The Banned Game

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Moses_Young

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The Great Chieftain was a touch disappointed that the opening of the Eden-to-Great-Barry-Island Golden-Gate Bridge was so successful. He had secretly been hoping for another of the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland's nemeses to cause something more exciting, like a small war, or the attempted assassination of someone close to her, or at least the embarrassment of her friend Morty by announcing something from his past about the genderless (?) entity Lieutenant Harris.

The Great Chieftain thought it would be impolite for him to cause a second incident in relation to E-Ruby's golden gate bridge, given he had already claimed responsibility for the destruction of the first one, and that E-Ruby had still invited him to the celebratory event this time. He consoled himself with the information that Miss Jenny from Jennymaesia had conveyed, that the serial slanderer and fake news Queen-pin, the Empress Lanolin from Lanolinland, was now trapped like a rat in a cage somewhere on Eden Island, unable to return to her native Lanolinland due to the revolution that Lanolinland had literally been itching to have.

It was somewhat surprising that Empress Lanolin had not foreseen the fall of her empire earlier. There were all the warning signs - especially when even the bogans had started judging her hateful, rag-mag pamphlets not by their literary content, but by the quality of the paper it came on - namely, whether the paper was soft, strong, and thoroughly absorbent. Then when Empress Jennymae had started employing the services of that mysterious cat and his carer, an author by the name of Ms Née - well, the writing was on the wall for the erstwhile former leader of Lanolinland. "She must be French or something", the Great Chieftain had (somewhat-ignorantly) thought to himself when he first read the name of the cat's carer, given the funny little mark above one of the e's. The Great Chieftain had never actually been bothered to find out what all those funny little marks meant, but he knew when one had one in one's name, one was somewhat professional.

Empress Jennymae had performed her role to unseat the Fakir-of-fake-news stirlingly, and now the Great Chieftain in turn would fulfil his part of the contact. The Jennymaesian Empress had been somewhat desirous of a shaped geographical feature to add to her empire, to rival that of the Rubyland Triangle. So far as the Great Chieftain could tell, the Arctic Circle had just been sitting there idly for at least the past hundred years of so. Why not put it to better use, and incorporate it into the Jennymaesian Empire? Henceforth, it could be known as the Arctic Jennymaesian Circle...
 

Lanolin

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The one thing that the Empresses didnt realise was if they married into He who must not be names family - cousins, clones, whatever they were going to be His possessions...forever and there would be no escape.


Fools! They are just playing right into his calloused hands! Why were the women so stupid? The Mosestarian 'men' werent really going to follow them round like puppy dogs! Who were they trying to kid?!

However Miss Zipmouth kept silent. She knew if she said anything, she would get it in the neck from both of them.
 

Lanolin

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You know whats so annoying? Said Rachel at the nurse flat. Keisha and Miss Zipmouth were just hanging round on the sofa. Baby Jade was looking at her books.

?

Rachel had just come out of the shower and was drying her hair. Dr Chris Warner is following me round like a puppy dog.

Sure enough, she heard a whimper at the door.

RAAAAACHEL. whined Dr Warner.

I'll feed you in a minute. She said, with a touch of irritation in her voice.
 

Lanolin

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Miss jennys ginger cat got hit by a car. She usually neglected to feed it (not a job for her obviously) and it was having a nap on her driveway in front of her mansion. Miss Jenny was in a hurry somewhere and got her hummer out and didnt look where she was going. There was a cat pancake on her driveway.

Blood and guts everywhere. But Miss Jenny didnt really care. I'll just get one of the servants to clean it up.

however nobody knew about this because obviously it wasnt going to be broadcast on the TV, twitter, or The View, just like Miss Jennys 25%. People werent going to let go of this. The wags were saying shes only three quarters of a human being.

Nobody was going to get in the way of Miss Jenny when she was on the warpath.....even He who must not be named. But that was playing right into Miss Jenny's hang nailed hands....'if he fears me, then I can take his 'kingdom' or whatever'. Muhahahhahaha

Be afraid, Be very afraid.
 

