Sexual Problems?

[Bushido8000]

Before reading this, know that there is some pretty adult subject matter in this post. You've been warned. I'm posting this because I desire real advice from real people. Not mainstream Christian marital counselors who say that everything that goes wrong in a marriage is a husband's fault and he should just shut up and deal with it.




So my wife and I enjoy great sex. The only thing (and I wouldn't call it a complaint) is that she doesn't really embrace our sexuality. She doesn't really like for me to touch her sexually in any way other than kissing and the pure act of sexual intercourse. So often times I'll try to initiate sex through gentle/loving/passionate touch, only to be rejected with her turning away from we and saying "what are you doing?". This leaves me feeling pretty rejected and it's hard for me to stay in the mood long enough to try any other methods of initiating sex. Pretty much the only real form of initiating/foreplay without rejection is just kissing.

She talks a lot about how women almost purely enjoy sex for emotional reasons while men almost purely enjoy sex for physical stimulation( which I believe to be poppycock she has learned from Christian marital counselors, namely Mark Gungar). Sometimes I feel her being "disconnected" from the act when we make love, especially if we try a position where our torsos aren't close to one-another. She says it makes her feel like we aren't being intimate.

All of this leaves me feeling a little undesired physically. I feel like sexually, I just please her emotionally and she kind of makes it sound like satisfying her purely through physical stimulation is an impossibility for anyone. Nothing about sex seems to sexually excite her. Just me telling her I love her.

I have had long sexual relationships with women in the past and this is the first time I have had to deal with sexual "rules" and stipulations like these. I feel like sex is too complicated now and almost too much work to deal with at times (but not quite haha). If a normal married Christian person could help me out that would be fantastic.

Thanks.

P.S. I have tried talking to her about all of this multiple times. She gets offended and we will either fight or she will cry and think she is a bad lover and I'll feel like a jack-wagon and just say forget about it.

 

[BeeD]

From what I am reading you are ignoring what your wife is telling you. As a Christian woman, I have been through this as well. I have told my husband the same things and he thinks the way you do. It is not " poppy cock" that a woman enjoys sex for mostly emotional reasons, as to where a man enjoys it for mostly physical ones. That is indeed true. Yes a woman does enjoy the physical, but mainly by her physically being with her husband it makes her feel emotionally close to him. Sometimes when my husband and I are together it doesn't even matter if I am "fulfilled" in the end because I only wanted to "bond" with him emotionally, as I call it. Yes a woman can be stimulated only by physical contact, but it takes longer if her emotional needs are not being met first. The reason your wife withdraws from you when you try to do anything but kiss her is that she knows your motive is to get sex out of her and not to only be affectionate as you admitted yourself when you said, " So often times I'll try to initiate sex through gentle/ loving/ passionate touch" Your wife knows you are only touching her to get satisfaction for your physical needs and that makes her feel used and unloved. When was the last time you touched her, held her just to watch tv or came up behind her and hugged and kissed her and then just walked away without trying to make things go to the bedroom ? I'd wager not any time recent.
You need to back off a bit with the touching just to get sex, and try to be genuinely loving and give her what she needs from you for her to feel loved and emotionally close to you. When you make her feel special and loved by you in your heart, instead of just desired by your lower regions, then believe me, sex won't be a problem anymore.

 

[mailmandan]

Yes a woman can be stimulated only by physical contact, but it takes longer if her emotional needs are not being met first. The reason your wife withdraws from you when you try to do anything but kiss her is that she knows your motive is to get sex out of her and not to only be affectionate as you admitted yourself when you said, " So often times I'll try to initiate sex through gentle/ loving/ passionate touch" Your wife knows you are only touching her to get satisfaction for your physical needs and that makes her feel used and unloved. When was the last time you touched her, held her just to watch tv or came up behind her and hugged and kissed her and then just walked away without trying to make things go to the bedroom? I'd wager not any time recent. You need to back off a bit with the touching just to get sex, and try to be genuinely loving and give her what she needs from you for her to feel loved and emotionally close to you. When you make her feel special and loved by you in your heart, instead of just desired by your lower regions, then believe me, sex won't be a problem anymore.

You hit the nail on the head! My wife has told me for the longest time that I cannot cuddle without it leading to sex. Over the years I've learned to hold my wife's hand more in public, be a better listener, compliment her, do nice things for her and make her feel special and that makes all the difference! If my wife's emotional needs are not met first, then I can forget about sex!

 

[Ugly]

I'm not married, but i've been in long term relationships in the past that were sexual. She's wrong. Men are not purely physical about sex. Well, not all men. Some men perhaps. One thing i have actually posted on in Singles here, as a single now, is the desire for sexual intimacy (not just sex). And i've known women who treat sex as something to do, not as anything close. So she's backwards if she believes men are Always physical and women are Always emotional in that regards.

