I'm so tired of myself. Tired of my body. Tired of my life. Between my leg hurting again, and worse than before, and a broken heart, I can't sleep. I've slept about 10 hours in the last 3-4 days.
I can barely walk. And now I can't sit or lay down because I'm in constant pain.
I don't have the qualities many others have that help make their lives better. I'm 40 years old and have never had a real career or education. There's a part of me that what's these things, but the way I was made i don't have what it takes to do it.
Peole talk as if 40 is so young. Tell that to my body, which makes me feel much older. Because it feels old and broken down and every time I turn around something else is wrong with it. I've had a few conditions that are rare for the ages I got them. Usually it's people that were Twice my age. If I was having problems in my late 20s early 30s that usually are for people in their 60s or older, how can I feel young?
I have 25 years left till the average retirement age. I have no savings, some debt, mostly medical, and bad credit. I haven't been able to work since 2008 and still not able now. But apparently I'm considered too physically and mentally healthy for disability, in spite of my body always breaking down and the depression I have to live with.
They say around 40 is when people start looking back on their life. Seeing their regrets. Wanting to change and make their life better because of hindsight. I started that in my late 20s. Again, earlier than most. Through most of my 30s I was able to sum up how I felt about my life with one word. Regret.
I've made plenty of bad decisions. Sad thing is how often I repeated them. Things I thought were wrong to begin with. Things that make me ashamed. Yeah, I know, we've all done things. Blah blah blah. Doesn't make me feel any better.
I keep hitting these points in my life where I'm just fried. Hopeless. Sick of everything about my life and who I am. And people say that it's good because I pulled through it. I'm stronger for it. Who cares? Stronger for what? For it to all happen again? I'm being made stronger to endure more crap? What kind of reward is that? I'm tired of suffering and being told that it's making me stronge of I'm only made stronger to endure more suffering. And I'm not even suffering for anything. There is no cause or reason. It's not because I'm taking up for righteousness. Not because I'm being selfless. It's just suffering for the sake of suffering.
People say it helps me relate to other people who are going through things, so I can help them. Nice idea. Too bad it's mostly not true. Most of what I've gone through hasn't helped me help others in similar circumstances. There was no long term benefits. Often times, in the long run, it only adds to future suffering. I'm not being rewarded in heaven. I'm just being made miserable for miserys sake. I then survive it just to go through more.
I don't know. I'm running out of steam. Mostly because I feel this post is fruitless. I may get some pms or responses in here. People pawning off scriptures or encouraging platitudes. Most of it impersonal. Maybe a couple responses that feel like the person actually out thought into what they say.
The real problem isn't that though. The reason I feel its fruitless is because I've learned recently that I seem to be the center of some talks. Apparently the people on this site would rather talk about me behind my back, and as a result, my reputation is being ruined. I asked for specifics from the One person who came to me personally. I never received a response. So while at first it seemed nice that they came to me, rather than talk behind my back, that they walk off without showing me what I've done wrong, giving me examples, then what was the reason in saying anything?
So really this is a vent. Only because I have nowhere else to vent.
But as far as any responses, they won't mean much to me because all I'm going to wonder is 'is this one of the people talking about me behind my back to everyone, aiding in ruining my reputation?'.
So save your comments and pms. I don't know who to trust now. If you read this just move on to the next post. I have no interest in having a slew of posts filling up this thread. Instead just save your comments for the next time you want to trash me behind my back. I'm sure my recent posts here and now this one, will give you guys plenty of ammunition.
But what really sucks is that while I do sometimes have an outburst. Or get into it with somebody the majority of what I post is to either just be involved and to feel like there is more to my life than living in my bedroom, and being in some sort of pain. Or because I'm trying to help someone. But even when I try to help people are too busy putting me down for not helping the 'right way' to even acknowledge that my intentions are good.
If your only way to describe me as a person is 'blunt' or something similar, let me tell you now, you don't know me at all. The few people that take time to get to know me a little deeper know that I'm more than a mouth that speaks hard truths. Most of you don't know anything else about me. Except perhaps what you hear when you get together to talk crap. And it's fine if you don't know me better. Because I'm aware I don't know you either. But I don't pretend to.
Ive been talking a lot lately. Usually to anyone who will listen. Because things have been so rough for me lately in so many ways. Whatever I've shared is just a brief summary of all that I have gone through. But I'm talking about things so much because it is just flowing out of me. I'm not doing it for attention or sympathy or any such thing. I'm just hurting and struggling so much, and I'm trying to do things right. And trying not to be a burden to others. But, as with most areas of my life, I have failed. Clearly I am a burden to the people here. So this will be my last post of anything personal or anything I'm going through. I may even limit my posting in general so I don't have to wonder if, on top of everything else, I'm posting something for people to put me down behind my back over.
