The Banned Game

[Lanolin]

Godmama Lanolin was reading the Beginners Bible again to bubba. She was really enjoying the story of the ten plagues but then the thought came that she should check out something in the New Testament.

Loathe to skip pages, she placed her bookmark to where she got up to and pulled out her New Version of the New Testament latest updated international version for New readers digest. It had crossword puzzles in the back and pictures where you were supposed to find Jesus in the multitude of every page.

In the Letters section to Timothy she found something. Using her magnifying glass to make out the tiny print. the scripture said 'But if any does not provide for his own, and specially for his own house, he is worse than an infidel'


INFIDEL! That was the word I was looking for. But even WORSE than an infidel. Oh Bubba what are we going to do about your dad?

Bubba was looking up staring not at Godmama Lanolin but at the mobile of buzzy bees above the cot. The nursery had a garden theme and there were giant sunflowers all on the walls and sprigs of manuka.

I wish I had a magic wand thought Godmama Lanolin. Bubba looked so innocent and surely deserved a better life than the one that seemed destined if the dad never showed up. Well my angel minstries will just need to work overtime she mused.

 

[Lanolin]

Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs was giving Diagon Alley a run for its money. The Duchess had started a line in magical apparel, which included ruby slippers, unicorn hair, magic wands, and Cinderella dresses

The vintage clothing from Shittimstan was given a spray of glitter glue and now everything sparkled. She had now a regular customer in the Dame who liked all things mauve. Its the colour of royalty, she declared.

Husband Harry supported the Duchess in every way he could, mostly by just keeping out of the way. He had learned from his own mother that nobody ever looked at the guy and he was better off in the background, wearing black, and maybe a pair of dark raybans. Which suited him just fine.

 

[jennymae]

This was a very interesting piece of information, the chief of intelligence said out loud to himself. The Japovia princess was unwilling to clone herself. Should he tell Ms Jenny? No, let her think that a wicked clone is en route to her stupid fashion outlet. He knew Ms Jenny would probably throw him into the worst calabooze on Jennymaesian soil if she heard him use the word “outlet” about her stupid stores. That infantile woman who insisted on being a lady ought to wake up and smell the coffee… he chuckled when thinking about it.

For a couple of months he’d been scheming along with the underground resistance. The master plan was to overthrow the cockroach regime Ms Jenny was the head of. He could clearly and vividly imagine the little “lady” in a jumpsuit sitting in a cell awaiting her trial and hanging. There was only one problem. The sissy clone. Even though he was even more ladylike than Ms Jenny herself, he could be a problem. Then there was Ms Ruby. Worst case scenario was a military intervention from Rubyland. They were known to use military force when they wanted something. Ms Ruby, a long time friend of Ms Jenny, obviously would launch an attack if Ms Jenny was convicted.

People in Jennymaesia didn’t care about her relationship with the sissy clone. He didn’t look like a sissy so they believed the propaganda to be fake news. He merely reminded them of a captain or a general. A perfect match for Ms Jenny.

The stupid people of Jennymaesia, the chief of intelligence rambled on, but nobody else was in the room. The only audience listening to him was himself.

He needed to take action. A plan formed in his brain.

 

[Lanolin]

Mrs Hairy put her name in the CC Last Person to post wins slot machine. It whirred and spun and then made a jingly sound. The lights flashed.

Congratulations Mrs Hairy! You have won second prize in a Beauty Contest!

Keisha smiled. See I told you so!
Mrs Hairy looked surprised.
well come on, lets scratch our tickets and see what we won urged Keisha. Hope it's something good.

 

[Lanolin]

Keisha scratched her ticket with the tip of her SAG card. It revealed she had won first prize in the Tour of Beauty which meant she got to with Rachel Hunter on tour, and it included a shopping spree for the latest fashions at Megs Pegs, Legs and Wigs, and a years supply of Ruby Red Lipstick, and mascara.

