Kinda afraid I will loose my 401k if I get a div. but if I do..I do I guess seems unfair she left I worked for it...if she claims it there goes halk of my neest egg..I would have to try and build it up again.
Either way she will get her legal share whether you divorce or not. If you don't you may also be liable for her other expenses. The thing is, either way she is going to cost you money. Better to settle up now in regards to the 401K rather than continue to contribute to it giving her even more money.
Seeing how she left you perhaps you could threaten to sue her for divorce on the grounds of desertion and possibly adultery as well if she does not agree to a reasonable settlement. If she declines point out to her that she may end up with nothing or far less than she believes she is entitled to. She may accept an offer of considerable less than half just to get her hands on a sizable chunk of cash, even more likely if she is facing financial issues of her own. A lot of something right now or risk receiving little or nothing in the future. Of course, you will have to consult a divorce attorney.
Don't feel too bad, a lot of us have suffered bad marriages, myself included. There is always a price to pay but it is best to set up options that won't financially destroy you. My counsel is to get this handled immediately for your own peace of mind and financial well being.
I have been down the same road that you are traveling. Lost everything except my little dog. I agreed to watch the little guy for a weekend but not did give him back. She got my daughter so considered it a fair trade.
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.