7 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.
Let me set the Story. 14 years ago, I'm in my early 20's. 21/22 yrs old. (My birthday is today! Jan. 16th 36 years old) At that time, I have a "general" belief in Jesus and God, but not deep enough to search him or read the bible. Just a empty faith. My babysitter when I was a toddler, took me to church. I attended Awana's as a pre-teen/young boy. And in high school I attended a church with a girl, because I had a crush on her and her parents invited me to start going to church with them. Those parents even set up a "fellowship group", that got us high schoolers together at hangout spot. It had good Christian intentions, and at times there was Christian messages at the group, but it was mostly a hangout spot for kids supervised by parents. Then after high school, I attended an Apostolic Church for a year with my dad. So I was predisposed to the Lord, but I was young and my heart wasn't committed/fully invested. I believed, but I lacked "Depth".
In the college school year of 2011-2012 I start dating a Girl named Rachel. While dating, I have a vision. This vision I forget about until about 6-8 months later when I have my 2nd experience that unlocks the memory of this vision. So its like a flashback memory. But the memory came to me so vividly, that I remember details about this vision, as if I lived it and actually experienced it.
So the first experience/vision.....I visited my father one weekend from college. While staying at his house overnight, I get up to use the bathroom. When i finish and pass my dad in the living room. (He slept on the couch), he was awake and told me to sit next to him. He then explained to me he wasn't my father, but he was really Gabriel. He placed his hand on my forehead. Immediately air rushed into my lungs and i sneezed with my mouth. At the same time, I felt the sensation of warm water being poured over me. I was then pulled out of my body into a separate "realm" that was above. This realm was pure black. Out of the blackness a Silvery/Blue face appears, and says "Thomas, I swear by my great name you are mine". He then asks me several times what I want, and I keep changing my answer. First it was to "live lives", then it was "for my mothers healing", then it was "just to be happy", then it was "to get out of the military", then finally I answered "I wanted to marry Rachel". I was sent off to bed, and as I laid in bed I heard a voice say to me, "My dad was going to die".....so I pleaded with the voice and said "Give my dad, mercy" (meaning his soul). [side note, 14 years later. he is still alive (but his life collapsed around him and changed majorly and he is doing really good now)] I fell asleep and forgot about this vision until my 2nd experience happened. I place this vision happening just before the Holiday Season 2011. I interpret this as a baptism of water and spirit.
3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. 4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? 5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. 8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
Fast forward to Summer break. Rachel and I had broken up at the end of the school year, and i wasn't dealing with my emotions properly. I buried them, refusing to think about the pain and heartbreak. I started a job as a flagger for the oil and gas industry and we had plenty of downtime. Enough downtime where I had hours and hours to just sit and think. During this time my thoughts began to wander towards God, and missing not having a girlfriend. So I decide to pick up the Bible and read it at work. I read the Bible from cover to cover in 3 months for the first time on my own. During the timeframe I was power-reading the bible for the first time. I was sitting with a group of friends hanging out one day. When all of a sudden, i have the thought that God himself is going to smite me dead on the spot. This feelings of utter terror washes over me, and I am paralyzed with fear. The only thing I can do, is start crying loudly in front of everybody (seemingly random to everybody) and start praying in Glossolalia. (something I learned to do by only hearing my Dad do it once, Apostolics do it). While crying and praying in tongues in front of my friends, I felt the feeling and emotion of terror wash away from me, to be replaced with the feeling of Peace and Comfort and Reassurance. As I felt this way, my mind took control of itself. Thoughts were planted into my brain forcefully, and at the same time I heard a voice accompany them. This voice wasn't a whisper. It was loud and audible to me. The thoughts and the voice said "Thomas, You are the lonely sparrow, but I have given you wings, oh what mighty wings they are, spread them and fly." The feeling and voice disappeared and my mind relaxed, and I was left with my friends staring at me wondering what just happened.
