Lately I've been having issues with my violin playing, I play with the worship team for church, and being Pentecostals, we're all quite comfortable with the fact that I don't have any notes or sheet music before me, I improvise the entire time. This set up is frightening as well as exciting 99% of the time.
When the Lord invaded my life and claimed me as His own, I told myself I would always and only play my violin for Him. That all songs were an expression of praise and love to Him. As soon as I did this, I found I could improvise to the worship songs I was listening to with ease and that I could hear the melody to accompany before I had the chance to play it.
I was a closet violinist for ages and only for the past couple of months or so have I joined my church worship team. Everyone seems to think my violin playing sounds good, but I have grown frustrated as of late. I get frustrated making mistakes, sounding bad and hitting the notes wrong. I became more concerned whether I was offending people's ears rather than worrying about the only audience that matters, the audience of one. The one I have to stand before when all is said and done and give an account of my life.
I was frustrated at myself, because I so wanted to come to that place like the old days. Where it was just me, the Lord and my violin.
Last week, I listened to some preaching about worship by Misty Edwards that gave me that shaking I needed. Feeling prompted to and feeling sheepish, I came back to my bedroom, and I blind folded myself with a scarf. I stood in the middle of my room, and didn't put my violin under my chin until I heard the Holy Spirit give me a song.
From there I played, and it was scary because I couldn't see what I was doing, I couldn't see my surroundings. It took me awhile before I stopped freaking out, itching to take the scarf off, and focused on listening rather than determined to play based on sight and with many peripheral distractions.
There was such a freedom in it I haven't felt in a long time. It became raw, and it felt true, honest. I got notes wrong and I realised that my ears were still in tact and my windows weren't shattered just because of a few mistakes.
I've been dwelling on it, and its a bit like life. Am I going to be more worried about offending peoples ears, or playing the melody of life that has already been played for me. Am I going to be an instrument hiding in the other sounds of life, or am I going to boldly make my sounds heard? Am I going to walk by sight, or by the leading and prompting by my Heavenly Father's voice through the Holy Spirit?
It's 10:30pm, I've been up since 5am, I should be in bed. Late night ramblings.