Have any of you fallen victim to your spouse being unfaithful? If so, how did you handle it?

[Carlyw]

My husband has been unfaithful, im upset to say the least.

I figure I have forgiven him, as im not angry. Though I still lack trust for him as there has been very little remorse shown. I can imagine my response is reasonable.

How have you guys handled marital unfaithfulness?

I plan to stay, and I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be every day. I have seen evidence of further attempts of unfaithfullness, which have been dismissed despite the evidence. It greatly grieves me but if Hosea could do it, maybe I can too. I know I am able to divorce, but it is not in my nature to give up on those I love. And though very painful theres many things I am learning about myself and my husband. I figure allthough her situation is unfavorable, and difficult, there are hidden gems stored within my marriage. I have hope.

I am not looking for counsel here, but I do want to hear from people if possible!

I would also be open to hearing from those who have been unfaithful themselves, theres no shame for the repentant. We all make mistakes.

I know this topic can be rough, please let's all be kind and generous and graceful towrds one another, with a merciful spirit

 

[tourist]

I have never been unfaithful and by the grace of God, never will. Never even think about such a horrible thing.

Cheating on your spouse is the worst thing that you can do. It destroys marital trust that can never be restored. Causes unbearable pain and anquish. Destroys both the family and ultimately erodes and destroys the family.

I would advise anyone that has been cheated on by their spouse to seek a competent divorce attorney, break free, and move forward with their lives.

 

[tourist]

I plan to stay, and I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be every day. I have seen evidence of further attempts of unfaithfullness, which have been dismissed despite the evidence. It greatly grieves me but if Hosea could do it, maybe I can too.

Hosea did what he did because he was commanded by God to do it so that prophecy could be illuminated and fulfilled. You are under no biblical constraint to stay in such a marriage.

Trust in the foundation of a marriage and without that, there is no basis on which to build upon.

I feel bad for you and pray that God provides wisdom on how to proceed, the courage to pick up the pieces, and the strength to move forward in a positive spiritual direction.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

My wife was unfaithful and remains unrepentant. When she quoted the harlot in proverbs: "I have done no wrong", I decided I wouldn't divorce but I would only continue to provide for her, roof, clothing, food. She remains unrepentant over a decade later. The covenant is broken between us. I remain kind to her but owe her nothing. If I couldn't forgive her, I couldn't continue to live with her.

@Carlyw, I hope and pray that your husband comes to repentance and the two of you can overcome this and enjoy a wonderful life together.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi @Carlyw,

Welcome to CC! It's great to see you jumping right in, participating in the forums, and starting your own threads!! I hope you'll continue to do so.

I'll try to condense my story and I apologize to all the long-timers here who've read it time and time again. Like you, I married young. We had a lot of rough patches from the start, but you know how, being a lifelong Christian, you believe God is going to work things out. All you have to do is be good enough, pray hard enough, read your Bible enough, and serve your husband and others enough. Right?

Fast forward to the part that will pertain to your thread -- I came home from what I thought was a normal day at work one day, and found half the house gone. He had moved out without telling me. We had a brief reconciliation after about a month, but then he moved to living on the other side of the house and running a completely separate life without me. He told me he was just saving up money to be able to leave.

Many months after he left the final time, I got papers in the mail that said, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce."

Like you, I thought of Hosea. And I was raised in church all my life. Surely God wanted me to fight for my marriage, because He hates divorce! I had a right to contest. But I believed God was telling me clearly, "Sign the papers and let him go." I did, but everything in me was fighting it. I was sure he was going to change his mind -- eventually. Even as the divorce was proceeding and going through, I was sure God was going to turn things around.

Even when we had our court date and he told the judge he couldn't talk to me anymore (I'm adopted, so I felt like not only had my birth parents thrown me away, but now my husband was throwing me away as well,) I BELIEVED. God can do miracles! God can raise the dead, no matter how dead it is!!

