What is your dating advice?

[Encouragement]

Hi I assuming you are meaning by saying dating that you would like to met someone special (christian)who you wanna have a romantic relationship that will lead to being married to then right?
Coz that's what most Christians are meaning when they use that term..yet peoples intentions varie in this area.Some aren't actually wanting to get married by just wanna experience the romantic dynamics of emotional intimacy..some dunno what they even want yet still wanna be meeting someone....some may not even want a relationship/marriage yet will allow something to develop Romantically with another person....the list goes on.
There are load of Christian dating apps around like "Christian connections"..ect and church activities are limited due to covid so the isnt the same scope to meet new people like before.
Best to not allow yourself to become obsessive about meeting someone or just getting involved with the 1st person that could come your way.Seek God about your hearts desires and wait in him and remember the enemie is very good at bringing us into serious harm in this so guard your heart and think about where you are most vulnerable and ask God for wisdom..discernment and let God reveal a persons true character to you.

Being single like all things has its blessings and hardships too...so does dating...and so does marriage..
Be wise..be careful..and be honest with yourself...if you are wanting to meet some special coz deep down you feel really lonely and want someone special then open up your heart to God and ask him to help you coor with such feelings and also for protection for being deceived and hurt and also from you hurting someone else too.
Also use common sense too and if you feel like having a browse at a good Christian dating website then follow the rules they give and soak everything in prayer.
God knows what's best for you..and if after a while nothing really happens...still belivd God has a great plan for you life..sometimes the season to meet some who is right for you hasnt come yet.
Be safe..be wise..be careful with your heart and allow God to guide your every step.

 

[Encouragement]

The more people you date, the more likely you are to find someone fit for marrying.

not always..the more people you date the more hurt you go through as each relationship breaks up..the more Ex's you have..and over time such experiences an create insecurities,confusions about relationships as sometimes the persons you meet turned out not to be the person you thought they were and often on reflection one can see where one went wrong..
I would much rather meet who God has for me than to meet someone..develop feelings for them..have a relationship then it ends..and then all the trauma it produces...Yet having a deep honesty before God is key and being able to discern a situation with Gods help can save a lot of unnecessary pain from multiple breakups.
Yet we all have different experiences in this area..some Christian's have never been on a date before..some have had multiple relationships that haven't worked out..some have been previously married...some are widows...some are carers of family members full time and others no space in their lives to meet someone...some are single parents with grown up/young kids....

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Don't treat dating as if it were a marriage or betrothal. Also at the first sign of serious character defect end it.

 

[Desdichado]

Exactly. It seems we're speaking two different languages here.

Taking a girl out for a beer and a taco does not a relationship make.

Don't treat dating as if it were a marriage or betrothal. Also at the first sign of serious character defect end it.

 

[CherieR]

dating is outdated.


what you ought to do is have an arranged marriage and get your pastor to do an altar call at church. The first man to rush down the aisle can be your husband. You can be married that day in front of all your congregation and it neednt cost you anything, as you've already set the date.

I think in this situation I may be the runaway bride...

 

[1ofthem]

I think in this situation I may be the runaway bride...

LOL...I hope she wasn't being serious and don't actually think that is good advice.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Going home from the bar and having sex don't make a relationship either.

 

[notuptome]

If the dating involves bars, beers and other carnal behavior then God will not have any part in it.

I've been married a long time so for me dating is but a very distant memory and my memory is not all good these days.

My only daughter was married only 6 years ago so I witnessed her tribulations in this matter. My one son is still single and he's nearly 40. I have another son who was 40 when he got married. What I can offer is that when God is ready for you to be married it will happen and it will happen rather quickly.

Be patient and be faithful, trust the Lord to bring the person you should take as a spouse into your life.

He that getteth a wife from the Lord getteth a good thing. A spouse from the Lord is better than treasure and great riches.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[seoulsearch]

Going home from the bar and having sex don't make a relationship either.

Why is it that the majority of married people in the church seem to assume or accuse singles of doing this?

