Does he like me or is he just being a gentleman?
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spiritleadme23, I hope I don't sound like a grouch in this post, I just see a couple of red flags in this situation, and I don't want you to get hurt. First of all, I can tell by some of the things that you said that you are reading your hopes for a relationship into some of the things that have been said or done in this situation. I would be really careful about that. You are much better off seeing things for what they are and not reading into them.
Secondly, it sounds like you and him have had a conversation where he has told you that he is not ready for a relationship. The problem is that he is acting like you are both in a relationship without actually committing to it. Now I don't know if he has communicated to you that he has feelings for you or anything like that, but I think it's really important that you have a clarifying conversation with him to find out where he is at. Anytime another person's heart is involved (in this case yours), intentions absolutely need to be made clear. He does a lot of really nice things for you, yes, but he owes it to you more than anything else to be clear with you about what his intentions are. Neither you nor anyone else can make judgments about how he is thinking or feeling based on his actions, especially because he has been treating you like a girlfriend despite not desiring to be in a relationship. I don't blame you at all for wanting to know the truth, and it's really just beating around the bush to ask anyone else but him. I know that the things he does are kind and make you feel good, but if he is doing them and has no feelings for you, then that is actually really hurtful. And if he is doing them and has feelings for you, then he needs to be honest with you and own up to that. I know this isn't what you want to hear and, having been in a similar situation to you in the past, you probably aren't interested in this advice, but he really needs to stop treating you like a girlfriend until he is ready to date you. There needs to be some boundaries put in place. It's really easy to fall into a pseudo-dating relationship, but it basically provides most of the excitement of a dating relationship without any of the commitment, and someone always ends up really hurt as a result. This happened to me personally, and you are set up to be hurt in a really bad way if he doesn't start acting according to his intentions. Clearly based on your last conversation about this, his intention is not to date you right now, so he needs to not act like he is.
And part of this means that you have to demand those boundaries too. I know that you said you don't want to make him think that you are trying to get something out of him, but you actually do want to get something out of him. You aren't trying to get a relationship out of him, but you do want to be treated with respect and honesty. That isn't happening right now when his actions don't reflect his intentions. I know it's an immensely hard thing to do, but you really need to challenge him to make sure his actions are in line with his intentions. You should not be allowing him to pay for your meals if he doesn't intend to date you right now. And you have to be willing to really put your foot down about this.
I only say this to you so that you don't end up hurt. It might be fun to live in the bliss of it all, but I promise you that if you don't set up healthy boundaries, you are going to end up very hurt. If you do have healthy boundaries, however, you are going to experience so much more joy than you even do right now.
Secondly, it sounds like you and him have had a conversation where he has told you that he is not ready for a relationship. The problem is that he is acting like you are both in a relationship without actually committing to it. Now I don't know if he has communicated to you that he has feelings for you or anything like that, but I think it's really important that you have a clarifying conversation with him to find out where he is at. Anytime another person's heart is involved (in this case yours), intentions absolutely need to be made clear. He does a lot of really nice things for you, yes, but he owes it to you more than anything else to be clear with you about what his intentions are. Neither you nor anyone else can make judgments about how he is thinking or feeling based on his actions, especially because he has been treating you like a girlfriend despite not desiring to be in a relationship. I don't blame you at all for wanting to know the truth, and it's really just beating around the bush to ask anyone else but him. I know that the things he does are kind and make you feel good, but if he is doing them and has no feelings for you, then that is actually really hurtful. And if he is doing them and has feelings for you, then he needs to be honest with you and own up to that. I know this isn't what you want to hear and, having been in a similar situation to you in the past, you probably aren't interested in this advice, but he really needs to stop treating you like a girlfriend until he is ready to date you. There needs to be some boundaries put in place. It's really easy to fall into a pseudo-dating relationship, but it basically provides most of the excitement of a dating relationship without any of the commitment, and someone always ends up really hurt as a result. This happened to me personally, and you are set up to be hurt in a really bad way if he doesn't start acting according to his intentions. Clearly based on your last conversation about this, his intention is not to date you right now, so he needs to not act like he is.
And part of this means that you have to demand those boundaries too. I know that you said you don't want to make him think that you are trying to get something out of him, but you actually do want to get something out of him. You aren't trying to get a relationship out of him, but you do want to be treated with respect and honesty. That isn't happening right now when his actions don't reflect his intentions. I know it's an immensely hard thing to do, but you really need to challenge him to make sure his actions are in line with his intentions. You should not be allowing him to pay for your meals if he doesn't intend to date you right now. And you have to be willing to really put your foot down about this.