But there was no miracle, and there was no resurrection. And my then-husband wouldn't give me a reason.

The "wonderful" Christian people at church said I had no Biblical reason for divorce, and that I could never remarry again. And yet somehow I was supposed to praise God that here I was, 25, and never allowed to marry again. What a joyous Christian walk!!! I often contemplated suicide, as I saw absolutely no hope.

I had moved away from the area to pursue a full-time job, and a friend of mine, still in the area where we lived, called me months later -- time is a huge blur now, but I think it was 6 or 8 months after the divorce? It was something like 2 AM, and she said, "Hey, I have news you need to hear."

My ex had had a girlfriend -- that's why he left, but had kept it all hidden -- and now they had finally made their relationship public. She was someone we worked with. The last time I spoke to him ever in this life, he wanted me to take something he'd been storing in our shed outside for him to retrieve -- but I was not to be there, and he did not want to see or speak to me. My friend found out this item belonged to his girlfriend, and that's the only reason he called to get it back.

I have heard through the grapevine that he remarried and has a family. But I don't go looking for him or anything about him, and anyone who had ties to him drifted out of my life years ago. I have no idea what he's up to. And I told a friend, "I hate the nature of this world, that someone can go from being your spouse one day, to literally a stranger lost in the abyss the next."

Something very important I learned is that even though the good Christian people were judging me from what they could see on the outside, God knew what was really happening -- and that he had his heart set on this girl, and would not change his mind.

Other "helpful" Christians started to "prophesy" over me -- one told me I'd get remarried in 2 years; another told me I'd have 4 kids by a certain age. None of which came true. I was left wondering if demons were speaking to me from every side, and I have been very apprehensive regarding judgments or "prophecies" I hear from outsiders ever since.

The "ending," or at least, ongoing story of the saga isn't anything any single person would want to hear -- but to keep this from getting too long, I'm going to write the next part in another post.

 

[Karlon]

My husband has been unfaithful, im upset to say the least.

I figure I have forgiven him, as im not angry. Though I still lack trust for him as there has been very little remorse shown. I can imagine my response is reasonable.

How have you guys handled marital unfaithfulness?

I plan to stay, and I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be every day. I have seen evidence of further attempts of unfaithfullness, which have been dismissed despite the evidence. It greatly grieves me but if Hosea could do it, maybe I can too. I know I am able to divorce, but it is not in my nature to give up on those I love. And though very painful theres many things I am learning about myself and my husband. I figure allthough her situation is unfavorable, and difficult, there are hidden gems stored within my marriage. I have hope.

I am not looking for counsel here, but I do want to hear from people if possible!

I would also be open to hearing from those who have been unfaithful themselves, theres no shame for the repentant. We all make mistakes.

I know this topic can be rough, please let's all be kind and generous and graceful towrds one another, with a merciful spirit

i am sorry to hear this. blessings to you & a quick resolution to you. is your husband a born again Christian? 1 of the 1st issues to look for is if you are any part of a reason for him to cheat. by course, there's never a reason to cheat but maybe something is on going that has allowed him to be broken & give up. between my wife & i there is absolutely no chance of cheating or lack of trust. we have a strange marriage, the longer it lasts, the better we get along! that is unusual. you wanting to stay & give it another try is amazing. that tells people you have a tremendous amount of love to share. i always have been an independent sort of person so if i had a wife who cheated, i would be gone soon. men & women can keep quiet about marital events for decades. maybe the beginning of this was awhile back. search yourself in every way to see if you could have done something better. you seem to be a strong woman not giving up. hopefully these words offer some assistance.

 

[seoulsearch]

In some ways, I'm almost glad my then-husband gave me a clean break and we didn't keep going back and forth, because I would have put up with it. I was desperate to not be alone. And looking back, I can't say anything bad about him. I know he tried the best he could. I've struggled with severe depression all my life -- and I know I'm not easy to deal with. I know there were a lot of times I was emotionally distant and angry, and he finally reached a breaking point.

