Could Anyone Please Give Advice About What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Child?

[Lanolin]

in the Bible it was Rachel who cried for children in Ramah that never came to be, and she was not comforted...the other thing is women who deal with miscarriages and never even get to grieve because their baby wasnt technically even born...even if it was a stillbirth.

 

[Lanolin]

my experience...when a work colleague lost her child (a son) soon after birth I just went over and spend time with her...and her husband and her daughter, who wanted to play. I dont know if the daughter at six understood but it was a distraction and then later the mum could talk to me whatever was on her mind.

It was hard because at the time three of my work colleagues were pregnant, two had their babies but this one her child died at the hospital..it was some kind of blood poisoning or something went wrong at the hospital...it wasnt her fault.. They had combined baby showers i remember.

she did eventually go back to work although a different library it might have been hard to be around other young mums for a while.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello everyone,

Like most people, I'm looking forward to the day when it's finally safe to physically meet at our churches again, but my church is going through a situation that is really crushing my heart.

I was wondering if others who have been through this or something similar could please share their thoughts?

Right before the coronavirus hit, my church was already going through some major transitions -- one of them being that we had just hired a new worship leader, his wife, and their only child, who was adopted and of toddler age. None of us have any details (and out of respect, I wouldn't post them anyway), but at some point last month, their child was in an accident and passed away.

I mention that their child was adopted just because in the back of my mind, I am wondering if maybe this couple is similar to my own parents. My parents were originally told they would not be able to have children, and I know it affected them greatly -- most especially my mother. She told me that she would see other moms with their babies and become overwhelmed with sadness. I can only imagine how it would have affected them to finally get through the adoption process, only to lose the child to an accident.

I can't imagine what this couple is going through, and yet on Easter Sunday, the worship leader and his wife both got online and led a beautiful round of worship, thanking and praising God for His goodness, even though you could tell that they were both about to burst into gut-wrenching tears. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

This family was from out of state. I have no idea what their situation is -- maybe they haven't even been able to receive their families' comfort or presence because of everything that is going on. And when church DOES resume as normal, a good number of us in the congregation will be meeting, speaking, and introducing ourselves to them for the very first time.
I keep praying, "Lord, what on earth can I say or write (via a card) to this couple that won't possibly add to their sorrow?"

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

It would be greatly appreciated, as this has been weighing heavily on my mind.

So many great replies. As someone who has gone through several family tragedies I'd like to add don't say things like "call me if you need anything". Find a way to actually be of help or support. So many people said to my family they were just a call away, but you can't even think of that when you are grieving. You can't reach out. The "call me if you need something" is often a way to look supportive but isn't. Many people don't like to ask for help. So again, if you see a place where you could be of help, step in, tell them you're ready to help and stand by your word.

 

[pottersclay]

Hello everyone,

Like most people, I'm looking forward to the day when it's finally safe to physically meet at our churches again, but my church is going through a situation that is really crushing my heart.

I was wondering if others who have been through this or something similar could please share their thoughts?

Right before the coronavirus hit, my church was already going through some major transitions -- one of them being that we had just hired a new worship leader, his wife, and their only child, who was adopted and of toddler age. None of us have any details (and out of respect, I wouldn't post them anyway), but at some point last month, their child was in an accident and passed away.

I mention that their child was adopted just because in the back of my mind, I am wondering if maybe this couple is similar to my own parents. My parents were originally told they would not be able to have children, and I know it affected them greatly -- most especially my mother. She told me that she would see other moms with their babies and become overwhelmed with sadness. I can only imagine how it would have affected them to finally get through the adoption process, only to lose the child to an accident.

I can't imagine what this couple is going through, and yet on Easter Sunday, the worship leader and his wife both got online and led a beautiful round of worship, thanking and praising God for His goodness, even though you could tell that they were both about to burst into gut-wrenching tears. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

This family was from out of state. I have no idea what their situation is -- maybe they haven't even been able to receive their families' comfort or presence because of everything that is going on. And when church DOES resume as normal, a good number of us in the congregation will be meeting, speaking, and introducing ourselves to them for the very first time.

I keep praying, "Lord, what on earth can I say or write (via a card) to this couple that won't possibly add to their sorrow?"

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

It would be greatly appreciated, as this has been weighing heavily on my mind.

