A conversation about nothing in particular
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Hello Skylar--
thanks for the questions. I will be up front with you that the first two questions are a little hard to answer at the moment.
I am currently unemployed and have been for nearly a year-- im in a very lonely, depressed period of life seeking God's path, trying to build faith and be strengthened through God. I was an English Teacher for 7 years--- teaching English as a second language in Moscow, Russia for about 2.5 years and then came back to California and for the next four years taught English Language Arts (including a year of French and a year of Drama at the same time) at two different schools. One year in Santa Cruz County, followed by 3 years in a tiny remote town in Mendocino County, roughly 160 miles north of San Francisco. It's a long story as to why I quit the profession last year-- but it was clearly the right choice. It was a very difficult moment in life where I had fallen apart, was barely hanging on, drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night while smoking pot and also smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, plus taking medications for ADHD and depression, and now I take another one for bipolar disorder. I know this is way more info than you asked for, but it's part of my current dilemma and why I am more hungry for the Lord than ever in my life. I have hit rock bottom and I am at a standstill with no current prospects or clue as to where life is going. I did enjoy teaching ESL (English as a second language) in Russia, but I was not a good high school teacher. I don't have the skills for it. I love sharing knowledge, but I'm not good at working with unmotivated teenagers, issuing discipline, keeping my cool or presence of mind, I'm an extremely sensitive person and felt overwhelmed with stress along with the surplus of negative energy that bombarded me basically every day I did that job. I was having breakdowns. Losing my mind. Nearly committed suicide on 3 different occasions. Certainly inflicted a lot of damage on my health, and my mental health greatly deteriorated. Plus I needed to leave the town where I was living urgently. I honestly didn't feel safe there. A lot of people hated me there, didn't see me as someone who belonged there, didn't like my eccentric behavior, my erratic emotional behavior (affected a lot by my increasingly unstable mental state), nor my personality, teaching style, etc. I was basically forced to leave the school a month early and left the town in shame with basically everyone wanting me gone. It was a terrible, traumatizing experience. I feel like a failure. I need God so much. I need to be fixed. I'm a mess.
Sorry, I'll stop ranting.
I'm currently looking for a new church to attend and I've been doing a poor job on this commitment. I haven't been a regular church goer as an adult. I was raised in a non-denominational Protestant Christian home, I spent a year on my own in the Catholic Church as I began my 'experimental' and 'individualistic' exploration of spirituality. Much of my adult life has been a roller coaster in terms of coming to peace with God. I've been angry at God a lot for my constant depression and loneliness. I have attended church services a number of times over the past few years, but not consistently. I've never been a full on atheist a single day of my life, but I have at times tended toward a lot of uncertainty in my conviction about God, struggling with a kind of agnostic/deistic view-- I can't deny God's existence in my heart though because God miraculously saved me from death at the age of 18. God I need saved again.
My #1 passion in life is Creative Writing. My imagination is the greatest asset the Lord equipped me with. Currently I struggle to write creatively, due to the horrible effects of depression. I also love reading literature, traveling, learning about all kinds of things, I have always constantly been consumed by interests in the big questions of life, exploring religion, philosophy, parapsychology, and anything related to my interest in the supernatural. I love animals. I love art.
I am not currently in any kind of ministry work but I should be really. I need to open up my world. I need to get established with a Christian community. I am committed to attending a new church this Sunday. Ministry of any kind would be great for me. I'm way too isolated and lonely.
I think my relationship with the Lord is probably now somewhat clarified. I think I am still falling short of true faith. I am reading the Word and praying every day, but I'm not maintaining the mindfulness and self-discipline to keep me focused on this or cleansing my spirit. I'm still fighting against a lot of inner pain, anger, bitterness, addictions, and negative thought cycles, feelings of hopelessness.
I love classical music more than any other kind. I'm a nerd. Mostly orchestral works but also choral/sacred music. I'm an old-fashioned type who prefers hymns over contemporary church songs. I also love techno/electronica, classic rock, big band jazz, and a lot of other music, I try to be open to listening to anything. I have a pretty diverse collection in my iTunes spanning a number of genres. I'm just not really a fan of country, bluegrass, rap, or hip hop.
And thank you about my dog. She was a precious gift from the Lord. i treat her like my own child. Her name is Jelly.
