Unequal house chores

[tstumf]

but I don’t know how to be assertive on the situation without setting my whole world on fire.[/QUOTE]

If I were to be more specific I should clarify that any type of assertive confrontation that crosses my mind in this situation feels like I’m about to drop an a-bomb on a house mouse.

You're both very busy, but the fact remains that there are chores to be done. You don't want to do all of the chores and that's reasonable. It's not going to be easy for either of you, but you can get through it together in order to lighten the overall load for you and her.

That being said, it's time to have the talk again at some point. Just level with her and sympathize with her because not everyone has the same capacity to load balance chores with the other demands in life.

You need to be the leader here.

So my idea is to make a check list of daily chores evenly and fairly divided up. One day you wash the dishes and she unloads the dish washer. One day you take out the trash and she sweeps the floor. One day you clean the table and she vacuums the carpet.

I don't know what your exact situation is, but if it feels like a team effort then maybe there will be more equality? Also, you might want to factor in things she just doesn't like to do such as unloading the dishwasher or taking the garbage out. You can make those two things your permanent duty while she takes permanent station as dishwasher and floor sweeper. I don't know, whatever works best for you two!

Anyway, maybe the most critical part is just having this talk with her. I know she doesn't want to do chores, but that isn't fair. So in my opinion the talk needs to happen regardless of her reaction. Just stay calm and assertive. Don't let it turn into an argument and try not to get offended. She may be depressed or have anxiety?

Any advice on how I can confidently be assertive? This situation usually gets me almost to that edge of having a “talk”. But with the absolute over the top emotions she shows it throws me off and I freeze up. I feel like anything I say after her emotional outbursts is like dropping an atom bomb on a house mouse. So by default every time when she turns on the water works I just instinctively back away for fear I’m being to harsh.

 

[tourist]

I do the dishes too every day and tidy things up around the home too. I guess your wife has other priorities than keeping a clean house. You might try skipping cleaning the dishes for a few days and see what happens. Before you do this hoard a few pieces of clean silverware for yourself and the 5 year old.

 

[tstumf]

I do the dishes too every day and tidy things up around the home too. I guess your wife has other priorities than keeping a clean house. You might try skipping cleaning the dishes for a few days and see what happens. Before you do this hoard a few pieces of clean silverware for yourself and the 5 year old.

That was my hope for selecting a few of the messiest areas to leave messy fhoping she would observe and take action… nah… they stayed dirty for over a month till I couldn’t take it anymore. There have been times if the dishes are dirty I will come home to to a sink full of dishes and fast food on the table with paper plates and plastic silverware. All the same thanks though.

 

[tourist]

That was my hope for selecting a few of the messiest areas to leave messy fhoping she would observe and take action… nah… they stayed dirty for over a month till I couldn’t take it anymore. There have been times if the dishes are dirty I will come home to to a sink full of dishes and fast food on the table with paper plates and plastic silverware. All the same thanks though.

Your OP sort of described what I went through for 6 1/2 years of my disastrous first marriage years ago. X was a world-class slob. I worked full time and she stayed home with our young daughter.

 

[tstumf]

Your OP sort of described what I went through for 6 1/2 years of my disastrous first marriage years ago. X was a world-class slob. I worked full time and she stayed home with our young daughter.

She wasn’t always this way. She used to be neat and tidy. She described her style as OCD clean while we were dating but then this crept in on me over the years and now here I am

 

[Lanolin]

You might have a hoarder on your hands
Im sorry I dont know how to deal with those kinds of people that fill their houses with junk and then expect someone else to come and help them clean or declutter because if they dont, they will get evicted.

true story.

well, what we can do is pray for your situation I suppose. You dont sound too unreasonable. But when she is in the wrong, be ready to forgive, otherwise, I think your marriage could be at stake.

If someone has OCD and cleans compulsively, there must be the other extreme that someone swings to. Maybe it should be called DD. Disorder Disorder.

 

[tstumf]

You might have a hoarder on your hands
Im sorry I dont know how to deal with those kinds of people that fill their houses with junk and then expect someone else to come and help them clean or declutter because if they dont, they will get evicted.

true story.

well, what we can do is pray for your situation I suppose. You dont sound too unreasonable. But when she is in the wrong, be ready to forgive, otherwise, I think your marriage could be at stake.

If someone has OCD and cleans compulsively, there must be the other extreme that someone swings to. Maybe it should be called DD. Disorder Disorder.

Please do pray by all means because Between this situation and the other matter on the other post we’re going to need a miracle from God to make it through much longer. I’m hanging on the best I can and haven’t given up but part of me wonders if she’s giving up and just isn’t confessing it to me yet. I don’t like to think like that but when you talk with people such as yourself who are a neutral 3rd party to the situation and that keeps getting brought up I can’t help but wonder what I’m not being made aware of by my wife. Just please do pray for us , our marriage and our family to be restored. Thankyou.

 

[Runningman]

but I don’t know how to be assertive on the situation without setting my whole world on fire.

