When I was in the hospital for my suicide attempt, we had several sessions of "group therapy."
Now, this is just my own rebellious and frustrated heart, but one of the "therapists" singled me out in front of the group and said, "You really need to think about what you've done--suicide is a serious thing." I looked at her and said, "Did you know that in Japan, suicide is considered to be one of the most honorable ways to die?" She just looked at me and said, "Uh... uh..." and quickly moved on to the next person.
You see, I had been in a Master's program for psychology myself, and one of my driving motivations was to try to help other people who were going through the same private hells as me. But, I quickly became discouraged and didn't feel there was much real help available... so one of the things I look for in other people is: "Do you really believe what you're trying to cram down my belief system, and do you really know what you're talking about, or are you just being a good puppet and churning out all the manufactured answers they've taught you?" For those doing the work for a living, I'm always curious as to whether they truly believe in what they're doing... or simply going through the motions because their only motivation is a paycheck (and yes, God has to keep me motivated in my own work as well, simply and humble as it may be.)
This goes for both secular and Christian answers, as far as I'm concerned... My biggest prayer to God has been, "Lord, if you're just putting me through this to hand out these worthless answers with no power to back them when I'm faced with real, hurting people... please just take me now!!! I have to have something real or I feel like nothing is worth anything."
Another time in those beloved group therapy sessions, another patient told me in front of everyone else, "If you're trying to kill yourself, you are NOT a Christian." I admit to feeling a bit panicked and prayed very hard to God for an answer. This woman said that I was obviously sinning, and that she knew she was a real Christian and going to heaven because she said she did not sin.
As I said, I prayed very hard and very quickly, answering, "So what you're saying is... the Apostle Peter, whom Jesus later called the Rock of His own church... this was a guy who spent 3 years, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with the Son of God, and then denied Him at the cross three times... Let me get this straight--you are telling me that either Peter didn't sin, or else he wasn't a Christian?"
I am positive this answer was from the Holy Spirit, because I could not have come up with it myself.
And oddly, the woman, who had been VERY brash and VERY loud about pronouncing my un-Christian-doomed-to-hell state suddenly flung herself on the couch and shouted, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
The next day, she even apologized and said she shouldn't have said anything.
The secret is, her accusation made me take a good hard look at myself and ask God, "God, is she right? Maybe I'm NOT a Christian, and for that, I'm sorry and I really need your help..."
But in my heart, I truly believe God told me that He knows I believe in Him and, like most, am struggling.
For some, it's drugs or alcohol or pornography or adultery--for me, it's always been wrestling with a lack of will to live.
Now, this is just my own rebellious and frustrated heart, but one of the "therapists" singled me out in front of the group and said, "You really need to think about what you've done--suicide is a serious thing." I looked at her and said, "Did you know that in Japan, suicide is considered to be one of the most honorable ways to die?" She just looked at me and said, "Uh... uh..." and quickly moved on to the next person.
You see, I had been in a Master's program for psychology myself, and one of my driving motivations was to try to help other people who were going through the same private hells as me. But, I quickly became discouraged and didn't feel there was much real help available... so one of the things I look for in other people is: "Do you really believe what you're trying to cram down my belief system, and do you really know what you're talking about, or are you just being a good puppet and churning out all the manufactured answers they've taught you?" For those doing the work for a living, I'm always curious as to whether they truly believe in what they're doing... or simply going through the motions because their only motivation is a paycheck (and yes, God has to keep me motivated in my own work as well, simply and humble as it may be.)
This goes for both secular and Christian answers, as far as I'm concerned... My biggest prayer to God has been, "Lord, if you're just putting me through this to hand out these worthless answers with no power to back them when I'm faced with real, hurting people... please just take me now!!! I have to have something real or I feel like nothing is worth anything."
Another time in those beloved group therapy sessions, another patient told me in front of everyone else, "If you're trying to kill yourself, you are NOT a Christian." I admit to feeling a bit panicked and prayed very hard to God for an answer. This woman said that I was obviously sinning, and that she knew she was a real Christian and going to heaven because she said she did not sin.
As I said, I prayed very hard and very quickly, answering, "So what you're saying is... the Apostle Peter, whom Jesus later called the Rock of His own church... this was a guy who spent 3 years, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with the Son of God, and then denied Him at the cross three times... Let me get this straight--you are telling me that either Peter didn't sin, or else he wasn't a Christian?"
I am positive this answer was from the Holy Spirit, because I could not have come up with it myself.
And oddly, the woman, who had been VERY brash and VERY loud about pronouncing my un-Christian-doomed-to-hell state suddenly flung herself on the couch and shouted, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
The next day, she even apologized and said she shouldn't have said anything.
The secret is, her accusation made me take a good hard look at myself and ask God, "God, is she right? Maybe I'm NOT a Christian, and for that, I'm sorry and I really need your help..."
But in my heart, I truly believe God told me that He knows I believe in Him and, like most, am struggling.
For some, it's drugs or alcohol or pornography or adultery--for me, it's always been wrestling with a lack of will to live.
