What Happens When That Attractive Person You Marry... Loses Their Attractiveness?

[seoulsearch]

This topic has been on my mind a lot, the last few years.

My grandparents on my mother’s side have always seemed the ideal picture of everything. Beauty and strength in their youth, kindness and generosity to others, strong in their faith, loving in marriage. They moved out of state four years ago, but came to visit last summer. And the change in them...they are stooped over now, shuffling more than walking. Frail. Hollowed out. Grandpa has had trouble with skin cancer, and it’s robbed him of most of his left cheek. Grandma has ankles that swell painfully and make her awkward. Their eyes droop and their hair has thinned and they still...flirt. I caught grandpa pinching grandma’s rear end as they walked through my front gate.

I couldn’t help but wonder How is that still possible?

To make me wonder further, my own parents’ marriage only improves by the year, as age takes its toll on them.

I look at myself- graying hair, iffy health, yo-yoing weight and attitude...and wonder at what point it will be too much for my husband. When will he look at me and realize I’m not the 19 year old he married?

At the same time, he is every bit as handsome to me now as he was on our wedding day. I can’t imagine what kind of cataclysmic event it would take to change that.

So my answer to this thread is...I don’t know. I don’t know what happens if the attraction disappears. It could happen, to either of us. One of us could be disfigured, paralyzed, suffer brain damage, be stricken with severe illness or mental illness that changes us. I can’t do anything to stop that happening, so I have to rely on and trust in the commitment I know is solid Now.

I feel like I’m about to get off track with this, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

Awesome post, Cristen. And you can feel free to go off track as much as needed. Some of the most interesting, informative posts I've ever read were the ones that fell down the rabbit holes.

Something else that inspired this thread was reading an article about a young couple who had been high school sweethearts for several years and were fnally able to get married.

The husband had always had a desire to serve in the military, and during a tour in Iraq, he stepped on an IED and suffered horrific injuries, including the loss of half his face.

This was an exceptionally beautiful couple. Looking at their wedding photos and even random family snapshots, you would have guessed that both were professional models.

The wife was still extraordinarily beautiful, but now there was a picture of her smiling beside her husband, despite the fact that he was now unrecognizable. However, if that photograph and article were any indication, she loved him just the same, and saw him as the same man she had married--maybe even more so, because he had proven what lengths he was willing to go through in order to serve and protect others.

I wish that God would grant me even an ounce of whatever it is that this couple has.

 

[laura_charlotte]

These people don't look that bad after all it is what's on the inside that counts. That's pretty bad to call someone with cancer ugly.

If they're being held up as an example and we're appealed to to cast any kind of judgement, the onus is on us to be fair then and put ourselves out there too.

 

[JonahLynx]

* How would you feel (and what would you do) if your spouse was no longer attracted to you?

Implying I'm attractive in the first place.

 

[CeCe0000]

I guess it depends on how you view beauty. Love is supposed to be blind.

 

[CeCe0000]

"...and beauty skin deep"

 

[cinder]

Love is supposed to be blind.

In the role of questioner of cliche's here: Says who? Where did we get this notion that love is supposed to be blind? What exactly do we mean by that? And is that actually the saying or is it that we say love is blind because people in the throes of infatuation often tend to downplay the serious red flags and shortcomings of the object of their infatuation?

 

[Waggles]

Love is blind ...

 

[CeCe0000]

We live the consequences of our decisions. I don't want to marry someone who will treat me like trash if my looks go down the drain.

 

[CeCe0000]

Sacrifice is not always realistic for humans. We have limitations to what we can & cannot do. We are not immortal.

 

[Waggles]

A Patch of Blue

is a 1965 American drama film directed by Guy Green
about the relationship between a black man (played by ​

Sidney Poitier) and a blind white female teenager

(played by Elizabeth Hartman),
and the problems that plague their relationship when they
fall in love in a racially divided America.
Made in 1965 against the backdrop of the growing ​

civil rights movement,

the film explores racism from the perspective of "love is blind."

