Visiting a grave

[Timelessone]

Before I met my wife, I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a young woman I met when we were teenagers. We fell in love. I was in the military and even being apart for 15 months for Vietnam did not weaken our love. We made plans to marry when she finished college. Issues arose and we were forced to part ways even though we were still very much in love. She died 13 years ago. I learned where she was buried 4 years ago. Not very close to home but I wanted to visit the grave . My wife isn't in favor of it. Am I wrong to want to visit?

 

[Ugly]

So you're remarried and you want to go visit a grave of an ex-fiance you still harbor emotions for decades later?
And think it's not normal that your current wife isn't happy about it?
Can't say I'd blame your wife and my guess is she doesn't think you feel as strongly for her. It may even imply to her you settled for second best.
Perhaps your Actual, Living wife's feelings should be priority over a woman you had feelings for decades ago that is now dead.
I feel sympathy for how your wife must be made to feel.

 

[Solemateleft]

Timelessone, I empathize with your predicament. It would appear that you were never afforded the opportunity for genuine 'closure' from your first Love... Given the era, circumstances (off to war), and associated limitations with correspondence during that timeframe I find it very reasonable that your heart merely yearns for genuine closure.
I suspect that if you were afforded the opportunity to attend her funeral - that may have provided the closure that you seek. If she were a first wife - your desire to attend her funeral would be completely acceptable...
I hope and pray that this life earns us the opportunity for eternal salvation and the ultimate reunion with all of our lifelong loved ones who have passed. While your wife's jealousy to appease your desire is not completely unreasonable; I sense that the sensitivity of the issue is one that has to continue to be handled with gentle loving consideration for your wife's feelings. At the same time, I do believe that you owe it to yourself to pitch your need for 'genuine closure' in the kindest most gentle way you know how. and remember at the end of the day "it is better to be married, than to be right."
Meaning - I do not think that this is an issue that warrants becoming bigger than it needs to, and most definitely pray that it does not become a deal deal-breaker...
Good Luck, and I pray that you find your closure and that your wife comes to respect your heart's desire to pay your respects to your first love...
Thank you for your service and God Bless

 

[Janna38]

There is nothing wrong with visiting a grave you are actually giving honor to your first love. And i am truly sorry for the news i bet you are really sad. Thankyou for your service.

 

[Mel85]

There is nothing wrong with visiting a grave you are actually giving honor to your first love. And i am truly sorry for the news i bet you are really sad. Thankyou for your service.

Although I do see no harm in him having visit the grave, I would also firmly say that he has to honour first his current and present wife aswell.

There needs to be a deeper discussion around what the implications are if you are to visit the grave of your ex. Remember, you are now married and part of being in a marriage is consideration for eachothers feelings and views on things, otherwise, what may seem “just a visit” to you for closure, maybe something very big and conflicting for your wife.

Wisdom & prayer is needed here.

All the best.

 

[oldethennew]

GEN. 2:24.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 

[Timelessone]

So you're remarried and you want to go visit a grave of an ex-fiance you still harbor emotions for decades later?
And think it's not normal that your current wife isn't happy about it?
Can't say I'd blame your wife and my guess is she doesn't think you feel as strongly for her. It may even imply to her you settled for second best.
Perhaps your Actual, Living wife's feelings should be priority over a woman you had feelings for decades ago that is now dead.
I feel sympathy for how your wife must be made to feel.

Wow. You have made a lot of assumptions here. First, I am not remarried. I never have been. My wife and I have been married for 49 years and, God willing, we intend to see our 50th in the spring. I think that says enough about how much I love my wife. Oh, we have walked the rocky road a few times but when we got to the end of it we were always together. As far as harboring emotions for decades, like everyone else on the planet I do have memories but to suggest memories equals feelings of the heart, I don't think so. To suggest my wife may feel like she was second best, or second choice, you had no way of knowing but I am her second husband. Do I feel like I was a second choice? Of course not. My desire to visit that grave rises out of respect for someone I once knew and nothing more. The kind of relationship we once had was the only reason this question even arose. This issue has been settled but I am always interested in the opinions of others.

