(Continued from Post #1
Now I know some people will say, "But Seoul, that only happens when people are old and don't have a sex drive anyway." But I would beg to differ. The communities I lived near had very active senior populations (55+) and message boards. I read some of the articles and conversations, and while they weren't Christian-based, they WERE very honest, and talked about how many older people were finding dating and sex to be even more exciting now because their kids were out of the house (no worries about someone walking in on them,) there was no longer any worry of pregnancy, and some people had more disposable income and free time to spend with a partner.
The point is, our culture might see us as dried up hags or old geezers by age 27, the but reality is far from that. One of the senior communities I lived near had a local "hookup" bar and restaurant, and there was a running joke about "the golf cart ride of shame" some took back home after spending the night with their latest catch.
If it's supposedly so easy for singles with a sex drive to find a spouse, then what happens? Are the porn addictions automatically cured? Is everybody getting all the adventure, fun, and romance they ever dreamed of?
Having spent a little bit of time on both sides of the fence (I was once married, but my husband left for someone else,) I would have to answer with a big, fat, resounding NO. And from the conversations we've seen on CC over the years, I think most married people would agree. But why doesn't anyone talk about the realities of this?
If so many people want to tell us singles how to solve the problem of our sex drives, why is no one talking about the times when married people want to have sex, too -- but are unable to, and yet, they are married? What do they do? How do they deal with it?
We singles need THOSE answers too, or else the readily given advice becomes useless. Even if we do get married, many are going to need some useful information about how to deal with, "Ok, I'm Married. AND I STILL CAN'T HAVE SEX. NOW what do I do?" because chances are, it's going to happen at some time. Even if both people remain blessedly healthy all their lives, God usually does not call both spouses home at the same time.
Please note that I am NOT at all trying to criticize married people, nor am I trying to turn this into a Married Vs. Singles boxing match. I am IMMENSELY GRATEFUL to the compassionate, loving married people I have known, and who are willing to hang around us here in Singles. But unfortunately for us singles, some married people are not that understanding.
Thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration at always being given such generic advice with no real substance behind it.
And for every married person who tells me if I'm struggling with sex, just get married, I would like to ask them about the following scenario:
I would tell them, "Let's say that your spouse is going to be unable, unwilling, and unavailable to have sex with you for the next 20 years. They are not going to show any interest in you, will not respond to your desires, and there will be no other outlet in any other form available to you. What are you going to do?"
Because that's actually a very realistic scenario that many married people find themselves in. And I would guess that no one really knows until they are smack-dab in the middle of it.
You're probably wondering how I would answer myself. I certainly can't say that I would take the news very calmly, especially after waiting for so long. I'm sure I would cry and scream for a long time, asking God why it had to be that way. But then God would eventually remind me of the nearly 20 years He's brought me through without a romantic partner, and He would probably say, 'I've prepared you for this. My grace is sufficient for you -- now get up and serve your husband.'"
Would I be joyful? Would I be grateful? I most certainly would not be so at first. But then I would realize that THIS is the power of what God has taught me through all these long lonely years, and I would ask God to please help me carry out the task that had been set before me, because I made the commitment to Him to do so. And then I would try my messy, imperfect best to implement my very shaky, unsure walk, relying on God more than ever.
THESE are the kinds of things I wish married people would talk to us about when they tell us to get married.
Don't just give me the shortcut pat answers, the Cliff's notes, the things that everyone expects good Christians to say. I want to know the truth, and most importantly, how God gets you through it.
So what is the point of this thread? Usually I have a clear topic and discussion questions for the reader to ponder answer. Today, I'm not expecting people to spill out the most personal aspects of their lives. Rather...
* I think what I would really like to ask people is: Whether you are single or married, were you given answers that you felt were too simplistic and didn't really address your real issues? How did you respond?
* Did you have unrealistic expectations because of what others told you? How did you learn to adjust to reality?
* What words of wisdom would you give to others to try to prevent them from falling into the same trap?
* What do you wish people would have REALLY told you, or would really talk about?
I do understand that my posts are very long (ironically though, many times there will be people who say I write way too much, but then will write their own answers or multiple posts that are just as long or longer, but won't read my full post, lol. There's nothing wrong with that, and I certainly don't expect people to read everything I write, but when someone writes just as much and apparently wants people to read what they wrote, it always makes me chuckle.)
Anyways, one of the reasons I put this all out there is because I am betting that I'm not the only one who feels this way (at least I hope not,) and I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.
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