I've never even been drunk, let alone left a place to go off with a stranger, and the few times I've been to such places, it was as a designated driver and/or person who was spoiling all the fun in the group. I did have a suite mate (non-Christian) who wanted to leave with some guy once, and I was like, No way, you came here with all of us, you're leaving here with all of us, because if something happens to you, I'm not carrying that on my conscience.

Why not get to know us instead of thinking this is what we do, because many of us here, don't.

Why can't we talk instead about the many times we've been hit on -- by people who are married?

In the whole time I've been here on CC, there have only been about 3 people I've ever put on ignore, and one was a married guy who was trying to talk to me, saying that he and his wife were having problems and he didn't think they were going to stay together (so he was obviously looking for spares to latch on to in the meantime -- if he was even telling the truth at all.)

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

Why is it that the majority of married people in the church seem to assume or accuse singles of doing this?

I've never even been drunk, let alone left a place to go off with a stranger, and the few times I've been to such places, it was as a designated driver and/or person who was spoiling all the fun in the group. I did have a suite mate (non-Christian) who wanted to leave with some guy once, and I was like, No way, you came here with all of us, you're leaving here with all of us, because if something happens to you, I'm not carrying that on my conscience.

Why not get to know us instead of thinking this is what we do, because many of us here, don't.

Why can't we talk instead about the many times we've been hit on -- by people who are married?

In the whole time I've been here on CC, there have only been about 3 people I've ever put on ignore, and one was a married guy who was trying to talk to me, saying that he and his wife were having problems and he didn't think they were going to stay together (so he was obviously looking for spares to latch on to in the meantime -- if he was even telling the truth at all.)

I do know Christians, I have been one for a long time. I don't know where you are but around here you'd be surprised how many that picked up their wife or husband by met at bar, got sexually involved, got married then later sitting in the divorce court.
If it ain't about you it ain't about you.
Also I have never spoken to you outside of publicly in open forum. I don't pm people. I have no one blocked. I know how to scroll, who to scroll on by.

 

[seoulsearch]

I do know Christians, I have been one for a long time. I don't know where you are but around here you'd be surprised how many that picked up their wife or husband by met at bar, got sexually involved, got married then later sitting in the divorce court.
If it ain't about you it ain't about you.
Also I have never spoken to you outside of publicly in open forum. I don't pm people. I have no one blocked. I know how to scroll, who to scroll on by.

I am certainly not saying that there aren't people -- Christians at that -- who live this way. I've known plenty as well, and have friends who struggle with the party life, as everyone has their own demons to fight.

But I always wonder why this image/assumption so often seems to be projected as being something that most or all singles do.

It's great to hear married people's accounts of how challenging marriage really is; but most marrieds who come here to the Singles Forum often talk to all singles as if most or all singles are unGodly, morally loose wild cannons who always need to be lectured, reminded, or corralled into being good.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

I am certainly not saying that there aren't people, and Christians at at, do this. I've known plenty as well, and have friends who struggle with the party life.

But I always wonder why this image/assumption so often seems to be projected as being something that most or all singles do.

It's great to hear married people's accounts of how challenging marriage really is; but most marrieds who come here to the singles forum often talk to all singles as if they are unGodly, morally loose wild cannons who always need to be lectured, reminded, or corralled into being good.

Because... Well there is a song that answers it well.... "Ain't that America"

 

[Desdichado]

That is funny.

I think I have more frustration with the singles who expect special signs, total comfort, etc. Edmund Burke liked to say the great things are rarely exact (or something like that). I'm inclined to agree.

Married Karens are married Karens. If they think me a helion, that's their problem.

I am certainly not saying that there aren't people -- Christians at that -- who live this way. I've known plenty as well, and have friends who struggle with the party life, as everyone has their own demons to fight.

But I always wonder why this image/assumption so often seems to be projected as being something that most or all singles do.

It's great to hear married people's accounts of how challenging marriage really is; but most marrieds who come here to the Singles Forum often talk to all singles as if most or all singles are unGodly, morally loose wild cannons who always need to be lectured, reminded, or corralled into being good.

