What Happens When That Attractive Person You Marry... Loses Their Attractiveness?

[PennEd]

3. Mickey Rourke was undoubtedly ruggedly handsome (some might remember him as the "bad guy" in Iron Man 2):

And, here he is today (though there are also several photos of him with long, scraggly hair as well.)

4. Once upon a time, fresh-faced Nicole Eggert was a "Baywatch" babe:

And here is Ms. Eggert today, talking about her allegations against Scott Baio of misconduct when she was a young teen on "Charles in Charge."

I can openly admit that these are the types of things that concern me when I think about marrying (even though I hope to do so.)

All around us, people are being replaced for younger, prettier, more handsome, "upgraded" versions, whether Christian or not.

One of the biggest things that scares me is that if someone doesn't like something about me, he can just hop on the internet and go through a catalog of hundreds of thousands of other girls who don't have my flaws and are indeed younger and prettier. (And yes, I certainly realize that it can go both ways.)

I posted a thread similar to this a while back, but I wanted to see what the current crowd has to say.

* Do we all believe that when our spouses lose whatever physical attractiveness they had that held our sway, our feelings are going to somehow magically stay the same?

* And if it's inner beauty that we're attracted to, what happens if the loving, fun-to-be with person we fell in love with changes into someone we don't even recognize, and have a hard time talking to anymore?

Thank you so much for hanging in there with me!! Now that all the parts of the original post are put up, I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts...

You have flaws?! I've yet to see any.

Seriously though, God centered marriages, not self or spouse centered marriages, will be happier and endure.

We should never fall into the trap of thinking another person is responsible to make US happy. So when looks fade, AND THEY WILL FOR ALL OF US, that brother or sister in Christ, who also happens to be our spouse, will still have the beauty of Jesus emanating from them.

​Hope that didn't come across too cheesy.

 

[PennEd]

On a separate note, my son away at college (20), that truly has a heart of gold, is smart, loves Jesus, handsome, and more mature than me!, asked me last week since people speak highly of him why doesn't he have a girlfriend.

I asked him how many girls has he asked out. He responded, ZERO!

I said you expect a relationship to just magically occur? What if there are girls out there that are asking themselves, "why doesn't Jordan ask me out"? They have their insecurities too.

Also, hate to say it, but many girls confuse confidence, which I believe is THE biggest attraction to ladies, to a guy who is really just an obnoxious jerk.

This is sad, because down the road,after a LOT of unpleasantness, they see them for the jerk everybody else saw them to be, but the lady didn't.

So he needed to display confidence without being a jerk.

He had in the past, a mostly one-sided, strictly emotional relationship with a young lady, that he built up in his mind to be MUCH more than it actually was. Nonetheless he still got hurt when she made it clear to him.

So he asked basically the Shakespeare question: Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

The answer MUST be always YES! Is it better to have lived and died, than to have never lived at all!?

So I told him to take chances, not to bury his treasure under a rock, but to share it with the world in general, and a lucky lady in particular.

 

[BillG]

My wife still looks like a million bucks...........in loose change.

(Old Benny Hill joke. Not an endorsement for Benny Hill.)

I was bought up on Benny Hill.

I remember watching the Two Ronnies (comedians over here)
The setting was a dinner party sketch.

They were having a conversation.
Then one gestures to the other looking at a woman and asked "Who is that lady?
To which he replied "That's no lady that's my wife"

 

[Ugly]

As for my decision of wanting someone I find attractive, for me, this thread changes nothing. I'm well aware if I marry my wife will age. I'm also aware that seeing someone every day makes the changes less obvious. Another thing I'm aware of is who a person is contributes to their level of attraction. If I spend years loving someone, and getting loved back, that will grow my attraction to them. The desire for physical attraction diminishes over time, but a solid relationship won't be affected.
And if I'm that in love after all those years she will be as beautiful as ever anyways.

 

[Adstar]

Marilyn Monroe said she was always jealous of women who were loved for themselves and not just for their outward beauty. She never knew when she was really loved because all she ever heard was that she was sexy. When people praise you all your life for your body parts, it's really difficult to recognize real love. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

This is true... It does not pay to be at either end of the physical appearance scale..