Lanolin

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Miss Greenlips Hine you must give up watching Shortland Street and concentrate on your job reprimanded Mrs Olive.

Just because Baby Jade is judging the Childrens Picture Books doesnt mean you get an easy ride from the Justice department.

Mrs Olive switched off the Lanovision.

Now, lets get these criminals rehabbed, and these debts paid. Also, you are going to host the Book Awards with Miss Goodbooks.

Does that mean I have to read all the other books?

Well it is recommended you do.

Ok. At least they are picture books. Can I watch the tv version?

No!

Miss Greenlips Hine sighed. She cracked open Miss Witherspoons latest tome. It was all about how pretty she was y'all and how she was perfect and everything. Miss Greenlips Hine gagged.
 

Lanolin

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Miss Ruby was playing snap strip poker with her new boyfriend Mr Morty.
Snap! she said. It was two Queens.

haha.
Mr Morty you are playing right into my hands! Mr Morty removed his shoe.
 

Lanolin

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Viewers of the canned daytime soap 'The Young and the Restless' had now switched to 'the bold and the Beautiful' and were surprised when Miss Jenny and Charles showed up on there. It was as if they had never died in a helicopter crash over Shittimstan.

The plotline was that Miss Jenny's sister Miss Nee was a best selling author and she was jealous of her success. Authors dont do anything but whine! Whined Miss Jenny.

Miss Jenny decided she would impersonate Miss Nee and try to steal her royalties. Dognabbit, she was going to BE Miss Nee.

Charles, who was rather hopeless, decided he was going to change his name to John Grisham. He was tired of being a second rate imitation to the jug-eared fellow anyway. It was pretentious. He didnt do pretentious. He was aiming for precocious instead.

The relationship was quickly heading, as it always did on soap operas, to a split.
Miss Jenny found to her dismay that being an author was harder than it looked. She was constantly having to look up new words in the dictionary.
 
J

jennymae

Guest
Oh dear, now the Lanolin outlets are reporting that Ms Jenny and Mr Charles have been killed in a helicopter crash and that she really is me. I’m glad those people aren’t real columnists, there has to be some sort of logical composition in a story, but I can’t find it in those pamphlets. Maybe I’m too dumb, I can’t rule out that alternative, she shared with Mr Cat. What do you think this character, Ms Jenny, has done, Mr Cat? The cat remained quiet.

Ms Née plundered through her mind, seeking answers. How peculiar, she said to herself, this Ms Jenny girl is not to be found anywhere. I have searched through the entire trailer park, but nobody has ever heard of her nor anybody carrying any resemblance to her. How extraordinary, this is the trailer park she claimed to be from? Sure, Mr Cat said casually, but do you truly believe that trailer trash can rise through the ranks and become an empress? Isn’t that far too way off on the rags to riches theme? You’re such an enfant terrible, Ms Née said to her cat, why don’t you just shut up and be learning about this from an authentic author, me?
 

Lanolin

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Miss Jenny I mean Miss Nee has gone a bit bonkers now shes talking to her cat?! I dont get it. And why is she going on about trailer parks? Makes no sense.

Mrs Olive caught Miss Greenlips Hine watching the Bold and the Beautiful. Miss Hine! What are you doing?!

Um..Its not Shortland Street.

Yes but its a daytime soap opera. Which is worse! Pay attention!

Ok.

Did you read the books?

Well to be honest, 'Whiskey in a teacup' made me sick. I usually have kawakawa tea. I dont know why you'd put whiskey in a teacup, unless you were playing a prank or...gone bonkers.

hmm ok well what about 'Its all Good?'

Far too many ingredients. I prefer Miss Rubys 4 ingredients recipes over Gwenyth Paltrow's 36 . For a cookbook, its a fail.

Kind is the new Classy?

That one didnt have so many pictures. But Candace Cameron is too good to be true dont you think? She wrote that all the ladies on the View were horrible to her. I dont know why she wôuld say that. I think they were just expressing their different points of view...

