If you do not fully understand you have no capacity to repent and recieve th spirit if God, how can you,
as as long as there is hope, I have faith God will keep you alive until you repent, not against your will but he will make sure you have the chance, he is a faithful God and is willing that non should perish for eternity. He will make sure you have that chanc as long as he knows you will and believe you me, he does, he knows everything you will do until the day you die, he knew it beforehand re you were born, he knew it before you were a sparkle in your mothers eyes, he knew it before he created the earth.
The fact remains,
1 if you do not think your sin (all of it) will keep you from heaven, you have not repented
2, if you do not think you are spiritually bankrupt to the point you have absolutely no hope, and no matter how good you become in the future, you will still be lost, you have not repented,
3, if you honk even after you pray, you have to add your work to he cross to maintain your salvation, you have not repented.
As jesus said, we must become spiritually bankrupt (poor in spirit) like the tax collector, in order to enter the kingdom of God. Otherwise, we will still rely on self, and have not depended fully on God.
It took me a few years to fully understand even though I prayed for months for God to save me, it takes some people longer, some people shorter. Some can go to church their whole lives and never understand, (although they have no excuse, they must be open)