Today, I equate this experience with Solomon's verse "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom". …9Instruct a wise man, and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 11For through wisdom your days will be multiplied, and years will be added to your life.…
About another 4-5 months after the "Fear of the Lord Experience". I am reskimming the New Testament. I come across this verse where Jesus commands the Rich man to give away all his possessions and follow him. I took this seriously. Seriously enough to get a hold of a local church and give all my possessions away. ALL MY CLOTHES. I gave away all my electronics. EVERYTHING, but my vehicle, which was owned by my dad. I even called my boss and quit my easy flagging job. I literally owned nothing but my Dad's vehicle, my bed, my pillow, my blanket, the clothes on my back, and the socks and shoes on my feet. I still had a little bit of money in my bank account, not much. Less than a few hundred dollars, but if I had thought about it at the time, I probably would've emptied my bank account too, but that thought didn't cross my mind. At the time, I believed I was taking a leap of faith that God would provide for me. …
20“All these I have kept,” said the young man. “What do I still lack?” 21 Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.” 22When the young man heard this, he went away in sorrow, because he had great wealth.…
My Dad catching wind of this, takes me to the hospital. I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective-Bipolar Type 2. Schizophrenia runs on my mothers side of the family. My grandmother had it, and my mother had it so bad, my parents were forced to divorce when i was age 3 for my safety concerns as a child. I interpret this moment of my life as "denying myself, and taking up my cross (schizophrenia).
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
I feel as if I "lost my life" for his sake, when the oath was given to me "I swear by my great name you are mine". Because in the following year that followed that oath, i lost my position at ROTC in college, lost my girlfriend, dropped out of college, kicked out of the National Guard, lost my ambition and then I gave away everything i had to a church, and diagnosed with a mental illness that ran in the family. I effectively "lost" my current life. Now it has been around 14 years since those 3 experiences. A major reason why I chose to seek god during my time as a flagger, was to address my loneliness and the emptiness I felt over the breakup with Rachel. While dating Rachel, instead of the pet names "baby" or "sweetheart". I choose the name "Sunshine" to call Rachel. And I used that name pretty much exclusively, and for her only. Even years later, when I dated other girls. I always reserved that name for her. Even though the emptiness and pain didn't completely go away after we broke up, I attempted to move on and date other girls. But as time and the years passed, i kept finding that I still loved Rachel. And over these past 14 years, I have never stopped wrestling with Theology and my internal Thoughts and feelings to seek and find God. I settled into this "wrestling mindset" and even saw myself as a Biblical Jacob Archetype (once I realized the love for Rachel would never go away), wrestling with God.
Let me set the Story. 14 years ago, I'm in my early 20's. 21/22 yrs old. (My birthday is today! Jan. 16th 36 years old) At that time, I have a "general" belief in Jesus and God, but not deep enough to search him or read the bible. Just a empty faith. My babysitter when I was a toddler, took me to church. I attended Awana's as a pre-teen/young boy. And in high school I attended a church with a girl, because I had a crush on her and her parents invited me to start going to church with them. Those parents even set up a "fellowship group", that got us high schoolers together at hangout spot. It had good Christian intentions, and at times there was Christian messages at the group, but it was mostly a hangout spot for kids supervised by parents. Then after high school, I attended an Apostolic Church for a year with my dad. So I was predisposed to the Lord, but I was young and my heart wasn't committed/fully invested. I believed, but I lacked "Depth".
In the college school year of 2011-2012 I start dating a Girl named Rachel. While dating, I have a vision. This vision I forget about until about 6-8 months later when I have my 2nd experience that unlocks the memory of this vision. So its like a flashback memory. But the memory came to me so vividly, that I remember details about this vision, as if I lived it and actually experienced it.
So the first experience/vision.....I visited my father one weekend from college. While staying at his house overnight, I get up to use the bathroom. When i finish and pass my dad in the living room. (He slept on the couch), he was awake and told me to sit next to him. He then explained to me he wasn't my father, but he was really Gabriel. He placed his hand on my forehead. Immediately air rushed into my lungs and i sneezed with my mouth. At the same time, I felt the sensation of warm water being poured over me. I was then pulled out of my body into a separate "realm" that was above. This realm was pure black. Out of the blackness a Silvery/Blue face appears, and says "Thomas, I swear by my great name you are mine". He then asks me several times what I want, and I keep changing my answer. First it was to "live lives", then it was "for my mothers healing", then it was "just to be happy", then it was "to get out of the military", then finally I answered "I wanted to marry Rachel". I was sent off to bed, and as I laid in bed I heard a voice say to me, "My dad was going to die".....so I pleaded with the voice and said "Give my dad, mercy" (meaning his soul). [side note, 14 years later. he is still alive (but his life collapsed around him and changed majorly and he is doing really good now)] I fell asleep and forgot about this vision until my 2nd experience happened. I place this vision happening just before the Holiday Season 2011. I interpret this as a baptism of water and spirit.