The best advice I can give you saint is to say nothing. Offer yourself to help them in daily matters, lend a ear to listen, be slow to speak.
I lost my daughter, brother, and neice all at a young age.
Focus yourself on helping them through it and not having the answers to comfort. You can't plain and simple.
If you see a need and can meet it do it. Ask the Lord to prompt their heart to ask questions and for the Lord to give you the words to speak if necessary.
In times of grief and sorrow there's always a elephant in the room. Why.
Anything said cannot undo that which is done. We can only go from there and begin to heal the best we can. Let the Holy Spirit do his job as there comforter he's a professional.
Prayers and thoughts be with you

Potter

 

[Lanolin]

when we grieve for someone and someone doesnt share our grief, that is hard.
I remember when one of my friends died and I was sad over it too because she was my friend, but it was even harder for her mum and dad, because the unspoken thing is they may have blamed themselves for not preventing her death.
in some instances you cannot say anything at all because it will just touch on that wound.

i remember when an elder lady at church died who I was good friends with, and i was told by another church member not to even contact her family, I dont even know what the reason is for that but some people just want to be left alone, maybe because they cant handle all the attention at the time. sometimes its best to send flowers a couple of months later...when funeral arrangements have been and gone.

with many people having private burials and some even have cremations thats hard too. those in tough financial cricumstances often have to make decisons regarding burial or cremation that may break them. if you can assist in lieu of flowers give to a charity the parents support as a way of helping and saying you care.

 

[Billyd]

when we grieve for someone and someone doesnt share our grief, that is hard.
I remember when one of my friends died and I was sad over it too because she was my friend, but it was even harder for her mum and dad, because the unspoken thing is they may have blamed themselves for not preventing her death.
in some instances you cannot say anything at all because it will just touch on that wound.

i remember when an elder lady at church died who I was good friends with, and i was told by another church member not to even contact her family, I dont even know what the reason is for that but some people just want to be left alone, maybe because they cant handle all the attention at the time. sometimes its best to send flowers a couple of months later...when funeral arrangements have been and gone.

with many people having private burials and some even have cremations thats hard too. those in tough financial cricumstances often have to make decisons regarding burial or cremation that may break them. if you can assist in lieu of flowers give to a charity the parents support as a way of helping and saying you care.

I would add, if you know that the family is struggling financially (and most of those who lose a young child are), send them cash.

 

[presidente]

"I am so sorry. If there is anything I can do for you, let me know."

I don't think there are any special words that make it right.

Paul also gives us some words to comfort one another, so that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. Those are in I Thessalonians 4 about the resurrection.

 

[BibleStudent60]

Three weeks ago, we lost some friends to a house fire. The husband survived for 5 days and his wife survived for 10 days due to the severity of the burns. The couple’s parents (now in their late 80s) are even better friends of ours and although many in our congregation rushed over to offer succor, I held back a couple of weeks in expressing anything to them to allow them time to mourn in private and to sort out their feelings about the loss of their only child and their future care provider and loving son-in-law.

As Godly people, they are already familiar with the resurrection hope and so I finally sent a message expressing my sadness over their loss along with some uplifting and fond memories I had of their grown daughter and her son. I know we are all aware of Proverbs 17:17, which states: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” But the good question is just how does one provide loving thoughts and what can one say. I don’t have the words and I am not sure even a Nobel Laureate in Literature would have the right words and yes, I find these times to be awkward, but it is something we have to address, even if I bumble my way through it…

 

[Billyd]

Three weeks ago, we lost some friends to a house fire. The husband survived for 5 days and his wife survived for 10 days due to the severity of the burns. The couple’s parents (now in their late 80s) are even better friends of ours and although many in our congregation rushed over to offer succor, I held back a couple of weeks in expressing anything to them to allow them time to mourn in private and to sort out their feelings about the loss of their only child and their future care provider and loving son-in-law.

As Godly people, they are already familiar with the resurrection hope and so I finally sent a message expressing my sadness over their loss along with some uplifting and fond memories I had of their grown daughter and her son. I know we are all aware of Proverbs 17:17, which states: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” But the good question is just how does one provide loving thoughts and what can one say. I don’t have the words and I am not sure even a Nobel Laureate in Literature would have the right words and yes, I find these times to be awkward, but it is something we have to address, even if I bumble my way through it…

You're right, there are no right words. My father was the last of my grandfather's children to pass away (4 of 5) before he passed. My grandmother had passed away four years earlier. I spent several weeks with him after the funeral services. There were a lot of tears, long periods of silence, and many hugs. Most of the time he just wanted to talk, so I listened. Many times he asked me the question, Why didn't the Lord take me first? The only answer that I could give him was God needed him in this world just a little longer.

What can you do? Make sure that the parents are comfortable, and have what they need. Then listen to them. Trust God to give you the words that they need to hear. Most of all let them talk, while you LISTEN.

We love you and will keep you and the parents in our prayers.

 

[oldethennew]

I've lost (two), but I know for sure that we will be re-united when God wills...

 

[Prycejosh1987]

I keep praying, "Lord, what on earth can I say or write (via a card) to this couple that won't possibly add to their sorrow?"

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

Just tell them everything happens for a reason and that they should not keep up and their faith and that the blessings they want in their lives are on the way.