 

[Ugly]

Wow. You have made a lot of assumptions here. First, I am not remarried. I never have been. My wife and I have been married for 49 years and, God willing, we intend to see our 50th in the spring. I think that says enough about how much I love my wife. Oh, we have walked the rocky road a few times but when we got to the end of it we were always together. As far as harboring emotions for decades, like everyone else on the planet I do have memories but to suggest memories equals feelings of the heart, I don't think so. To suggest my wife may feel like she was second best, or second choice, you had no way of knowing but I am her second husband. Do I feel like I was a second choice? Of course not. My desire to visit that grave rises out of respect for someone I once knew and nothing more. The kind of relationship we once had was the only reason this question even arose. This issue has been settled but I am always interested in the opinions of others.

Remarried was simply a typo, so chill.
And everything else I said was listed as possibilities and other ways to look at things.
I made the mistake in thinking you actually wanted genuine answers but it seems you're more interested in getting the answer you want.
Silly me was thinking about the person you're married to and encouraging you towards making HER the priority. Quite a mistake in that it seems. Your poor wife.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Before I met my wife, I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a young woman I met when we were teenagers. We fell in love. I was in the military and even being apart for 15 months for Vietnam did not weaken our love. We made plans to marry when she finished college. Issues arose and we were forced to part ways even though we were still very much in love. She died 13 years ago. I learned where she was buried 4 years ago. Not very close to home but I wanted to visit the grave . My wife isn't in favor of it. Am I wrong to want to visit?

You met as teenagers. Then you went into and out of the military and met your current wife. Were you still in love with this woman when you married your wife? Even if you weren't, this woman has been dead for over a decade. It's long past time to let her and her memory go, and get on with the rest of your life.

No, you aren't wrong to want to visit, but it would be a really unwise idea, especially since your wife isn't in favor of it. Would it give you closure? Or would it just stir up all those feelings, which obviously have never really gone away?

 

[7seasrekeyed]

Before I met my wife, I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a young woman I met when we were teenagers. We fell in love. I was in the military and even being apart for 15 months for Vietnam did not weaken our love. We made plans to marry when she finished college. Issues arose and we were forced to part ways even though we were still very much in love. She died 13 years ago. I learned where she was buried 4 years ago. Not very close to home but I wanted to visit the grave . My wife isn't in favor of it. Am I wrong to want to visit?

you know, I loved others before my husband. one man in particular and my husband knows all about my 'love life'

I know about his.

I would find it odd if he would harbor jealously over things that happened before I even knew him and vice versa

I can understand why you want to visit her grave and I am sorry for how things went down. I would think it would be like closing a painful chapter in your life and paying one last respect

while this is so, I would not argue with your wife over it. maybe you will just have to let it go. perhaps let it go for the sake of your wife and peace and understanding.

don't let anyone in this forum try to guilt trip you over how you feel. there are some people in here with unresolved issues themselves and they like to take that out on others

 

[Angela53510]

Mature adults allow their spouses to do unusual things, without feeling rejected or worried.

You are clear about the depth of your love for your wife of almost 50 years. What a blessing! I cannot fathom what harm it could possibly do, visiting this gravesite. It might give you closure.

Reassure your wife of your love, and go see the grave. This teenager you loved is not there. Just what was once her body. But, it might be the perfect place to order your memories, and pay respects to her.

Let us know what happens.

 

[Timelessone]

You said:

Remarried was simply a typo, so chill.
And everything else I said was listed as possibilities and other ways to look at things.
I made the mistake in thinking you actually wanted genuine answers but it seems you're more interested in getting the answer you want.
Silly me was thinking about the person you're married to and encouraging you towards making HER the priority. Quite a mistake in that it seems. Your poor wife.

