What Actually Makes A Good Family anyway?
- Thread starter Spiritwalker
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Great topic @Spiritwalker!
Since I'm adopted and don't know any biological relatives, I believe that family is what you make it. After all, the Bible says that God adopts us into His own family. It's an interesting thing though, as the majority of people I've talked to always say they would rather have "their own" children rather than adopt. Adoption is almost always seen as inferior.
I understand that. Biology is a gold star prize in our society. But I'm very thankful that my parents have always called me "their own" child, regardless of the fact that we don't a single strand of DNA.
Being single and getting older is scary, but I've met people from this site who are also single and I consider them family. Although we are all scattered, we have talked about someday living in the same area so that we can help each other out.
I feel incredibly blessed that throughout my life, God has given me the opportunity to both be adopted into other families, and to adopt others into my own.
Love and Sacrifice. In that order.
Once you decide to bring a child into the world, it should be because you ultimately want to love them and give them a better life than yours. So that brings the sacrifice. All the time that you used to spend with each-other to do fun stuff like go travel and have fun around the world, is now time that is dedicated for your child. And you do this because you love it because travel doesn't matter anymore. The old you is in the past and you're grateful for the time. What matters is your child who needs to be loved and needs time and attention.
Because the older generations where i come from they put sacrifice first and that turns into a mechanical and detached family.
For example the father brings the money and doesn't talk to the child on any emotional level from 1 year old until the end. I don't even know why you even have a child to begin with.
Family is what you make of it.
If you care about them, it is a good family because of you. If you don't care about them, it is a good family in spite of you. If nobody cares about anybody, it is not a family at all, just people who happen to be biologically related.
If you care about them, it is a good family because of you. If you don't care about them, it is a good family in spite of you. If nobody cares about anybody, it is not a family at all, just people who happen to be biologically related.
I don't really have much knowledge or understanding of what it feels like to b part of a family but I'm ok with that . Sometimes I am a bit lacking in appreciating how much it means to others so I have to b mindful of that . As a child I was strictly overparented for the first 7 years and then not patented at all . No full siblings and no children of my own . People often ask me if I feel as if I missed out on having children but I honestly don't , I'm genuinely fine with it . I do feel as if I missed out a lot on not being parented . As a consequence I only ever feel totally safe and relaxed when I'm by myself . Hubby understands this as he had his own problems with his family when he was a child . To b brutal , family means nothing but pain and fear and insecurity to me , I don't think I would have been a good mum 
.
It must b lovely to feel loved and accepted and safe and at ease with your blood relatives
I'm glad for everyone that has that , I have my hubby and we r made for each other I'm sure of that . God gives us all exactly what we need when we need it .
. It must b lovely to feel loved and accepted and safe and at ease with your blood relatives
I'm glad for everyone that has that , I have my hubby and we r made for each other I'm sure of that . God gives us all exactly what we need when we need it .
If you are happy simply because they are happy. Same thing for sad.
If one of them has something bad happen, like getting cancer, and it hurts you to your core. If somebody does them wrong and you get royally pissed off about it.
Basically, if what is going on in their lives matters to you.
Great topic @Spiritwalker!
Since I'm adopted and don't know any biological relatives, I believe that family is what you make it. After all, the Bible says that God adopts us into His own family. It's an interesting thing though, as the majority of people I've talked to always say they would rather have "their own" children rather than adopt. Adoption is almost always seen as inferior.
I understand that. Biology is a gold star prize in our society. But I'm very thankful that my parents have always called me "their own" child, regardless of the fact that we don't a single strand of DNA.
Being single and getting older is scary, but I've met people from this site who are also single and I consider them family. Although we are all scattered, we have talked about someday living in the same area so that we can help each other out.
I feel incredibly blessed that throughout my life, God has given me the opportunity to both be adopted into other families, and to adopt others into my own.
I don't know if I ever asked you, but have you ever been interested in your Korean background? I was born in the Philippines but my family emigrated to the States when I was 5 so my entire upbringing and education was here in the US.
When I went to the Philippines later on, i realized aome things my family did, mannerisms, etc. were very "Filipino" even though we no longer have that influence.
Did you ever have this happen to you? Have you visited South Korea and learn certain things you do are very "Korean" even though you didnt grow up there?
How about anyone else? Were you from another country that is unlike your current home and know thar you have mannerisms, etc. from the old country?
🕊
Thanks very much for asking about this.
It's funny -- these are things I haven't thought about in a long time, but lately several people have been asking me about it. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something.