​

 

[Tinuviel]

The fact that I'm getting ugly at the same rate he is sure oughtta help...so long as that's not the only reason you married them

 

[Angela53510]

Woe! Just a minute! Let’s define “physical attractiveness” first.

So, thin, young with thick hair, perfect skin, and muscular physique?

Because, that is the popular defintion, and what this OP seems to be about. The fact, is my husband was all that when we met, and more! And, I’m pretty sure he felt that about me.

But, was our love about age, and outer beauty, or the incredible attraction our spirits still have 38 years later? So, my husband has not lost his hair, and he is still dark, despite being in his mid 60’s. I went grey in my 30’s, tried dying my hair till I was too sick to do it, and now, when I get my hair cut, everyone fawns over the colour of my silver hair. It really is pretty, even if the curls are more frizz, with the finer grey hair.

We’ve both gained weight. I was thin till prednisone, I’ve lost and regained it every time I’ve gone on and off of it. I’m sick, I need the drug, is my husband supposed to dump me, when he sees how hard I try to work out and keep in shape, despite my disabilities? He’s been more of a slow gainer. But, all the has to do is get sick for a week or 2 and he has lost 20 lbs, he has a fast metabolism. So, should I go down to a gym and hope there is a guy who is really buff, for me, and will accept that I am limited in mobility and a bit overweight?

What an absurd discussion!! I love my husband, and he still makes me happy. We are on a mini honeymoon right now. We walked along the marina outside Seattle today, looking at sailboats, talking about his plans to sail the ocean, once his boat is all fixed up. I just agree, because I in so much pain these days, I can’t fathom getting on a boat to sail across the bathtub. He knows, and loves me all the same.

No one else could ever take his place. We’ve raised children, we play with our grandkids. He gave up skiiing when he realized I couldn’t do it anymore. We share a deep love for God. He fixes things, I make meals and run the house, which these days partly consists of paying the housekeepers. He is the man who put me in my wheelchair 3 years ago when my meds failed, pushed me to the bathroom. Helped me onto the toilet, back into the wheelchair, then back to bed. He fixed a straw because I coudln’t bend my arms to drink water. He figured out a way for me to get food in my mouth. And was totally helpless making meals.

Love, is so much, much deeper than a flabby belly, a grey head of hair, or a bald head, or the latest designer clothes. Love is about sharing the good and the bad, and sometimes, just looking at him, and realizing how grateful you are to God that the two of you persisted through the difficult times, when there was no money, when one of the kids was in the hospital with repeated pneumonia or in a hospital in the Czech Republic after someone took his knee out in a hockey tournament. And the son ended up being fine. And the kids all ended up being well adjusted, with good careers and mostly good marriages and grandkids who are beyond beautiful and smart. Because marriages become generational, as the Bible clearly points out.

And all those bonds are what make a marriage last, not skin deep beauty! I don’t mean to criticize, but this whole topic is just too shallow. So, I’ve said my piece. I hope all of you hoping for the perfect spouse to come along, will realize first there is no such thing, but second, knowing God and really loving the person, and not the body, can make it almost perfect.

 

[AuntieAnt]

A Patch of Blue

is a 1965 American drama film directed by Guy Green
about the relationship between a black man (played by ​

Sidney Poitier) and a blind white female teenager

(played by Elizabeth Hartman),
and the problems that plague their relationship when they
fall in love in a racially divided America.
Made in 1965 against the backdrop of the growing ​

civil rights movement,

the film explores racism from the perspective of "love is blind."

​

This is one of my all time favorite movies. I cry at the end every single time.

 

[Ugly]

These people don't look that bad after all it is what's on the inside that counts. That's pretty bad to call someone with cancer ugly.

That's a rather uninformed statement. Seoul has been in this site for years and not one person that knows her even slightly would think of her words in that way or that being her meaning. Her point was clear, either way. She Did mention people getting sick in her OP, so posting about someone with an illness actually falls right in line. And since it's quite common that illness tends to have a negative affect on one's appearance it is not critical to reference that, nor an insult to anyone. It is a valid point in light of the topic.

