Concerned teen daughter's sexuality

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K

kim12345

Senior Member
#1
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#1
I am scared and concerned regarding my teen daughter. With in the last year she has displayed an outward appearance of dressing like a dyke.
combat boots, big jackets, ball cap backwards. I let her cut her hair any way she wanted and she came out with a shaved boys haircut. That's when my heart sunk. She has many girlfriends but one of them I can tell is leaning towards lesbian tendencies.

I have tried to gently talk to her and asked if she doesn't like being a girl? She said she likes being a girl. People are asking if she is gay. She responds with "no, why are people asking" I have read that people usually do not confuse when you ask them but rather they tell you when they feel ready. I took her to counseling but she thought I was insulting her by saying there was something wrong with her. I explained that we go for regular physical exams even when our bodys are fine.

Ok so I said I was scared. I am scared because I think I didn't protect her. Was she raped or molested? Because I think when a woman dresses like a man she doesn't want men looking at her because typically they were molested.

Or could this be something from the war on genders these days

Regardless, I love her anyway
Anyone have experience or wisdom they can share
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
So what.youre doing is letting fear and assumption dictate how you treat your daughter? Does that sound wise or appropriate?
While it's true that molestation 'can' lead to a confusion of sexual identity (for both male and female) it is not the only reason. Especially not in tdd his day and age.
But girls with tomboy streaks are nothing new and it's usually not a reflection of sexuality.
Teens are also notorious for going through phases.

I don't blame her for being upset you sent her to counseling over this. Its basically an accusation. And even 'if' she has gender identity or lesbian tendencies your behavior toward it only ensures that she won't tell you.
People only up about such things when they feel secure and that they won't be judged. Your making such an issue and sending her for 'help' is providing neither.
By the way psychology no longer views homosexuality as a mental disorder.
Also if you aren't going to get regular mental health checkups as you told her then you flat out lied to your daughter to manipulate her out of your fear and paranoia.

Maybe something is going on with her, maybe not. If there is then you're only encouraging her to say nothing to you.
If there isn't then you're showing a lack of trust in her and still showing her you are not a safe person to share things with.

Before acting or accusing you need to have more than a loose worry that's spiraled into fear. And if action is necessary treating her like she's mental will backfire against you.
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#3
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#3
Ugly said:
So what.youre doing is letting fear and assumption dictate how you treat your daughter? Does that sound wise or appropriate?
While it's true that molestation 'can' lead to a confusion of sexual identity (for both male and female) it is not the only reason. Especially not in tdd his day and age.
But girls with tomboy streaks are nothing new and it's usually not a reflection of sexuality.
Teens are also notorious for going through phases.

I don't blame her for being upset you sent her to counseling over this. Its basically an accusation. And even 'if' she has gender identity or lesbian tendencies your behavior toward it only ensures that she won't tell you.
People only up about such things when they feel secure and that they won't be judged. Your making such an issue and sending her for 'help' is providing neither.
By the way psychology no longer views homosexuality as a mental disorder.
Also if you aren't going to get regular mental health checkups as you told her then you flat out lied to your daughter to manipulate her out of your fear and paranoia.

Maybe something is going on with her, maybe not. If there is then you're only encouraging her to say nothing to you.
If there isn't then you're showing a lack of trust in her and still showing her you are not a safe person to share things with.

Before acting or accusing you need to have more than a loose worry that's spiraled into fear. And if action is necessary treating her like she's mental will backfire against you.
Click to expand...
Thank you Ugly for your insight. It does appear that I am letting fear and assumption lead my actions. that does not sound wise.

Ugly, Please understand the Main reason I took her to counseling was if someone has molested her then she could get emotional help and talk to someone about it because MOST people Never tell anyone and hold it inside for years. That is not good. I did not want my daughter to hold pain in her heart for years and never tell someone. I know someone who was molested and did not tell someone until they were 45. I was only trying to not let that happen.
 
preacher4truth

preacher4truth

Senior Member
#4
Dec 28, 2016
9,171
2,719
113
#4
We'll be praying for you and your daughter. Your concerns are not unfounded: you're her mother after all. God bless!
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#5
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#5
Ugly said:
So what.youre doing is letting fear and assumption dictate how you treat your daughter? Does that sound wise or appropriate?
While it's true that molestation 'can' lead to a confusion of sexual identity (for both male and female) it is not the only reason. Especially not in tdd his day and age.
But girls with tomboy streaks are nothing new and it's usually not a reflection of sexuality.
Teens are also notorious for going through phases.

I don't blame her for being upset you sent her to counseling over this. Its basically an accusation. And even 'if' she has gender identity or lesbian tendencies your behavior toward it only ensures that she won't tell you.
People only up about such things when they feel secure and that they won't be judged. Your making such an issue and sending her for 'help' is providing neither.
By the way psychology no longer views homosexuality as a mental disorder.
Also if you aren't going to get regular mental health checkups as you told her then you flat out lied to your daughter to manipulate her out of your fear and paranoia.

Maybe something is going on with her, maybe not. If there is then you're only encouraging her to say nothing to you.
If there isn't then you're showing a lack of trust in her and still showing her you are not a safe person to share things with.

Before acting or accusing you need to have more than a loose worry that's spiraled into fear. And if action is necessary treating her like she's mental will backfire against you.
Click to expand...
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#7
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#7
kim12345 said:
Thank you Ugly for your insight. It does appear that I am letting fear and assumption lead my actions. that does not sound wise.