Back when I was adopted, the thought that families might want to reunite was not thought of; records were not that closely kept; and from what I know, records were sketchy at best. Korea is very much into blood ties and, at least at that time, did not believe in single motherhood. It was a disgrace to the family. The best solution for babies conceived under problematic circumstances was to get rid of them and pretend it never happened. i knew a Korean woman, a little older than me, who was born without a father (he had been killed in the military.) This was seen as "bad luck," and her grandmother wanted to throw her in the river the minute she was born. All her life, she was called "the bad luck baby" -- and she was blamed by others for anything that went wrong. This is just the harsh reality of the culture.
The belief in pure blood ties is so strong that there have been times in Korea's history when adoption was illegal. Anyone who dared to adopt in Korea (which most would not,) would have to start all over in a new location and pass the child off as their own blood. No one wants to be around "bad blood", and this feeling is very much alive and well today. I know a Korean adoptee who was told by another traditional Asian that adoptees like us aren't fully human because we have no "roots."
I'm in this strange in-between place. I'll never be seen as fully American because of Koran biology, but Koreans would never accept me as being Korean. In my 20's, I wanted more than anything to know about my past and, at 18, paid what I felt was the enormous sum of $300 for my original files, but there was wasn't really anything in them I didn't already know. I was so disappointed, I shredded them out of hopelessness.
I knew I'd been found in a cardboard box, and my papers filled in the details that I was found n front of a theater, then I was taken to the police, who took me to the orphanage. It was guessed that I was 3 days old, and I arrived with 7 other babies and we were all given the family name of the orphanage director. (This is something most Koreans, fearing all that bad, unknown blood, would never do.) I say this not as sarcasm, but just as depressing fact. I then went to a foster family for 6 months, and there was one detail that stayed with me, "The foster father seems to love this baby very much." I will carry that to my grave.
There are no other records. And now that I'm older, I don't even know how much of that was true, as I've read that the "found in a box" story was given to many prospective adoptive parents as a bit of a fairytale that might gloss over less pretty details.
The Bible says there are rooms and mansions waiting for us in heaven. I've told Him many times, if He just has my original cardboard box waiting for me (if that story is true,) I'll be good. I used to ask God to give me dreams of what my parents looked like, but He never has.
I'm at an age now where I believe I'm better off knowing. Let's just say my father was a 30-year-old man who took advantage of a 14-year-old girl -- this means I would start out right off the bat hating my own father, and having to deal with that wound. And what if my very presence was a reminder to my mother of the worst trauma she had ever been through in her life? I couldn't live with that kind of grief, if my very existence was causing my own mother unspeakable pain.
Now of course, I can't know the exact reason until I get to heaven, and people point that out to me. But I personally think adoptee reunions are often glamorized (everyone wants to believe they're the next Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker, finding out they have some secret magical pedigree.) But I always point out, it's usually NOT happy, married, stable couples or secret prestigious families that are abandoning/giving away babies. There is almost always some sort of dysfunction behind it.
I've heard of amazing reunion stories that made my heart cry with envy. And then I've heard devastating ones, such as of a girl I know who found her mother but just missed meeting her father, as he had died 6 months before. I don't know how I would live with something like that. I would always blame myself for not looking sooner. And I don't know the specifics -- I think she had more to go on in her history than what I have and that's why she found them.
I've also read gut-wrenching stories of birth families refusing to speak to adoptees once they were found. They were abandoned for a reason, and the family does not want to look back. I think that's what everyone has to consider and pray about when considering that situation. They think they're doing what's right, but they might be re-opening or creating new wounds, for both themselves and their biological families, that maybe God does not want them to have.
When King Saul fell away from God, the Bible says that Samuel the prophet wept over him regularly until God finally told him, "How long are you going to keep crying over this guy? Pick up your horn and get it ready for anointing, because I've chosen a king for myself among Jesse's sons." And so, Samuel picked up and went where God led him.
I feel I'm at a similar point in my own journey. My username "Seoulsearch," has always been a reflection of trying to find out who I am (Seoul was the city I was found in and is my "origin story,") and I know part of my calling is to help others find who they are in Christ as well. I still have my own pains and longings -- but God basically tells me to stop crying over the past, and keep going where He's leading me.
Thank you so much for sharing about you and your family!! Do you "feel" Filipino"?
Since I grew up around all whites, I "feel" very white. When I was a kid, I never remembered I was Asian until someone reminded me. I remember a little girl in church who kept turning around to stare, and eventually "slanted" her eyes at me. Boy, my Mom was surely having some very unholy thoughts about that in church!
The next time that little girl did it again, my Mom gave her a LOOK like she was going to hop over the pew and choke her! 
