Speak Your Mind.
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new healthcare
package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the potty mouths in Washington.
package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the potty mouths in Washington.
Cat medical advice for the blue lady bug:
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church. If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
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God Himself doesn't judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete: Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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Smiles are contagious: Infect as many people as you can.
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I don't know why some people change churches.
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
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Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
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God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone,
But prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
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Prayer advice:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message; the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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There is no greater treasure than a good friend!
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A far greater gift than any material item
is a memory that always brings a smile.
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy relied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy relied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother; he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Q: Where do the socks go when they vanish from the rest of your laundry on wash day?
A : A highly unstable aboriginal abberational transdimensional vortex develops in the cyclonic flux of the high temperature rotating electrostatic whirlpool that so often accompanies the dihydrogen oxide removal phase of the de-soilization of the apparel. This transdimensional vortex is especially powerful when enhanced by the static charge that surrounds certain synthetic materials, such as polyester.
Thus, if one stares closely through the glass on a laundromat dryer they may indeed observe certain small podiatric garments vanish from reality as we know it and arrive in another dimensional reality far beyond our ability to comprehend or perceive. That is the reason there is so little polyester left in society today.
Using this transdimensional vortex energy it is possible to travel to other realities. I have been there and back many times. One must cover themselves in polyester from head to toe and climb into a laundromat dryer while sucking on a nine volt battery. The battery helps amplify the charge so you can leave reality more quickly.
Elvis continues to wear too much polyester and that is why he has so much trouble staying in this reality.
Some people have been known to jump out of this reality just by wearing a polyester shirt while stroking a cat. This can be very dangerous, so I don't advise anyone to do it outside of a laboratory.
Or... the missing sock could be inside one of your clothes like the inside of your shirt or pants that is coming out of the dryer.
Or one of your little kids had stopped the dryer and restarted it after removing one sock to make a hand puppet out of it and hides it from you because she or he knows you would be mad or at the very least, take away the new handmade toy.
came across this researching another discussion, couldn't resist posting it here
'preterism' has been looked up 1282 times, is no one's favorite word yet, has been added to 3 lists, has 1 comment, and is not a valid Scrabble word.
https://www.wordnik.com/words/preterism
'preterism' has been looked up 1282 times, is no one's favorite word yet, has been added to 3 lists, has 1 comment, and is not a valid Scrabble word.
https://www.wordnik.com/words/preterism