I only say this to you so that you don't end up hurt. It might be fun to live in the bliss of it all, but I promise you that if you don't set up healthy boundaries, you are going to end up very hurt. If you do have healthy boundaries, however, you are going to experience so much more joy than you even do right now.
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Oh my goodness! LOL! The whole time I was reading this, I kept on blushing for you guys hahah. So cute! Well, I think he is interested in you but don't look into it so much. You don't want to come off so strong. I'd say just continue to pray and ask the lord and also FAST. Fast and pray if this is what the Lord wants and if he is the MAN OF GOD the lord has chosen for you. Don't fall for him so fast, you might end up hurt. Just keep going at the pace you guys are going right now lol. Best of Luck, sister! He seems really sweet 
So about two fridays ago Ty and I were texting and it had been a week or so since we saw each other last so I casually said something like oh it's been forever since I saw you last it feels like and he responded yes it has we should get a group together to have dinner one night. So that kind of told me he's interested in hanging out in a group setting and being intentional about mentioning it instead of waiting for the next planned game night which was last weekend and he offered me a ride home before I even asked or whatever. So anyway last week at church our message was about trusting people more and afterwards me and him and my friend were talking about it and she kept bringing up how guys are usually more closed off than girls and whatnot. After that we went out to eat and she asked me if I had feelings for him and I said how did you know she said girl it's obvious and I'm 99.9% positive he's into you because I can read guys I have three brothers and two dads and I can tell when a guy is interested in a girl.
Then last night we had our group dinner and I was holding our table waiting for everyone and he got there last and I got up to order my food. He was about four people ahead of me and it was busy so by the time I was ordering he had already gone and sat down and started eating with another guy and when I got to pay he had made his way up to where I was and when I went to hand my card he handed the girl his card first and said it's on me and I said thank you. Then I went back to the booth and it was almost full and ty and another guy were sitting at the table next to it since we couldn't push tables together. We were still waiting on one more person so I went to sit down in the booth and they were all no no go sit at the table she can sit in the booth when she gets here like they were pushing me to sit with him and I sat with him and another guy and we had good conversation all three of us. Then afterwards one of the other guys was having a birthday so we went over to someone's place for cake and some games and the other guy went home so it was just the two guys now and all of us girls. Well after we ate cake we wanted to play a certain card game that no one had so someone said go to Walmart and get it because it was close by and the other guy said he wouldn't let any of us girls go alone that late so one girl said well how about you and ty just go. So about five seconds after they left all the girls turned to me and one of them said so are you and Ty a thing?!?! And obviously I was blushing and I said not really how would you think that and all of them, including ones that had never met me or Ty, said that it was obvious that he was into me and that I was into him. I explained the situation as I have on here and their consensus is that he's probably never had a girlfriend and he's shy and possibly scared and just wants to take things slow in getting to know me and they used the term courting and whatnot. They also said he looks at me a certain way that is more than friendly and obviously I'm smitten and that 8 months is barely anything so I shouldn't be concerned with waiting a little bit longer.
Then last night we had our group dinner and I was holding our table waiting for everyone and he got there last and I got up to order my food. He was about four people ahead of me and it was busy so by the time I was ordering he had already gone and sat down and started eating with another guy and when I got to pay he had made his way up to where I was and when I went to hand my card he handed the girl his card first and said it's on me and I said thank you. Then I went back to the booth and it was almost full and ty and another guy were sitting at the table next to it since we couldn't push tables together. We were still waiting on one more person so I went to sit down in the booth and they were all no no go sit at the table she can sit in the booth when she gets here like they were pushing me to sit with him and I sat with him and another guy and we had good conversation all three of us. Then afterwards one of the other guys was having a birthday so we went over to someone's place for cake and some games and the other guy went home so it was just the two guys now and all of us girls. Well after we ate cake we wanted to play a certain card game that no one had so someone said go to Walmart and get it because it was close by and the other guy said he wouldn't let any of us girls go alone that late so one girl said well how about you and ty just go. So about five seconds after they left all the girls turned to me and one of them said so are you and Ty a thing?!?! And obviously I was blushing and I said not really how would you think that and all of them, including ones that had never met me or Ty, said that it was obvious that he was into me and that I was into him. I explained the situation as I have on here and their consensus is that he's probably never had a girlfriend and he's shy and possibly scared and just wants to take things slow in getting to know me and they used the term courting and whatnot. They also said he looks at me a certain way that is more than friendly and obviously I'm smitten and that 8 months is barely anything so I shouldn't be concerned with waiting a little bit longer.