Ok, I gave you way more than you asked for. Forgive me.
How about you share your own answers to these questions and feel free to elaborate or go off any tangent you wish while you're at it. It'd only be fair.
thanks for the questions. I will be up front with you that the first two questions are a little hard to answer at the moment.
I am currently unemployed and have been for nearly a year-- im in a very lonely, depressed period of life seeking God's path, trying to build faith and be strengthened through God. I was an English Teacher for 7 years--- teaching English as a second language in Moscow, Russia for about 2.5 years and then came back to California and for the next four years taught English Language Arts (including a year of French and a year of Drama at the same time) at two different schools. One year in Santa Cruz County, followed by 3 years in a tiny remote town in Mendocino County, roughly 160 miles north of San Francisco. It's a long story as to why I quit the profession last year-- but it was clearly the right choice. It was a very difficult moment in life where I had fallen apart, was barely hanging on, drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night while smoking pot and also smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, plus taking medications for ADHD and depression, and now I take another one for bipolar disorder. I know this is way more info than you asked for, but it's part of my current dilemma and why I am more hungry for the Lord than ever in my life. I have hit rock bottom and I am at a standstill with no current prospects or clue as to where life is going. I did enjoy teaching ESL (English as a second language) in Russia, but I was not a good high school teacher. I don't have the skills for it. I love sharing knowledge, but I'm not good at working with unmotivated teenagers, issuing discipline, keeping my cool or presence of mind, I'm an extremely sensitive person and felt overwhelmed with stress along with the surplus of negative energy that bombarded me basically every day I did that job. I was having breakdowns. Losing my mind. Nearly committed suicide on 3 different occasions. Certainly inflicted a lot of damage on my health, and my mental health greatly deteriorated. Plus I needed to leave the town where I was living urgently. I honestly didn't feel safe there. A lot of people hated me there, didn't see me as someone who belonged there, didn't like my eccentric behavior, my erratic emotional behavior (affected a lot by my increasingly unstable mental state), nor my personality, teaching style, etc. I was basically forced to leave the school a month early and left the town in shame with basically everyone wanting me gone. It was a terrible, traumatizing experience. I feel like a failure. I need God so much. I need to be fixed. I'm a mess.
Sorry, I'll stop ranting.
I'm currently looking for a new church to attend and I've been doing a poor job on this commitment. I haven't been a regular church goer as an adult. I was raised in a non-denominational Protestant Christian home, I spent a year on my own in the Catholic Church as I began my 'experimental' and 'individualistic' exploration of spirituality. Much of my adult life has been a roller coaster in terms of coming to peace with God. I've been angry at God a lot for my constant depression and loneliness. I have attended church services a number of times over the past few years, but not consistently. I've never been a full on atheist a single day of my life, but I have at times tended toward a lot of uncertainty in my conviction about God, struggling with a kind of agnostic/deistic view-- I can't deny God's existence in my heart though because God miraculously saved me from death at the age of 18. God I need saved again.
My #1 passion in life is Creative Writing. My imagination is the greatest asset the Lord equipped me with. Currently I struggle to write creatively, due to the horrible effects of depression. I also love reading literature, traveling, learning about all kinds of things, I have always constantly been consumed by interests in the big questions of life, exploring religion, philosophy, parapsychology, and anything related to my interest in the supernatural. I love animals. I love art.
I am not currently in any kind of ministry work but I should be really. I need to open up my world. I need to get established with a Christian community. I am committed to attending a new church this Sunday. Ministry of any kind would be great for me. I'm way too isolated and lonely.
I think my relationship with the Lord is probably now somewhat clarified. I think I am still falling short of true faith. I am reading the Word and praying every day, but I'm not maintaining the mindfulness and self-discipline to keep me focused on this or cleansing my spirit. I'm still fighting against a lot of inner pain, anger, bitterness, addictions, and negative thought cycles, feelings of hopelessness.
I love classical music more than any other kind. I'm a nerd. Mostly orchestral works but also choral/sacred music. I'm an old-fashioned type who prefers hymns over contemporary church songs. I also love techno/electronica, classic rock, big band jazz, and a lot of other music, I try to be open to listening to anything. I have a pretty diverse collection in my iTunes spanning a number of genres. I'm just not really a fan of country, bluegrass, rap, or hip hop.