Mrs Hairy's prize was that she got to hold Rachel Hunters handbag, a pack of Pantene treatment shampoo and also a free leg wax.

 

[Lanolin]

Rachels brilliant plan was working, all thanks to her green hair.

Of course Whaea Greenlips Hine could have green LIPS, but only Aunty Rachel had the green HAIR.

Soon she would have a green boyfriend too, Mr Tommy Hulk. She was planning on. introducing him to Greenpeace and mending his wasteful ways with pizza and tyres, and exchanging them for bulimibaby food and crayons.

After giving away her Tour of Beauty stash as prizes, she would capture Tommy, make him grow his hair long, move to Byron Bay and convince him to live with her as a beach bum while she taught yoga and saved whales. He would start a new life growing hemp and making digeredoo music.

It was too easy.

Just then Rachels phone went, it was Peter Jackson on whatsapp. Have you got the gorilla?
Rachel did a facepalm. She had completely forgotten about King Kong 2!

Hold on a minute. She scrolled down to Tommys name.

Tommy love, how would you like to dress up for me in a gorilla suit?

I would do ANYTHING for you Rachel, came the reply. Just get your gorgeous butt over here I am dying of lovesickness.

SUCCESS!

 

[shittim]

Newly inspired, Mrs. Hairy went in for a do-over-

 

[Lanolin]

Could Mr Tommy Hulk fall for Aunty Rachel in just one day? He cancelled all his other facetimes to be with Rachel who was putting on the show of her life.

Once again Rachel recruited Whaea Greenlips Hine as uber pilot, though this time she refused and said..Im not ferrying you over those stormy seas after that Wahine experience. Besides, bubs needs me. You'll have to string along Mr Tommy Gun on your own.

Rachel, who wasnt really used to not getting her own way all the time, was a bit non plussed. However she was presently surprised when Tommy announced on the facetime that he had now found a Gorilla onesie and wanted to spend quality time with Rachel.

Rachel quickly pressed record on the facetime and shared it with Peter Jackson. Sir Peter gave his perfomance a thumbs up like and said ok looks like you two are a couple now I will give you the role of King Kongs concubine Rachel and Tommy you can be her gigolo.

Mr hulk was so happy that he now had a starring role in a potential academy award winning film that he decided to abandon Rubyland palace and concentrate on his own ego building brand empire instead. Rachel hooked him up with the Kardashians social media account and he was off.

 

[Lanolin]

Godmama Lanolin signed up for Angel Tree ministries for Bubba.
Your dad may be in prison but that doesnt mean he doesnt love you, she said. If he, by some miracle makes contact this Fathers day I will give you his name.

Otherwise, Christmas is only 85 days away.

 

[Moses_Young]

Tzipora and the Great Chieftain had been busily tuned to the International Spy Vision for much of the week, keeping a remote eye on the antics of the certifiably insane Mrs Tizzy.

Tizzy had been to see Eagle Two for several makeovers at Miss Jenny's hair salon already. In Jennymaesia, the hair salon apparently had a more exotic sounding name, but as the Great Chieftain had noted, the place utilised pratically the same tools as they used in Mosestaria for shaving cats before being processed at the nearby meat processing plant, so "hair salon" was an adequate description. (No cats are permitted in Mosestaria, except for nutritional purposes).

At this early stage in the game, it appeared that Eagle Two had only considered Tizzy to be a kindly old lady suffering some sort of dementia, similar to that semi-famous chap on TV playing the role of president on several propaganda outlets - Captain Brandon. If Miss Jenny was somewhat suspicious of the intentions of the aged, foreign lady attending her fasionista on numerous occasions over the past week, she didn't let it show.

The two clones had departed for a holiday getaway on Eden Island. Apparently, Eagle Two had made a short stopover to visit Ruby, and had explained that it really was all 3 clones - and not just Eagle Two - who were instrumental in the salvaging of her organs from the dastardly Marxist McGown's hospital minions. As Eagle Two was too busy pruning nails, re-nourishing hair, re-colouring irises and that sort of thing in Jennymaesia, he didn't have too much time to visit Eden Island, and Ruby had reluctantly agreed to host his brother clones in his stead.