It can be a real curse,, especially for woman if they are at the top end of the physical attractiveness scale.. Because they are going to be pursued by a lot of men who only want them for their physical attributes.. And men who are very motivated can put on a very good performance and say all the right things to get with a beautiful woman..

Some will marry the beautiful woman and use her as a trophy wife to show off to other men.. But these woman eventually find out when they enter into their mid 30's,, That's when the man divorces her or dumps her for a new younger and again physically beautiful woman..

Actually a lot of men will think they have no chance with a very beautiful woman.. So a lot of the right kind of guys will not even bother approaching a very beautiful woman..

 

[Lynx]

For some reason I'm reminded of a comic I once read. This one guy was rich, and he was being asked to follow a lot of other rich folks in giving away half of his wealth to charity. (It was a fad for a time.) The rich guy was talking about all the things he still wanted to do with his wealth first, including getting married.
"But you've already been married three times!"
"Four. They keep aging out."
"Hmm, interesting concept."

 

[Lynx]

Woe! Just a minute! Let’s define “physical attractiveness” first.

So, thin, young with thick hair, perfect skin, and muscular physique?

Because, that is the popular defintion, and what this OP seems to be about. The fact, is my husband was all that when we met, and more! And, I’m pretty sure he felt that about me.

But, was our love about age, and outer beauty, or the incredible attraction our spirits still have 38 years later? So, my husband has not lost his hair, and he is still dark, despite being in his mid 60’s. I went grey in my 30’s, tried dying my hair till I was too sick to do it, and now, when I get my hair cut, everyone fawns over the colour of my silver hair. It really is pretty, even if the curls are more frizz, with the finer grey hair.

We’ve both gained weight. I was thin till prednisone, I’ve lost and regained it every time I’ve gone on and off of it. I’m sick, I need the drug, is my husband supposed to dump me, when he sees how hard I try to work out and keep in shape, despite my disabilities? He’s been more of a slow gainer. But, all the has to do is get sick for a week or 2 and he has lost 20 lbs, he has a fast metabolism. So, should I go down to a gym and hope there is a guy who is really buff, for me, and will accept that I am limited in mobility and a bit overweight?

What an absurd discussion!! I love my husband, and he still makes me happy. We are on a mini honeymoon right now. We walked along the marina outside Seattle today, looking at sailboats, talking about his plans to sail the ocean, once his boat is all fixed up. I just agree, because I in so much pain these days, I can’t fathom getting on a boat to sail across the bathtub. He knows, and loves me all the same.

No one else could ever take his place. We’ve raised children, we play with our grandkids. He gave up skiiing when he realized I couldn’t do it anymore. We share a deep love for God. He fixes things, I make meals and run the house, which these days partly consists of paying the housekeepers. He is the man who put me in my wheelchair 3 years ago when my meds failed, pushed me to the bathroom. Helped me onto the toilet, back into the wheelchair, then back to bed. He fixed a straw because I coudln’t bend my arms to drink water. He figured out a way for me to get food in my mouth. And was totally helpless making meals.

Love, is so much, much deeper than a flabby belly, a grey head of hair, or a bald head, or the latest designer clothes. Love is about sharing the good and the bad, and sometimes, just looking at him, and realizing how grateful you are to God that the two of you persisted through the difficult times, when there was no money, when one of the kids was in the hospital with repeated pneumonia or in a hospital in the Czech Republic after someone took his knee out in a hockey tournament. And the son ended up being fine. And the kids all ended up being well adjusted, with good careers and mostly good marriages and grandkids who are beyond beautiful and smart. Because marriages become generational, as the Bible clearly points out.

And all those bonds are what make a marriage last, not skin deep beauty! I don’t mean to criticize, but this whole topic is just too shallow. So, I’ve said my piece. I hope all of you hoping for the perfect spouse to come along, will realize first there is no such thing, but second, knowing God and really loving the person, and not the body, can make it almost perfect.

Apparently you did not read much of the first post in this thread. What you said is EXACTLY what seoulsearch was saying. What you are getting offended about is NOT what seoulsearch said.