3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. 4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? 5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. 8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
Fast forward to Summer break. Rachel and I had broken up at the end of the school year, and i wasn't dealing with my emotions properly. I buried them, refusing to think about the pain and heartbreak. I started a job as a flagger for the oil and gas industry and we had plenty of downtime. Enough downtime where I had hours and hours to just sit and think. During this time my thoughts began to wander towards God, and missing not having a girlfriend. So I decide to pick up the Bible and read it at work. I read the Bible from cover to cover in 3 months for the first time on my own. During the timeframe I was power-reading the bible for the first time. I was sitting with a group of friends hanging out one day. When all of a sudden, i have the thought that God himself is going to smite me dead on the spot. This feelings of utter terror washes over me, and I am paralyzed with fear. The only thing I can do, is start crying loudly in front of everybody (seemingly random to everybody) and start praying in Glossolalia. (something I learned to do by only hearing my Dad do it once, Apostolics do it). While crying and praying in tongues in front of my friends, I felt the feeling and emotion of terror wash away from me, to be replaced with the feeling of Peace and Comfort and Reassurance. As I felt this way, my mind took control of itself. Thoughts were planted into my brain forcefully, and at the same time I heard a voice accompany them. This voice wasn't a whisper. It was loud and audible to me. The thoughts and the voice said "Thomas, You are the lonely sparrow, but I have given you wings, oh what mighty wings they are, spread them and fly." The feeling and voice disappeared and my mind relaxed, and I was left with my friends staring at me wondering what just happened.
Today, I equate this experience with Solomon's verse "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom". …9Instruct a wise man, and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. 11For through wisdom your days will be multiplied, and years will be added to your life.…
About another 4-5 months after the "Fear of the Lord Experience". I am reskimming the New Testament. I come across this verse where Jesus commands the Rich man to give away all his possessions and follow him. I took this seriously. Seriously enough to get a hold of a local church and give all my possessions away. ALL MY CLOTHES. I gave away all my electronics. EVERYTHING, but my vehicle, which was owned by my dad. I even called my boss and quit my easy flagging job. I literally owned nothing but my Dad's vehicle, my bed, my pillow, my blanket, the clothes on my back, and the socks and shoes on my feet. I still had a little bit of money in my bank account, not much. Less than a few hundred dollars, but if I had thought about it at the time, I probably would've emptied my bank account too, but that thought didn't cross my mind. At the time, I believed I was taking a leap of faith that God would provide for me. …
20“All these I have kept,” said the young man. “What do I still lack?” 21 Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me.” 22When the young man heard this, he went away in sorrow, because he had great wealth.…
My Dad catching wind of this, takes me to the hospital. I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective-Bipolar Type 2. Schizophrenia runs on my mothers side of the family. My grandmother had it, and my mother had it so bad, my parents were forced to divorce when i was age 3 for my safety concerns as a child. I interpret this moment of my life as "denying myself, and taking up my cross (schizophrenia).
24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
I feel as if I "lost my life" for his sake, when the oath was given to me "I swear by my great name you are mine". Because in the following year that followed that oath, i lost my position at ROTC in college, lost my girlfriend, dropped out of college, kicked out of the National Guard, lost my ambition and then I gave away everything i had to a church, and diagnosed with a mental illness that ran in the family. I effectively "lost" my current life. Now it has been around 14 years since those 3 experiences. A major reason why I chose to seek god during my time as a flagger, was to address my loneliness and the emptiness I felt over the breakup with Rachel. While dating Rachel, instead of the pet names "baby" or "sweetheart". I choose the name "Sunshine" to call Rachel. And I used that name pretty much exclusively, and for her only. Even years later, when I dated other girls. I always reserved that name for her. Even though the emptiness and pain didn't completely go away after we broke up, I attempted to move on and date other girls. But as time and the years passed, i kept finding that I still loved Rachel. And over these past 14 years, I have never stopped wrestling with Theology and my internal Thoughts and feelings to seek and find God. I settled into this "wrestling mindset" and even saw myself as a Biblical Jacob Archetype (once I realized the love for Rachel would never go away), wrestling with God.