And thank you about my dog. She was a precious gift from the Lord. i treat her like my own child. Her name is Jelly.
Ok, I gave you way more than you asked for. Forgive me.
How about you share your own answers to these questions and feel free to elaborate or go off any tangent you wish while you're at it. It'd only be fair.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I have ADHD too and one of the problems we constantly deal with is sharing too much of ourselves when given the chance. (Like I do like I do in this post.
) Most people can't deal with it, but I think this thread is a moderately safe place to unload like you did.I believe that I can identify with much of what you are going through. Well into my early forties I considered myself a failure because I had about 30 jobs in the previous twenty years and had failed at every one of them. (I kept trying until eventually found something I was good at: technical troubleshooting and "inventing".)
I read your "stream of consciousness" writing above and think you have potential to be a great creative writer. But you will need to focus your creative ideas into a story flow. It will be a lot of work to learn how to turn your creativity into paying writing but since you're not doing anything else at the moment, why not give it a go?
We need more Christian fantasy writers and if you can add a sense of humor, which I believe you have a strong dose of, you, IMHO, may have a great future.
I am convinced that God has a great future for you but you probably have to do the "prep work" (build a strong foundation) in which to create a masterpiece which will be your life.
In order to build that foundation, I invite you to spend several days focusing on learning how much God loves you and what He did to show it. (Read the Gospel of John several times.) The next step is to respond to that love by accepting Messiah Jesus as your Lord and Savior. (If you have already done this, "PRAISE GOD"!)
The next thing God wants from us is to reflect that love to the world around us.
For too many of us, this is difficult because we had no examples of sane love as we were growing up. This is where a good church becomes a hospital to heal broken spirits and souls. Keep looking until you find a Bible believing church where people care what is going on in your life. (In even a good church it may take a month or three to find a place where you fit in and feel comfortable.) (Beg God to lead you where He wants you to fit in.)
If you have to drive thirty miles to find a healthy church near you, that is not too far to drive to heal your soul. (If traveling so far is an issue, ask God to provide what you need to make the trips. If He wants you there He will provide a way for you to get there.)
It seems that a great number of Christians deal with what you are going through at your stage of life. When they get older, they thank God for that time of their lives that helped them clarify their priorities and establish a good direction for their lives.
Don't look at this time of your life as evidence of your worthlessness. Earnestly thank God for giving you such a time to learn what He wants you to learn to help you be who He wants you to be.
(This reminds me of something I learned the hard way years ago: God will often keep us in undesirable situations until we learn what He wants us to. So I have learned to ask God to help me learn it so I can get out of the situation faster. ;-) )
May God bless you richly to His service.
P.S. Use more paragraph breaks to make it easier for others to read what you post.
I know where I'm going for dinner..
Good morning!!!
Having a family get together with my brother for his bday dinner, the hubs is making ribs.. and well...i get to watch my little and play with him ^_^
btw... all is good in the "Neighborhool" if you all who inquired abut my post yesterday, know what I mean
Having a family get together with my brother for his bday dinner, the hubs is making ribs.. and well...i get to watch my little and play with him ^_^
btw... all is good in the "Neighborhool" if you all who inquired abut my post yesterday, know what I mean
It seems this thread really dies down on Saturday afternoons, but layabouts like me still hope there is enough activity to exempt us from getting stuff done. But everyone else is getting stuff done and therefore not here, so I might as well give that a try. (Perhaps I need a nap first to regenerate my energy.)
Good Mornfternoovening ...to you all! What a great 24 hour period to praise the Lord! I awoke with God as I parted in sleep with Him...ain't that a thing of beauty?!! Amen! I read this this verse this Morning and I was like: "Ok, well, I'm sure there's something more 'Frosted-Cereal-like,' in the Word for me today You'd rather start me out with God. You would get me pumped up first - right? ... I love this verse but can I wait on this Lord - now?
(Matthew 10:37): New International Version (NIV)
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And God said, Ok, I will pump you up then - try this:
(Matthew 10:37): New International Version (NIV)
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And then I got it - He owns me; I am His family member. But He delights in me knowing Him well, and He delights in inspiring me with His Wisdom.
So, I sat still and silent and read it peacefully again, and let God speak to me about the "pumping me up" part.
