can you guys post something funny please?

[JimmyTheLock]

Jokes by comedian Steven Wright

I had a helicopter once... but had no place to park it.
So I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
"Do you have any toy train schedules?"
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Mechanic to customer: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do batteries run on?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I used to work at the airport…I provided valet service and parked airplanes. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I know a guy that tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... He said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 

[JimmyTheLock]

MORE jokes by comedian Steven Wright

A day without sunshine is like...Night!

On the other hand you have different fingers

I just got lost in thought...it wasn't familiar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear to
be bright until you hear them speak.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

What disease did "cured ham" actually have?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why do they sell bags in boxes….don’t they have any confidence in their own product?

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Just leave it in the garage

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. " Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Laws written by Cats

Laws of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Math Teacher Arrested

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual – later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious algebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Mexican Jews

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican
restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

My Dad

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a poem; they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a song and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

My pastor will find me!

Two men (Bob and George) were out on a fishing boat and it sank offshore of a remote island that wasn't on any of the navigation charts...they were able to swim to shore so they were safe for the moment.

As the first day gave way to another day Bob began to get disturbed about their situation and began to complain, "Oh man, oh man, no one is ever going to find us! We're doomed!!"

George just sat there calmly and said nothing...which bothered Bob.

The next day Bob began to complain all the more, "What are we ever going to do, no one is ever going to find us!! We're going to die on this little island!!"

George just calmly sat there looking at the waves break on the shore...which again bothered Bob. This time Bob said, "How can you be so calm? Aren't you worried at all?"

George said, "Someone will find us," and continued to sit there calmly.

"What do you mean, 'someone will find us'? We're on an island that wasn't on the charts and we weren't able to send an SOS! We're going to die! Do you hear me? We're going to DIE!!"

To which George replied, "I make $500,000 a year, someone will find us, don't worry."

"Don't worry?! Are you crazy?! It doesn't matter how much money you make because you can't buy your way off this island! We're going to die! We're going to die!!" exclaimed Bob.

"Listen, as I said, I make $500,000 a year...and I tithe...my pastor WILL find me!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

No eggbeaters, just forks

I work in a restaurant where a lot of the customers are seniors and concerned about fat and cholesterol.
I was following a waitress trainee to the tables, when one woman asked if we served eggbeaters instead of regular eggs.

The trainee hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"We don't have eggbeaters, our cooks just use forks"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

No idiots this time?

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

No stinkin onions

Mrs. Finklestein was going to make her world famous spaghetti for company. She needed to get all her ingredients fresh, because that's how she always does it.

So, she goes to Mr. Goldberg's deli to get her stuff.

"Mr. Goldberg, you got any onions today?"

"Uh, no lady, I don't got no onions. Sorry."

"But, Mr. Goldberg, are you sure?"

"Look lady, if I had onions, I'd sell you onions. I don't got no onions."

"Allright, allright, you don't got no onions..."

(It helps to read this joke with a heavy Yiddish/Jewish accent...)

So, Mrs. Finklestien was paying for her stuff and she asks the checkout girl, "Hey, do you got any onions today?"

To which the girl replies: "Uh, I don't think we do; you want for me to check with Mr. Goldberg?"

"No, just forget about it...I gotta get my bus home."

Mrs. Finklestein pays, heads out to the bus stop and waits. The bus is late, but the produce truck is not. It pulls up and drops a load of produce off at Mr. Goldberg's deli. Mrs. Finklestein runs back in and finds Mr. Goldberg.

"Mr. Goldberg, you just got a delivery...you got onions for me now??"

"Look, lady, I don't got no onions."

"But are you sure???"

"Lady, let me put it to you this way...if you take the water out of watermelon, what do you get?"

Mrs. Finklestein thinks for a moment, and hesitatingly says: "..melon??"

"Right!! And if you take the canta out of cantaloupe, what do you get?"

"Loupe??"

"That's right!! And if you take the stink out of onions, what do you get?"

"Uh, Mr. Goldberg," she replies, "there's no stink in onions."

"That's right!! That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Norwegian Sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Norwegian sausage.
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Norwegian?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy responds, "Well, all right then, why the HECK did you ask me if I'm Norwegian just because I ask for Norwegian sausage?"

"Because this is a hardware store."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Not 3 different times

A man walks into the local pub and sits down next to a blonde. He asks her if he can tell a "blonde" joke.

To which she replied: "Before you tell the joke, you should know that I am 6'1", 175 lbs and a hand to hand combat instructor in the Marines.

See that blonde over there? She is 6'2", 185 lbs and a Judo instructor in the Army. And that blonde over there?

She is 6'3', 200 lbs and a 7th degree black belt instructor for the FBI. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The replied, "No, I don't want to have to tell it three different times!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Not Guilty?

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Old Country Preacher

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink... "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Partisan politics, or just funny?

COWS... Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens (I'm sorry - undocumented workers) wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION... They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart people, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS... The real reason that we cannot have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians… because it creates a hostile work environment!

And last but not least.... George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama bin Laden, too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

PC Repair Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that. in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out .. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Politically Correct Statements

Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."

You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from
"rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."

AND FOR STUDENTS...

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."

No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."

You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit
delayed."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically
declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure
prohibitive."

Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an
"out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive
athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative
building."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Quick witted supermarket clerk

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Reasons why English is hard to learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?