While Tzipora and the Chieftain continued to watch events, the faithful Mordecai suddenly entered the viewing room. Handcuffed, and following dejectedly behind him, were several hippy-looking, environmentalists from the Jacques Cousteau Society. At the sight of the red-beanied cultists, Tzipora managed to stifle a giggle, and the Chieftain gave a long sigh, before standing to greet the interlopers.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't a visitation by members of the infamous Jacques Cousteau Society," he greeted the intruders.

"I found them sailing, just off the coast of Petermann Island", explained Mordecai. "They've been anchored there for weeks - spying I'd presume. We undertook the necessary protocols and boarded the unauthorised vessel, capturing its crew," he nodded to the red-beanied activists.

The Chieftain nodded solemnly. He knew only too well the penalty for espionage. "Put them into storage, then, Mr Mordecai. I'm sure Mr Long-Ears will be pleased for the company."

 

[Lanolin]

soo, we finally meet Mr whats ez name.

Said the Monsieur Cousteau and his RedBeanies who were gathered in the icehotel/fortress/bunker. He who must not be Named had arranged an official reception to welcome the divers after realising that the spyer has become the spyeee.

Diplomacy?

The two parties echanged notes on cameras and editing equipment.

See this go Pro is the latest model and can film down to 1000 metres in depth. It has sonar capability.

Does it work under ice?

Freezing conditions do not seem to affect it.

He who must not be named showed off his latest spying drones, which he nicknamed the Eaglettes.

What ones do you enjoy watching Monsieur Nom De Plume?

Oh I enjoy spying on Lanolinland and , Jennymaesia but the one I love to watch the most is Rubyland TV. My favourite part is the advertisments for pizza. They have a new show set on an island, kind of like Survivor but better, its highly amusing to watch Miss Ruby squirm as she tries to live without clothes and makeup.


I see said Monsieur Cousteau. The Red Beanies conferred with each other.

How would your team like to star in our latest reality documentary? You will become famous for protecting Antarctica and all her inhabitants. We would love to film your spectacular ice bunker. To show the world how to live in harmony on the ice. What do you say?

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny had always loved bunnies. They were sweet and adorable with their cute noses and long ears. That’s why she’d hired a bunny for her chief of intelligence in the first place. At first he’d just wanted a carrot a day for pay, but as his ears grew longer his lust for big bucks emerged. Inevitably his greed made him betray the hand that fed him, and he defected. Now he was rotting away in a Mosestarian prison cell. They didn’t approve of traitors over yonder either. Well, bunnies ain’t known for their superior intellect.

What was worse was the evil spirited propaganda from Mosestaria claiming that her beauty boutiques were utilizing equipment of medieval descent on their customers. That couldn’t go unpunished. Ms Jenny decided to annoy Mosestaria the best way she knew how by announcing the marriage of the century. She would tie the knot with the sissy clone. They would invite everybody of significance to share this very special day with them. Even the Mosestarian authorities were invited.

The sissy clone didn’t take her initiative well. “Ms Jenny”, he stuttered, “I’m very fond of you and I’m grateful for the opportunity to build a career, but have you considered why I’m a sissy?” Ms Jenny stared gleefully at him. “Mr Sissy Clone, I’m afraid your ‘orientation’ can’t obstruct my strategical plan. Your career won’t suffer and our marriage will be strictly platonic. You will be free to pursue whoever you want as long as you’re doing it in your closet.”

The sissy clone looked confused at her. “In my closet? I love Ms Tizzy. I want to share my life with her. Ms Jenny’s face turned into the aftermath of a twister. Grim and disorganized. Ms Jenny could have handled that he was the victim of an alternative orientation, but Ms Tizzy!? She raised her voice. “Very well, I hear that the state prison is looking for a hairdresser. Yeah, I think you’ll be eligible for the position. You’ll start your new career at 6 pm today!” The next moment two armed guards entered the room and hauled the sissy clone away to his new quarters and workplace.