About a year later after the divorce was finalized, I got into a relationship with a single alcoholic father with 3 boys, 2 of which lived with him. I had barely survived the fire, only to jump right into the frying pan (stupid me, it was all my own bad decision of thinking I could handle a situation that was way over my head.) I pretty much became the provider, caretaker, and single parent of both him and his youngest sons. It was one of the worst times of my life, and it was only by the grace of God that I got through.

Fast forward many, many years later. My worst two fears when my husband left was:

1. I'd never find someone I could bond with like him (we had some very unique things in common.)

2. I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

So far, both of those have come true. Now if I really wanted to, I could find someone to marry -- but it would most likely be another disaster, as I seem to attract guys who seek a "rescuer", or sometimes an amazing guy friend -- but if we're truly honest with each other, we know we're not romantically compatible.

Two other important things I've learned -- always ask for up-to-date, recent receipts.

1. One of the issues right off the bat was that the very day after we got married, I found receipts in my husband's car -- which eventually led to him revealing that he had large debts he had never told me about. Even when we got them paid off, he would rack them up all over again, as this was his choice of therapy.

2. Make sure you and your spouse have regular proof of health to show each other if someone is cheating. I never hear this talked about in Christian circles and it drives me crazy. Yes, there is the spiritual aspect, but we have to be realistic about the biological risks as well.

I am NOT trying to say anything bad about men here -- I know either spouse can stray -- but as a woman, I hear more stories from women. I knew one woman whose husband was continually putting her at risk of contracting STD's because of his behaviors.

I grew up in the midst of the AIDS epidemic, when STD's were seen as being scary -- and deadly -- enough that people were actually afraid. Nowadays, it seems as if people just see them as common colds that can be brushed off.

I just recently listened to several videos about the rise of things like AIDS -- and it truly ruins your life. Even if you do live, you'll be on a medical regime that will cost more money than you could ever make in 10 lifetimes and on a schedule of meds and appointments that will run your whole life.

Many STD's can lie dormant in your system for YEARS -- you might not have symptoms, but you might still have something wreaking havoc in your body and not know abut it. AIDS and others are detected through antibodies, and if there aren't enough antibodies built up in your system, your test could result in a false negative test (showing you as being clear, but yet you still have the virus.)

You could have clear tests for months or even years, but then suddenly something might be triggered and start showing symptoms.

Just think of the utter chaos, and danger, of a woman having AIDS, not knowing it, and then getting pregnant. Imagine an innocent child paying with its life because of the parent or parents' reckless behavior.

If I had a cheating spouse, I'd get tested -- no matter what he said -- every 6 months or as often as I could afford it (the health department might be able to help if you don't have insurance,) for the rest of my life. And if the marriage ended, I'd still get tested for years afterwards.

On to to the next post...

 

[shittim]

Hi @Carlyw,

Welcome to CC! It's great to see you jumping right in, participating in the forums, and starting your own threads!! I hope you'll continue to do so.

I'll try to condense my story and I apologize to all the long-timers here who've read it time and time again. Like you, I married young. We had a lot of rough patches from the start, but you know how, being a lifelong Christian, you believe God is going to work things out. All you have to do is be good enough, pray hard enough, read your Bible enough, and serve your husband and others enough. Right?

Fast forward to the part that will pertain to your thread -- I came home from what I thought was a normal day at work one day, and found half the house gone. He had moved out without telling me. We had a brief reconciliation after about a month, but then he moved to living on the other side of the house and running a completely separate life without me. He told me he was just saving up money to be able to leave.

Many months after he left the final time, I got papers in the mail that said, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce."

Like you, I thought of Hosea. And I was raised in church all my life. Surely God wanted me to fight for my marriage, because He hates divorce! I had a right to contest. But I believed God was telling me clearly, "Sign the papers and let him go." I did, but everything in me was fighting it. I was sure he was going to change his mind -- eventually. Even as the divorce was proceeding and going through, I was sure God was going to turn things around.

