Feeling disheartened

[HistoryPrincess]

Before anyone asks, yes I'm a Christian.

Let's just say, I've been a Christian since I was 17. I'm turning 32 in a couple weeks. And while I don't think I could ever abandon my faith, part of me just wants nothing to do with it anymore.

After high school, I experienced a series of disappointments in school, work, and relationships − despite praying to God for guidance. By 2017, I'd resorted to retreating from the world and have been living that way for 8 years since. I live with my parents. I get social security (partly because I'm neurodivergent). But I've got no diploma, no job, and no friends (outside from an online friend who lives on the other side of the country). I haven't even attended church since then, apart from Easter and Christmas. I got tired of people telling me how to "better" my Christian life (albeit in a well-meaning way, not a legalistic way). And besides, most churches don't know what to do with people like me − 32, unmarried, and childless.

Last week, however, I thought I'd finally been given reason to hope again − to hope my life would change for the better. I sought spiritual guidance on it and delved into my Bible. But since then, the likelihood of this opportunity (which I'd prefer not to explain) actually panning out seems more and more unlikely every day.

"Hope" is now like a 4-letter word to me. I don't care what "good things" God has in store for me. I'd rather he leave me alone and quit playing with my feelings.

 

[NotmebutHim]

I don't remember who I was listening to on YouTube this morning, but that person mentioned Elijah and how he felt after having called fire down from heaven to show that God is the one true God (1 Kings 18). Elijah went from feeling victorious to feeling depressed (because Jezebel sought his life).

However, God didn't "lecture" Elijah, but rather fed him.

It sounds as if you need to be fed. I will pray that God will do just that.

 

[shittim]

I don't remember who I was listening to on YouTube this morning, but that person mentioned Elijah and how he felt after having called fire down from heaven to show that God is the one true God (1 Kings 18). Elijah went from feeling victorious to feeling depressed (because Jezebel sought his life).

However, God didn't "lecture" Elijah, but rather fed him.

It sounds as if you need to be fed. I will pray that God will do just that.

Agreeing with you in prayer for her.
Religion isn't the same as relationship with the indwelling Christ.

 

[Lynx]

Last week, however, I thought I'd finally been given reason to hope again − to hope my life would change for the better. I sought spiritual guidance on it and delved into my Bible. But since then, the likelihood of this opportunity (which I'd prefer not to explain) actually panning out seems more and more unlikely every day.

"Hope" is now like a 4-letter word to me. I don't care what "good things" God has in store for me. I'd rather he leave me alone and quit playing with my feelings.

Hmm...

I'm 47, unmarried and childless. I work at a fast food factory. From the outside my situation seems much like yours.

I have found that the people around me who said I should have big dreams for my life are wrong. My life works a lot better when I just take it as it comes and appreciate what I have while I have it.

Mind you, I'm not saying big dreams are bad. I'm glad somebody had a dream to make a smartphone, because I'm using one of those to make this post. I sure am glad my doctor aspired to go to medical school school and be a doctor. But that doesn't mean everyone has to or even should do the same thing.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you should not have dreams. I'm just saying this is what has worked for me and it might work for you too.

Good luck, and remember we are always here if you need to vent.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

Hmm...

I'm 47, unmarried and childless. I work at a fast food factory. From the outside my situation seems much like yours.

I have found that the people around me who said I should have big dreams for my life are wrong. My life works a lot better when I just take it as it comes and appreciate what I have while I have it.

Mind you, I'm not saying big dreams are bad. I'm glad somebody had a dream to make a smartphone, because I'm using one of those to make this post. I sure am glad my doctor aspired to go to medical school school and be a doctor. But that doesn't mean everyone has to or even should do the same thing.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you should not have dreams. I'm just saying this is what has worked for me and it might work for you too.

Good luck, and remember we are always here if you need to vent.

Well, good for you. Wish I could say the same.

The other day, my mom said that maybe God just wants me to be available. And I'm thinking, "Available? Available for what?! Serving in soup kitchens? Helping out at a missions' house? Going back to being a hospital janitor?" (my last actual job)

All that's fine and good. Don't get me wrong. My point is, awful as this may sound, I've done all those things…and I found them all boring…!