 

[Lanolin]

In event of nuclear holocaust or volcano, or maybe both at the same time, botanists and scientists had been squirreling away every seed on earth in a bunker up in Norway. But the Norwegian caretakers of the Svalbard seed vault were rapidly running out of room.

Where can we deposit our seed bombs? Looks like every vault will be full in about two months time.

We need a place thats in neutral territory, easy access but in constant chill.

Well, Canada and Russia seem out of the question then. We cant really trust those Mounties and Bolsheviks to be environmentally aware.

Yes and Canadians and Russians are notoriously stingy.

Well I have it on good authority that the Mosetarians have built a wonderful storage facility very near our Antarctic claim, and they may be leasing it out very soon.

Oh really, are they moving on?

Well yes they have their eye on Rubyland's Eden Island. It seems they plan to preserve it as an eagle sanctuary and bring back their beloved predatory birds from the brink of extinction. It keeps down their rat population, that boomed because of their increased consumption of cheese.

How did they bring back the eagles from extinction?

Well it seems they have quite sophisticated IVF program and kept a lot of eggs on ice.

wow amazing, I never would have thought the Mosetarians were forward thinking eco warriors.

Me neither, but you learn something new every day.

 

[jennymae]

The sissy clone was still in a state of shock when he arrived at the correctional facility. The lovely Ms Jenny had turned into a hardcore psychopath right before his very eyes. The vivid and warm girl disappeared in a blink of the eye and was transformed into a monster. Did she suffer from multiple personalities? Or was her lovely side just a performance? His body cuff was very real he realized.

The warden was a tall and heavily built man. He had a crew cut and the face was covered with scars. Probably a battle field veteran. The sissy clone was hauled before him and forced to kneel. “So you’re the feller refusing to marry our beautiful queen?” The warden’s voice was tainted with contempt. “You aware of what punishment such awful crimes carry?” The sissy clone didn’t respond. The warden’s accent indicated that he was of hillbilly descent. “It carries the capital punishment. To be executed in seven days.” The warden chuckled at his own words. “We don’t believe in modern methods. We believe that an execution should last for hours”. The sissy clone didn’t display any emotions, which of course irritated the warden. He tried to scare the sissy. Ms Jenny had ordered him to keep the sissy clone for 24 hours and then turn him loose.

They deposited him in a cell. “Tomorrow is execution day”, the guards laughed wickedly when they locked the door.

The sissy waited until night came before he made a hole in the concrete wall and disappeared into the dark.

He went straight to Ms Jenny’s mansion. He went to her bedroom and got in quiet like a snake waiting for its prey. Before she could alarm anybody he gagged her. “You and me, Ms Jenny, are going to Mosestaria tonight”, he chuckled.

 

[Lanolin]

Sir Peter Jackson reviewed the footage of Tommy Hulks gorilla audition. Tommy sure has talent, he mused scratching his beard. Perhaps I can now make my horror film 'It came from Mosestaria' after all.

Walking over to his props department, Sir Peter opened a cupboard to reveal a few flying monkey costumes and a pair of ruby slippers he'd picked up for a song at a movie memoriblia auction. They had been sitting on the shelf doing nothing for several years but now it seemed they were finally going to see the light of day...or at least, the light of his digital cameras.

Now I just need one other actor, if only I had that magic wand from the Harry Potter films.

He looked over the cast list.

Princess Ruby ...check
Wicked Witch Jennymae ...check
Wild unicorns...check
Prince Harry...check
Oompa Loompas...check
Flying monkeys...check
Wizard of Christchurch NZ...check
He who must not be named....?

 

[Lanolin]

Godmama Lanolin wrote up in her Plunket Book Bubba's latest entry.

weight - 5kgs
feeding - bulimibaby carrots
hair - none as yet
emoji -
dad- still no contact.