Far as the feelings of rejection, i can understand that. And the 'rules'. Somewhere along the lines she's got it in her head what intimate 'has' to mean. When in reality intimate behavior has more to do with the heart, than the body. So the trick here is to figure out how to get her to understand that your heart isn't represented by the position of your hips.

How to go about getting past this? Would be difficult to say. It would probably require some specialized counseling. But that would likely required secular counseling that will push behaviors that you might find unacceptable, but are considered acceptable by worldly standards. And even some of the Christian groups that aim at sex seems to be a bit overboard. There's little balance in the church, or the world, on this topic.

 

[Bushido8000]

From what I am reading you are ignoring what your wife is telling you. As a Christian woman, I have been through this as well. I have told my husband the same things and he thinks the way you do. It is not " poppy cock" that a woman enjoys sex for mostly emotional reasons, as to where a man enjoys it for mostly physical ones. That is indeed true. Yes a woman does enjoy the physical, but mainly by her physically being with her husband it makes her feel emotionally close to him. Sometimes when my husband and I are together it doesn't even matter if I am "fulfilled" in the end because I only wanted to "bond" with him emotionally, as I call it. Yes a woman can be stimulated only by physical contact, but it takes longer if her emotional needs are not being met first. The reason your wife withdraws from you when you try to do anything but kiss her is that she knows your motive is to get sex out of her and not to only be affectionate as you admitted yourself when you said, " So often times I'll try to initiate sex through gentle/ loving/ passionate touch" Your wife knows you are only touching her to get satisfaction for your physical needs and that makes her feel used and unloved. When was the last time you touched her, held her just to watch tv or came up behind her and hugged and kissed her and then just walked away without trying to make things go to the bedroom ? I'd wager not any time recent.
You need to back off a bit with the touching just to get sex, and try to be genuinely loving and give her what she needs from you for her to feel loved and emotionally close to you. When you make her feel special and loved by you in your heart, instead of just desired by your lower regions, then believe me, sex won't be a problem anymore.

Actually, we do that all the time. We talk about the emotional needs all the time. I hold her hand all the time. We cuddle and watch TV ALL THE TIME. We kiss all the time. We go on dates ALL THE TIME. We have sex all the time. Everyday. Her emotional needs not being met or even our sex life isn't the issue. It's the fact that she doesn't enjoy sexual stimulation, period, but almost fully relies on the emotional part of sex. But these are the kinds of responses I'm talking about from "Christian marital counselors". It's always "you're not doing enough of this" well...What happens when I AM doing enough of it?

 

[Bushido8000]

From what I am reading you are ignoring what your wife is telling you. As a Christian woman, I have been through this as well. I have told my husband the same things and he thinks the way you do. It is not " poppy cock" that a woman enjoys sex for mostly emotional reasons, as to where a man enjoys it for mostly physical ones. That is indeed true. Yes a woman does enjoy the physical, but mainly by her physically being with her husband it makes her feel emotionally close to him. Sometimes when my husband and I are together it doesn't even matter if I am "fulfilled" in the end because I only wanted to "bond" with him emotionally, as I call it. Yes a woman can be stimulated only by physical contact, but it takes longer if her emotional needs are not being met first. The reason your wife withdraws from you when you try to do anything but kiss her is that she knows your motive is to get sex out of her and not to only be affectionate as you admitted yourself when you said, " So often times I'll try to initiate sex through gentle/ loving/ passionate touch" Your wife knows you are only touching her to get satisfaction for your physical needs and that makes her feel used and unloved. When was the last time you touched her, held her just to watch tv or came up behind her and hugged and kissed her and then just walked away without trying to make things go to the bedroom ? I'd wager not any time recent.
You need to back off a bit with the touching just to get sex, and try to be genuinely loving and give her what she needs from you for her to feel loved and emotionally close to you. When you make her feel special and loved by you in your heart, instead of just desired by your lower regions, then believe me, sex won't be a problem anymore.

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

 

[J-Kay-2]

Every day ? Well, there you have it.. You are wearing a good thing out.
What are you doing that makes you need it every day? Is there something
else turning you on ?

I thought you were speaking of 'normal husband and wife' issues. But,
every day, several times a day is enough to make her shy away when you
come near. If I understand you right.

You will get lots of advice. Everyone knows about this topic. It is all
around us everywhere we turn.

 

[BeeD]

Actually, we do that all the time. We talk about the emotional needs all the time. I hold her hand all the time. We cuddle and watch TV ALL THE TIME. We kiss all the time. We go on dates ALL THE TIME. We have sex all the time. Everyday. Her emotional needs not being met or even our sex life isn't the issue. It's the fact that she doesn't enjoy sexual stimulation, period, but almost fully relies on the emotional part of sex. But these are the kinds of responses I'm talking about from "Christian marital counselors". It's always "you're not doing enough of this" well...What happens when I AM doing enough of it?

