Presbyterian/Baptist War

[SovereignGrace]

Julius Caesar wearing pink lip stick
On the cheek, under the brow
Was it from fair maiden Cleo
And does she still say, "Call me now!"?

Was it from Pompeia
His second wife
Was it from her
He got the kiss that ended his life?

Was it from Cornellia Cinnilla
Though she was rather lovely
She had a personality that
Made her very vanilla

Was it from Calpurnia Pisonis
Who was his last bride
Maybe she gave him the kiss of death
As they stabbed him, the cuts became mile wide

Was it from his friend, Brutus
Who seemed to always act a little fruitay
And maybe that's why Caesar quipped
"Et tu, Brute?"

We can only speculate who
Placed the pink lipstick
On Julius Caesar's cheekbone
But if I had to bet, Brutus would be
The one I'd have my money on

 

[Desdichado]

My money's on Nicomedes.

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presbys broke loose from Rome
They have been wandering through
The wilderness for centuries
Trying to find a home

They tried to sneak into the Lutherans
They were privy to their stealth mode
And gave them the ole heave ho
Like Jazz on a Fresh Prince of Bel Air episode

They then tried the Episcopalians
But they were too shrewd for their tactics
They maced them then beat them with a cat o'nine tails
Their defeat was rather fantastic

They then tried to link arms with the Baptists
But they said "No way, you drunkards!"
And they were chased out like
WWII Germans from their French bunkers

They then tried to link up with the SDA
But even they would not commune with them
They went all Ellen White with their prophecies
And ran them off, their hopes of communion grew dim

But finally they found some ppl
Who would commune and with them do their business
Yep, you guessed right Desdichado
They linked arms with the Jehovah's Witness

 

[SovereignGrace]

Sword of Damocles
Hovering over Desdichado's head
He prays on his knees
Then jumps in the bed

The sword is sharper than a serpent's tooth
Ready to cut him asunder
But in steps preacherfortruth
To help Desdichado's blunder

He tells him, "My mind is shaper than that sword
And my brawn stronger than 100 bears
They all bow before me and call me 'lord'
Because I kicked those 100 bears' rears"

The sword swings suddenly
Preacherfortruth was able to quickly duck
Desdichado was praying on bended knee
But he had just ran out of luck

Desdichado will marry a fair lady one day
And a husband to her, he'll make her happy
But one thing he'll never hear
Is a child that calls him 'Pappy'

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presby stands in the lineup
Wondering where it went wrong
"Was it when I was in the buffet
Fixing myself a hotdog one foot long?"

"I tried to fit in with
Those gluttonous Baptists
But all they want to do is
Eat till they pop and that's it!"

"Was it when I tried to infiltrate
The Charismatic ranks
Their 'name it, claim it, blab it grab it'
Made my heart sank"

"Was it when I tried to sneak
Into the Jewish synagogue
They welcomed me with open arms
Until I introduced them to 'Sallie June', my pet hog"

"How about when I tried to
Stealthly make my way into the Hindu temple
I was in until I ate a hamburger in front of them
They just popped me like a pimple"

"Maybe it was when I rubbed elbows
With Buddhism's elite
They have no thought of original sin
And I thought that was pretty neat"

"But getting tossed out on my rear
Did not take very long
Because I was caught whispering
In Dalai Lama's daughter's ear, and found out I was wrong"

"Ah, I now know where I went wrong
I know it plain as day
It was the day I saw those kids in church
And I carried them out
Singing 'yippie-ki-yay'"

"And now I am in this lineup
Having dunked those sin stained heathens
Without getting their parents' permission
And now I'm black-and-blue beaten





Thanks to that Baptist Schoolmarm"

 

[SovereignGrace]

The Presby stands in the lineup
Wondering where it went wrong
"Was it when I was in the buffet
Fixing myself a hotdog one foot long?"

"I tried to fit in with
Those gluttonous Baptists
But all they want to do is
Eat till they pop and that's it!"

"Was it when I tried to infiltrate
The Charismatic ranks
Their 'name it, claim it, blab it grab it'
Made my heart sank"

"Was it when I tried to sneak
Into the Jewish synagogue
They welcomed me with open arms
Until I introduced them to 'Sallie June', my pet hog"

"How about when I tried to
Stealthly make my way into the Hindu temple
I was in until I ate a hamburger in front of them
They just popped me like a pimple"

"Maybe it was when I rubbed elbows
With Buddhism's elite
They have no thought of original sin
And I thought that was pretty neat"

"But getting tossed out on my rear
Did not take very long
Because I was caught whispering
In Dalai Lama's daughter's ear, and found out I was wrong"

"Ah, I now know where I went wrong
I know it plain as day
It was the day I saw those kids in church
And I carried them out
Singing 'yippie-ki-yay'"

"And now I am in this lineup
Having dunked those sin stained heathens
Without getting their parents' permission
And now I'm black-and-blue beaten





Thanks to that Baptist Schoolmarm"

 

[SovereignGrace]

A Presby Elder and a Catholic lass
Tied the knot in wedded bliss
The Presby took over the Catholic mass
And the Catholic the Presby church abyss

One went off into sinning
Getting drunk, cavorting all week
Playing the lotto in hopes of winning
Peering into locker rooms, trying to sneak a peek

They went to confession
Admitted their sinning
Hoping God would be their possession
Walking in the Lord as a new beginning

Then the Catholic lass
Led the Presbys in way of prayer
Making their church one huge mass
Hoping in bread and wine the Christ was there

Then one day, the Elder realized
The error of his ways
And the lass was truly surprised
When he set his tarot cards ablaze

"Enough with the witchcraft!"
The Presby Elder proclaimed
"I tried to make the mass grow with arts and crafts
And when I failed, it was God I falsely blamed!"

"Now I know why I married a Catholic dame
Because we both love to waterboard kids.
We dunk the baby, blind, crippled, mute and lame
All who come to us, baptism we will never forbid"

So, as you see, these two denominations
Can coexist in holy matrimony
Even if they act like Satan
And one ends up paying alimony

 

[SovereignGrace]

A Presby Elder and a Catholic lass
Tied the knot in wedded bliss
The Presby took over the Catholic mass
And the Catholic the Presby church abyss

One went off into sinning
Getting drunk, cavorting all week
Playing the lotto in hopes of winning
Peering into locker rooms, trying to sneak a peek

They went to confession
Admitted their sinning
Hoping God would be their possession
Walking in the Lord as a new beginning

Then the Catholic lass
Led the Presbys in way of prayer
Making their church one huge mass
Hoping in bread and wine the Christ was there

Then one day, the Elder realized
The error of his ways
And the lass was truly surprised
When he set his tarot cards ablaze

"Enough with the witchcraft!"
The Presby Elder proclaimed
"I tried to make the mass grow with arts and crafts
And when I failed, it was God I falsely blamed!"

"Now I know why I married a Catholic dame
Because we both love to waterboard kids.
We dunk the baby, blind, crippled, mute and lame
All who come to us, baptism we will never forbid"

So, as you see, these two denominations
Can coexist in holy matrimony
Even if they act like Satan
And one ends up paying alimony

 

[Desdichado]

Best movie ever.

 

[Desdichado]

I've caused enough trouble today. I'll get you tomorrow, pink star.