The Lord demands us to give Him all. It will not do if we give Him a little less. It is not relative but absolute love He requires of us. Loving the Lord to the extent of wounding ourselves will bring us to the place of rejoicing in our loving Him.
If we love, but do not rejoice in love, we have not loved to the extent of being wounded. But for those who do, their experience will be, that as they are bearing the cross, they shall commence to sing. This reminds me of a line in a hymn which reads: "I am entrapped by the goal."
Receiving too much satisfaction from men blinds our eyes from seeing the preciousness which the Lord gives. Being too close to men takes away the sense of the preciousness of the nearness of the Lord.
"Worthy" must first be considered from the Lord's side. Is the Lord worthy of your love? The whole problem resolves around whether the Lord is worthy: not how much we forsake for the Lord, but how much He is worthy of our loyalty and service. If we regard as an extraordinary act a prince proclaiming the Gospel, we remain ignorant of the glory and majesty of our Lord. Our Lord is Worthy! - Worthy to be served by all the elites of this world. He is qualified to receive absolute, complete, and unrestrained love from all of us.
Work always follows after love. If there is not that perfect love towards the Lord, He will not commit the care of His sheep to us.
I have been consumed with discipleship - which is just a fancy word for I have been consumed with God, to the point of harboring His compassion and will toward people thru the revelations of the Holy Spirit and placement of my mind therein. I am moved today by what I saw as not frosted cereal enough. But the totality of the Word is always life-bearing and good. Who needs frosted cereal - compared to that?!!! God Change me to be Your tool, worthy because You make Your will productive in the Children You love. Love me Lord, as I love you more & more!! Amen...
I just got pumped up didn't I? Hmmmm ... How did that happen? God - thats how!
Ok, back to your regularly scheduled programming .....LOL...
https://youtu.be/qp7mh-5RuEg
(Matthew 10:37): New International Version (NIV)
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And God said, Ok, I will pump you up then - try this:
(Matthew 10:37): New International Version (NIV)
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And then I got it - He owns me; I am His family member. But He delights in me knowing Him well, and He delights in inspiring me with His Wisdom.
So, I sat still and silent and read it peacefully again, and let God speak to me about the "pumping me up" part.
The Lord demands us to give Him all. It will not do if we give Him a little less. It is not relative but absolute love He requires of us. Loving the Lord to the extent of wounding ourselves will bring us to the place of rejoicing in our loving Him.
If we love, but do not rejoice in love, we have not loved to the extent of being wounded. But for those who do, their experience will be, that as they are bearing the cross, they shall commence to sing. This reminds me of a line in a hymn which reads: "I am entrapped by the goal."
Receiving too much satisfaction from men blinds our eyes from seeing the preciousness which the Lord gives. Being too close to men takes away the sense of the preciousness of the nearness of the Lord.
"Worthy" must first be considered from the Lord's side. Is the Lord worthy of your love? The whole problem resolves around whether the Lord is worthy: not how much we forsake for the Lord, but how much He is worthy of our loyalty and service. If we regard as an extraordinary act a prince proclaiming the Gospel, we remain ignorant of the glory and majesty of our Lord. Our Lord is Worthy! - Worthy to be served by all the elites of this world. He is qualified to receive absolute, complete, and unrestrained love from all of us.
Work always follows after love. If there is not that perfect love towards the Lord, He will not commit the care of His sheep to us.
I have been consumed with discipleship - which is just a fancy word for I have been consumed with God, to the point of harboring His compassion and will toward people thru the revelations of the Holy Spirit and placement of my mind therein. I am moved today by what I saw as not frosted cereal enough. But the totality of the Word is always life-bearing and good. Who needs frosted cereal - compared to that?!!! God Change me to be Your tool, worthy because You make Your will productive in the Children You love. Love me Lord, as I love you more & more!! Amen...
I just got pumped up didn't I? Hmmmm ... How did that happen? God - thats how!
Ok, back to your regularly scheduled programming .....LOL
...https://youtu.be/qp7mh-5RuEg
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Greetings to you !! "Well" is a relative term - what do you wish "well" to mean for us? PeterJames welcome in...I too wish well for you. Wellness found in Christ. How are you today? Anything going on you would love to share with us? We love to listen....(and talk)....LOL You having a restful day or busy day or both?
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