can you guys post something funny please?
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
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A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
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I went to see my Imam for some domestic counseling on marital discord. He gave me a bucket of rocks!!. Seems a little backward--but--Very Effective!!
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?
The kid says "How the hell should I know?"
The Attorney
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" shouted the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer ...................
"My Rolex!"
"I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric...
A young Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says 'What does your mother look like?
The kid says "How the hell should I know?"
The Attorney
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" shouted the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer ...................
"My Rolex!"
"I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric...
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Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church
10. The church bus has gun racks
9. The staff consists of "Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version"
7. There is an ATM in the lobby
6. Church services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake"
5. The choir wears leather robes
4. There is no cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum
3. They have karaoke worship time
2. The ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?" before seating you
1. The only song the church organist knows is "Innagaddadavita"
10. The church bus has gun racks
9. The staff consists of "Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"
8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version"
7. There is an ATM in the lobby
6. Church services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake"
5. The choir wears leather robes
4. There is no cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum
3. They have karaoke worship time
2. The ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?" before seating you
1. The only song the church organist knows is "Innagaddadavita"
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Question: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Answer: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Question: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Answer: Samson, because he brought the house down.
Question: What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists?
Answer: Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.
Answer: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Question: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Answer: Samson, because he brought the house down.
Question: What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists?
Answer: Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.
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Why men should not write advice columns...
Dear John,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I forget my cell phone, so I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. I caught him red handed having an affair with the woman who lived next door! I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He explained that since he lost his job six months ago he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
John
Dear John,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I forget my cell phone, so I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. I caught him red handed having an affair with the woman who lived next door! I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He explained that since he lost his job six months ago he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
John
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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