Hi all. I don't really care anymore. The days seem to blur into a nothingness of meaning. No help or support, gueswork of what to do without being a commanding dictator in someone elses church (not very christian so cant do that). I have no hope anymore. I mean I don't really care for anything or anyone because no one listens anyway and I tried. I am a failure as a christian. I know it. I was not raised as one. I dont have a family of help or a community only a nearly dead church of nice people who are a bit like sheep except for their jobs/ kids/ "own rewards" etc. They are smart and know a lot, yet they should be after decades of study. Me, i'm a loser. At home, alone, barely able to make effort for one chapter a day of bible meditation/study. If that. My christian efforts have dwindled and God seems to be not caring about any of this as if it is his last concern. As if I am to be empty in cares and efforts. With no concern myself. Like a bhudhist monk or monastic monk, without thought at all. A real dumb sheep. it makes me angry yet i dont have the effort or will to even be really angry. Anger has no result of meaning. It is all "vanity". How can I even care or bother anymore. I dont know why a loser like me should read a bible if i stay useless and a loser with no-one listening anyway.
A prayer of whatever is best for this issue please. Thanks. I still feel too resistant and bitter after I did not get delivery and ended up backsliding during Convid l*ckdowns in 2019/2021 etc. I simply dont care and feel bitter due to the lack of delivery from God 2 years too late (for me). I needed help and did not recieve it until it was 2 years past. Then the damage mentally and emotionally was done. What does a loser like me even do. I',m getting older and i am worse off now than when I started over 10+ years ago. No-one is of help. There has been no benefit except when I die (heaven, whatever that is?).
A prayer of whatever is best for this issue please. Thanks. I still feel too resistant and bitter after I did not get delivery and ended up backsliding during Convid l*ckdowns in 2019/2021 etc. I simply dont care and feel bitter due to the lack of delivery from God 2 years too late (for me). I needed help and did not recieve it until it was 2 years past. Then the damage mentally and emotionally was done. What does a loser like me even do. I',m getting older and i am worse off now than when I started over 10+ years ago. No-one is of help. There has been no benefit except when I die (heaven, whatever that is?).
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