How Willing/Good Would You Be At Accepting A Completely Different Love Language Than Your Own?

[Godsgirl1983]

For anyone who hasn't heard of The 5 Love Languages, I don't know if this pastor pioneered the idea or just expanded on it, but in 1992, this book came out and exploded:

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It was EVERYWHERE.

Churches were teaching classes centered around this book and it turned into its own empire. You can find charts, diagrams, and analyses galore on this topic. Even the It was treated as the revolutionary new thing that was going to heal marriages, ensure perfect ones in the future, and single-handedly bring down the divorce rates.

At least, that's how it was treated in the Christian circles I was in at the time.

To this day, you'll still often find it spoken about as a pillar concept regarding relationships.

Well, I was looking up, (well trying and not succeeding much) titles for the book series 5 love languages.
I know I've seen some for marriage (maybe the titles were slightly different, but same author and subject) and I know I've seen 5 love language books (same author) specifically for children and teens. I was going to post those, but have yet to find them

The one I found, which I did not know about, is for singles (at the time of posting this, this link will take you to the listing on thriftbooks)
Thought some of our friends here might find an interest in it.

 

[RodB651]

How do we learn to compromise, and where is the line between compromise and demanding too much/feeling as if someone is trying to control us?

Over the years, I've felt that the "love languages" were over emphasized. I felt it created a situation to argue about. It seemed like most married couples were fine till they read the book. Now they need counseling because they read something that made them think they had issues when they really didn't. But, I don't know. Maybe it really is something to ponder.

Quality time and acts of service are two that I work on personally. I've been divorced around ten years now and I've thought about this a lot. I think "Physical touch" would be easy for most guys cause we like to touch and be touched (No, I'm not talking about that kinda touching. Oh you people! 😆). I think the real trick for me personally would be could I sit in the room with this lady and have conversations and just enjoy having the conversations and being with her. Could I do that without sitting by her, holding her hand, or anything like that? Can we just enjoy each others company without any expectation of something more private later? I'm saying this in a marital context.

I also think that at this point in life, if I met someone and her personality was such that she needed quiet time or maybe even her own separate bedroom, I would be ok with that. I like my alone time to. We could live under the same roof but with different rooms... We could have date nights and such...

Hey Baby, your room or mine??? 😎😁

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I've never heard of marriages failing due to this concept or book. If one book ruins your marriage, let's be real, that marriage was on shaky ground to begin with.

Personally I've found it helpful in relationships. In fact I think it actually made some of my relationships better.
But it requires both to be willing to read it and put what they learn to use. If it's only one sided, it won't work out.

 

[ATSTD]

Over the years, I've felt that the "love languages" were over emphasized. I felt it created a situation to argue about. It seemed like most married couples were fine till they read the book. Now they need counseling because they read something that made them think they had issues when they really didn't. But, I don't know. Maybe it really is something to ponder.

Quality time and acts of service are two that I work on personally. I've been divorced around ten years now and I've thought about this a lot. I think "Physical touch" would be easy for most guys cause we like to touch and be touched (No, I'm not talking about that kinda touching. Oh you people! 😆). I think the real trick for me personally would be could I sit in the room with this lady and have conversations and just enjoy having the conversations and being with her. Could I do that without sitting by her, holding her hand, or anything like that? Can we just enjoy each others company without any expectation of something more private later? I'm saying this in a marital context.

I also think that at this point in life, if I met someone and her personality was such that she needed quiet time or maybe even her own separate bedroom, I would be ok with that. I like my alone time to. We could live under the same roof but with different rooms... We could have date nights and such...

Hey Baby, your room or mine??? 😎😁

This is going to sound a little radical but anyone can create a book. As a follower of Christ, I wrote a 64 page book in three days, the same year I got saved, called "How to Be Successful in a World that is Against You" or something like that, which was an instruction manual for potential non believers, to learn a bunch of basic informational facts about the Christian faith and how to go about getting saved. I don't think we should base love into five languages. I think love is way more complex then that, just like astrological signs try to tell you your personality, which basically puts a person into a box and that is just who they are for the rest of their lives.

Isn't there like way more names for love in the Bible (English, Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic) that mean or represent love that God's word says, than just 5 categories that man made?