Even when we had our court date and he told the judge he couldn't talk to me anymore (I'm adopted, so I felt like not only had my birth parents thrown me away, but now my husband was throwing me away as well,) I BELIEVED. God can do miracles! God can raise the dead, no matter how dead it is!!

But there was no miracle, and there was no resurrection. And my then-husband wouldn't give me a reason.

The "wonderful" Christian people at church said I had no Biblical reason for divorce, and that I could never remarry again. And yet somehow I was supposed to praise God that here I was, 25, and never allowed to marry again. What a joyous Christian walk!!! I often contemplated suicide, as I saw absolutely no hope.

I had moved away from the area to pursue a full-time job, and a friend of mine, still in the area where we lived, called me months later -- time is a huge blur now, but I think it was 6 or 8 months after the divorce? It was something like 2 AM, and she said, "Hey, I have news you need to hear."

My ex had had a girlfriend -- that's why he left, but had kept it all hidden -- and now they had finally made their relationship public. She was someone we worked with. The last time I spoke to him ever in this life, he wanted me to take something he'd been storing in our shed outside for him to retrieve -- but I was not to be there, and he did not want to see or speak to me. My friend found out this item belonged to his girlfriend, and that's the only reason he called to get it back.

I have heard through the grapevine that he remarried and has a family. But I don't go looking for him or anything about him, and anyone who had ties to him drifted out of my life years ago. I have no idea what he's up to. And I told a friend, "I hate the nature of this world, that someone can go from being your spouse one day, to literally a stranger lost in the abyss the next."

Something very important I learned is that even though the good Christian people were judging me from what they could see on the outside, God knew what was really happening -- and that he had his heart set on this girl, and would not change his mind.

Other "helpful" Christians started to "prophesy" over me -- one told me I'd get remarried in 2 years; another told me I'd have 4 kids by a certain age. None of which came true. I was left wondering if demons were speaking to me from every side, and I have been very apprehensive regarding judgments or "prophecies" I hear from outsiders ever since.

The "ending," or at least, ongoing story of the saga isn't anything any single person would want to hear -- but to keep this from getting too long, I'm going to write the next part in another post.

My heart goes out to you, I am praying and He is responding palpably, the same way He does when I pray for my grandson and he then texts me because he experiences the pleasure of the Lord pouring out on him.
So thankful you have not become bitter.
bless you sister

 

[seoulsearch]

My heart goes out to you, I am praying and He is responding palpably, the same way He does when I pray for my grandson and he then texts me because he experiences the pleasure of the Lord pouring out on him. So thankful you have not become bitter.
bless you sister

Thank you so much for your kind words -- they really mean a lot.

Believe me, I DID get bitter and very angry for many, many years. I still have bouts where I slip back into that mindset. There were many times I wrote posts here when I was in that extremely negative state of mind, and I wish I could go back and delete all those old posts.

I always pray that God will forgive me as I go along, because I still have times of going back-and-forth, and the Bible says the double-minded person receives nothing.

It has taken many, many years to get to a better place -- and ONLY because of huge, extra large, extremely generous dose of grace from our Lord and the very patient people He blessed me with along the way.

 

[seoulsearch]

As a conclusion to the posts I wrote above...

When I was going through the hellfire of my divorce, I only wanted to hear stories from 2 kinds of Christians: 1. Those who'd had their marriages miraculously restored; and 2. those who did wind up divorcing, but wound up finding someone even better and a marriage far beyond even their wildest dreams for the first marriage.

In the end, I have become the story that I hoped against all hope that I would not become.

NO ONE facing divorce or a a difficult marriage wants to hear that the result of my story is that I am alone, have been for many, many years, and have accepted the reality that this may just be the way it is for the rest of my life.