Maybe I'm too ambitious for this mundane world. Maybe I have a bit of an ego. Maybe I'm not a model Christian citizen who volunteers whenever she can. But it's like asking a painter who wants to make beautiful works of art to settle for a desk job − no paintbrushes, no canvasses. It's typing and sterile computers for you, all day every day.

 

[Lynx]

Well, good for you. Wish I could say the same.

The other day, my mom said that maybe God just wants me to be available. And I'm thinking, "Available? Available for what?! Serving in soup kitchens? Helping out at a missions' house? Going back to being a hospital janitor?" (my last actual job)

All that's fine and good. Don't get me wrong. My point is, awful as this may sound, I've done all those things…and I found them all boring…!

Maybe I'm too ambitious for this mundane world. Maybe I have a bit of an ego. Maybe I'm not a model Christian citizen who volunteers whenever she can. But it's like asking a painter who wants to make beautiful works of art to settle for a desk job − no paintbrushes, no canvasses. It's typing and sterile computers for you, all day every day.

Oooooh... Yeah, no, a job is not supposed to be intellectually stimulating or what you have always dreamed of doing or anything like that. A job is supposed to make a paycheck.


What we do outside of our jobs, that is what is supposed to be intellectually stimulating and all that stuff.

If you were able to make a job out of what you enjoy doing, from what I have observed, you would probably stop enjoying it. Making a hobby into a job is the best way I know to ruin a good hobby. Just sucks all the fun right out of it.

The best part about a job though, at least one that does not require much mental presence, is being able to let your mind wander and think about whatever you want to think about while you are doing it. And you get paid for it too!

 

[MsMediator]

You haven't mentioned, what would you like to do with your life? I believe God guides us but also gives us a lot of freedom in what we want to do. Job-wise, you don't have a lot of options without a high school diploma/GED. You are not going to find a job too stimulating that way. You say you are too ambitious but have you made any steps forward? A lot of people make friends at school, work, or church but you are not in those environments.

 

[seoulsearch]

Before anyone asks, yes I'm a Christian.

Let's just say, I've been a Christian since I was 17. I'm turning 32 in a couple weeks. And while I don't think I could ever abandon my faith, part of me just wants nothing to do with it anymore.

After high school, I experienced a series of disappointments in school, work, and relationships − despite praying to God for guidance. By 2017, I'd resorted to retreating from the world and have been living that way for 8 years since. I live with my parents. I get social security (partly because I'm neurodivergent). But I've got no diploma, no job, and no friends (outside from an online friend who lives on the other side of the country). I haven't even attended church since then, apart from Easter and Christmas. I got tired of people telling me how to "better" my Christian life (albeit in a well-meaning way, not a legalistic way). And besides, most churches don't know what to do with people like me − 32, unmarried, and childless.

Last week, however, I thought I'd finally been given reason to hope again − to hope my life would change for the better. I sought spiritual guidance on it and delved into my Bible. But since then, the likelihood of this opportunity (which I'd prefer not to explain) actually panning out seems more and more unlikely every day.

"Hope" is now like a 4-letter word to me. I don't care what "good things" God has in store for me. I'd rather he leave me alone and quit playing with my feelings.

Hi @HistoryPrincess,

It's good to see you're still here.

I know a long time ago, you'd mentioned working on your debut novel... I was just wondering, how has it been going?

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but you'll be in my prayers.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

Oooooh... Yeah, no, a job is not supposed to be intellectually stimulating or what you have always dreamed of doing or anything like that. A job is supposed to make a paycheck.


What we do outside of our jobs, that is what is supposed to be intellectually stimulating and all that stuff.

If you were able to make a job out of what you enjoy doing, from what I have observed, you would probably stop enjoying it. Making a hobby into a job is the best way I know to ruin a good hobby. Just sucks all the fun right out of it.

The best part about a job though, at least one that does not require much mental presence, is being able to let your mind wander and think about whatever you want to think about while you are doing it. And you get paid for it too!

Except that's not true. If you let your mind wander, nothing gets done. Glad you seem to have made peace with that. I don't think I ever could.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

Hi @HistoryPrincess,

It's good to see you're still here.

I know a long time ago, you'd mentioned working on your debut novel... I was just wondering, how has it been going?

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but you'll be in my prayers.