If I were to be more specific I should clarify that any type of assertive confrontation that crosses my mind in this situation feels like I’m about to drop an a-bomb on a house mouse.


Any advice on how I can confidently be assertive? This situation usually gets me almost to that edge of having a “talk”. But with the absolute over the top emotions she shows it throws me off and I freeze up. I feel like anything I say after her emotional outbursts is like dropping an atom bomb on a house mouse. So by default every time when she turns on the water works I just instinctively back away for fear I’m being to harsh.

All I know to say is just use the bare minimum amount of words to say what's on your mind about the chores. I know it's a sensitive topic to both of you, but maybe you can ease into the topic somehow. Just try not to ramble about how upset you are because ever notice how if someone is upset and unhappy it becomes contagious? Yeah. So just try to be friendly and make sure your heart is right first and you're approaching it from a perspective of love. I don't know. Maybe you two can pray together first? I hope that helps.

 

[EternalFire]

And I would love to be able to say she would be open and receptive to this video. I absolutely agree with the video and see no issue myself. But, I know my wife. I know her attitude and opinions really, really well. It would be nothing short of a miracle by Gods absolute grace if she were to be able to sit and watch that video without stomping out the room like a child . Likely if past behavior is an indication of future behavior. if I were to show her this she would take offense. she would get up halfway through and stomp out the door if I were to push the situation she will absolutely tell me as sour as possible “This isn’t 1957 and I’m not June Cleaver!!!” “I refuse to be a Betty homemaker!!!!” she has told me these exact phrases on several conversations where home cleanliness has come up in the past. So normally I just back away from the conversation afterwards and become passive. Which is wrong. I know it’s wrong to be passive about it but I don’t know how to be assertive on the situation without setting my whole world on fire.

I certainly understand your predicament. Perhaps she will be more receptive to the word of the LORD God Almighty. Check out Lori Alexander's book titled Biblical Womanhood. It is full of Scripture to help your wife understand what it means to be a woman of God.

https://thetransformedwife.com/biblical-womanhood-a-study-guide-my-new-book/

 

[tstumf]

I certainly understand your predicament. Perhaps she will be more receptive to the word of the LORD God Almighty. Check out Lori Alexander's book titled Biblical Womanhood. It is full of Scripture to help your wife understand what it means to be a woman of God.

https://thetransformedwife.com/biblical-womanhood-a-study-guide-my-new-book/

I will have her check this out. To see if she would be receptive to it. I just recently last week got her started in reading (Captivating)by John and Stasi Elderidge I’m hopeful gauging by her emotional reactions to the first few chapters of that book things may change. But if it doesn’t I will absolutely direct her to this book as well. I think ultimately I cannot force her to change her attitude . All I can do is be patient and lead the family and our marriage in a Godly manner no matter how much she disagrees and protests. The rest I’m going to have to leave in Gods hands because after talking with him hundreds of times about it and this morning and feeling his presence. I’m wondering if what I’m seeing is simply visible symptoms in my marriage that are really due to some hidden spiritual issues that perhaps both my wife and I have. If the spiritual issues are addressed and resolved will the rest fall back into place? That’s where I’m at at this point. I don’t think I can force change In this situation. all I can do is prayerfully lead as a godly husband should.

 

[Lanolin]

oh, I really dont like the captivating book
but thats just me

Some women may like it, but maybe its only married women who want to be captive. I just call it being trapped.

 

[Lanolin]

I would recommend One year Bible Proverbs for women devotional by Debbi Bryson

There are some decluttering books with scripture but I wouldnt say they can apply to everyone.
June Hunts books are quite good. They are little books that deal with spiritual issues and have practical applications. Male and female.

You want to go a bit deeper than 'can you just clean up cos husband is getting annoyed' Cos you know what will happen, she will have an exhausting cleaning binge one time and then as time goes on it all just goes back to the way it was.

 

[tstumf]

oh, I really dont like the captivating book
but thats just me

Some women may like it, but maybe its only married women who want to be captive. I just call it being trapped.

I would recommend One year Bible Proverbs for women devotional by Debbi Bryson

There are some decluttering books with scripture but I wouldnt say they can apply to everyone.
June Hunts books are quite good. They are little books that deal with spiritual issues and have practical applications. Male and female.

You want to go a bit deeper than 'can you just clean up cos husband is getting annoyed' Cos you know what will happen, she will have an exhausting cleaning binge one time and then as time goes on it all just goes back to the way it was.

Thankyou for the recommendation. I will put that on my list for her as well. I’m open to any books and literature that will be helpful especially Christ centered and biblical.

 

[EternalFire]

I will have her check this out. To see if she would be receptive to it. I just recently last week got her started in reading (Captivating)by John and Stasi Elderidge I’m hopeful gauging by her emotional reactions to the first few chapters of that book things may change. But if it doesn’t I will absolutely direct her to this book as well. I think ultimately I cannot force her to change her attitude . All I can do is be patient and lead the family and our marriage in a Godly manner no matter how much she disagrees and protests. The rest I’m going to have to leave in Gods hands because after talking with him hundreds of times about it and this morning and feeling his presence. I’m wondering if what I’m seeing is simply visible symptoms in my marriage that are really due to some hidden spiritual issues that perhaps both my wife and I have. If the spiritual issues are addressed and resolved will the rest fall back into place? That’s where I’m at at this point. I don’t think I can force change In this situation. all I can do is prayerfully lead as a godly husband should.

