I've been on the edge of death, within minutes of being beyond help, and I might be there soon again. We are waiting on tests to see if it's cancer, as we suspect. There have already been two positive tests and those are usually 100% sensitive. And once it starts showing, it has usually metastasized.
I do not want to die. I will feel disappointed if I don't get to 40. The pain hasn't served any purpose and the symptoms haven't made me stronger. If the doctors are correct, the survival rate is 2/3 at 5 years.
And yet, having faced death once and possibly twice now, I do not feel as though there is a god. I hear people talking rapturously about their relationship, but I think they are incorrect. I think they are scared and are willing to cling to something that promises them eternal life.
It's not because I want to be in charge. I feel like a man looking at the blue sky, being told that it is yellow, and that his refusal to acknowledge it means he thinks he is god.
You are wrong about this. I once realized that I would not wake up and all I felt was peace. There was nothing to do, nothing to fear. Peace, like all the things I worried about no longer mattered. No future, no more pain. No god either.