 

[seoulsearch]

Because... Well there is a song that answers it well.... "Ain't that America"

In my 20's, I would have sat back and been a good little student who would nod at all the older, wiser Christian's "helpful" advice, like I was told to do (because if I would have said anything back, I would have been told I was sinning by rebelling.)

After having lived out a time of singleness that is often longer than what most people have been married (and every married person has a 50/50 chance of becoming single yet again, which they don't seem to acknowledge) I just think that if married people take it upon themselves to openly speak out assumptions about a single's personal life, do we not have the right to do the same with marrieds? Why do marrieds always assume they have the moral high ground?

If a married person tells me I shouldn't be going to the bars and picking up men for immoral reasons, why shouldn't I have the right to also give a bit of advice to the married's personal lives as well?

This is just a general example, and not directed right at you, Blackpowderdualist. But I have had marrieds constantly tell me what I should and should not be doing, and all the while they never ask me who I am or what I do or do not do. They just assume. How is this fair? I think singles should be allowed to give a bit of advice in return.

Perhaps something such as, "Now when you walk into the bedroom with your wife/husband, be sure you're only thinking about her /him and Jesus. Don't think about that cute little thing who made your coffee this morning, or that pretty/handsome youngun whom you saw earlier today with a few too little pieces of clothing, or the images that flashed across your screen 5 minutes right before spending this personal time with your spouse... because God won't have any part in it if you're thinking about anyone except her or him."

I'm just someone who thinks that the conversation between marrieds and singles should never be all one-sided when advice that assumes a person's lifestyle is being given.

 

[Desdichado]

Really, the equivalent would be you assuming married people cheat when they get bored.

There is a good and often unobserved biblical mean between being atomized and being a busybody. Regrettably, our culture of late has not habituated us toward that mean.

 

[Runningman]

Hello, I would like to hear some dating advice. I hope to find the right person for me soon. At times I have felt discouraged. I want to go about dating in the right way that God would be pleased. Any advice?

I don't really know your situation, but a lot of guys are jaded by being treated more like an asset rather than a human being, fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.

All too often in dating it's about their income or how good of a provider they can be.

While those things may be important, focusing on this makes guys feel like they're unimportant because it isn't a priority to most guys to take on a dependent.

Just focus on friendship and relationship building. If he offers to pay your way at dates then cool, but don't expect it.

Just my honest opinion. I hope that helps.

 

[seoulsearch]

I am also at a point in life where some of the married people who told me everything I should and shouldn't be doing are now finding THEMSELVES to be single due to death or divorce.

I have never done this... But I always wonder how they would react if I went back and recited the lists of rules and "good Christian advice" they gave to me -- right on back to them.

It's not that the advice was in any way wrong, but rather, it was the way it was delivered, without any regards to who I was or what I was dealing with.

My default example has become this:

Let's say the person you love most is in the hospital, and you're waiting for the doctor to report on their condition.

Doctor #1 comes out, gives you a hug, and says, "I am so very sorry, but your loved one passed away. I know you must have questions -- I am available to listen to you and to answer them as best as I can. I know how much this hurts, and I want you to know that I am here for you."

Doctor #2 comes out and tells you, "Your old lady/old man just kicked the bucket, so no sense in you hanging around here anymore -- you should just get your things and go, because I have to go check on the next poor sucker in line. Boy am I stressed out! I think the wife and I deserve a nice night out on the town..."

Now, no one can accuse either doctor of lying, but doesn't something feel wrong here? Both doctors told the truth -- but which one would you rather have care for you and your family?

Maybe it's just my own misfortune, but a good number of Christians I've encountered -- and seem to keep running into -- have been the second doctor and then some.

They never think they've done anything wrong -- in fact, they see themselves as being ultra-faithful messengers of God -- but yet, the way they deliver their truths always seems to hurt more than help.

The interesting thing is that the "second doctors" I meet always want someone ELSE to beat the "first doctor" back to them -- they want someone like the first doctor to be the ones to deal with their own problems, but yet continue to speak as the second doctor to anyone else.