Honestly i think some people can be such a deceivers because all they want is to satisfy their own fulfilment. No guilt, no commitment, no fear - just selfishness. I understand that this guy is weak spiritual (and who knows phisical) but come onn!! 8 months already and he cannot decide what he wants? I feel pity of u, because i know its hard to stop all that magical feelings (and be willing to give them away) and simply ask "what is it u aim at?" And to tell u the truth, if he was really one of ur best friends then u could tell him anything (including hurtful stuffs like rebuke or bad jokes)..
OP:
Going by the link below, how long do you intend to be in this faux relationship?
Relationship Q&A: Friendships and Faux-Dating | Christ Chapel Bible Church | A Church Without Walls | Fort Worth, TX | Willow Park, TX
Going by the link below, how long do you intend to be in this faux relationship?
Relationship Q&A: Friendships and Faux-Dating | Christ Chapel Bible Church | A Church Without Walls | Fort Worth, TX | Willow Park, TX
A
Hmmm. I read your updates and it sounds like he might either feel insecure or he doesn't really like you that way.
8 months wow.
I am not that patient.
Often people don't feel worthy of love. I can see a little of that I your posts...insecurities keep us from accepting that someone else besides God can really love the imperfect people we are.
When I was first married and pregnant with our first child, my husband had to reassure me constantly that he really did love me. Mainly because of my insecurities.
However I had to do the same for him. Show him I saw that he wasn't perfect. Forgive after we fought and show him I loved him.
If he is waiting to date until he is "good enough" then he should take a vow of celibacy because he never will be "good enough" to earn anyone's love. That is what grace is a gift,because we could never earn it.
I would find out if he is interested in building a life with you or if he doesn't have those feelings for you.
I know it's scary to risk what you have, because if he says he doesn't have those feelings then that dream ends and you need to find a way to distance yourself because he will eventually find who God intends for him to marry.
However if he does have those feelings but is just insecure, then you both can move forward to the next step in your relationship and start dating officially.
Plus it's healing to know that someone loves you despite your flaws.
8 months wow.
I am not that patient.
Often people don't feel worthy of love. I can see a little of that I your posts...insecurities keep us from accepting that someone else besides God can really love the imperfect people we are.
When I was first married and pregnant with our first child, my husband had to reassure me constantly that he really did love me. Mainly because of my insecurities.
However I had to do the same for him. Show him I saw that he wasn't perfect. Forgive after we fought and show him I loved him.
If he is waiting to date until he is "good enough" then he should take a vow of celibacy because he never will be "good enough" to earn anyone's love. That is what grace is a gift,because we could never earn it.
I would find out if he is interested in building a life with you or if he doesn't have those feelings for you.
I know it's scary to risk what you have, because if he says he doesn't have those feelings then that dream ends and you need to find a way to distance yourself because he will eventually find who God intends for him to marry.
However if he does have those feelings but is just insecure, then you both can move forward to the next step in your relationship and start dating officially.
Plus it's healing to know that someone loves you despite your flaws.
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I genuinely forgot that I made this post. Well I'm sure a lot of you will be satisfied to know that you were right. A month after I posted the last update on here, he stopped texting me. I would see him at church, he'd make eye contact with me and then walk the opposite direction. I was very hurt and didn't know what his problem was. He started talking to other girls more than he used to.
Then in June one of my guy friends was giving me a ride home, and we had had conversations in the past about my situation and he was going through something similar with another girl. He stopped his car and he told me that he needed to tell me something but he knew it would make me upset but he had a duty as my friend. He told me that a couple weeks prior he had dinner with Ty, and in their conversation girls came up naturally. He said that Ty didn't give him a name, but that he talked about a girl he was interested that didn't attend our church. He also said that Ty mentioned my name somehow and that he never had feelings for me and that he gave me numerous hints over the several months that he wasn't interested. At the time that made me very hurt and angry. I wasn't as upset that he didn't like me, it was more that he said those things that were blatant lies. Even my guy friend said that he didn't think that was right because his actions were clearly misleading and he absolutely did not give me numerous hints of his disinterest. I was also angry that he didn't have the guts to say it directly to me. Now, I'm more upset that I lost a good friend. I am still angry that he said those things and just ignored me for no reason.