That girl STILL kept looking back and staring at me, but you could tell she was DEATHLY scared of my 95-pound mother. People like me are called "bananas" -- white on the inside, but "yellow" on the outside (gee, how flattering.) I have met others like me who feel the exact opposite -- extremely Asian and not so much white or the culture they grew up with.
I always say I'm just a generic white kid whom God decided to put in a Korean suit.
Thank you again for bringing this up @2ndTimeIsTheCharm, and may God bless you!
Thanks very much for asking about this.
It's funny -- these are things I haven't thought about in a long time, but lately several people have been asking me about it. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something.
Back when I was adopted, the thought that families might want to reunite was not thought of; records were not that closely kept; and from what I know, records were sketchy at best. Korea is very much into blood ties and, at least at that time, did not believe in single motherhood. It was a disgrace to the family. The best solution for babies conceived under problematic circumstances was to get rid of them and pretend it never happened. i knew a Korean woman, a little older than me, who was born without a father (he had been killed in the military.) This was seen as "bad luck," and her grandmother wanted to throw her in the river the minute she was born. All her life, she was called "the bad luck baby" -- and she was blamed by others for anything that went wrong. This is just the harsh reality of the culture.
The belief in pure blood ties is so strong that there have been times in Korea's history when adoption was illegal. Anyone who dared to adopt in Korea (which most would not,) would have to start all over in a new location and pass the child off as their own blood. No one wants to be around "bad blood", and this feeling is very much alive and well today. I know a Korean adoptee who was told by another traditional Asian that adoptees like us aren't fully human because we have no "roots."
I'm in this strange in-between place. I'll never be seen as fully American because of Koran biology, but Koreans would never accept me as being Korean. In my 20's, I wanted more than anything to know about my past and, at 18, paid what I felt was the enormous sum of $300 for my original files, but there was wasn't really anything in them I didn't already know. I was so disappointed, I shredded them out of hopelessness.
I knew I'd been found in a cardboard box, and my papers filled in the details that I was found n front of a theater, then I was taken to the police, who took me to the orphanage. It was guessed that I was 3 days old, and I arrived with 7 other babies and we were all given the family name of the orphanage director. (This is something most Koreans, fearing all that bad, unknown blood, would never do.) I say this not as sarcasm, but just as depressing fact. I then went to a foster family for 6 months, and there was one detail that stayed with me, "The foster father seems to love this baby very much." I will carry that to my grave.
There are no other records. And now that I'm older, I don't even know how much of that was true, as I've read that the "found in a box" story was given to many prospective adoptive parents as a bit of a fairytale that might gloss over less pretty details.
The Bible says there are rooms and mansions waiting for us in heaven. I've told Him many times, if He just has my original cardboard box waiting for me (if that story is true,) I'll be good. I used to ask God to give me dreams of what my parents looked like, but He never has.
I'm at an age now where I believe I'm better off knowing. Let's just say my father was a 30-year-old man who took advantage of a 14-year-old girl -- this means I would start out right off the bat hating my own father, and having to deal with that wound. And what if my very presence was a reminder to my mother of the worst trauma she had ever been through in her life? I couldn't live with that kind of grief, if my very existence was causing my own mother unspeakable pain.
Now of course, I can't know the exact reason until I get to heaven, and people point that out to me. But I personally think adoptee reunions are often glamorized (everyone wants to believe they're the next Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker, finding out they have some secret magical pedigree.) But I always point out, it's usually NOT happy, married, stable couples or secret prestigious families that are abandoning/giving away babies. There is almost always some sort of dysfunction behind it.
I've heard of amazing reunion stories that made my heart cry with envy. And then I've heard devastating ones, such as of a girl I know who found her mother but just missed meeting her father, as he had died 6 months before. I don't know how I would live with something like that. I would always blame myself for not looking sooner. And I don't know the specifics -- I think she had more to go on in her history than what I have and that's why she found them.
I've also read gut-wrenching stories of birth families refusing to speak to adoptees once they were found. They were abandoned for a reason, and the family does not want to look back. I think that's what everyone has to consider and pray about when considering that situation. They think they're doing what's right, but they might be re-opening or creating new wounds, for both themselves and their biological families, that maybe God does not want them to have.
When King Saul fell away from God, the Bible says that Samuel the prophet wept over him regularly until God finally told him, "How long are you going to keep crying over this guy? Pick up your horn and get it ready for anointing, because I've chosen a king for myself among Jesse's sons." And so, Samuel picked up and went where God led him.
I feel I'm at a similar point in my own journey. My username "Seoulsearch," has always been a reflection of trying to find out who I am (Seoul was the city I was found in and is my "origin story,") and I know part of my calling is to help others find who they are in Christ as well. I still have my own pains and longings -- but God basically tells me to stop crying over the past, and keep going where He's leading me.
