Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

ww_21 · Jul 15, 2014

Hmm.. why? Because I've lived 21 years in pain and abuse and I don't see how or why a God everyone claims loves me would allow this? I don't fit in anywhere... not with his people... not with other religions... no where I've always lived as an outcast and I can not be like most on here. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. It was many little things building up and building up yet there's only so much I can handle.

Let's start with CC, there was a man here asking for 10 dollars to buy food, now I know it's against the rules to ask for cash on here and that's fine with me, not encouraging anyone to break the rules, but that does not make it okay for about 6 Christians to publicly pick on him and embarrass him? This upset me, left me depressed, yet I said not a word.

I went to church, it was my baptism. Did they baptize me? No! Why? Because I missed three of the classes. A bunch of stuff was done to me there that I don't care to write about publicly happened however I will be willing to discuss it in PM.

I was on my way home when I received more bad news that even though my dad agreed to pay for a surgery I need... he backed out at the last minute.

Tell me, does God really love me? Or does he hate me? Am I cursed? In all my 21 years... I've never been happy. If I've ever come close to happiness it was taken away... yet they say God loves me. They say he cares.

cinder · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 said:

Well since non-Christian and unsure are profile options and I have seen a few resident atheists around here I don't think being a Christian is a requirement for being on this site. You are still welcome here. We'd like to hear about what you are going through and help you think things through; struggling with your faith or lack thereof is a difficult thing to walk through alone.

ww_21 · Jul 15, 2014

At this point, I can't think about living anymore. I just want it all to end. I'd be better off dead than alive at least then I wouldn't be able to feel anything. Tomorrow I am resigning from my job as I can no longer 'fake it' for anyone as I've been doing for the past few months.

Pipp · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 said:

Al the pain you speak of reminds me of the book of Job in the Bible.... He suffered more pain an hurt than I could ever imagine... It wasn't because God didn't love him or care although I'm sure he felt that way. Job's wife even told him to curse God and die , but that's not the answer to anything. I can't answer to any of the pain you face... I don't have an answer. I wish I did. All I can do is pray and ask God to show you his love more clearly. I'm truly sorry you are hurt.

secularhermit · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 said:

At this point, I can't think about living anymore. I just want it all to end. I'd be better off dead than alive at least then I wouldn't be able to feel anything. Tomorrow I am resigning from my job as I can no longer 'fake it' for anyone as I've been doing for the past few months.

Hope you read my PM.

secularhermit · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 said:

Who told you would be "SAVED" BY BEING BAPTIZED? I´m glad you missed those classes, that is dogmatical "leadership" you´ve been in.

Money? I wish you knew who would approach when you tell them: "I´m a princess and my Dad is a KING".

Psa 10:2 In arrogance the wicked hotly pursue the poor; let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised.

Pro 14:20 The poor is disliked even by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends.

Pro 17:5 Whoever mocks the poor insults his Maker; he who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished.

Pro 18:23 The poor use entreaties, but the rich answer roughly.

Pro 19:4 Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend.

Pro 19:7 All a poor man's brothers hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He pursues them with words, but does not have them.

Pro 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the LORD, and HE will repay him for his deed.

MissCris · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 said:

"Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh."- Luke 6:20-21

God doesn't promise his children happiness here on earth, but he offers comfort and peace. He doesn't promise any of us easy, pain free lives- but he offers guidance and support through our brothers and sisters in Him.

I'm praying for you, as I know many of us here are. We can't make the pain go away, but we can be here for you, to listen and cry with you and pray.

secularhermit · Jul 15, 2014

I´m sorry hearing those things...

"Tell me, does God really love me? Or does he hate me? Am I cursed? In all my 21 years... I've never been happy. If I've ever come close to happiness it was taken away... yet they say God loves me. They say he cares."

One thing I know, you have made me happy, at this distance. I´m quite sure MANY have loved you for your being YOU.

Tintin · Jul 15, 2014

I've created a prayer thread for Wonderful Woman 21. You're in our prayers, mate! Hang in there.

violakat · Jul 15, 2014

WW, I don't know where to start, but I do know it's not letting my laptop turns it's capslock on so it looks like I'm yelling. (Yeah, had to erase a few words.

)

Anyway, the first thing I want to say is that Christians are not perfect. We are saved from sin, and not everyone who claims to be Christian are. And even then, there are many baby Christians on this sight. I won't condone the actions that you saw, simply because it is reprehensible. But I will say every Christian does stumble and fall.