Then in October he randomly texted me out of the blue after not speaking to me since May asking how I am because he hasn't seen me at church. I just told him I was busy working at the church and he got all snarky saying that maybe if I made an effort to come earlier I'd be able to get socialized more. That really made me mad so I ignored him and then couple weeks after my friends were having a housewarming party, but I felt sick and decided not to go. I got rudely woken up at 2 am by my friend saying Ty asked where I was and if I was coming and that I should come. That really made me mad and I told her if he cared that much he could have asked me himself and I didn't want to see him. Then the next day he asked me why I didn't go and I said I wasn't feeling well. He said sorry to hear that. if you're in need of some good social interaction you should come to the event tonight. I didn't reply and it just really annoys me that he didn't tell me directly the truth about his feelings, then ignores me for months, and all of a sudden cares if I'm "getting socialized". That's just really rude and none of his business and why does he all of a sudden care? So fast forward to now, we barely talk and never text. I honestly try to avoid him at all costs because I don't like being around him.
So everyone that told me he was leading me on or I was being stupid and reading too much into nothing congratulations you were right.
Then in June one of my guy friends was giving me a ride home, and we had had conversations in the past about my situation and he was going through something similar with another girl. He stopped his car and he told me that he needed to tell me something but he knew it would make me upset but he had a duty as my friend. He told me that a couple weeks prior he had dinner with Ty, and in their conversation girls came up naturally. He said that Ty didn't give him a name, but that he talked about a girl he was interested that didn't attend our church. He also said that Ty mentioned my name somehow and that he never had feelings for me and that he gave me numerous hints over the several months that he wasn't interested. At the time that made me very hurt and angry. I wasn't as upset that he didn't like me, it was more that he said those things that were blatant lies. Even my guy friend said that he didn't think that was right because his actions were clearly misleading and he absolutely did not give me numerous hints of his disinterest. I was also angry that he didn't have the guts to say it directly to me. Now, I'm more upset that I lost a good friend. I am still angry that he said those things and just ignored me for no reason.
Then in October he randomly texted me out of the blue after not speaking to me since May asking how I am because he hasn't seen me at church. I just told him I was busy working at the church and he got all snarky saying that maybe if I made an effort to come earlier I'd be able to get socialized more. That really made me mad so I ignored him and then couple weeks after my friends were having a housewarming party, but I felt sick and decided not to go. I got rudely woken up at 2 am by my friend saying Ty asked where I was and if I was coming and that I should come. That really made me mad and I told her if he cared that much he could have asked me himself and I didn't want to see him. Then the next day he asked me why I didn't go and I said I wasn't feeling well. He said sorry to hear that. if you're in need of some good social interaction you should come to the event tonight. I didn't reply and it just really annoys me that he didn't tell me directly the truth about his feelings, then ignores me for months, and all of a sudden cares if I'm "getting socialized". That's just really rude and none of his business and why does he all of a sudden care? So fast forward to now, we barely talk and never text. I honestly try to avoid him at all costs because I don't like being around him.
So everyone that told me he was leading me on or I was being stupid and reading too much into nothing congratulations you were right.
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Spiritleadme, I have to say, you're actually a pretty strong woman. I read your posts - the first and last one twice - and, of course, there's some anger and confusion in both, why wouldn't there be. That doesn't surprise me. What you're dealing with is what I'd refer to as an ambiguous relationship. There's like two types, one where one is psychologically present and physically absent, like a long distance thing, and the other is the kind you have - and the worst one. It's this obscure, opaque emotionally draining suck hole where a love interest is physically present but psychologically absent.
This makes the grief of loss an ambivalent directionless trap. It's a confusing loss. It's not determinate. It leaves light shining at the end of a tunnel where no tunnel exists. It gives you time to formulate an amazing relationship with this person - a relationship exactly to your liking - that has no basis on fact. Your grief is undecided.
Yet through all this, you formulated a correct path. How did you do that? You saw through this obscurity and were decisive with your actions. I'm nodding my head in approval right now..... you did alright, kiddo. His loss, is what I think.
I'm writing this because a tendency of all this is to second guess yourself. But don't sell yourself short. Our Lord God of Israel outfitted you with a pretty strong womanly heart and a good mind to boot. I'll pray for you!
This makes the grief of loss an ambivalent directionless trap. It's a confusing loss. It's not determinate. It leaves light shining at the end of a tunnel where no tunnel exists. It gives you time to formulate an amazing relationship with this person - a relationship exactly to your liking - that has no basis on fact. Your grief is undecided.
Yet through all this, you formulated a correct path. How did you do that? You saw through this obscurity and were decisive with your actions. I'm nodding my head in approval right now..... you did alright, kiddo. His loss, is what I think.
I'm writing this because a tendency of all this is to second guess yourself. But don't sell yourself short. Our Lord God of Israel outfitted you with a pretty strong womanly heart and a good mind to boot. I'll pray for you!
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