Our CC family: HURTING vs. HELPING

Songwriter · Jul 20, 2014

I have heard here little whirlwinds of debate, where feelings will get hurt or people will become offended because of what another brother or sister said. I decided to get on the mic and share this true story that happened to me this month. Here's what happened that day:

Before I walked into my apartment with 7 hefty bags of groceries I was approached by this "scruffy" long-ponytail havin' man who offered to help me carry my bags, me being now #30weekspregnant

I kept saying "no, thank you" but he said he wasn't gonna take no for answer, that he COULDN'T take no for an answer. Just then a firetruck pulls up and the firefighter says, "we were about to do the same thing (help me)"

... i was scared though (though i didn't show it)..

You see, I had rather the firemen help me than the scraggly dude... he helped me nonetheless even though i kept saying "i got it, i got it" ..anyway before he left he said, "Lady, I ain't trying to hurt you or your groceries (lol @ that part), and if you don't believe that then you got worse problems than a baby on the way"....smh... #trustissues

I felt he was out to hurt me, because of past experiences.

Basically I wanted to say sometimes people are trying to help us but for some reason we feel they are trying to hurt us.
When they are not... they're really not... ... ...

HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE

blue_ladybug · Jul 21, 2014

Songwriter said:

Songwriter, you judged the "scraggly lookin' dude" based on his looks alone. I understand your apprehension but we should'nt judge solely on looks when someone offers to help us. I'm sure he probably felt hurt by your preference to have the firefighters help you. You are right, we should not feel as though everyone who tries to help us is out to hurt us. This is a christian chat site, people ask for and give and receive advice. Some people who reply are more brutally honest than others are, and some are more snotty than they need to be. Everyone on here means well in their replies, but with several thousand members, opinions are bound to differ. The next time someone offers to help you, try to look beyond their physical appearance and see Jesus within them.

Jimbone · Jul 25, 2019

Songwriter said:

Sometimes it's hard though, especially today where we are told by the TV there is a boogie man around every dang corner, which isn't completely unfounded honestly, but we are commanded not to live in fear, but I understand that you have to be careful too and if you told him no then that really should have been it, even though I do think this guy was coming from a good place, no thanks means no thanks. He shouldn't have kept on from my point of view.

I also have a situation my wife was in yesterday. She cleans condos on the side, and check in is at 4:00. Well shes in the back cleaning at noon with only about 30 mins from being done, and is interrupted by 2 voices in the house. 2 full grown black males are in the house alone with her by surprise 4 hours before check in, and she tells them she will be done in an hour. One then lies through his teeth and says he was told anytime after noon, and becomes way too overly insistent that they want to bring their stuff in, that they're tired from the long drive, they would clean the kitchen, and the whole time they are there 4 hours before check in. That upsets me, and I am normally with her cleaning anyway which would have change the whole dynamic. I also want to make very clear that the color or the men doesn't ultimately matter at all, but the fact is a little Filipino woman comes out to 2 unexpected full grown black men is an uncomfortable situation for the woman if we're real, and I only even say this because of the attitude and behavior displayed to paint a picture of her perspective, and I will not compromise the truth. We all know, especially if you're black yourself, you know how THE stereotypical "black attitude" is, and how it is when people get pushy like this, not that whites aren't the same way or get much worse, the snooty rich white type, we all know that type too, is far harder to deal with and just as offensive in every way, so please understand I am just describing the situation in truth, not demonizing anyone, even though I really didn't appreciate them coming at my wife that way, in that situation an all. I feel they should have had better sense of the situation, had more respect, and manners than that. Shoot come up knock, even stick your head in and call out, but when told no, when you're 4 hours earlier than you were told, then freaken NO!!, right? Shouldn't they have had the self awareness of the situation, known that their behavior is off? I should also add it was only one being pushy, the other guy was much more respectful. Just don't want it to sound like they were both behaving completely inappropriate.

I can only speak for myself here, and I think this addresses your situation better, but when I am approaching a woman to offer help or get information I am very aware of the situation, I approach really slow if they don't see me, and I try to make a noise or something so they don't just look up to a man standing right over them. Even if I'm just trying to help in a situation like yours, I ask then if they say "no", even if I really, really, want to help and think they REALLY need help and truly think I should, I stop, say sorry if I scared you and have a great day. I want to help, but we can help someone who doesn't want it, no matter the reason they don't want it, and when they say no that means no. In my opinion anyway.

Locoponydirtman · Jul 25, 2019

Your story, while having a good moral, doesn't apply. Debating doctrine has been going on for ever since the church was budding.