Now it's not ALL bad. I've looked after older relatives all my life, and I have seen MANY troubling things in marriage, and Christian marriages at that. More and more, I find myself thinking, "I'm SO glad I don't have to deal with that!!" And I have had numerous Christian wives tell me I am so lucky to NOT be married (again, I am NOT trying to say anything bad about men here -- I surely know women can be at fault. But as a woman myself, it's other women who most often confide in me.)

I have wonderful Christian parents I am extremely grateful for, along with Christian friends here on this site whom God has blessed me with the privilege of meeting in person. This is what keeps me going -- getting to know people, hopefully to the point where someday we travel to meet each other. I've done it all my life, even as a kid (through paper pen pal letters,) and this, along with various ministry projects, are what keep me going.

But I do have to admit, I often wonder if I even have anything of value to say to other singles, particularly younger singles, because I know that I am the very thing that, if I had known what my life would have come when I was 25, I would have lost all hope.

Sometimes I still feel that way.


@Carlyw, I give you nothing but respect and praise for fulfilling your commitment to your husband and God.

Thank you for sharing your story, and please keep us posted if it feels safe to do so.

You will be in my prayers, and may God bless your faithfulness.

 

[shittim]

Thank you so much for your kind words -- they really mean a lot.

Believe me, I DID get bitter and very angry for many, many years. I still have bouts where I slip back into that mindset. There were many times I wrote posts here when I was in that extremely negative state of mind, and I wish I could go back and delete all those old posts.

I always pray that God will forgive me as I go along, because I still have times of going back-and-forth, and the Bible says the double-minded person receives nothing.

It has taken many, many years to get to a better place -- and ONLY because of huge, extra large, extremely generous dose of grace from our Lord and the very patient people He blessed me with along the way.

And now you are that patient person for others as you pour out His love here through your ministry.
Really looking forward to meeting you on the other side, sister.
bless you

 

[seoulsearch]

And now you are that patient person for others as you pour out His love for others here through your ministry.
Really looking forward to meeting you on the other side, sister.
bless you

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

I greatly enjoy trying to bring people together here, even if it's just through silly little talks about peanut butter and jelly, or bubble wrap!

May God comfort everyone here who is going through their own tough times.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

My husband has been unfaithful, im upset to say the least.

I figure I have forgiven him, as im not angry. Though I still lack trust for him as there has been very little remorse shown. I can imagine my response is reasonable.

How have you guys handled marital unfaithfulness?

I plan to stay, and I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be every day. I have seen evidence of further attempts of unfaithfullness, which have been dismissed despite the evidence. It greatly grieves me but if Hosea could do it, maybe I can too. I know I am able to divorce, but it is not in my nature to give up on those I love. And though very painful theres many things I am learning about myself and my husband. I figure allthough her situation is unfavorable, and difficult, there are hidden gems stored within my marriage. I have hope.

I am not looking for counsel here, but I do want to hear from people if possible!

I would also be open to hearing from those who have been unfaithful themselves, theres no shame for the repentant. We all make mistakes.

I know this topic can be rough, please let's all be kind and generous and graceful towrds one another, with a merciful spirit

I don't know if you have a good pastor and church. If so, that's where I'd start. However, there are plenty of bad pastors with unbiblical council I've heard of. Beware of all and weigh each with the Word daily, especially online. It's a dangerous thing to consider such critical opinions from strangers of every background. You'll not always get God's opinion.

 

[Ceph]

It's very unfortunate to hear that you are in such a circumstance.
I would firmly assert that the offender in question is in for a vey greivous and miserable fate in the next life, unless they repent and forgo all their corruption. You aught to drive it into his head that God hates every evil way, and if he won't answer to you, he will have to answer to the trone of Righteous judgment, and have all his works exposed with his evil thoughts with them before the whole congregation of the righteous.

 

[Carlyw]

My husband has been unfaithful, im upset to say the least.

I figure I have forgiven him, as im not angry. Though I still lack trust for him as there has been very little remorse shown. I can imagine my response is reasonable.