At one time, I posted quite often in Christian forums and although I found many fine people who were truly interested in having an edifying discussion about things, I eventually came to realize there were far to many people whose only apparent purpose was to agitate and raise a tangled web of "possibilities" and "other ways to look at things" rather than stay close to the facts presented and actually address them. Belittling and mocking achieves nothing. So I left the forums years ago and confined my posts to the poetry sections. I hesitated to post in this forum and although some responses came from the heart and were helpful, others, like this one you posted, did not and were not. So, while I may post replies to some responses while this thread is still active, I will again retire from the open forums like this one.

 

[Timelessone]

Timelessone, I empathize with your predicament. It would appear that you were never afforded the opportunity for genuine 'closure' from your first Love... Given the era, circumstances (off to war), and associated limitations with correspondence during that timeframe I find it very reasonable that your heart merely yearns for genuine closure.
I suspect that if you were afforded the opportunity to attend her funeral - that may have provided the closure that you seek. If she were a first wife - your desire to attend her funeral would be completely acceptable...
I hope and pray that this life earns us the opportunity for eternal salvation and the ultimate reunion with all of our lifelong loved ones who have passed. While your wife's jealousy to appease your desire is not completely unreasonable; I sense that the sensitivity of the issue is one that has to continue to be handled with gentle loving consideration for your wife's feelings. At the same time, I do believe that you owe it to yourself to pitch your need for 'genuine closure' in the kindest most gentle way you know how. and remember at the end of the day "it is better to be married, than to be right."
Meaning - I do not think that this is an issue that warrants becoming bigger than it needs to, and most definitely pray that it does not become a deal deal-breaker...
Good Luck, and I pray that you find your closure and that your wife comes to respect your heart's desire to pay your respects to your first love...
Thank you for your service and God Bless

Thank you for your reply. I fully understand my wife's feelings about this issue and there is no chance it will ever become a "deal breaker". I convinced her sometime ago that if we died in the next hour or if we lived to be 100 years old, we did not have enough time left on this earth to spend even one second of it arguing about anything because no one knows what that next hour may bring. We talk about things and then we move on. No screaming, no throwing things. Life is better that way.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

Listen to your wife. It is labor lost to seek to make a crooked thing straight. The "flesh" must go, which typifies the personal ability, strength, and efforts of the Believer.

 

[Solemateleft]

Thank you for your reply. I fully understand my wife's feelings about this issue and there is no chance it will ever become a "deal breaker". I convinced her sometime ago that if we died in the next hour or if we lived to be 100 years old, we did not have enough time left on this earth to spend even one second of it arguing about anything because no one knows what that next hour may bring. We talk about things and then we move on. No screaming, no throwing things. Life is better that way.

This is great news... I'm glad to hear that all is good on the homefront and that this was merely an honest inquiry... Thank God for your blessing...

God Speed...

 

[7seasrekeyed]

Listen to your wife. It is labor lost to seek to make a crooked thing straight. The "flesh" must go, which typifies the personal ability, strength, and efforts of the Believer.

not at all

read the thread

he does listen to his wife

we are still in this world and will be until we are not

 

[BillG]

Wow. You have made a lot of assumptions here. First, I am not remarried. I never have been. My wife and I have been married for 49 years and, God willing, we intend to see our 50th in the spring. I think that says enough about how much I love my wife. Oh, we have walked the rocky road a few times but when we got to the end of it we were always together. As far as harboring emotions for decades, like everyone else on the planet I do have memories but to suggest memories equals feelings of the heart, I don't think so. To suggest my wife may feel like she was second best, or second choice, you had no way of knowing but I am her second husband. Do I feel like I was a second choice? Of course not. My desire to visit that grave rises out of respect for someone I once knew and nothing more. The kind of relationship we once had was the only reason this question even arose. This issue has been settled but I am always interested in the opinions of others.

Hi my brother in Christ.

I have read your op and this one
49 years married, wow. Praise God, even through the rocky times you have stood firm in your love for your wife and your wife has done the same.

My wife and I are 24 years married which given my family is an eternity.
Lots of divorce in my family.

If I am totally honest if I was in your situation and having spoken to my wife about it and she was not comfortable with it then I would not do it.