I'm not saying any of this to sound accusational -- I'm sure I've been the second doctor plenty of times in my life, and I always ask God to change that in me -- but rather, I'm just stating that it is one of the many things that has often left me extremely discouraged within the church.

CherieR -- I sincerely apologize for derailing your thread.

It's just that every time a single Christian asks for dating advice, especially here -- someone always assumes that we singles are automatically somehow doing, or about to do, something wrong.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

In my 20's, I would have sat back and been a good little student who would nod at all the older, wiser Christian's "helpful" advice, like I was told to do (because if I would have said anything back, I would have been told I was sinning by rebelling.)

After having lived out a time of singleness that is often longer than what most people have been married (and every married person has a 50/50 chance of becoming single yet again, which they don't seem to acknowledge) I just think that if married people take it upon themselves to openly speak out assumptions about a single's personal life, do we not have the right to do the same with marrieds? Why do marrieds always assume they have the moral high ground?

If a married person tells me I shouldn't be going to the bars and picking up men for immoral reasons, why shouldn't I have the right to also give a bit of advice to the married's personal lives as well?

This is just a general example, and not directed right at you, Blackpowderdualist. But I have had marrieds constantly tell me what I should and should not be doing, and all the while they never ask me who I am or what I do or do not do. They just assume. How is this fair? I think singles should be allowed to give a bit of advice in return.

Perhaps something such as, "Now when you walk into the bedroom with your wife/husband, be sure you're only thinking about her /him and Jesus. Don't think about that cute little thing who made your coffee this morning, or that pretty/handsome youngun whom you saw earlier today with a few too little pieces of clothing, or the images that flashed across your screen 5 minutes right before spending this personal time with your spouse... because God won't have any part in it if you're thinking about anyone except her or him."

I'm just someone who thinks that the conversation between marrieds and singles should never be all one-sided when advice that assumes a person's lifestyle is being given.

Agreed. Successful single living offer wisdom to be shared, even to those who are married. I value wisdom where ever it comes from.
Your right to about where your mind should be when you're with your spouse. Thinking about others can set up unreal expectations, and unhealthy desires.
After 25:years married, I ain't studying divorce, if one of us pass a way and I find myself single, I'm gonna need some serious help.

 

[Lanolin]

I think in this situation I may be the runaway bride...

what, you dont want to be chased?
lol
ah well
just ask your pastor to organise a dance at the church hall instead, Im sure thats how it was done back in the day. You do know how to dance, dont you?

 

[seoulsearch]

Agreed. Successful single living offer wisdom to be shared, even to those who are married. I value wisdom where ever it comes from.
Your right to about where your mind should be when you're with your spouse. Thinking about others can set up unreal expectations, and unhealthy desires.

I sincerely thank you for this post, Blackpowderduelist.

Thank you for sharing a useful insight about what it's like to be married -- THESE are the kinds of things singles need to hear.

This is one of my frustrations (just stating this in general, NOT towards you at all,) that Christians seems to treat marriage as the end-all, be-all to many of our problems.

What's that? You're having problems with porn, or lust, or loneliness? Just get married and you'll never deal with another stray sexual thought for the rest of your life! Over and over, this seems to be the message that singles are always told.

Personally, I think that marriage is just the start of another battle. I've always wanted to write a thread asking, "Did Marriage Cure Your Porn/Lust/Sex Addiction?", because the few people I've seen who were willing to talk about this have said that it did not, and in some ways, made it worse.

After all, marriage might allow a freedom of expression that wasn't there before, but now the married person has to think about things like, "Is this action/fantasy I am wanting to try with my spouse -- ok with them, and most importantly, ok with God?" -- and what if it isn't? Marrieds still have to deal with sexual boundaries, as well as maintaining faithfulness and purity in thought towards their spouses.

I try very hard to keep all my posts G-rated out of respect for the amazing people who keep this site running, as well as our younger community that visits here, but I wonder how many married people are suffering in silence, and could truly use some Christian comfort and help.