Implementing and following God’s authority structure in the family has many benefits. I hope your wife will one day grow to maturity and be able to say about you what Debi Pearl says about her husband:

“There is not a day of my life that I do not wake up and thank God He gave me the wonderful task of being a help meet to Michael Pearl. I know God has used the man to instruct me, mold me, and love me into being the woman I am today.”

This quote is from the beginning of her book Created To Be His Help Meet: Discover How God Can Make Your Marriage Glorious. You can hear the quote above at the beginning of this video.

 

[Lanolin]

oh not Debi Pearl, that couple advocated spanking..hitting your children, hitting each other.
They were called up for child abuse.

 

[Lanolin]

Books on how to be a good husband are probably better.

eg. Home handyman books. Do you have a shed or garage where you can make stuff. A lot of men have them, and that keeps you sane cos its your own space and you can make whatever mess in there you like and the women wont go in. She gets domain of the house, the man gets the shed.

The other thing I can think of, if she really doesnt want to do the whole home maintenance thing is, you can all sell up and live in a trailer or a smaller house.

Living in a tiny home forces you to be clean and tidy as you dont have the space to be anything else. Big homes take more time to clean. It can take an entire day to vaccum and mop floors, wash windows do laundry etc and many women take days off work JUST so they can clean. If you do a bit each day, its less, but nobody has self cleaning homes unless they have a maid.

Just not possible. All those rich middle class and upper class stately homes? Always had servants, maids, etc. They could not possibly keep the place clean by themselves.

 

[tstumf]

Books on how to be a good husband are probably better.

eg. Home handyman books. Do you have a shed or garage where you can make stuff. A lot of men have them, and that keeps you sane cos its your own space and you can make whatever mess in there you like and the women wont go in. She gets domain of the house, the man gets the shed.

The other thing I can think of, if she really doesnt want to do the whole home maintenance thing is, you can all sell up and live in a trailer or a smaller house.

Living in a tiny home forces you to be clean and tidy as you dont have the space to be anything else. Big homes take more time to clean. It can take an entire day to vaccum and mop floors, wash windows do laundry etc and many women take days off work JUST so they can clean. If you do a bit each day, its less, but nobody has self cleaning homes unless they have a maid.

Just not possible. All those rich middle class and upper class stately homes? Always had servants, maids, etc. They could not possibly keep the place clean by themselves.

we don’t have anything extraordinary. As far as American homes are concerned it’s modest sized. 1500sq feet double wide trailer/ manufactured home. It takes me about 3 hours to clean the thing front to back every room. Windows haven’t been cleaned by her since we moved in 3 years ago. I’m the one to do that every few months or so.

I wish I could call my garage mine. See I bought the large majority of the tools for me but she likes to run the woodworking equipment in the garage and not clean up afterwards as well. Or alternatively she sends my son out to me and does whatever in the house but it sure isn’t usually cleaning. Which I don’t mind him watching me work but if I go do hobby stuff, even if I bring my son in on the hobby I’m still finding I’m the one cleaning. As it stands right now I’m busy enough just keeping up with my normal work shift , then cleaning and a lot of times laundry, dishes, starting my sons bath and putting him to bed I really don’t have time for a hobby. It’s a mess Lanolin I’m just praying for strength cause I know myself and prior to this marriage I never would have put up with this. But out of obligation and duty I continue cause I feel guilty if I don’t.

 

[Lanolin]

sound like you really need a maid.
dont feel guilty. put the money up for someone to come in once a week to do the big cleans. By having someone come in, it will also motivate you both to keep the house tidy or reasonable state so that the cleaner(s) can actually get in to clean.

I would say just do it, the money will be well spent. If you employ someone locally, you are also benefiting your community. Ask at church.

unfortunately, having a house and children means you have to clean. Even if you werent married, and didnt have children, you would still have to do chores anyway.

laundry and dishes are nothing. Ive got a load on now, I have to skip church today to get it out and dried as I will get no time during the week. Dishes, I'll do them within half an hour of finishing eating. I dont leave them to the next day as Ive heard some people do. If its a dishwasher I rinse and load my dishes in it, at school the recptionist puts in the powder since we are busy with our classes.

If Im at home I will do the washing of smalls each day and hang them out rather than wait for them to pile up for weeks. Because I dont want to run out of clean underwear.

Get a system going and stick to it.

 

[Lanolin]

I prayed about your situation this morning
I went to visit the library and found this book

I wasnt really looking but it caught my eye. Its called

Having a Martha Home the Mary Way
31 days to a clean house and a satisfied soul

by Sarah Mae
-coauthor of Desperate-

 

[Lanolin]

btw it rained and my washing is still wet. arrgh