 

[MissCris]

Woe! Just a minute! Let’s define “physical attractiveness” first.

So, thin, young with thick hair, perfect skin, and muscular physique?

Because, that is the popular defintion, and what this OP seems to be about. The fact, is my husband was all that when we met, and more! And, I’m pretty sure he felt that about me.

But, was our love about age, and outer beauty, or the incredible attraction our spirits still have 38 years later? So, my husband has not lost his hair, and he is still dark, despite being in his mid 60’s. I went grey in my 30’s, tried dying my hair till I was too sick to do it, and now, when I get my hair cut, everyone fawns over the colour of my silver hair. It really is pretty, even if the curls are more frizz, with the finer grey hair.

We’ve both gained weight. I was thin till prednisone, I’ve lost and regained it every time I’ve gone on and off of it. I’m sick, I need the drug, is my husband supposed to dump me, when he sees how hard I try to work out and keep in shape, despite my disabilities? He’s been more of a slow gainer. But, all the has to do is get sick for a week or 2 and he has lost 20 lbs, he has a fast metabolism. So, should I go down to a gym and hope there is a guy who is really buff, for me, and will accept that I am limited in mobility and a bit overweight?

What an absurd discussion!! I love my husband, and he still makes me happy. We are on a mini honeymoon right now. We walked along the marina outside Seattle today, looking at sailboats, talking about his plans to sail the ocean, once his boat is all fixed up. I just agree, because I in so much pain these days, I can’t fathom getting on a boat to sail across the bathtub. He knows, and loves me all the same.

No one else could ever take his place. We’ve raised children, we play with our grandkids. He gave up skiiing when he realized I couldn’t do it anymore. We share a deep love for God. He fixes things, I make meals and run the house, which these days partly consists of paying the housekeepers. He is the man who put me in my wheelchair 3 years ago when my meds failed, pushed me to the bathroom. Helped me onto the toilet, back into the wheelchair, then back to bed. He fixed a straw because I coudln’t bend my arms to drink water. He figured out a way for me to get food in my mouth. And was totally helpless making meals.

Love, is so much, much deeper than a flabby belly, a grey head of hair, or a bald head, or the latest designer clothes. Love is about sharing the good and the bad, and sometimes, just looking at him, and realizing how grateful you are to God that the two of you persisted through the difficult times, when there was no money, when one of the kids was in the hospital with repeated pneumonia or in a hospital in the Czech Republic after someone took his knee out in a hockey tournament. And the son ended up being fine. And the kids all ended up being well adjusted, with good careers and mostly good marriages and grandkids who are beyond beautiful and smart. Because marriages become generational, as the Bible clearly points out.

And all those bonds are what make a marriage last, not skin deep beauty! I don’t mean to criticize, but this whole topic is just too shallow. So, I’ve said my piece. I hope all of you hoping for the perfect spouse to come along, will realize first there is no such thing, but second, knowing God and really loving the person, and not the body, can make it almost perfect.

Half of your post is really beautiful, and a perfect example of how it Should be in a marriage when the bloom and beauty of youth fade. I’m glad you shared that, because it’s hard to find examples of a true Godly marriage.

Other parts of your post...Particularly where you say this topic is shallow- I think you’re missing the point of the OP. I can see how, on the surface, it could seem shallow. But look at the response it got from you- the picture you painted for us of what love beyond good looks and good health is supposed to be like.

I think this topic, especially presented as it is here, makes us look more closely at ourselves and what we’re really made of, rather than focusing in on other’s flaws or attractions.

 

[seoulsearch]

And all those bonds are what make a marriage last, not skin deep beauty! I don’t mean to criticize, but this whole topic is just too shallow. So, I’ve said my piece. I hope all of you hoping for the perfect spouse to come along, will realize first there is no such thing, but second, knowing God and really loving the person, and not the body, can make it almost perfect.

Hi Angela! Thank you for your input. I wish we could all find a marriage that is similar to what you describe as being yours. I have to politely disagree though that this is just a shallow topic.

Ugly and Cristen-- Thank you both very much for interpreting what I was trying to say, even better than how I was actually able to say it! I am going to rep you both as soon as I am able to.