How have you guys handled marital unfaithfulness?

I plan to stay, and I try my hardest to be the best wife I can be every day. I have seen evidence of further attempts of unfaithfullness, which have been dismissed despite the evidence. It greatly grieves me but if Hosea could do it, maybe I can too. I know I am able to divorce, but it is not in my nature to give up on those I love. And though very painful theres many things I am learning about myself and my husband. I figure allthough her situation is unfavorable, and difficult, there are hidden gems stored within my marriage. I have hope.

I am not looking for counsel here, but I do want to hear from people if possible!

I would also be open to hearing from those who have been unfaithful themselves, theres no shame for the repentant. We all make mistakes.

I know this topic can be rough, please let's all be kind and generous and graceful towrds one another, with a merciful spirit

To be clear, I dont want sympathy or counsel. I want stories! Which some have done great at giving

I want hope, I want potentially relatable personal stories! Even non hopeful ones, they can be inspiring in ways.

I know things can go well.

 

[Mordy]

To be clear, I dont want sympathy or counsel. I want stories! Which some have done great at giving

I want hope, I want potentially relatable personal stories! Even non hopeful ones, they can be inspiring in ways.

I know things can go well.

I found this 15 minute talk by John Piper very beautiful and encouraging, even if it didn't work out for me. This would be my model.

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/how-can-couples-heal-after-adultery

 

[Mordy]

To be clear, I dont want sympathy or counsel. I want stories! Which some have done great at giving

I want hope, I want potentially relatable personal stories! Even non hopeful ones, they can be inspiring in ways.

I know things can go well.

Is your husband a believer? Perhaps he has a great amount of remorse, but doesn't know how to show it. You're presently living with him or separated? In my marriage I'm the one that fell into temptation. I felt like it was a black hole, and there was no real satisfaction. It was completely empty experience and I knew it wouldn't be something that created a bond even though I know in the flesh that continuing in that would've been bonding. I'm not sure. I really understand the scriptures when there is the admonition that not to have relations with a prostitute because "don't you know you become one with a prostitute" but I would counter only in so far without denying the authority scriptures here. Maybe I'm wrong and should be corrected, but I do believe that in the process of recovery and forgiveness, there is no bonding in a spiritual way because I've broken that off through the power of the strength of the Holy Spirit. Of course there is some memory of it, but the memory does not hold me or keep me from wanting to be affectionate to my wife… In theory but in my case, my wife left me so I'm not sure what the most godly way to proceed is sometimes. Does the partner who is abandoned just wait for the other partner to come back and for how long. I don't think more than two years I would be able to be alone because I already find myself developing deep friendships with sisters in the church. How does one not think about the possibility of remarriage when you are alone, even if you're still separated. But I suppose it's different in your case because you're together and hopefully keep praying for your partner that you both can draw close to the Lord through the experience and find trust. You have mentioned exactly the key point in my view, which is trusting the partner. And I don't know how my wife would trust me again and that's why she doesn't see any possibility of coming back together. But God is in control and I trust him and we'll see how he leads me in the future. I would only proceed one way or another in the peace of the Lord, whether it would be to have divorce or to remarry or to stay single. The key thing is to walk in the peace of the Lord. These are things that I can speak about anonymously here… I hope I can stay totally anonymous because it's not something that I would want to share publicly and be known. Although I would be open to getting to know people outside of the chat at some point. There are some very wise comments and thoughts and people sharing deep spiritual, and biblical insight here and I'm grateful to be a part of this forum. Also keep in mind that it would be impossible to explain that all so plainly to my wife, without bringing serious pain, and she does not want understand as I've tried to talk to her, but she just doesn't wanna communicate.I would never actually say it quite that way.

 

[kqr_anointed]

i think you invented Peso Pluma

 

[kqr_anointed]

i think you’re my long lost husband my child claims so

jk

 

[kqr_anointed]

sorry wrong thread