Ok and what about Rachel Hunters Tour of Beauty?

Well, I didnt go on this tour of beauty but I think the pictures were nice. It wasnt staged like Miss Witherspoons or Miss Paltrows book. Or even Miss Camerons. Also, I think even though it was Rachels book it wasnt all about her and making herself look good--if shed had a ghostwriter maybe but I dont think she did. She was learning stuff about others and what beauty means. And I learned stuff when she learned stuff.

So do we have a winner of the Vanity Publications?

uh...can we say they are all winners?

Im afraid not Miss Greenlips Hine.

Ho. Ok but why me? They're all blondes. Shouldnt we get a man in to judge them.

Oh no we cant do that. Men dont read!
 

Lanolin

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Mrs Olive sighed. It seemed Miss Greenlips Hine wasnt coping very well with the new Justice ministry.
She ought to have a more judgemental ministry partner and not a soap flake millenial.

She decided to use her own judgment and pick Rachel's book as the winner. Baby Jade would have a harder time picking in the childrens category as there were more books. And Miss Goodbooks had added yet another late entry.

How Maui fished up Lanolinland.

werent their meant to be more books in the Vanity category? She looked down the list. Yes there was one missing that was pulled from publication. The Red Queen - Empress Jenny I hagiography. Miss Goodbooks had said that it had gone missing from the library and nobody could find it. But she suspected that it was actually because Miss Jenny read something about herself in it that she didnt like.

Strange... A hagiography is about a saint. What could possibly offend Miss Jenny about herself?
 

Lanolin

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Miss Zipmouth opened the first picture book of Moses

IMG_1543.JPG
Look what I found! A bubba in a basket!
 

Lanolin

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Rachel went on another date or rather run in with Dr Warner. This time his excuse was that he was training for the Round the Bays fun run and needed a buddy to time him. Rachel had to run slower or even walk so that she could pace him.

When they got to the end they had a trumpet icecream at the dairy...Rachel couldnt say no to anyone who offered now she had a lifetimes supply, and while eating their icecreams together Dr Warner thought it might be time he should declare his love for her.

Rachel, you hair is so beautiful

Oh ah...she waited for him to say it hadnt happened overnight

and I really do like you a lot...

Oh um...Rachel waited for him to say the inevitable

I have to admit defeat....

?

you cant beat a trumpet!

AAAAAARGH!
 
J

jennymae

Guest
What is the first word coming to mind when I’m using pathology and psychology in the same sentence? Ms Née asked her cat. I don’t feel that my credentials cover that question, Mr Cat said, but if I as a layman, or -cat, should venture into it, I’d say psychosis. I’d also like to add schizophrenia, cause clearly there’s a ragged version of reality present inside the perimeter of psychology and psychosis in this case. Oh really, who would you diagnose? Ms Née became curious.

Mr Cat raised his left paw. Who would I not is an easier question to answer. Both this Ms Jenny and Ms Lanolin are displaying symptoms like altered reality, grandiosity and dissociation. Of course they are, Ms Née said, they’re dictators. Mr Cat’s tail made a movement. If you say so, but they both seem to be trapped in micromanaging everybody else while they are neglecting their strategical duties. Neuroticism comes to mind. A cat doesn’t know what strategy is, Ms Née said annoyed. You are the one talking to a cat, not me, Mr Cat smiled.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you know what you’re saying, how do you know this much about mental health? Ms Née took a zip of her tea. We need to test reality, Mr Cat said, how many cats holds a doctorate in psychiatry? None, of course, Ms Née said cheerfully. Yet you’re talking about psychiatry with a cat? How likely is that? Not likely, Ms Née wondered, a bit more insecure. Where are you now? Mr Cat pressed on. What a question, I’m at home in Monroeville. There’s no sea view in Monroeville, right? No, of course not, Ms Née said confused. Take a look out of the window, what do you see? Mr Cat asked. I can see the ocean, Ms Née said surprised. Meaning you’re not in Monroeville, Mr Cat said softly. But where am I? Ms Née said nervously. We can talk about that tomorrow, I have some mice to catch, Mr Cat said eagerly.