I apologize in that I often become a little "too comfortable" with the crowd here in singles and forget that I might need to give a more thorough explanation, especially when getting to know newer members.

Here are some of the reasons why I chose to write this thread, many of which I tried to state in my original posts:

* We've had several posts going on about dating attractive and/or unattractive people. The general summary seems to be that everyone wants to date someone who is attractive to them, even though individual definitions are highly varied. And so, my question is essentially--what if the person you are attracted to loses the very qualities that attracted you in the first place, after you are married?

As I wrote this thread, I was thinking of several people, such as:

* A woman I greatly admired at a former church who served as a worship leader. I noticed that she had not been there for a long time and asked about her. I was told that she had left her husband for a younger man, and was subsequently kicked out of the ministry.

* A friend I had a few years ago whose husband left her as soon as he found out she was diagnosed with cancer (this was several years before I met her.) She drove herself to all her chemo appointments and so forth alone, no matter how sick she was.

* Two women I knew whose husbands left them a few years after they married because they found out (AFTER they were married) that they could not have children.

* A gentleman my family knows well who has always been soft-spoken and mild-mannered, but the progression of several major life changes has turned him into someone who flies into rages and sometimes even threatens physical altercations.

* A couple I know in which the husband often criticizes his wife for "getting wrinkles and starting to look like an old hag," when he apparently doesn't realize that the same thing is happening to him. They've been together all their lives, and are heavily involved in their church leadership.

And so I started to ask myself questions like, such as, What happens when someone always dreams of having a family, buts find out that their spouse can't have kids (what if this condition is later brought on by an illness?) What happens if someone gains weight and/or loses the looks that attracted their spouse in the first place? What happens when life brings about devastating illnesses or total personality changes, and how does that change or affect their "attractiveness" to their spouse?

Because I couldn't think of a way to represent things like health or personality changes in pictures, I chose examples of physical looks that changed because it was the easiest thing to illustrate.

One of the very reasons I chose Val Kilmer is because he has battled cancer, and as Ugly pointed out, long-term illnesses often affect physical appearance.

The entire point of my thread was to try to start a discussion about the fact that in a marriage, people will change, and for some, that means replacing their spouse with someone who will better suit what they are attracted to. We've all seen it happen, even to Christians.

And so, the question I've been trying to ask is, How will we be different from the rest of the world, as God calls us to be, and what does that look like?

I've very happy to see that the thread at least has people thinking and talking about the topic at hand, and I sincerely thank you all for your participation.

I hope everyone who has something to add to this discussion will feel free to continue to post.

 

[seoulsearch]

In the role of questioner of cliche's here: Says who? Where did we get this notion that love is supposed to be blind? What exactly do we mean by that? And is that actually the saying or is it that we say love is blind because people in the throes of infatuation often tend to downplay the serious red flags and shortcomings of the object of their infatuation?

Thank you for pointing this out, Cinder. This is an excellent question.

The example I gave in my previous post of a friend whose first husband left her when she was diagnosed with cancer (and she was in her 20's) is a fitting example of this.

She later married again, and was honest with her second husband in that she told him as soon as they started dating that the cancer and treatments had left her unable to have children, so he knew this before he married her.

He told her that she was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he didn't care, and that he always wanted to be with her.

Five years later, he threatened her with divorce because he told her had changed his mind about having kids, and the thought of never having being able to have them was killing him.

I don't know what wound up happening, as we unfortunately lost touch, but I do know that it certainly wasn't a very secure time in their marriage.

 

[BillG]

My wife is as beautiful as the day I married her.
Mind you, in the morning when she wakes up with her hair all over the place and says "good morning" with morning breath,
That's not attractive

 

[Ralph-]

My wife is as beautiful as the day I married her.
Mind you, in the morning when she wakes up with her hair all over the place and says "good morning" with morning breath,
That's not attractive

My wife still looks like a million bucks...........in loose change.

(Old Benny Hill joke. Not an endorsement for Benny Hill.)

 

[Waggles]