Second, why we go through our trials, I'll never know, except that they are designed to bring us closer to God. Almost everyone here whose been a Christian for awhile has a story to tell. Mine begins even before I was born. The doctors thought my mom was going to miscarry me, but they fought to keep me alive. And they did. Fast forward 12 years, my father dies from lung cancer. Fast forward to when I'm 19, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

When I was about 25, I was in a major accident on a highway, that could have killed me. I'm pretty positive that I was inches away from being pushed under a semi. But instead, my car rolled down into a nearby field. The roof of my truck on the driver side was pushed all the way down to the steering wheel and my arm was pinned between the arm rest and seat. (Will have to share the full story of this whole situation another day.)

When I was about 35, I ended up in the ER with severe pain, fever, etc. I was told that if I had come in even just an hour or two later, chances are I would have died. I had three gall stones shoot into my pancreas. I was suppose to have emergency surgery, but I reacted to the medicines so fast, the doctors decided to wait.

Then starting about a few years, I started to have severe back pains. At first it would last a day or two, then then pain gradually increased to about a month. It had gotten to the point where the doctor told me the next step was either physical therapy or nerve block. So the next time it happened, I ended up at the Chiropractor. And by that time, I was starting to have weakness in one of my legs, to the point I had to physically pick up my leg just to get in my truck. Fortunately, it was a bone pinching a nerve that they were able to put back into place, and I was able to use my leg again fully.

Then last year happened. The day before Easter Sunday, I was at a auto store, picking up some stuff for my car that was needed. While waiting in line, I started to get severe pain, to the point I thought I was about to faint. I ended up being able to make it to my car, and was able to drive, but just barely got into my home. For two days I was unable to walk because of the enormous amount of pain that was shooting down my back whenever I put pressure on my legs. I could barely even use crutches just to move around the little I had to. And using a wheelchair was even worse. I was finally able to get to the Chiropractor who refereed me for an MRI. What happened is that I had a disk rupture in the lower part of my spine. I did end up going to a surgeon, but by that time the pain had most dissipated, and he wanted to wait and see how things went before deciding if I would need surgery. And well, things progressed to where I ended up not needing it. However, I do have nerve damage on the left side, as a result of the ruptured disk. On top of all this, a few months later, my mom broke her back.

There are some many things that has happened to my family in the last few years, that it's hard to even tell where to begin or end. I don't know why all this happen, but I do know, that despite everything that has happened to me or my family, God has always been there, holding us, and carrying us in his arms.

WW, I don't know what God is going to do in your life, with the pain that you are going through. But I know if you just hold on a little longer, God will get you through it. I know there is an old saying that says God doesn't give you more then you can handle. I'm not really sure that I agree with it, but I know that He doesn't give you anything that He's too weak for.

[FONT=Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28[/FONT]

[FONT=Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Hold on to this promise. Remember that all things, both the good and the bad will ultimately be good for us and bring Glory and Honor to our God.

[/FONT]<span style="text-align: justify; background-color: rgb(253, 254, 255);"><font color="#001320" face="Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">[video=youtube;eLn0cRl-0GE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLn0cRl-0GE[/video]

violakat · Jul 15, 2014

[video=youtube;1CSVqHcdhXQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ[/video]

violakat · Jul 15, 2014

Story about above video

[video=youtube;gjB2skJi2co]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjB2skJi2co[/video]

ChandlerFan · Jul 15, 2014

ww, thank you for sharing all of that. I'm so sorry that you've been treated so poorly. I was actually in the Lounge when that guy asked for money, and I have to say that I didn't really know how to feel about that whole situation except that I really admired your willingness to help him. That says so much about you.

I don't agree with what your church decided to do, and I'm sorry that you had to find out the way you did as well. And I'm sorry that you aren't going to be able to get the surgery that you need. I know it seems like not much else can go wrong and that it's hard to believe that God is close to this situation. I don't say any of this lightly because I don't want you to get the impression that I'm at all trivializing what you're going through, but one metaphor that has helped me so much is to look at God as a Father and consider myself His child.
First of all, if you can imagine the depth the affection that you would have for your own child, how much more do you think that God so deeply loves you and has affection for you? You're His daughter. He formed and fashioned you with His own hand. You are unbelievably precious to Him. Your worth to Him is impassable.
But there are times as a parent where you willingly allow your child to endure pain for a time so that their joy might increase later. One way I think about this is at the doctor. I was so afraid of shots as a kid because I know that they were associated with pain. Once I even wished my mom would've done something so I didn't have to get my blood drawn, but she knew that it would ultimately lead to me being healthier later.
I'm in no position to say what the specific purpose is for what you're going through, ww, but please know that your pain is not arbitrary or without purpose. I wish there was more that I could do to help, but I will do the least that I can and keep you in my prayers as you navigate through this.

