Anyone a divorcee?
- Thread starter Stephy13
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Hi Stephy13, Welcome to CC, I hope it is beneficial to you. I was married at 20, too young, we had 3 kids, and were divorced after 23 years. I never thought it would happen to me, and Biblically I did not believe in it. But our years were very difficult on me (and the kids). He was a narcissist, something I did not understand until long after the divorce. I just knew something was wrong with him, and committed myself to my vows of in sickness. He was demanding, controlling, hot tempered, selfish, verbally abusive, threatening, blaming. There were good times, which got me through, but more bad times, enough to cause depression. I wanted to leave but I didn't know how I would survive, and was afraid of him if I did, and ashamed for others to know. I considered running away as well as suicide many times. That being said, I felt I had to stay at least until the kids were out of the house, but started to plan for an exit at that point. Before that came a time that I was so depressed, I broke down before God and told Him I just could not take it any more and I begged Him to change my husband, or provide a way out for me. A couple months later my husband had an affair (I knew this was the 3rd, but he bragged one day about 2 more). He told me he wanted a divorce but he wanted me to file. I had expected God to fix him, and actually fought the divorce, and refused to file. No matter what the reason for the divorce, or who files, divorce is painful. There is a lot of loss, your partner, income, home, plans and dreams, family, friends, church, so there is a lot of stress and grief. I was in terrible pain at first, I was afraid of the future, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected. But God very quickly wrapped His arms of love around me and told me this was my way out I had asked for and that He would take care of me. So I found my strength in Him, spent more time in His word and in prayer, started walking every day for stress relief, I fasted one day a week, and I started making plans for my near future. Every step of the way I could see God's hand in it, I had so much love and support from family, friends, the churches. No matter what my husband said or did, I only reached out in kindness, so I would have no blame.....I laughingly called it killing him with kindness, and at one point he told me to stop. There was pain and sorrow throughout, and for some time after, but there was also joy, and relief, that I no longer had to live that way. So, I guess in a way, I got over the divorce quickly, but 20 years later I still suffer some of the scars of abuse, and if I have to see him, I feel sick to my stomach and withdraw.
My advice to you is to attend church faithfully, study His Word, and pray, pray, pray. Keep yourself busy, take care of yourself physically and mentally. Divorce Care is excellent, but I don't think I'd go until after it's final. Counselling may be helpful, and maybe see your doctor and tell her/him what is going on. Due to the stress my BP was way up so she put me on an anti-anxiety med. I don't know about the living arrangements, but if you can stay put, it's in your favor when you go to court, whoever moves out looses more of the belongings. If there are bank accounts involved you might want to lock them in or put them in another account for safe keeping. My ex took all the cash, checking and savings accounts, and since I couldn't prove any of it he got to keep it all. Fortunately, when my lawyer found out, he asked me if there was anything else, We had mutual funds which he told me to move to an account in someone else's name. The ex did try to get it a couple days after I moved it, boy was he mad. The judge told me to use what I needed for moving and so forth (keep receipts), and at the close of the divorce we could split what was left. If you are lonely, get a pet, join a club, volunteer, surround yourself with supportive family and friends. I am glad you said you don't want to get into another relationship too soon. This is a common mistake, one I made myself. I had refused to date before the divorce was final, again protecting my innocents in it all, or to date a man who's divorce was not final. But I did remarry a year later. I don't know if it was part of God's plan for me or not, we were terribly mismatched, spiritually especially. But he treated me well, and we had a lot of fun together over the years, so I don't really regret it. But it was far from perfect and had I known him better I don't think I would have married him. Take your time, get to know yourself again, make sure you are over this loss, and when it's time to date, be sure you know him well, be sure you are spiritually matched. My second marriage did last 16 years, and I believe we would still be together, unfortunately he passed away 2 1/2 years ago. Look up Jeremiah 29:11, Phil. 1:6, Phil. 4:8 Prov. 3:5-6, Prov. 10:9, Nahum 1:7,
Sorry it's so long.....May God bless you and keep you.....Hugs and Prayers.
My advice to you is to attend church faithfully, study His Word, and pray, pray, pray. Keep yourself busy, take care of yourself physically and mentally. Divorce Care is excellent, but I don't think I'd go until after it's final. Counselling may be helpful, and maybe see your doctor and tell her/him what is going on. Due to the stress my BP was way up so she put me on an anti-anxiety med. I don't know about the living arrangements, but if you can stay put, it's in your favor when you go to court, whoever moves out looses more of the belongings. If there are bank accounts involved you might want to lock them in or put them in another account for safe keeping. My ex took all the cash, checking and savings accounts, and since I couldn't prove any of it he got to keep it all. Fortunately, when my lawyer found out, he asked me if there was anything else, We had mutual funds which he told me to move to an account in someone else's name. The ex did try to get it a couple days after I moved it, boy was he mad. The judge told me to use what I needed for moving and so forth (keep receipts), and at the close of the divorce we could split what was left. If you are lonely, get a pet, join a club, volunteer, surround yourself with supportive family and friends. I am glad you said you don't want to get into another relationship too soon. This is a common mistake, one I made myself. I had refused to date before the divorce was final, again protecting my innocents in it all, or to date a man who's divorce was not final. But I did remarry a year later. I don't know if it was part of God's plan for me or not, we were terribly mismatched, spiritually especially. But he treated me well, and we had a lot of fun together over the years, so I don't really regret it. But it was far from perfect and had I known him better I don't think I would have married him. Take your time, get to know yourself again, make sure you are over this loss, and when it's time to date, be sure you know him well, be sure you are spiritually matched. My second marriage did last 16 years, and I believe we would still be together, unfortunately he passed away 2 1/2 years ago. Look up Jeremiah 29:11, Phil. 1:6, Phil. 4:8 Prov. 3:5-6, Prov. 10:9, Nahum 1:7,
Sorry it's so long.....May God bless you and keep you.....Hugs and Prayers.
Hi Sugarysweet, I am sorry about what you are going through. I know the pain as I have been through it. You don't say how long you were together, if there are children, reason for the divorce, etc. I don't need to know, just want to say that you should look over the time you had together, I'm sure you can find reasons your marriage wasn't a waste. If I hadn't married my ex husband I would not have my 3 awesome kids, I would not have served in some of the areas of church ministry I did, I would not understand about abuse and been able to work with victims of abuse, I would not have done the traveling we did, and I would not have the good memories. I truly believed I was where God wanted me, and He blessed me in so many ways, despite the difficult times. Also, I didn't think I would every remarry, but I did, we had 16 great years that I would not have missed for anything, before he passed away. Just stay close to God, follow His leading. Jer. 29:11 God has a plan for you and it's better than anything you could plan yourself. Hugs and prayers!