Hi, my name is mary. I am a child of god who has found love, peace, and so much more with god after many years of sexual abused from many people. Hopefully my story can help others to know there's away out and eventually heal from their pain. Lets start from the beginning of my story that i can remember. At the age of 2, my parents had split custody of me and went back and fourth. while staying with my mother, we would always be in different places to lay our heads down and sleep. i can remember going to bed hungry most nights. the pain was unbearable most of the time i spent with my her. my relationship as a young child with her was toxic and we were not close. she was heavily into drugs and and alcohol. the thing with my mother is, she never seem to have enough money so she used another source of payment, her first born child, me. my memories come so easy to me like nightmare waiting to come alive as you close your eyes. i am sure the sexual abused happened even before i was 2, but memories can be remember to a certain point. as an adult, just the thought of a child, or even an adult being pinned down and forced to do things or things done to them is horrible. i was eventually taken away from my mother but there were lies told about my father and he lost custody of me. i was taken at the age of 3 and half and put into the system. i was a child unprotected and prayed on by my foster parents and other children. i was eventually adopted at the age of 13 by a family i was always in and out since the age of 4. from the age of 4 to 16 m foster father now my adopted father had molested me when ever i was left home alone with him or in the middle of the night, he would creep in to the room with my sleeping sisters and put his hands on me. i even remember when i was 13, my sisters and i slept in the living room close to christmas time, and i heard him come out of his room. i knew the sounds of the floor as he walked. he came into the living room and i pretended to sleep. he laid him self onto me with no clothes on. when he left i got up and checked my pants, a mark. i waited in a corner in the dark what seemed like hours. once i knew my father was asleep by the sounds of his snoring, i ran to the shower, turned it on the hottest i could get it. i through my clothes off and hoped in. i started to cry as i scrubbed as hard as i could thinking if only if i clean myself. if only, if only. my adopted mother found out when i was 14. she asked me to come to her, and she asked me if he was touching me. at that moment, i thought finally i am safe, i can talk about it, i am not alone in this. i asked how do you know? her answer was your younger sister saw what happen and told me. i looked into her eyes and said yes. as i said this, i started to cry, but at the same time felt a little relief from my burden. she then grabbed my shoulder and looked at me sternly. her response after that set me back into my world of pain and fear and being alone again. she said, if o say anything to anyone, my sisters and i will be taken away and i will never see them again. it will be your fault if the family is split up. she was supposed to protect me and love me. but she never did. i left home when i was 18 and dropped out of college. broke up with my boyfriend that i was with for five years and i just lost it. i did have sexual relations with a co worker. when this happened i found out i was not a virgin. so there was a point tin time, my innocence was taken away from me. i blamed god even hated him. i hated everyone and everything. i lost my way for many years and looked for love in all the wrong places. i finally left california and moved to oregon. i then found a friend with my neighbor and loved him as a brother. we were so close, many thought we were dating secretly. eventually i stop looking for love and started to draw closer to god again. reading the word. asking for forgiveness and god started to change my heart slowly and worked on me. i eventually moved n with my best friends family because of some things happening in my life. one day i came home from work and i said something mean to him, when he walked out the door to take a walk, all these feelings came rushing inside me. i realized i was in love with him. i ran after him and found him.i didn't realize i was on one knee asking him to marry me. he then said yes. we waited and we both got to knew god again and let him transformed us and heal us. we eventually married and i knew i was going to be ok. today it is hard for me at times but i'm at the point where i have talked to my adopted father and forgiven him and i talk to my birth mother and did the same with her. through out my life, i have tried to kill my self and i shouldn't be alive today but i am by the grace of our heavenly father. he has a plain for me. i know he love me and i'm not alone. i want to tell you who ever is going thro this, you're not alone, and you are loved. i'm not going to lie, its going to take time to heal from this, but you need to reach out to the lord and read his word. he is always there and hears you and is in pain when you are in pain. please do not give up because i'm telling you there is away out, that your not alone, and you are loved. i even love you brother and sister who is reading this. keep your eyes on the lord.
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