Any progress, dr. Katzenjammer? a nurse asked him out in the corridor before she went in to Ms Née to administer her sedatives.
 

Moses_Young

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The Great Chieftain looked at his beautiful warrioress somewhat worriedly. It was true that the cat employed by the renowned Empress Jenny of Jennymaesia - and its psychologist/pathologist - were giving the serial slanderer from Lanolinland a right and proper trouncing, but at what cost?

The Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland had retreated to a hut on Eden Island with a couple of her clones and the Great Chieftain's cousin on his mother's side, and remained nowhere to be seen. "Probably a good thing," the Great Chieftain thought to himself. "If she could see what madness the world had come to in her absence, she would probably not come out of the hut ever again... And then where would be the fun in annexing the Ruby Triangle?"

The cat - presumably also known as Dr Katzenjammer - continued his psychological warfare against the former ruler of Lanolinland, as she tried desperately - but in vain - to change the content of her propaganda brochures and thereby circumvent the full brunt of the cat's mental bombardment.

"I think it's some kind of riddle," the Great Chieftain explained to his warrioress thoughtfully. "How many cats hold a doctorate in psychiatry?"

"What about Schrödinger's cat?" the Japovian asked.

The Chieftain nodded sagely. Schrödinger was another of those fancy names with the funny little marks above a letter denoting prestige and success, and Schrödinger had indeed owned a cat, although the Chieftain couldn't quite remember if the cat was still alive, or otherwise.

"There’s no sea view in Monroeville, Ms Née," he murmered softly, straining to understand why Schrödinger's cat's carer might have needed a sedative...
 

Lanolin

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Ok I will stop watching all soap operas. Miss Greenlips Hine promised Mrs Olive. Even Shortie.

Oh no Shortland Street is the exception, I will allow you to watch that one, just not the pale imitation one that Miss Jenny's trailer trash tv is now putting out.

What? Why is Miss Jenny now putting out trailer trash tv? I dont get it why she does these things?

Possibly because shes a very insecure, angry, and pathological woman?

Er....ok...

Have you been on Shortie yourself?

Sure I had a walk on part the other day. They have new uniforms.

Well they'll call you if they need you right?

Ok Miss Greenlips Hine now lets try to concentrate on the task at hand....justice.

Oh right. Well Miss Zipmouth informs me that The five picture books of Moses are missing words so she had to make up the story herself so Baby Jade can read it.

As long as there are no offensive pictures, I think we can include it.

Oh btw, I think Rachels books is the best. Also she's the only Lanolinlander in that category. Maybe Im being biased...

That is quite true Miss Greenlips Hine. Good spotting. It looks like we have to disqualify all the others then.
 

Lanolin

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When Rachel got home to the flat after her second disastrous date with Dr Warner she was feeling quite glum.

Sooo said Keisha, how did it go? Did Dr Warner declare his love for you?

Yes worse luck. He's completely in love with me.

whats so wrong with that?

Rachel sighed. Keisha would never understand the whole trumpet and hair thing. People never mistook her for a tv commercial.

Oh I dunno. Maybe third time will be the charm.

You're going on a third date? That was quick. You just saw him today.

I see him everyday. Thats the problem.

whats to worry? You're gorgeous and so is he

meh said Rachel. She didnt want to talk about it, that he reminded her of her ex.

BTW I picked up the mail for you from your locker. Keisha handed Rachel an official looking letter. OHMS, what that mean?

Rachel cut it open.. and her eyes went wide.

Keisha I won!

what, you won lotto?

No even better ....I won the last person to post wins!

hooray! They both jumped up and down. What do you win? asked Keisha. I hope its a trip to Raro.
 

Lanolin

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Old habits die hard. Dr Warner went for a drink at the IV and met up with his old mate Lionel who was now in Ferndale.