 

[ATSTD]

This is going to sound a little radical but anyone can create a book. As a follower of Christ, I wrote a 64 page book in three days, the same year I got saved, called "How to Be Successful in a World that is Against You" or something like that, which was an instruction manual for potential non believers, to learn a bunch of basic informational facts about the Christian faith and how to go about getting saved. I don't think we should base love into five languages. I think love is way more complex then that, just like astrological signs try to tell you your personality, which basically puts a person into a box and that is just who they are for the rest of their lives.

Isn't there like way more names for love in the Bible (English, Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic) that mean or represent love that God's word says, than just 5 categories that man made?

@RodB651 you weren't supposed to be connected to the last post. (accident)

 

[CarriePie]

I ran across this this morning and had to put it here.

Mind you, I would never expect words of affirmation about my coffee. I like my coffee hot and strong, and without anything added. When I was a teenager, I was visiting my mother and she took a drink of my coffee. She got a terrible look on her face and said, "This will put hair on your chest!"
Fast forward to more recent years, I still don't have any hair on my chest, but my coffee is apparently still the same. A close friend tried it. After having a stunned look on their face, they were finally able to speak, "Tastes like ground truck tires!"

 

[seoulsearch]

I like my coffee hot and strong, and without anything added. When I was a teenager, I was visiting my mother and she took a drink of my coffee. She got a terrible look on her face and said, "This will put hair on your chest!"
Fast forward to more recent years, I still don't have any hair on my chest, but my coffee is apparently still the same. A close friend tried it. After having a stunned look on their face, they were finally able to speak, "Tastes like ground truck tires!"

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This was hilarious, thanks so much for sharing!!!

My Mom tends to like the BOLD roasts, so she gave me some to try a few weeks ago.

I took not even half a sip, and I was like, "This stuff is going to put hair on not only my chest, but also my back -- and I expect to wake up with a full beard and mustache tomorrow!!!"

Some coffee just does NOT mess around!!!

 

[Godsgirl1983]

I ran across this this morning and had to put it here.

Mind you, I would never expect words of affirmation about my coffee. I like my coffee hot and strong, and without anything added. When I was a teenager, I was visiting my mother and she took a drink of my coffee. She got a terrible look on her face and said, "This will put hair on your chest!"
Fast forward to more recent years, I still don't have any hair on my chest, but my coffee is apparently still the same. A close friend tried it. After having a stunned look on their face, they were finally able to speak, "Tastes like ground truck tires!"

View attachment 275387

I was about to tag @seoulsearch (5 love languages thread) but I see she already @ it

 

[Godsgirl1983]

I was about to tag @seoulsearch (5 love languages thread) but I see she already @ it

Oh wait! This IS THAT thread
I need sleep...
and coffee
not together..
sleep THEN coffee

 

[Cameron143]

Coffee is not for the timid.

 

[Smoke]

I've never read the book but I'm familiar with the 5 love languages. I'm not sure we need to change anyone so that they love us in our preferred love language(s). If we do, I doubt it will be a permanent change. Instead, because WE love someone, we ought to want to love them in their preferred language.

 

[Suze]

I've never read the book but I'm familiar with the 5 love languages. I'm not sure we need to change anyone so that they love us in our preferred love language(s). If we do, I doubt it will be a permanent change. Instead, because WE love someone, we ought to want to love them in their preferred language.

One thing I know about people is that I should never assume that anyone thinks the same as I do , feels the same as I do or communicates the same as I do . My husband is what is now known as Neurodivergant on an epic level 🙄 he has a personality disorder , autism , obsessive compulsive , ADHD and agoraphobia . There r probably one or two other things going on in there too 😆😆😆 he's very much an individual and even after 24 years he can still suprise me . I'm a very open friendly person but he is not so , we have had to learn to allow each other to b ourselves without trying to impose our own ways onto each other . We've just about managed it 🥴 it's been hard going sometimes but it's been worth it . If u think that u need to change someone so they r a better fit for u then u should probably leave them b and go and find someone that u don't need to change .

 

[ATSTD]

One thing I know about people is that I should never assume that anyone thinks the same as I do , feels the same as I do or communicates the same as I do . My husband is what is now known as Neurodivergant on an epic level 🙄 he has a personality disorder , autism , obsessive compulsive , ADHD and agoraphobia . There r probably one or two other things going on in there too 😆😆😆 he's very much an individual and even after 24 years he can still suprise me . I'm a very open friendly person but he is not so , we have had to learn to allow each other to b ourselves without trying to impose our own ways onto each other . We've just about managed it 🥴 it's been hard going sometimes but it's been worth it . If u think that u need to change someone so they r a better fit for u then u should probably leave them b and go and find someone that u don't need to change .