Fathers Day had come and gone. Bubba so far hadnt noticed what the different days were. But the aunties had to find a name soon because Bubba was growing up and could not be called Bubba forever.

Turning on the Lanovision she saw a teaser trailer for up coming show MTV Cribs. Inside Antarctica.

? what? I never got MTV before.

Aunty Rachel said that all the celebs got on MTV. It was Mosestarian Television. The Kardashians had taken over and they enjoyed making trash tv where nothing was censored and they could talk rubbish.

Oh said Godmama Lanolin, I dont have time for that.

Rachel said that it was better to know what your enemies were up to though. The voice over was extolling the virtues of some celebs lavish crib in Antartica which had a screen room of 50 televisions all with lazyboy chairs, a massive collection of drones and ferraris, pizza oven and cheese room, guest dungeons and cafe, and a virtual video games room where you could trade insults online with anybody you wanted.

Ugh turn it off, said Godmama Lanolin. Who in their right mind builds a massive crib in Antarctica for goodness sakes?!

 

[Moses_Young]

Eagle Two continued chuckling, as he scooped the gagged Miss Jenny into his arms. The lovely Miss Jenny's (or was it the psychopath's) heart missed a beat. Could it be true? Had she misjudged this sorry excuse for a... dare she say it... man?

He certainly was acting more in line with how she had been accustomed to men behaving. She hadn't expected him to have the muscle to sweep her off her feet, even if he did have to gag her beforehand. She struggled a little, but not too much, as she wasn't certain she wanted to escape just yet.

On feeling her struggle, Eagle Two removed Miss Jenny's gag.

"Do you really...", she began. "That is to say..." she started, but then thought better of it.

Eagle Two answered her question for her.

"Miss Jenny, I must apologise in advance. I'm behaving in a way that I know you're not accustomed to..."

Miss Jenny nodded, but didn't speak. She certainly wasn't accustomed to the sissy clone behaving in this manner.

"When I thought that I might never get chance to see you", Eagle Two paused a moment to compose himself, "or your lovely, magical hair again, I just couldn't bear it."

"But what about working in my fashionista?" Miss Jenny queried. "Won't you miss that most of all?"

Eagle Two shrugged. "Meh. There'll be other hair salons. Maybe not as good as yours, but money goes a long way, too."

Miss Jenny frowned a little. "Were all Mosestarians really so uncivilised they couldn't differentiate between a fashionista and a hair salon?" she asked herself, a little angrily.

"I think I'm sick, Miss Jenny", Eagle Two continued from where he'd been interrupted. "I have this terrible pain in here", he gestured to where his heart probably was. "When you sent me to the prison..." he continued sadly, "It got worse. But now I have you in my arms, it feels like I am a new clone again."

"But what about Ms Tizzy?" demanded Miss Jenny. "You love her, and want to share your life with her?" she repeated his words to her, as if somewhat jealously.

Eagle Two gave a broad grin. "That crazy, old..... You thought I loved Mrs Tizzy?" Eagle Two laughed out loud.

"You know we were being watched, right?" he asked.

"Really?" asked Miss Jenny.

"Definitely. Mrs Tizzy was most certainly sent by the Chieftain, in order to entice me back somehow. I wanted him to think his plan had worked, so as not to have him invent yet another plan to further disrupt my... our... lives."

Miss Jenny gave him a strange smile. Eagle Two couldn't be sure whether it really was Miss Jenny, or the psychopath that sometimes seemed to inhabit her body. "You do know that kidnapping an Empress is a capital offence", she informed him.

 

[Lanolin]

The sun never sets on Evereverland, my dear Edna.
After making an official announcement and running off to Gretna Green for a 20 minute marriage, the deal was sealed and the Baroness and Sir Claus were now man and wife.