This thread is not at all shallow, nor is this discussion absurd. This is a matter we need to think about before we get married, because it is something we will probably face as we age. The only alternatives are immortality and dying suddenly, like in a car wreck, and the first is improbable and the second is not generally preferred over getting old.

If you get married and you haven't thought about what happens when the body (and maybe the mind) fades, you are probably going to run into trouble when you run into these things.

 

[Lynx]

Oh yeah, I haven't actually answered the topic yet...

For physical attraction, I figure I will grow old at about the same rate as she is growing old so I'd better stick with her because nobody else would take me by that time.

If her temperament changes, I would take into account what caused the change. Some people get a lot more cranky when they have chronic pain, which often develops in old age. There are also less common causes, like a brain tumor. If it is just the stress of life, I can probably do something to at least mitigate the change over the years by being there for her to vent to. At any rate I hope I would at least be understanding.

 

[AuntieAnt]

He doesn’t have to be a winged male, perhaps a solider or worker ant. But as long as he has his six legs and antennae intact, his mandibles sharp, his compound eyes gleaming, and his thorax unscathed, I don’t think his attractiveness will diminish in old age. (Also, it's imperative that you have a terrific sense of humor in a marriage!)

 

[Oncefallen]

Simply put, someone who marries for looks is gonna end up sorely disappointed later in life.

 

[Oncefallen]

I look at myself- graying hair, iffy health, yo-yoing weight and attitude...and wonder at what point it will be too much for my husband. When will he look at me and realize I’m not the 19 year old he married?

At the same time, he is every bit as handsome to me now as he was on our wedding day. I can’t imagine what kind of cataclysmic event it would take to change that.

Things are pretty much the same in my household. My wife has gained a few pounds and started sagging in a few places but I'm still the stunning stud muffin she married.

 

[joefizz]

Simply put, someone who marries for looks is gonna end up sorely disappointed later in life.

Yeah and think on "compromise" too because if you can't stand something about someone now imagine in years later let alone a full year after marriage a marriage won't last without "compromise" and "understanding" because another thing to think on is that some people are "set in their ways" and so it's always something to consider "before marriage".

 

[Ralph-]

The bad thing about marrying a beautiful woman is she'll probably be an unfaithful woman.
The bad thing about marrying an ugly woman is you'll be married to an ugly woman.

 

[Oncefallen]

The bad thing about marrying a beautiful woman is she'll probably be an unfaithful woman.

I'd have to ban myself if I were to type the response that is going through my head right now.

 

[Ralph-]

Good, godly, faithful sex in marriage can make the ugliest of mates stunningly attractive and bound together for life. And if you don't have that there is always.................there's always.............um.........

 

[Dino246]

The bad thing about marrying a beautiful woman is she'll probably be an unfaithful woman.
The bad thing about marrying an ugly woman is you'll be married to an ugly woman.

Wow... let's just broad-brush half the population with your bitter prejudice.

 

[Ralph-]

I was bought up on Benny Hill.

I remember watching the Two Ronnies (comedians over here)
The setting was a dinner party sketch.

They were having a conversation.
Then one gestures to the other looking at a woman and asked "Who is that lady?
To which he replied "That's no lady that's my wife"

Reminds me of another Benny Hill joke.

A woman was carrying a big pot of food using her husband's underwear for pot holders. The husband says, "stop using my underwear for potholders!" The wife says, "why? You do."


(not an endorsement for Benny Hill)

 

[Ralph-]

Wow... let's just broad-brush half the population with your bitter prejudice.

Chill, homey. It's just a joke.........kinda.

 

[Ralph-]

Wow... let's just broad-brush half the population with your bitter prejudice.

Were you talking about the beautiful part or the ugly part?

 

[Ralph-]

For physical attraction, I figure I will grow old at about the same rate as she is growing old so I'd better stick with her because nobody else would take me by that time.

Oh, cheer up, mate. Surely there's a good looking widow out there who will have you. But draw the line at two dead husbands. Any more than that............bad sign. Steer clear.