I am not a "Christian marital counselor" just a Christian woman who understands what your wife is saying and how she feels. I notice with the things that you do "ALL THE TIME" that sex is in there as well. And after the sex you put in there "Everyday." You say you are doing enough. But it seems your wife doesn't feel that way or she wouldn't pull away from your advances for sex. You are apparently a highly sexed man.....I had one of those one time. To say you are not meeting her emotional needs is not saying you are doing something "wrong", it's just that it is not the way she needs you too. You two need to talk more, even though you say you do all of the time. Obviously something in your communication is lacking or not being communicated properly or understood properly for there to still be this problem between the two of you. My husband at times have tried to do things that HE felt were romantic gestures, but they were not what I needed him to do to make me feel loved and close to him. You said her emotionsl needs not being met aren't the issue, but apparently it is if she is disconnected during sex because she said when your torsos aren't touching she feels you aren't being intimate. That is a complaint about emotions and emotions only.

 

[BeeD]

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

Ok well then I am failing to see what your complaint is. If she TELLS you she is happy and satisfied emotionally and sexually then why don't you believe her and just accept that and move on ?

 

[blue_ladybug]

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

Every day ? Well, there you have it.. You are wearing a good thing out.
What are you doing that makes you need it every day? Is there something
else turning you on ?

I thought you were speaking of 'normal husband and wife' issues. But,
every day, several times a day is enough to make her shy away when you
come near. If I understand you right.

You will get lots of advice. Everyone knows about this topic. It is all
around us everywhere we turn.

Bushido, you say you get sex everyday, multiple times a day, etc etc. I'm the type of person who can care less if I ever have sex again. LOL. But when I was with my ex, Shawn, he wanted it AT LEAST ten times a day!! I always obliged, but was never really into it. Maybe thats why your wife is reacting this way: she may feel pressured to perform alot. Try maybe having sex a little less often.
I completely agree with J-Kay-2's response. She is inwardly cringing when you approach her so often. Maybe she's too embarassed or ashamed to tell you she's had enough sex for awhile. One time when Shawn (my ex-bf) wanted sex and I did'nt, I told him I did'nt feel like it, and he was very unhappy about it and told me to go do something most unpleasant to myself. Some men feel driven to have sex all the time. Most women DONT feel that need. Try talking to your wife about the number of times you have sex. Ask her if she feels its too often, and tell her you dont mind if she feels it is. SHE should not feel obligated or pressured to have it just because YOU (may) feel the need for it alot more often!!

 

[Atwood]

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

Bush,
Have you ever heard the refrain:
The perfect is the enemy of the good?

It sounds like your wife has some hangups about some types of activities, not enjoying what a normal woman enjoys. But if what you have is fantastic, why worry about how it could be perfect?
It sounds to me like 90 percent of men wish they had what you have. It sounds to me like you really are an unusually lucky man in this department. Counselors would probably call your problem mUsturbation, the idea that something must be a certain way; so one makes some absurd rule that one will not be happy unless X. You have made a rule that your feelings will be hurt unless X happens.

This idea is nonsense: Women not enjoying physical sex, just wanting emotional foofah. Many women may never have learned how they can get the big enjoyment physically. People of either sex who get a big enjoyment, want it again.

IMHO, people are wrong who think that females mature sexually before males.
At 18 a male is at his peak. I think that many women don't mature sexually until after they have had a child and are in their 40's. So hang in there. And I think you don't appreciate how good you really have it.

 

[notuptome]

No self control. No respect for the partner. Gee I wonder why there is strife.

When you value quantity above quality you diminish the entire experience.

Wrong attitudes rarely produce a good result.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Nautilus]

I dont know about anyone else, but I feel like Im the only one understanding its not that the sex is bad or that the sex is too regular, just that the activities are rather vanilla and almost prudish sounding.

 

[psalm6819]

Some people are satisfied by what might be referred to as "vanilla sex". If a man is wanting his wife to experiment he needs to first present his desires in a non sexual setting so she doesn't freak out. A gradual approach and allowing a woman to adjust mentally and physically to types of stimulation she is unfamiliar with is the most effective way to achieve one's goal.

 

[lauram]

I sorta feel like diff people are just different about sex. I love the physical aspects of it, I really do and it doesn't have to be some huge lead up from being hugged and romanced first either. I like a mix! So does my husband like a mix! sometimes he likes to create a tension that lasts all day.. sometimes he likes spontaneous on the spot too.. I sorta worry that women being TOLD they only like it emotionally or need all this romantic lead up each time leads to dissatisfaction that might not be there otherwise. Sometimes I feel like all these differences between men and women in the lit is overplayed... so those are my feelings on some of this discussion.