Ugly, Please understand the Main reason I took her to counseling was if someone has molested her then she could get emotional help and talk to someone about it because MOST people Never tell anyone and hold it inside for years. That is not good. I did not want my daughter to hold pain in her heart for years and never tell someone. I know someone who was molested and did not tell someone until they were 45. I was only trying to not let that happen.
Click to expand...
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#8
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#8
If she said she not gay, then she's probably just going through a phase, trying to find herself, looking for attention, being rebellious, or just wants to stand out and not be like everyone else? Don't worry about it until there's something to worry about. And if she does turn lesbian, I reckon there's not a lot you can do about it anyway.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#9
#9
kim12345 said:
Ugly, I think you sound quite angry towards me
Click to expand...
A moment ago you were thanking me, now I'm being accused of being angry at you?
First your daughter, now me. I'm seeing a pattern here.
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#10
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#10
Dan58 said:
If she said she not gay, then she's probably just going through a phase, trying to find herself, looking for attention, being rebellious, or just wants to stand out and not be like everyone else? Don't worry about it until there's something to worry about. And if she does turn lesbian, I reckon there's not a lot you can do about it anyway.
Click to expand...
Dan, thank you for your insight. She has mentioned she does not want to be like everyone else in high school. She said "they all look the same"
 
Demi777

Demi777

Senior Member
#11
Oct 13, 2014
6,891
1,960
113
Germany
#11
Ive been goth, ive had a punky phase with leather jumper boots and wide leather jackets. Caaalm down its normal
Stawwp this panicking nonsense
 
Demi777

Demi777

Senior Member
#12
Oct 13, 2014
6,891
1,960
113
Germany
#12
Ugly said:
A moment ago you were thanking me, now I'm being accused of being angry at you?
First your daughter, now me. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Click to expand...
I call that aa mix between paranoia (maybe justified) and manipulative...
 
MrH59

MrH59

Well-known member
#13
Jun 24, 2018
397
587
93
65
Beech Island SC
#13
Dear Kim12345, You have a right to be concerned, unfortunately kids don't come with a parenting hand book. The only handbook we have is the bible. When kids go down the wrong path people are quick to jump and say " where are the parents". While I know proper up bringing can and is a big factor. Proverbs 22:6 No one here can give you a good answer You are doing right by being there for her with A stable base of hope and love that when she need to or wants to she can return. It's a very trying and stressful time. We pray for them to grow up so we can quit worrying about them but we never do. GOD bless you
 
L

ljs

Member
#14
Jan 13, 2018
310
443
63
#14
Dear Kim

how old is your daughter ?
My daughter went thru the same thing when she was 14 - 15
combat boots , leather jacket , weird hair lol , had more male friends than girlfriends etc
She is 30 now , and very much a beautiful young woman with a daughter of her own
I think its probably just a phase
Try and keep the lines of communication with her open , and let her know she can always come to you , even if you dont agree
( and try not to worry) :)
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#15
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#15
ljs said:
Dear Kim

how old is your daughter ?
My daughter went thru the same thing when she was 14 - 15
combat boots , leather jacket , weird hair lol , had more male friends than girlfriends etc
She is 30 now , and very much a beautiful young woman with a daughter of her own
I think its probably just a phase
Try and keep the lines of communication with her open , and let her know she can always come to you , even if you dont agree
( and try not to worry) :)
Click to expand...
The change started around 16 and she just turned 17. It is encouraging to hear your story with your daughter and your words of wisdom. Thank you :)
 
K

kim12345

Senior Member
#16
Aug 4, 2013
361
47
28
#16
MrH59 said:
Dear Kim12345, You have a right to be concerned, unfortunately kids don't come with a parenting hand book. The only handbook we have is the bible. When kids go down the wrong path people are quick to jump and say " where are the parents". While I know proper up bringing can and is a big factor. Proverbs 22:6 No one here can give you a good answer You are doing right by being there for her with A stable base of hope and love that when she need to or wants to she can return. It's a very trying and stressful time. We pray for them to grow up so we can quit worrying about them but we never do. GOD bless you
Click to expand...
Thank you
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#17
Feb 21, 2014
70,924
9,673
113
#17
Soooo, because your daughter dresses like a man and cut her hair, you think she's gay? Sorry, that makes no sense at all.. It also makes no sense to wonder whether she was raped or molested. And just because her friend MAY have "lesbian tendencies", does NOT mean that your daughter does. No wonder she's angry with you.
 
Demi777

Demi777

Senior Member
#18
Oct 13, 2014
6,891
1,960
113
Germany
#18
blue_ladybug said:
Soooo, because your daughter dresses like a man and cut her hair, you think she's gay? Sorry, that makes no sense at all.. It also makes no sense to wonder whether she was raped or molested. And just because her friend MAY have "lesbian tendencies", does NOT mean that your daughter does. No wonder she's angry with you.
Click to expand...
I dont even wanna imagine what i would have done if my mom would have acted thst way. I think i would have broken contact for that one
 
A

Avalon1

Member
#19
Jul 10, 2018
90
68
18
31
#19
Ugly said:
A moment ago you were thanking me, now I'm being accused of being angry at you?
First your daughter, now me. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Click to expand...
Who says that he was angry at her? Concerned is more like it.
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#20
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#20
It is going to be difficult for you but you must allow yourself to trust your daughter. She told you she was not tending toward being sexually deviant so trust what she has said. If you continue to doubt her she will harden her rebellion. She is testing you.

What does your husband have to say about this?

Her hair will grow out so just try not to laugh at her until it returns to normal. She has a lot of hormones pressuring her thought processes. I hope she is involved in your church. If not then don't blame God for this tribulation.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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