Hey Everyone,
Lately I have been thinking about how it seems that many people (including myself) fall into the trap of wanting to believe that the "perfect" person is out there just waiting for us. After all, as Christians, we know that God wants the "best" for us... so surely His best would mean finding that one magical unicorn who checks off all the boxes, right? I can only speak for myself, but I have especially noticed this kind of thinking in online dating.
One of my greatest discouragements in the dating world is that most of other site members I talked with told me all about what they wanted in a woman, or what they required her to be in order to be "the one true helper God has for me":
1. I need a woman who will cook, clean house, and fit in seamlessly with my existing family (with or without children and/or ex[es], overbearing parents, etc.)
2. I need a woman with a good job so she can help me with the bills.
3. I need a woman who will learn my language/culture/follow all my family's customs and expectations to perfection so that I can meet all the requirements that my family has set for me.
4. I need a woman who is willing to have sex with me whenever I want, and in whatever way I want it.
5. I need a woman who will make me happy and make sure that I never feel lonely again.
6. I need a woman who will accept all my flaws (such as picking me up when I'm drunk), tell me it's going to be ok, and that she forgive me and loves me all the same no matter how many times I do this, and that she will NEVER leave me, no matter what I do.
Now, I understand the important of all of these things. I'm certainly not trying to say that each of these points wouldn't be something to consider in a Godly marriage, to the extent that it would be possible. And, I AM NOT saying at all that women don't have their lists as well (I'll get to that in just a moment.)
But the part that discouraged me and eventually made me take a long (several years) break from dating in general (not just online), is that I can't recall any of the men from the dating sites I was on ever asking me what I might want or need in a relationship; no one asked me what my dreams were, or why, or how I might need assistance in order to meet them, and what part they could play in that.
If someone would have done that, he would have definitely gotten my attention. Rather, it was as if there was an assumption that because a women is supposed to be a Godly help-mate, her life's dream, calling, and biggest fulfillment in life... is to be turned into anything and everything her husband wants and needs. It's as if some people seem to translate "help-mate" into -- "being, or becoming, everything I want."
Now on the flip side, I'm sure that many gentlemen here have been around ladies who have done the SAME thing--someone has tried to turn them, or use them, for everything she wanted or needed as well. Maybe some men feel that some (not all, but some) women seem to think of "a man as the provider" means, "the man should be buying/giving me EVERYTHING I want and need."
Both perspectives are obviously unbalanced (and not at all fair.)
In my own observation, it's as if someone (whether man or woman) is thinking, "I can't find my ready-made unicorn... So I'll just turn you (the person right in front of me, or the person who seems close enough) into my own personal unicorn instead!"
Now of course, I've been guilty of this myself. I remember trying to change someone's love language (quality time and presence) into my personal love language of choice (expression through words and verbal communication.) In my frustration and failure to recognize that people express and accept love in different ways, I interpreted this as meaning that the other person just didn't care.
Additionally, I can admit to being more malleable in the past and more willing to allow someone to try to change me into what they wanted to try to win their love/approval, or, most importantly to me at the time, to try to ensure that I wouldn't be alone. However, I always came back to being myself, which would always wind up dissolving the relationship.
These past several years, I have been trying to work on more of a balanced outlook and lifestyle. How about the rest of you?
* Has someone ever tried to change you according to their own liking and/or needs? How did it go?
* Did you accept these changes willingly or did you try to resist? Do you still feel caught in that same cycle, or have you (or are you) breaking free, and
how?
* Have you ever tried to make someone into what you wanted them to be? What were the results?
* In what ways have your experiences changed your current/future decisions about relationships?
By the way, this topic isn't just limited to relationships. I'm sure many people have experienced this within families and many other situations, such as a parent who tries to mold their child into being their own version of a "dream child."
I would love to hear about your experiences, what you've learned, and what advice you have for others who are caught in the middle of this destructive cycle--whether they are trying to change someone, or someone is trying to change them.