I tried putting a gold metal on this but the website was being weird but you are an excellent woman.

 

[seoulsearch]

I've never read the book but I'm familiar with the 5 love languages. I'm not sure we need to change anyone so that they love us in our preferred love language(s). If we do, I doubt it will be a permanent change. Instead, because WE love someone, we ought to want to love them in their preferred language.

One thing I know about people is that I should never assume that anyone thinks the same as I do , feels the same as I do or communicates the same as I do . My husband is what is now known as Neurodivergant on an epic level 🙄 he has a personality disorder , autism , obsessive compulsive , ADHD and agoraphobia . There r probably one or two other things going on in there too 😆😆😆 he's very much an individual and even after 24 years he can still suprise me . I'm a very open friendly person but he is not so , we have had to learn to allow each other to b ourselves without trying to impose our own ways onto each other . We've just about managed it 🥴 it's been hard going sometimes but it's been worth it . If u think that u need to change someone so they r a better fit for u then u should probably leave them b and go and find someone that u don't need to change .

Suze, I love your open, honest posts about marriage. Please, keep teaching us!!!

The thing that was on my mind the most when writing this thread wasn't just about learning to love others in their own language, but learning to accept the language in which they love you.

For instance, I've known a lot of people who grew up with a parent who figured their presence or job was enough -- they felt that if the parent always came home and provided everything that was needed, their child should have no reason to doubt their love.

But maybe that child needed words of affirmation -- and never got them. How many people do we know who are broken as adults, sometimes going through therapy, because they didn't receive the love language of their choice/personal need when they were growing up?

So then I think about that adult marrying yet someone else who speaks another "love language" and has to adjust...

What must it be like for the people who are never able to have their own love language needs met throughout their lives?

And how do they cope?

 

[JohnDB]

Do you think a persons love language stays the same throughout their lifetime, or can it change?

YES....it most definitely can change and shift. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

But TRUE LOVE is described in Corinthians 13.

Meaning....
That you adjust your behaviors to align with your love interests love language.

If it's words of affirmation....you give them. If it's tokens of affection...you figure out what you can afford. If it's quality time? Go home or get them to go with you somewhere.
Your "needs" are to be met by your love interest....you do not place your needs on them and give them what you desire. That's for them to do.

If you expect acts of service but instead get words of affirmation and then whine how "he just doesn't love me" puhhhleeese. It just means you two are having basic problems of not knowing how to be loving to each other. Meaning you chose poorly a spouse.

However,
One thing I noticed the most often during dating. Most people broadcast a love language desire. That in order to feel loved they strongly hint what they want their love interest to do.
However, it's a trap. They usually have one that really does mean everything to them. They keep that one a secret...they don't let anyone know about it or get anywhere close to performing it. Accidentally performing it for a romantic interest not ready for it is instantly met with an abrupt end of the relationship. (Too personal too quickly)
It's crazy out there....
Be careful people!

 

[Magenta]

If u think that u need to change someone so they r a better fit for u then u should probably leave them b and go and find someone that u don't need to change .

Love reading your stories, and just wanted to add here that this saying, "You make me want to be a better person" should sum up the desire we have in a relationship... not, "I want to make you a better person" LOL. I so agree with you!!!

 

[Suze]

I tried putting a gold metal on this but the website was being weird but you are an excellent woman.

Thank you but I'm very human and often foolish 😬 , I do feel very comfortable on here though , lots of genuine warm hearts ❤️❤️❤️ .

 

[Suze]

Coffee is not for the timid.

Try a good quality de caff . I never thought I would get used to it but I have 😁 .

 

[ATSTD]

Thank you but I'm very human and often foolish 😬 , I do feel very comfortable on here though , lots of genuine warm hearts ❤️❤️❤️ .

Trust me, I fluctuate all over the place as well and I do agree that this place has a collection a great people

 

[Cameron143]

Try a good quality de caff . I never thought I would get used to it but I have 😁 .

If not for the caffeine, why would someone want coffee?