One thing I have found sis is that however deep we are in it, however much we think we are beyond God's reach, there is always someone in the same boat or their boat is sinking faster. I empathise with you because no one knows (unless we tell 'em) our situation. They only see happy smiley words but they do not know what goes on in our lives. My life is crazily messed-up, I don't see a way out of it right now. The only way out that I see goes against God's wishes - in a biblical sense. Maybe - probably, I have already gone too far. I sometimes wonder if I am saved at all and that is the truth! You sounded like you were going through similar. We call upon our brothers and sisters when we need them, it is what we are here for.