Thank you so much for sharing about you and your family!! Do you "feel" Filipino"?
Since I grew up around all whites, I "feel" very white. When I was a kid, I never remembered I was Asian until someone reminded me. I remember a little girl in church who kept turning around to stare, and eventually "slanted" her eyes at me. Boy, my Mom was surely having some very unholy thoughts about that in church!
People like me are called "bananas" -- white on the inside, but "yellow" on the outside (gee, how flattering.) I have met others like me who feel the exact opposite -- extremely Asian and not so much white or the culture they grew up with.
I always say I'm just a generic white kid whom God decided to put in a Korean suit.
Thank you again for bringing this up @2ndTimeIsTheCharm, and may God bless you!
You write well and love to write - I bet one or both of your parents are writers!
He! - a daring adventurous journalist hob-nobbing with the world! She! - a world famous novelist with multi-award winning works of fiction!
Maybe they met on assignment for their respective newspaper or publisher and fell in love with other.
But fate was against them for they loved their careers too much. They placed baby-you in the box that held her first shipment of her first award- winning novel, placed in a heap of his award winning articles.
Together they left you in front of the library were they first met. With tears in their eyes each gave you a heart-felt hug and then parted each other with a loving kiss....
Since you don't know, you can imagine your biological parents to be anything wonderful!
How about you? Do you have a story about you and where you came from? Do you feel a connection to the old country now that you didn't have before?
🕊
All I know is... I got four bananas just last night. 
Ain't nothing wrong with bananas.
Ain't nothing wrong with bananas.
I thought you knew this about me but yes I was born in Albania and I moved to US when I was about 19 years old.
Because I moved at this age, I was already formed and shaped mentally as an individual by my birth country.
Usually the younger you move, the less you notice.
As I have mentioned, I experienced a culture shock in the society and in the churches.
Everything is different. But within 2-3 years I got used to it and learned the ways.
This is my home now and I’m grateful but you can take the Albanian out of Albania but you can’t take the Albanian out the Albania.
Cultural customs that follow me, are basically most stereotypes that you have seen on movies about Italian families.
I laugh a lot with many stereotypes in movies or standup comedians because there’s always some truth to it and I don’t get offended because I’m not a liberal.
When I visit Albania , I always enjoy all the nice things the country has to offer and I leave them with all their problems after my visit is over and come home.
I don’t have too much of a desire to go frequently because first I came here as a grown teen not a child which means that I don’t have a curiosity about the culture and secondly home is where the economy is which makes US the best.
I think you have the best scenario because you KNOW what influences Albania had on you. I left the Philippines when I was 5 and had to go back later on to discover what about me was "Filipino".
Did you get saved in the US? I think that was one of the reasons God had my family emigrate. My Mom wanted to emigrate when she was single, but my father came along and dazzled her, so she put it off to marry him and give him children!
🕊
In your case it may be good to visit and explore the country for a few months. I have a friend at work who’s from Malaysia who’s trying to do this same thing and he came to US as a little boy.
And yes I don’t have a lot of curiosity about the culture in the Mediterranean region because I know where the mentality of people is at. I know where the rednecks are, I know where the civilized people are, I know where the bad actors are and I know where all the beautiful things are.
As far as Salvation it’s best to leave that alone, I don’t debate that much since I’ve been here because goes back to those cultural differences.
I respect all the views and I consider us all children of God who are trying to please Him in our ways.
God bless and thank you for asking these questions.
This was beautiful, @2ndTimeIsTheCharm. You are a much better writer than I am.
I miss the old "bookmark" function that the forum had, but I took screenshots of your posts to save in my permanent files.
Thank you for taking the time to write such touching and romantic story.
This was fascinating to read, @Eli1!
Thank you very much for sharing.
And thank you for mentioning your positive views of the economy in the USA.
We have our problems for sure, but most of us haven't had the honor to truly absorb other cultures and economies, so I appreciate the reminder that despite all the unrest, we still have a lot to be thankful for.
I have watched families my whole life...
Because somewhere along the way I noticed that mine was atypical. And I wanted to try and figure out what "normal" or "average" family life was supposed to be like.
And I still haven't figured out the answer. I know the ideal....it's shown everywhere and assumed by all the sitcoms out there. From Happy Days to Waltons and Little House on the Prarie....normal families mostly. Even Courtship of Eddie's Father for somewhat atypical families.
And I still noticed a difference.
I watched and listened to grandparents....all 3 sets. My family is still different. Then friends from school and church. Still different. Even in college....classmates were different.