The apostles and the elders came together to look into this matter. After there had been much debate, Peter stood up and said to them, “Brethren, you know that in the early days God made a choice among you, that by my mouth the Gentiles would hear the word of the gospel and believe.
Acts 15:6‭-‬7 NASB

The problem with people getting their feelings hurt is that; people are sometimes rather insulting, and/or people give too much credence to their feelings. It is the later that I would like to address, because well, Christians should not be insulting, that's sin. What about feelings? We live in a culture that says never invalidate people feelings, what if their feelings are invalid? Because for the most part they are. Not because they can't be an accurate measure for a person's interaction with another, but because we have some how decided to fluff peoples feelings. Feelings have to be balanced with facts. Here is a good example. Last week I began to question a situation that I was out in unwittingly. As a questioned the perpetrator of the circumstance they became angry claiming I was causing offense and being hostile. As it turns out they were lying about the situation and were trying to string me along, my questions caused them to have to lie as an act of commission as opposed to omission, if they intended to continue the charade. Well they couldn't expose their bad behavior so the went over my head and accused me of being hostile. They got their feelings cottled and I got called in the carpet. I didn't know for a fact that they were lying at the time, so all I could do is explain my line of questions to which I found myself thoroughly chastised. They used feelings and our views about feelings to escape any repercussions for lying, even though as it turns out they were lying. I get to enjoy being corrected for bringing correct. Why? Because we value feelings to much. And this list goes on. I can think of many instances going on right now that are out of balance because feelings.
When people come to me about their feelings, I ask about facts.

CharliRenee · Jul 25, 2019

Songwriter said:

Thanks for your transparency. We all often are harder on one another in our assumptions, huh? Discernment though, is good, even when our assumptions or conclusions are not always correct.

This point you made in your honesty causes me to be less critical of those whose approach or appearance seems unsettling or scary to me, because I don't understand it.

I am glad you received His help.

With all that said, as just another of the many survivors of rape and violence, I do think we do need to be cautious/circumspect.

Jimbone · Jul 25, 2019

Locoponydirtman said:

I agree so much, we can NOT sacrifice truth for feelings. You're right 100% in my opinion, but the "thing" is we are to do it in love, and that means addressing the truth, and when the truth is buried in lies it causes hostility to raise up to protect the lies from being exposed. This is in the heart of every single one of us before He saves us, and this is love to speak the truth even if everyone in the room hates it, but be discerning of course.

This said we should never do this in a way that dishonors our King. We need to use good judgement and not "look for the fight", but in love calmness, and with patience. That said no matter how "nice" we are the truth cuts deep and the fallen soul resist this be all means, we can not stand in His truth outside Jesus. We will proclaim it though, just as we are called to, no matter what they do, think say, or especially feel the truth stands, the foundation is solid. Jesus is King!!!

CharliRenee · Jul 25, 2019

Locoponydirtman said:

Your story, while having a good moral, doesn't apply. Debating doctrine has been going on for ever since the church was budding.

The apostles and the elders came together to look into this matter. After there had been much debate, Peter stood up and said to them, “Brethren, you know that in the early days God made a choice among you, that by my mouth the Gentiles would hear the word of the gospel and believe.
Acts 15:6‭-‬7 NASB

The problem with people getting their feelings hurt is that; people are sometimes rather insulting, and/or people give too much credence to their feelings. It is the later that I would like to address, because well, Christians should not be insulting, that's sin. What about feelings? We live in a culture that says never invalidate people feelings, what if their feelings are invalid? Because for the most part they are. Not because they can't be an accurate measure for a person's interaction with another, but because we have some how decided to fluff peoples feelings. Feelings have to be balanced with facts. Here is a good example. Last week I began to question a situation that I was out in unwittingly. As a questioned the perpetrator of the circumstance they became angry claiming I was causing offense and being hostile. As it turns out they were lying about the situation and were trying to string me along, my questions caused them to have to lie as an act of commission as opposed to omission, if they intended to continue the charade. Well they couldn't expose their bad behavior so the went over my head and accused me of being hostile. They got their feelings cottled and I got called in the carpet. I didn't know for a fact that they were lying at the time, so all I could do is explain my line of questions to which I found myself thoroughly chastised. They used feelings and our views about feelings to escape any repercussions for lying, even though as it turns out they were lying. I get to enjoy being corrected for bringing correct. Why? Because we value feelings to much. And this list goes on. I can think of many instances going on right now that are out of balance because feelings.
When people come to me about their feelings, I ask about facts.

So much to learn from healthy debate, discussion and question, yes yes yes.

About feelings and finding equilibrium, I think that is another why God's design brought men and women together...to help us find balance, in our ways. And in this place just bringing a bunch of different personalities and styles of communication and thoughts together can do that too.

Sensitivity isn't bad just needs to be reasonable. Sheeeesh it ain't always easy, lol.

Lanolin · Jul 25, 2019

'We are told by tv'. Stop watching so much tv! Interact with your fellow man.

Lanolin · Jul 25, 2019

OP I think God is showing you that he wants you to overcome whatever satan did to hurt you.
Also God doesnt judge on outward appearances, he looks on the heart.

Some people see a pregnant woman, with miracle of life inside them, other people just see a fat lady.

Leastamongmany · Jul 25, 2019

Thank you and " the scraggly looking dude" it's a true lesson on humility and trust. We must pray and not judge for this is Gods will. Trust Him and don't pass judgement! Blessings to you and your upcoming precious gift of the little one of unconditional love!💖💖💖

Dino246 · Jul 25, 2019

I've learned that merely offering help can be dangerous. Unless the person is already close by (like in a a grocery line), I will stop a "safe" distance away and ask the person if they would like assistance. If the answer is "No, thanks" or any variant, I walk away... simple as that.