I'm not sure what you are after though bushido. I don't understand. Do you want her to initiate sometimes? You wanna try different positions? what? maybe you should think about being real specific with her because tbh I am not understanding your posts...

 

[presidente]

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

Sex every day is quite a lot compared to statistical averages. Some men aren't going to give you a lot of sympathy if you say your sex life is lacking, but you have sex every day. (Btw, I'm inclined to think sexual intercourse during menstruation is fornication, forbidden for Gentiles in Leviticus, and I see the reference to fornication in Acts 15 as including sex acts forbidden to Gentiles in the OT, so I'm not in favor of sexual intercourse every day for that reason.)

As far as touching goes, if you cuddle all the time, she isn't rejecting that is she? Do you mean she just doesn't respond to any touch besides kissing before you are intimate with her? Are you using a euphemism to prevent being too graphic?

If she's enjoying the emotional aspect of it and you are enjoying the physical side of it, why not just both enjoy what you enjoy? It's good if your wife is passionate and wants you and all that stuff. You can gently ask her for more of that. Maybe find a questionnaire about married sex that asks the questions you want to discuss to open up the conversation in a non-threatening way. You can also say, "I really loved in our Honeymoon when you ...." instead of telling her how she does something badly now.

 

[presidente]

An idea that came up in the thread is when the husband wants sex with his wife and shows her affection, and she says, "You only want me for sex." Maybe the man doesn't show her much affection outside of the bedroom and can up the affection in other areas.

Or it could be that the wife has a problem with how she views sex, thinking of it as a bad thing, thinking of her husband having sex with her as 'using' her or taking something from her somehow. Men feel connected to their wives through sex. It's a way of connecting emotionally and bonding, an intense form of affection, in addition to the physical enjoyment aspect of it. They say women tend to want sex after they feel that emotional connection, but men feel the emotional connection through sex. If the man hasn't shown the wife a lot of affection, the wife may not understand how he can want sex with her and think he wants to use her physically without caring about her as a person. From his perspective, he may want sex for enjoyment, but he's reaching out to connect with her and she's rejecting him. So there needs to be understanding both ways. A woman shouldn't think ill of her husband just for wanting to have sex with her. And a man may need to show more affection outside of the bedroom.

 

[breno785au]

Bushido are you basically saying your wife doesn't like/want foreplay but you do?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Also, your mentality and logic is exactly what I'm talking about. You think I just want sex. I get sex. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Fantastic sex. The problem is that I feel like I'm the only one who physically enjoys the act of sex and it hurts MY feelings. She feels that there is nothing wrong in our sex life and tells me all the time how perfectly satisfied she is and how happy she is that I meet ALL of her needs. Emotionally AND physically.

Wow, your situation sounds extremely familiar. If you and your wife are having sex multiple times a day, chances are that you ARE the only one physically enjoying it. Your wife is tired of sex. She's probably too sweet to tell you, because she knows it would hurt your feelings, or maybe even because you've told her that you don't feel loved when she doesn't want sex. She is likely exhausting herself trying to meet your high physical needs. Every caress or sign of affection from you probably eventually results in sex, so she tries to discreetly avoid those situations.

Question... which would be better for you? Having less frequent sex that she does enjoy, or having more frequent sex that she isn't enjoying? Be honest with yourself here. Is her enjoyment worth more than the frequency? This will require some self-sacrifice from you. You may have to make a serious effort to NOT initiate ANY sex with her sometimes, but just hug her and love her without any expectation. If SHE tries to initiate (thinking to please you), you should tell her that you just want to cuddle. Do this periodically for her sake, so that she comes to trust that you don't always have to have sex after affection. Let her know that you love HER with or without sex.

You are hearing good advice and insight here. I hope you'll be open-minded and consider that what people are saying could be true.

 

[MissCris]

I can see both sides of this- it sounds an awful lot like parts of my marriage.

Others have already said most of what I think about this, so I'll just say:

You need to slooow dooown and give her "time off".
She needs to try to be a liiiittle more open to different things with you.

You can't have a good sexual relationship within your marriage without both of you doing some give and take (um...no pun intended...). If you don't back off some, you'll only make it worse as time goes by. She may not stop sleeping with you, but she'll become more and more bored with sex...where's the satisfaction in that for you? And if she isn't willing to take a couple of baby steps out of her comfort zone, You'll continue to feel this way. Also not good.

I would also say, since you mentioned that you've had sexual relationships before...that's probably raising your expectations with your wife to some degree. And maybe she feels like you're comparing her to past lovers, or maybe she's really shy and uncomfortable with the topic of sex...either way, definitely back off some, maybe try waiting for her to initiate sex.