I keep having panic attacks... and they're horrible. Especially at work yesterday I left at 2:00 pm when I should have left at 4:00 pm.. because I was hyperventilating and having panic attacks. When I got home.. I locked myself in my room and laid there for a few hours trying to calm down. Then I had to take medicine to fall asleep or else I would have been awake all night. I look around me and as far as I can see, so many people are hurting. So many are lost and confused. I can't help but wonder where is God? Does he still care? Am I doing something wrong that's making me feel distant from him? I should have been at work 10 minutes ago, yet here I sit wondering if I should take a 'sick day' because the medicine I took hasn't fully worn out and it makes me nervous so I am easily startled. Like I was on another tab and there was a gif of a bird flying.. and it alarmed me for about 10 seconds or so. Same happens when someone comes to talk to me. I am all jittery and confused. Yet I feel as if I should go and get some work done. My shoulders- both of them hurt. All I feel like doing is crawling back in bed and sleeping all day and all night. I'm aa terrible mess right now. I can't bring myself to eat anything other than to drink some soup. Yesterday I tried some fries and it made me sick so soup is the only thing I can tolerate right now. I saw my grandfather yesterday. We haven't seen each other in a while and he decides to pick on me for my weight. Yes I've been depressed- yes I've lost weight but you don't have to make me feel bad for it? He left me feeling ashamed of myself. Then I saw my uncle who told me I looked broken and my face was not that face of the happy girl he remembered rather that I looked like someone who was haunted by memories and sadness. He commented that he last time he saw me (Last year in August) that I was so happy and fully of life and he was right. I was happy back then, I really was.
The greed in this family makes me so sad and my mothers carelessness as well. My sister met this guy online a few years ago. He was from Pakistan and she wanted him to come here because they were dating. My parents helped him come here but he was a jerk. He would constantly belittle us stating that women were irrelevant and we were worthless. He said a woman has two jobs one was to have kids the other was to be a housewife. Needless to say he and my sister did not last. He was living with us because at the time he could not afford his own place. Now that he and my sister are over; he continues to live with us while he collects huge pay cheques and never contributes anything to the household. Now my sister? They broke up and she had no place to stay so the decided to stay at her college hostel which is a horrible place and not safe. She's there without any cash, barely any food and no one to support her while this man lives in her room and spends hundreds of dollars at a time on dates with his new girlfriend. I fail to see why he won't move out and get a place of his own now that he can afford it. I went to see my sister last week.. at 7:00 pm in the night and all she had to eat that day was milk and cereal. Her ex on the other hand, went on break fast and lunch dates. My mother continues to support everything this man does.
He owes my sister $25,000 she called and asked him for it because she needs new books for this semester and he hung up on her. I'm so tired of all the horrible things that keep happening. All I want... is to be happy yet when I look around I see so many people suffering and that makes it hard for me to be happy. Dear God, I need you. I need you to mend my broken heart and to help me with all the surrounding issues.