Songwriter · Jul 26, 2019

Thanks for your recent input, Family

That initial post was written 5 years ago haha
Wanna see her now? (The baby I was pregnant with)
She also got a little brother since being in my tummy

Maia & Azriel

Adstar · Jul 27, 2019

What a cute smile she has

You must be a good mom.

kaylagrl · Jul 27, 2019

Songwriter said:

Well I guess I'm the opposite one here. I think the man should have understood your reticence. We all see the news and while we'd like to be trusting of every stranger it's not prudent. Now, a good looking clean person could be up to no good as much as a scruffy person. I think God gives us discernment for a reason. I'm the type of person that listens to that small voice and I haven't been wrong yet. My family always says "how did you know"? Discernment!

Even people within the church are not always trustworthy. I use to travel with my family and we sang in hundreds of churches. Several times I had this feeling about a person and it turned out I was right. We sang in a church years ago, a fair size one. We had a great service people were wonderful. So the pastor invited us to his house. My sister and I got in his car and he turned around and looked at me and mentioned something about me being pretty or beautiful, now he was an older married man and I was maybe in my 20s. Right away I felt a caution. I politely thanked him and stayed quiet. We got to his home and his wife had prepared a meal. After we ate his wife asked if we wanted to see the house. I was tired and stayed at the table. The pastor, with my parents within earshot, once again made mention of my looks with a smile. I knew something was not right. Later his wife told a story of how his secretary was hitting on him and would not leave him alone. She had spoken to the woman and told her to back off. They went into this whole story about his secretary, and my parents went on about how horrible it was.

I never mentioned to my parents my feelings about the pastor. He hadn't said anything dirty, just given me compliments. A year or so passed and my father got off from a phone call. I walked into the room and my mother was there. He said he had just called that church to book again. Then he said " you won't believe what happened"!! I said " the pastor left his wife and took off with the secretary". Yep, they both looked at me astonished. Discernment!! God gives it to us for a reason. I think you should trust it, never led me wrong yet.

Leastamongmany · Jul 27, 2019

Songwriter said:

They are beautiful! You truly have received blessings of joy!🌞🌞🌞

lolo4 · Jul 30, 2019

kaylagrl said:

I am not trying to change the op thread but would like to add:

I totally agree with you, kaylagrl! I do not like to offend anyone, and have gotten myself into terrible situations- one which, after 40 years still gives me great anxiety, and I cannot talk about it- because I didn't listen to my inner voice cautioning me.

A few years ago, I read "The gift of fear, survial tactics that protect us from violence" by Gavin de Becker. It helped me so much.

Songwriter, The young man who looked scraggly, should have respected your "no thank you". You have a right to say no, and you have a right to your personal space. As far as I can see, he wasn't respecting either.

My son, who is a big man, had long hair, which he kept back from his eyes by wearing a touque... and he wore torn jeans and weird t-shirts. He felt as though people were pre-judging him for what he looked like. I told him, you bet they are, he looked really scary!
He didn't like my saying that, but, he did clean up his appearance, and finds he is much better treated by others.

CharliRenee · Jul 30, 2019

Speaking on being judgy only as i already earlier spoke on my agreeing discernment is good. Had I used it more on my life, I would have avoided much chaos and pain.

Anyway, I have learned pretty or not so much, red, yellow, black or white, big or small, tall or short, nerdy or more main stream, tattoos or not, reserved or outspoken, male or female, young or old, funny or serious, sophisticated or down to earth, healthy or not healthy, stay at home mama's or working mamas, no matter who you are or how you are or what you do or dont do there will always be critics, always be assumptions, always some one who can turn a can into a can't.

I am sorry that your son was on the receiving end of assumptions but glad he received some wisdom and is receiving better treatment.

My son in law is heavily tattooed and looks tribal with his huge piercings. He hates being judged. I asked him once, with my head cocked, why did you choose to do these things if you hate being judged?

Jimbone · Jul 31, 2019

Lanolin said:

I don't know because you didn't quote it, and I'm the only one I saw that said this, but you do realize that was my point right? I mean if you were just cheer leading and backing up what I said then amen, but it honestly doesn't make any sense given the context in which I used the term. Did you even read past that, or just see "the TV says", and make your comment to correct it? Because it really seems to me you were just WAY too over eager to correct somebody, but if the past is any indicator I could be wrong about that.

Or possibly your comment had nothing at all to do with mine, and just so happen to quote part of my post by mere coincidence, to which I reply, "I agree".

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Our CC family: HURTING vs. HELPING

Songwriter

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blue_ladybug

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Jimbone

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Locoponydirtman

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CharliRenee

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Jimbone

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CharliRenee

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Lanolin

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Lanolin

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Leastamongmany

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Dino246

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Songwriter

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Adstar

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kaylagrl

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Leastamongmany

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lolo4

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CharliRenee

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Jimbone

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