life can truly suck at times.

Ah, it was very bad physically as well. I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much. I find such abuses some of the most infuriating.

Yes, all sorts of people can end up in abusive situations. Don't let being educated be a reason to be down on yourself. I even knew a woman who was educated in Psychology end up in an abusive relationship. Someone you think would recognize it early.

And, yes, life sucks. But once you recognized what was happening you got out. That is the part you should focus on. The strength and courage it takes to admit where you're at and change it and start over on your own.

Don't let the negative influence of that child weigh you down. He knew you were better off without him and he has to tear you down to keep you from seeing it, but he wasn't able to do so.

I wish I knew of a magic word or some such thing, to heal you, but nothing even close exists.

 

[JessicaRose]

I don’t know why I didn’t report it.... I am aware of the damage it can cause by not reporting things like that. I’m not saying my choice was the correct one... I just wanted out, and done with it. I wanted to shove it away in a little corner and pretend like it never happened... I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want this to be apart of my life. I don’t want this to be apart of my past.

 

[Deade]

What the heck is the science behind missing something you never had to begin with? Bill Nye the Science guy needs to provide me with an evidentiary explanation as to why this happens... because it does not make sense.

I was in a relationship. Let’s be honest, it sucked. It met.... exactly ZERO of my expections/hopes for how a relationship should function..... yet, here I am... Sadder than a child who recieves canned corn on Halloween. And I can’t seem to get over what was even there to begin with!

Uhhh. Anyone else out there? Am I the only one? Surely in the whole wide web there is at least one other human who can empathize haha.

Well JessicaRose, we humans can learn from many different ways. Example is only one, but it is the best one. If we haven't had a proper relationship we surely have observed one.

I grew up in a dysfunctional matriarchal two house setting with my grandmother the head of one and my mother the other. A total of 21 aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. I did not see any ideal relationships in that mess.

So I looked outside my family and observed relationships that seemed to work. Yes, we can miss something we never had. All we have to do is open our eyes and we can see what we need.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I don’t know why I didn’t report it.... I am aware of the damage it can cause by not reporting things like that. I’m not saying my choice was the correct one... I just wanted out, and done with it. I wanted to shove it away in a little corner and pretend like it never happened... I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want this to be apart of my life. I don’t want this to be apart of my past.

Don't let yourself be brought down by that post. If you were still in it then it might make sense to ask such a question. But now that its after the fact the only reason to bring it up is to criticize. You did what you could at the time. So ignore the criticisms.

I also get your point in not wanting it to be a part of your story, but it is. You can continue in that manner, preventing healing and shaming yourself, or you can own it and use it.
I've definitely got things in my past I wish weren't there but I quit wishing them away and holding onto the guilt and accepted it. And anyone who can't accept it as part of my story? Good bye. I don't need them.
You came out stronger and probably did things you had felt you couldn't. You're more educated, more aware, been through the fire and came out proving to yourself, as well as that (beep), that you don't need him and are actually better off.
You may look at it as negative you fell into it, but I what I see is someone who overcame a great obstacle and should be proud for doing so.
Ending up in bad situations isn't the problem, because we all can do so. It's what we do in the midst that matters.

 

[1christian1]

Ah, well, without even knowing, you kind of hit the nail on the head. Was indeed abusive... I looked up the different forms of abuse in a relationship, and the relationship had literally 5 out of the 6. I left... I got out... I feel like I cognitively accepted the fact it had to end. But accepting it emotionally was a different beast entirely.

I think that it is an inherent characteristic of we as humans to resist change be it good, bad, right or wrong...

 

[Pipp]

I'm glad you made it out of that situation.
In my opinion it's super easy to miss what you don't have because your mind plays it up. At least mine does. My mind shows me all the beautiful possibilities without the reality that it's only half the picture.

 

[MariusAlexander]

A friend once said to me; "hope is the last thing to die.'' nothing bad lasts forever.

 

[JessicaRose]

I really appreciate everyone’s support... I don’t even know you people, and everyone has been so kind. His abuse was different than how you think abuse may look. For so long, he masked his abuse as a joke. We would be playing around, rough housing, and then he would choke me... but only for a split second, and always would laugh after. He did this for months and months.... always as a joke. Then.. one day.. it wasn’t a joke. And it was longer than a split second. And he wasnt laughing.... but, after, he would still call it a joke. And he would call me crazy for thinking it could be anything other than a joke... thank you all for hearing my story. This has been oddly therapeutic.

 

[1christian1]

I really appreciate everyone’s support... I don’t even know you people, and everyone has been so kind. His abuse was different than how you think abuse may look. For so long, he masked his abuse as a joke. We would be playing around, rough housing, and then he would choke me... but only for a split second, and always would laugh after. He did this for months and months.... always as a joke. Then.. one day.. it wasn’t a joke. And it was longer than a split second. And he wasnt laughing.... but, after, he would still call it a joke. And he would call me crazy for thinking it could be anything other than a joke... thank you all for hearing my story. This has been oddly therapeutic.

This is really dark and disturbing! You do know that this was his way of telling you that he could hurt you if he wanted to.. Right?

 

[JessicaRose]

This is really dark and disturbing! You do know that this was his way of telling you that he could hurt you if he wanted to.. Right?

In that moment, no. I honestly didn’t see it that way. Because again, he called it a “joke” — looking back, you are 100% right. He would overpower me in many forms. And he wanted to always show me that he had the upper hand. Psychically, sexually... and even mentally. He would tell me that I was “lucky” to date him because not many men would wanna date me. He wouldn’t use those exact words... but it was always that type of statement. He was honestly a master of absuse. Because he broke me down mentally and emotionally before he broke me down psychically and sexually.