Just for Laughs

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J

JackRT

Banned
#21
Jun 27, 2015
112
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#21
In a nearby town there is a synagogue and three churches --- Baptist, United and Catholic. All were having a terrible problem with pesky squirrels getting into their sanctuaries and creating a huge mess. There seemed no way of keeping them out. All four held congregational meetings to discuss the problem.

The Baptist congregation decided that they were predestined to have squirrels. Since it was God’s will for them, they decided to do nothing.

The United congregation decided to buy live traps to catch the squirrels. They caught them all but didn’t have the heart to kill them. They drove far out into the countryside and released them. A week later they had all returned.

The Catholic congregation decided to rent the live traps from the United Church. Once they had caught all the squirrels the priest had a brilliant inspiration --- he baptized all the squirrels and entered them into the church rolls. Then they let them go. Now they only show up twice a year!

The rabbi also rented the traps. He conducted a bris on the first male squirrel trapped and released him. None have been seen near the synagogue since.
 
H

Humiliatus

Guest
#22
#22
gb9 said:
not cool. good thread up till here. not funny at all.
Click to expand...

Sorry you found the post offensive, it was not my intention to affront anyone... just saw the irony in it concurrent to todays headlines...
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#23
Apr 7, 2014
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#23
The Little Car That Couldn't

[video=youtube;KWE5e_H47MI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWE5e_H47MI[/video]
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#24
Apr 7, 2014
25,469
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#24
Tough crowd!

Who was the funniest person in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down.

Who was the best financer in the Bible? Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
 
H

Humiliatus

Guest
#25
#25
mailmandan said:
Tough crowd!

Who was the funniest person in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down.

Who was the best financer in the Bible? Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Click to expand...


Thanks for the laugh... needed that today!
 
H

Humiliatus

Guest
#26
#26
[h=2]Bloopers in the church[/h] The following are actual church bulletin bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#27
Apr 7, 2014
25,469
13,413
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#27
...........................
3b305c0a39fdd05fcda25b58f26dbd33.jpg
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#28
Apr 7, 2014
25,469
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#28
TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. The choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
 
T

tanach

Guest
#29
#29
Three fathers were talking about their Sons. The first said I named my Son Patrick because he was born on St Patricks day
The second said mine was named Andrew because he was born on St Andrews day and the third said I named my Son
Pancake.....
 
M

MadParrotWoman

Guest
#30
#30
tanach said:
Three fathers were talking about their Sons. The first said I named my Son Patrick because he was born on St Patricks day
The second said mine was named Andrew because he was born on St Andrews day and the third said I named my Son
Pancake.....
Click to expand...
I don't think the Americans will get that as they don't have a "pancake day" but perhaps a shrove Tuesday? Same thing to us.
 
G

GaryA

Guest
#31
#31
tanach said:
Three fathers were talking about their Sons. The first said I named my Son Patrick because he was born on St Patricks day
The second said mine was named Andrew because he was born on St Andrews day and the third said I named my Son
Pancake.....
Click to expand...
MadParrotWoman said:
I don't think the Americans will get that as they don't have a "pancake day" but perhaps a shrove Tuesday? Same thing to us.
Click to expand...
I may have heard of "pancake day" --- it was "St Pancakes day" that I was unsure about... :p ;)

:)
 
H

Humiliatus

Guest
#32
#32
[TABLE="align: center"]
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[TD="align: center"][FONT=arial,helvetica]Between the Pages
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
 
P

Practice-English

Guest
#33
#33
I don't have any jokes on my mind,

BUT,

I love to play hide and seek with my old dog...
 
H

Humiliatus

Guest
#37
#37
L
earn more.
 
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