*hugs*

Immawildthing · Jul 15, 2014

I'm actually glad I'm going to be getting a week off when I getting a week off when I get married.
No more planning, no more bride-stress, a week of being off mom duty.
Just me and the hubby. I'm so ready for this to be finished.

MissCris · Jul 15, 2014

I had my new friend and her kids over for breakfast this morning. Which was kind of awful, only because I don't believe in breakfast. Having her here was entertaining, though...I love how she tells stories. Lots of detail, lots of tangents, lots of forgetting the point but somehow still making a point worth listening to.

I told her about my melt-down over the possibility of cockroaches, and she offered to buy me a flame-thrower.

This is a girl who really GETS me.

rachelsedge · Jul 15, 2014

ww_21 -

I saved this article on my computer, I wasn't sure why I until I read your post and realized that this is something that could benefit you and encourage you.

Is My Suffering Meaningless

Some great words of advice and encouragement have already been said by other wonderful CCers. I wanted to offer that article as well as an example that speaker/preacher Matt Chandler once gave:

Imagine that life is a blizzard, and you are walking through it. You know that at the end, there is a log cabin with a warm, crackling fire inside, hot cocoa, a comfortable couch. But that blizzard...it is so hard. Sometimes it doesn't seem so bad, but sometimes the biting cold and blistering wind makes it almost unbearable to keep going. It's too painful. But when you get to that cabin, won't the warmth seem so much more a blessing? Won't that hot chocolate seem even more delicious? Won't that couch feel so much more comfortable, after all those trials you have been through.

So it is with Christ. This life really, really stinks sometimes. I have been where you are. I'm sure many of us have, under different circumstances. I know that I have cursed at God. I am not proud to say that, but I have, in a fit of anger. I have so wholly not trusted Him that I shoved Him away with all my might. How could He do this to me? But if we look at trials as a blessing, as the Bible does, that they have a purpose, then they are more bearable and we can learn to see the sweetness in them. I do not say that lightly. That is HARD. I bolded, underlined, and italicized that word just to show you I mean HARD. Everything within my flesh says to back off, crumple up, leave God, curse Him. But it is possible to resist the flesh and savor the Spirit. If we let them, it can bring us closer to Him and know Him in ways we did not know before, and that is a very sweet thing indeed.

For (another) example, in the Bible when Lazarus died, Jesus took His sweet time getting there. When He got there, the people were all, "Hey!! Why didn't you get here earlier so you could have saved him? You're too late. This is out of your control now." (paraphrasing of course) However....they had never seen Jesus raise someone from the dead. This was something that, through their grief, they had never known about Jesus' power. Now they understood, but it took the pain to get them there.

That's definitely not the first thing I want to do when I am going through trials, but it is a good thing to learn to do, to at least not push Him away. Hopefully that all makes sense. It's easier said than done, definitely. But that is what the body of Christ is for, what God's Word is for.

We are here for you and praying for you.

lil_christian · Jul 15, 2014

These are the times I wish I had like, a really good guy friend, or a brother, or something like that. I need to get this bottom part of a recliner to the basement. The top part weighed no more than 10 or 15 pounds. The bottom part? I'm guessing it weighs in at 40 or 50. My sister and I can't lift it alone. I'd reaaaallyyy like to get it downstairs though. I mean, Dad can help when he gets home. I just didn't wanna wait till then.

ChandlerFan · Jul 15, 2014

This is one reason why I love sports right here:

[video=youtube;X03_bNuihLU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X03_bNuihLU[/video]

MissCris · Jul 15, 2014

This happens to me allllllll the time...

[video=youtube_share;CGws43awAQg]http://youtu.be/CGws43awAQg[/video]

lil_christian · Jul 15, 2014

MissCris said:

One of my favorite Swedish Chef moments of all time.

Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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