I heard a rumor about a functional family without disfunction in Arkansas or Oklahoma somewhere.
EVERY family has some sort of disfunction of some sort. EVERY family has some sort of behaviors or customary expectations that can be construed as abusive. From neglect, permissiveness, control, discipline, degradation, lack of providing, appropriation of resources, and etc.
Knowledge about ACORNs is becoming more known about with the proliferation of Reddit threads. (Adult Children of Real Narcissists. ) And it seems that there's a "golden child" and at least one "sub-par child" in these homes. Then the blended family homes where this happens more often than not.
Parents trying to live vicariously through their children happens often. Powdered butt syndrome is also alive and well in the USA. (Because your parent powdered your butt they can do anything you can do only better)
Prime Example is my Father somehow is under the illusion that because his child is a formally trained, 4 star chef he taught me all I know in the kitchen and can do it better. Bless his heart....he is 88 Y.O. and reality keeps crashing into his delusion. (The discounting of my skills is unpleasant) But he believes he has mastered his loaf of bread. (I haven't checked it out in a while....) And my signature apple ginger pork roulade with caramel sauce he can pull off just as well as me. Yeah.....he hasn't tried. Then came the day he offered investment advice and regurgitated the exact same words I told him when he lost a third of his retirement portfolio after the dot.com bust....and then held his hand as he found new investments to buy....and then was so gleeful after they all made him a bunch of money (which my mom then spent but offered him new advice of investments which he had already determined were absolute losers).
So....surprise surprise....
Nobody is all that special/disadvantaged/abused except for golden children of Narcissists....because they are God's special little snowflakes...obviously. They do tend to throw up their hands a bit more easily when reality crashes into their delusions of grandeur.
EVERY parent believes they are going to do better than their parents in some fashion....but end up doing worse. (Sin begets even more sin....one of the first lessons of Genesis)
So....no advice from me.
One last word.
"Honor you father and mother" is a commandment in reference to Abraham and Sarah (friends of God). Not your birth or direct parents.
Because somewhere along the way I noticed that mine was atypical. And I wanted to try and figure out what "normal" or "average" family life was supposed to be like.
And I still haven't figured out the answer. I know the ideal....it's shown everywhere and assumed by all the sitcoms out there. From Happy Days to Waltons and Little House on the Prarie....normal families mostly. Even Courtship of Eddie's Father for somewhat atypical families.
And I still noticed a difference.
I watched and listened to grandparents....all 3 sets. My family is still different. Then friends from school and church. Still different. Even in college....classmates were different.
I heard a rumor about a functional family without disfunction in Arkansas or Oklahoma somewhere.
EVERY family has some sort of disfunction of some sort. EVERY family has some sort of behaviors or customary expectations that can be construed as abusive. From neglect, permissiveness, control, discipline, degradation, lack of providing, appropriation of resources, and etc.
Knowledge about ACORNs is becoming more known about with the proliferation of Reddit threads. (Adult Children of Real Narcissists. ) And it seems that there's a "golden child" and at least one "sub-par child" in these homes. Then the blended family homes where this happens more often than not.
Parents trying to live vicariously through their children happens often. Powdered butt syndrome is also alive and well in the USA. (Because your parent powdered your butt they can do anything you can do only better)
Prime Example is my Father somehow is under the illusion that because his child is a formally trained, 4 star chef he taught me all I know in the kitchen and can do it better. Bless his heart....he is 88 Y.O. and reality keeps crashing into his delusion. (The discounting of my skills is unpleasant) But he believes he has mastered his loaf of bread. (I haven't checked it out in a while....) And my signature apple ginger pork roulade with caramel sauce he can pull off just as well as me. Yeah.....he hasn't tried. Then came the day he offered investment advice and regurgitated the exact same words I told him when he lost a third of his retirement portfolio after the dot.com bust....and then held his hand as he found new investments to buy....and then was so gleeful after they all made him a bunch of money (which my mom then spent but offered him new advice of investments which he had already determined were absolute losers).
So....surprise surprise....
Nobody is all that special/disadvantaged/abused except for golden children of Narcissists....because they are God's special little snowflakes...obviously. They do tend to throw up their hands a bit more easily when reality crashes into their delusions of grandeur.
EVERY parent believes they are going to do better than their parents in some fashion....but end up doing worse. (Sin begets even more sin....one of the first lessons of Genesis)
So....no advice from me.
One last word.
"Honor you father and mother" is a commandment in reference to Abraham and Sarah (friends of God). Not your birth or direct parents.
This was a fascinating albeit, heart-wrenching read. I could definitely relate to some of the things in this account.
Thank you very much for sharing!