The Baroness, now Dame had eschewed a big wedding and they both decided the funds were better spent on a honeymoon instead. I know a wonderful ice hotel in Antarctica. Said Sir Santa Claus. With Glow worm lighting...not that you'll need it my dear.

Excellent I can hardly wait.
The after that we will return to your estate now renamed Evereverland and you will be feted and adored there.

I must double check my trousseau for my touring outfits. Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs sure out did themselves with the glitter glue. remarked Dame Edna.

She opened her trunk and gasped, It was packed with wedding gifts. There were some gladioli bulbs from Prince Charles, and Camilla had also given her a gift. I bet its a bottle of Pimms.

But when she opened it, all she found was an old stick. To my dear friend, you once gave me a boomerang, well I give you this, a small token of war from the old country. Love from Camilla

why...its a magic wand.

 

[Lanolin]

The Red Beanies filmed every inch of Moniseurs Nom De Plumes ice bunker, who was being very hospitable now he knew he was going to become internationally famous.

They were taken to the escape room, locked in and given only an hour to get out, having to solve rubik cube puzzles and secret codes all the way.
There was a crazy mirror maze where Monsieur liked to go and gaze at his reflection into infiinity.
The cheese and pizza room was given over to rat chefs, as Monsieur Nom De Plume had employed the entire cast of Ratatouille to flip his pizzas. He proudly said that all his cheese was grated by paw and not done by machine.
The screening room had a bank of 50 televisions and lazyboys that swiveled and could see them all from a 360 degree angle. Monseiurs personal lazyboy had massuese function so that he did not get sore from watching tv which he did for hours at a time. See this one up here...I can watch Miss Ruby at any time. Shes my favourite. She doesnt even know that I can see her, even when she's picking her nose. Its so cute.

The Red Beanies only nodded and let Nom de Plume ramble on. He led them behind the curtain and show them his clone-o-'matic. It looked somewhat like cross between a video arcade machine that picked out little prizes and a tanning booth except this one was cloning his eagles. They look just like me, nobody can tell the difference.

why do you need clones Monsieur de Plume. Is one of you not enough?

Here Monsieur faltered. He did not want to admit it was because he didnt have any brothers, sisters. or even anyone he could call his friend except those he'd captured from Japovia and forced to be his friends/slave and he was all alone in his icy kingdom. Which wasnt even his. Miss Ruby was paying for him to be there.

I er...

Just then Mrs Tzipora came into view. Who are these interlopers? She shouted rudely. Havent I told you never to answer the door to Jehovahs Witnesses? No we dont your watchtower magazines. We canceled that sub last month. Honestly Moses if it werent for me you'd let every Tom Dick and Hairy poke their noses into our multibillion dollar business.

The Red Beanies looked at the floor awkwardly. Madam we are JCs not JWs.

I dont care what letters you go by. This is our private business. we are not open to the public. OUT!

The Red Beanies retreated. But when they looked back they could see he outline of Monsier Nom de Plume who had written something on the icy window. It said HELP GET ME OUT OF HERE.

 

[jennymae]

Ms Jenny wasn’t really sure about how to handle this entirely unprecedented situation. The sissy clone wasn’t actually a sissy. Maybe there was a switch somewhere so that he could change his ways if need be? Or maybe it was really the chieftain who controlled him? How cunning. What if she was a clone as well? Sometimes she switched from lovely Jenny into psychopath Jenny. Maybe her real self was incarcerated someplace else? Yes, she wasn’t feeling quite like herself of late. It was obvious that this body just pretended to be her.

Now that she was thinking real hard about it, her hair was feeling more like a wig than her own, magical hair. They’d done a good job gluing it to the clone, but clearly it was all fake.

Her nails didn’t feel right either. She had to find herself. Ms Jenny decided to let the sissy clone take the lead. He would probably reveal the whereabouts of her true self. Her brain was working overtime. She was not sure whether she was thinking literally or figuratively. Was she looking for her real body or her inner self. Who was she, really?

“You comin’?” the sissy clone took her by her hand and she came willingly along.