God bless!
Lately I have been thinking about how it seems that many people (including myself) fall into the trap of wanting to believe that the "perfect" person is out there just waiting for us. After all, as Christians, we know that God wants the "best" for us... so surely His best would mean finding that one magical unicorn who checks off all the boxes, right? I can only speak for myself, but I have especially noticed this kind of thinking in online dating.
One of my greatest discouragements in the dating world is that most of other site members I talked with told me all about what they wanted in a woman, or what they required her to be in order to be "the one true helper God has for me":
1. I need a woman who will cook, clean house, and fit in seamlessly with my existing family (with or without children and/or ex[es], overbearing parents, etc.)
2. I need a woman with a good job so she can help me with the bills.
3. I need a woman who will learn my language/culture/follow all my family's customs and expectations to perfection so that I can meet all the requirements that my family has set for me.
4. I need a woman who is willing to have sex with me whenever I want, and in whatever way I want it.
5. I need a woman who will make me happy and make sure that I never feel lonely again.
6. I need a woman who will accept all my flaws (such as picking me up when I'm drunk), tell me it's going to be ok, and that she forgive me and loves me all the same no matter how many times I do this, and that she will NEVER leave me, no matter what I do.
Now, I understand the important of all of these things. I'm certainly not trying to say that each of these points wouldn't be something to consider in a Godly marriage, to the extent that it would be possible. And, I AM NOT saying at all that women don't have their lists as well (I'll get to that in just a moment.)
But the part that discouraged me and eventually made me take a long (several years) break from dating in general (not just online), is that I can't recall any of the men from the dating sites I was on ever asking me what I might want or need in a relationship; no one asked me what my dreams were, or why, or how I might need assistance in order to meet them, and what part they could play in that.
If someone would have done that, he would have definitely gotten my attention. Rather, it was as if there was an assumption that because a women is supposed to be a Godly help-mate, her life's dream, calling, and biggest fulfillment in life... is to be turned into anything and everything her husband wants and needs. It's as if some people seem to translate "help-mate" into -- "being, or becoming, everything I want."
Now on the flip side, I'm sure that many gentlemen here have been around ladies who have done the SAME thing--someone has tried to turn them, or use them, for everything she wanted or needed as well. Maybe some men feel that some (not all, but some) women seem to think of "a man as the provider" means, "the man should be buying/giving me EVERYTHING I want and need."
Both perspectives are obviously unbalanced (and not at all fair.)
In my own observation, it's as if someone (whether man or woman) is thinking, "I can't find my ready-made unicorn... So I'll just turn you (the person right in front of me, or the person who seems close enough) into my own personal unicorn instead!"
Now of course, I've been guilty of this myself. I remember trying to change someone's love language (quality time and presence) into my personal love language of choice (expression through words and verbal communication.) In my frustration and failure to recognize that people express and accept love in different ways, I interpreted this as meaning that the other person just didn't care.
Additionally, I can admit to being more malleable in the past and more willing to allow someone to try to change me into what they wanted to try to win their love/approval, or, most importantly to me at the time, to try to ensure that I wouldn't be alone. However, I always came back to being myself, which would always wind up dissolving the relationship.
These past several years, I have been trying to work on more of a balanced outlook and lifestyle. How about the rest of you?
* Has someone ever tried to change you according to their own liking and/or needs? How did it go?
* Did you accept these changes willingly or did you try to resist? Do you still feel caught in that same cycle, or have you (or are you) breaking free, and
how?
* Have you ever tried to make someone into what you wanted them to be? What were the results?
* In what ways have your experiences changed your current/future decisions about relationships?
By the way, this topic isn't just limited to relationships. I'm sure many people have experienced this within families and many other situations, such as a parent who tries to mold their child into being their own version of a "dream child."
I would love to hear about your experiences, what you've learned, and what advice you have for others who are caught in the middle of this destructive cycle--whether they are trying to change someone, or someone is trying to change them.
God bless!
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