They did their secret handshake and pulled up a bar stool. After drinking a glass (which was really apple cider juice, as the IV served the medical profession) the men tongues were loosened and they started talking about what else, women

Good to have you back! So..hows your love life Lionel?

I met this great chick in Oz. Miss Zipmouth. Shes gorgeous. Shes going to be a movie star.

wow. Well, I met Rachel Hunter and we've already been out twice. Dr Warner wasnt going to be outdone.

Third times the charm right?

Yep.

what are you going to tell her?

Oh the usual. Shes beautiful and gorgeous, that shes different from all the rest and that we will live happily ever after. Chicks love that stuff.

right. Said Lionel. But he was having doubts. he had told Kirsty that too, and then she got amnesia and forgot him.
 

Lanolin

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The Queen Bees would be slated to perform Friday night. While on her break Miss Greenlips Hine turned on her tik tok and hooked up with Mrs Olive's new exchange students Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather.

They were helping out in the organic farm as WWOOFERs and help Xers, picking olives and collecting honey. Miss Greenlips Hine, hearing they were from Dixieland, asked if they would join her girl group.

Miss Bluebell said sho thang what are we doing?

Motown classics, said Miss Greenlips Hine. President Lanolin lent me the Supremes gowns.

Miss Tailfeather who was usually shy and introverted said she was in too.

Great! You going to love it.

What do we do?

Oh we just dance around lip synching on Tik tok and then send it to random people. Who also send it to randoms.

ok sure! Is this part of your job? Justice ministry or something? Mrs Olive said you were doing that.

Oh no its nothing to do with work its just fun thing Lanolinlanders do. What do you do in Dixieland?

Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather looked at each other. They hadnt even met before coming to Lanolinland. They werent sure what to tell Miss Greenlips Hine what they did for fun there.

I was working at a nail salon said Miss Bluebell. But it got raided by rednecks.

I was on the reservation, said Miss Tailfeather. We also got invaded by rednecks. They would shoot my family like we were animals.

Im sorry but what are rednecks? Asked Miss Greenlips Hine.
 
J

jennymae

Guest
Charles slowly woke up from his sleep. On Ms Jenny’s pillow a letter was waiting for him to tear open.

Charles, I have to travel to Mobile to visit Ms Née. She has been institutionalized. On what grounds I do not know. Probably her old schizophrenia flaring up again. She doesn’t know me anymore, nor anybody else, and she’s talking to a cat which is really her doctor. For some reason she takes Lanolinland a bit too serious. In her world that country still can add insult to injury. I’ll be back in a few days.

Charles shrugged and went back to sleep. The old ball and chain was away, that meant party time. When he finally got up he’d call Eagle one and Eagle three and make them bring some lightning water. Heck, he’d even invite the Chieftain.
 

Lanolin

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Rednecks are crazy angry drunk people. They just ruin anyones lives who stand in their way.

Miss Bluebell and Miss Tailfeather were trying to explain to Miss Greenlips Hine what a redneck was.

They have guns and shoot them at people for no reason.
They drink mountain dew instead of water and it rots their teeth and they have no respect.

So its not...people with red hair? Or red skin? Just red...necks?

No redheads are alright by me.
People with red skin are unfortunate though they should try to stay outta the sun.

Miss Greenlips Hine thought of her soothing kawakawa balm.

Its like. ok you look a certain way, and these people start hating on you jes' cos of what you look like. Which aint fair. Then they try and chop your head off.

Literally?

Miss Tailfeather said you need to walk a mile in someones shoes before you judge them.

What if you have no shoes? I often go barefoot.

Miss Bluebell found it difficult to translate Dixieland politics to Lanolinland. All she knew was that some crazy angry lady had tried to ruin the Blackboard Nail Salon just cos it wouldnt open on Sundays.

So what did you do?
Oh nothing the owners just let them have the place it was trashed anyway. They ruined it, they can clean it up.