@Katia ,
I'm so sorry that life has not been kind and loving to you.
I feel.your confusion about the upheaval your life has become without good nurturing.
I'm speaking from the things I've read you've written.
Changing who we are outside doesn't calm the storm inside.
Sometimes things we do,we cannot come back from but God sees the heart.
You are searching for peace, I can see in the multiple religions you've studied or partnered with a desire to be found and validated.
Please note that we are created in the image of God and we are his only creation that is.
You will never have answers nor peace until you wholey accept God the Father,Jesus the Son and our Saviour and the Holy Spirit our comforter,teacher and guide!
Here at cc you will only find condemnation and judgment and I'm so sorry for that.
I think a true believer psychologist or counselor would cause you less stress.
Just as you are seeking he is seeking you also for he said I stand at the door and knock if any open I will come in.......
May you find that path to a place of peace and comfort with Jesus who is God!