In fact I would ask myself why I want to do it.
Is it out of respect as you say or is it to reflect a love of the past lost.
You say you are her second husband.
You have not said why.
So we can only surmise as to why.
Did her first husband die, cheat on her or did she cheat on him?

Whatever scenario of the above its obvious that your wife is not comfortable with it.
That's what you need to focus on.
If the situation was reversed what would the response be?

Part of me agrees with others.
I think you need some closure here.
If that's the case you don't need to visit the grave.
God can bring you closure without having to visit the grave.

Maybe healing is needed.
Long shot but maybe forgiveness is needed.

She died 13 years ago but you only found out 4 years ago.
So why now do you want to visit her grave?

I've just a few of my thoughts on this situation.

You have asked us for advice, my advice would be don't do it out of love for your wife.
She has an issue with it even after discussing it.

If in your mind you find it hard then seek God and ask him to help you and give you his wisdom.

God bless.

Bill

 

[notuptome]

Visiting the graves of departed loved ones is an interesting social paradigm. For the Christian there is nothing at the grave but an empty tabernacle of flesh. The soul and spirit have gone into the presence of God. Christians do not pray for the departed as the pagans or heathen are given to do.

Older people often get caught up in memories and they should devote the time to witnessing to and praying for the souls of the living.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Timelessone]

I have read your op and this one
49 years married, wow. Praise God, even through the rocky times you have stood firm in your love for your wife and your wife has done the same.

My wife and I are 24 years married which given my family is an eternity.
Lots of divorce in my family.

If I am totally honest if I was in your situation and having spoken to my wife about it and she was not comfortable with it then I would not do it.

In fact I would ask myself why I want to do it.
Is it out of respect as you say or is it to reflect a love of the past lost.
You say you are her second husband.
You have not said why.
So we can only surmise as to why.
Did her first husband die, cheat on her or did she cheat on him?

Whatever scenario of the above its obvious that your wife is not comfortable with it.
That's what you need to focus on.
If the situation was reversed what would the response be?

Part of me agrees with others.
I think you need some closure here.
If that's the case you don't need to visit the grave.
God can bring you closure without having to visit the grave.

Maybe healing is needed.
Long shot but maybe forgiveness is needed.

She died 13 years ago but you only found out 4 years ago.
So why now do you want to visit her grave?

I've just a few of my thoughts on this situation.

You have asked us for advice, my advice would be don't do it out of love for your wife.
She has an issue with it even after discussing it.

If in your mind you find it hard then seek God and ask him to help you and give you his wisdom.

God bless.

Bill

You said:"Is it out of respect as you say or is it to reflect a love of the past lost."
We were friends for a while and then we were lovers for a while. If I just wanted to reflect on a lost love, I would not have to go to the grave to do that. I could just close my eyes and reflect. Visiting the grave is out of respect for someone I once knew, nothing more.
You said: "She died 13 years ago but you only found out 4 years ago. So why now do you want to visit her grave?"
It is true I found out she was dead 4 years ago. I have wanted to visit the grave since then but I felt I had time to do it later. However, as I age I realize that a health issue could arise suddenly and I may not be able to go to some of the places I want to visit later. As most people do, I have regrets in my life and the question I posted in this forum was intended to help me decide if I would regret going to the grave or later regret not going.
You said: "Long shot but maybe forgiveness is needed."
Forgiveness for what?

 

[LittleMermaid]

The only woman (besides any daughters or your mother) that matters in your life is your wife. Please her, love her, and listen to her. If I were your wife...I would be very unsettled too.
What if she did that to you? What if she wanted to go visit an old flame's gravesite? Would you be comfortable with that?

Not to be rude...but I think you're romanticizing sin. That relationship you had with this woman that died years ago was a sin. You said you all were lovers and you also said your current wife is the only wife you've had. So having sex before marriage is a sin. Your flesh is romanticizing that. It makes me uneasy with what you said about closing your eyes and being able to see that. I feel bad for your wife.
I don't mean to be disrespectful at all...but it sounds like you are looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. Snap out of it!