I don't even remember saying I was working on a debut novel. I guess like 90% of everything else I create, it's destined to remain unfinished.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

You haven't mentioned, what would you like to do with your life? I believe God guides us but also gives us a lot of freedom in what we want to do. Job-wise, you don't have a lot of options without a high school diploma/GED. You are not going to find a job too stimulating that way. You say you are too ambitious but have you made any steps forward? A lot of people make friends at school, work, or church but you are not in those environments.

I have a high school diploma. Nothing more advanced than that. I went to a community college for a fear years and then dropped out after failing math 3-4 times in a row (my brain short-circuits beyond basic algebra).

Perhaps it's more accurate to say I'm too unrealistic. To be honest, even when I was little I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I'm a Jane of all trades, master of none. I often don't have the discipline to see 90% of my projects completed. If I'm being totally honest, the only thing I've ever really seemed to be good at is daydreaming. And if that's the case, I might as well be in a coma.

Also, I tried to make friends for years. Thing is, it's almost impossible to make friends as an adult now. Everyone's always busy. And I can't force them to hang out with me.

All this is to say, I don't wanna play a game (in this case, life) that I have no chance of ever winning.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

Bottomline, I've come to hate the word "hope." I now get angry whenever someone suggests I can change my life for the better. I know as a Christian that I should say I trust in God. Well, I trust him for hellfire insurance, but not anything else.

If God doesn't want me to be happy or indeed joyful (as Christians are so fond of differentiating the two), who am I to deny him? And even if he does, I find more solace in my fantasy worlds than I honestly ever have found in my Bible.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

I don't remember who I was listening to on YouTube this morning, but that person mentioned Elijah and how he felt after having called fire down from heaven to show that God is the one true God (1 Kings 18). Elijah went from feeling victorious to feeling depressed (because Jezebel sought his life).

However, God didn't "lecture" Elijah, but rather fed him.

It sounds as if you need to be fed. I will pray that God will do just that.

Feed me with what? More platitudes I've already heard a million times before?

 

[HistoryPrincess]

I'm not usually the kind of person who just stays in bed whenever they're feeling emotionally bad. But it's finally gotten to that point for me. I was literally crying into my pillow just now.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi @HistoryPrincess, It's good to see you're still here. I know a long time ago, you'd mentioned working on your debut novel... I was just wondering, how has it been going?
I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this.I know it doesn't seem like much, but you'll be in my prayers.

I don't even remember saying I was working on a debut novel. I guess like 90% of everything else I create, it's destined to remain unfinished.

I was referring to this post you made in 2019:

When I say I don't want to be a Christian author, I don't mean to disparage them. People should write what they want. But I want to reach outside of my "tribe" so to speak. I'm working on what could be my debut novel.

I remember this because I knew 2 people who wrote and self-published books around that time. One spent $10,000 of her own money to do so. Neither came even close to recuperating what it cost them and wound up trying to give away all their copies because they didn't sell.

The market is so saturated, it's really hard to break through.

I mention this because maybe there was a reason why your book, and some other projects didn't work out. I know it's frustrating.

People have told me I should write a book for years, but after talking to others who have poured all their spare time and life savings into doing so, I'm thankful I didn't go that route -- and am focusing on other things.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

I was referring to this post you made in 2019:



I remember this because I knew 2 people who wrote and self-published books around that time. One spent $10,000 of her own money to do so. Neither came even close to recuperating what it cost them and wound up trying to give away all their copies because they didn't sell.

The market is so saturated, it's really hard to break through.

I mention this because maybe there was a reason why your book, and some other projects didn't work out. I know it's frustrating.

People have told me I should write a book for years, but after talking to others who have poured all their spare time and life savings into doing so, I'm thankful I didn't go that route -- and am focusing on other things.

I don't wanna try anything anymore. All I want in life now is to fall into a coma.

 

[tourist]

Agreeing with you in prayer for her.
Religion isn't the same as relationship with the indwelling Christ.

Agreeing in prayer too.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

Agreeing in prayer too.

What does that mean?

And I'm too angry to pray.

 

[Amargosa]

@HistoryPrincess

Do you have a pastor, deacon/ess or elder at your church to speak with? In a church, everyone is family and is there to help, serve and love one another.

Don‘t forget that God gives us experiences to build up our faith. Last year, I lost five family members and friends. I found I can use that experience to help others who are grieving. So, God has a plan and YOU are a part of it. You will get through this and quite possibly, God will use you to help others.

Blessings to you.

 

[HistoryPrincess]

@HistoryPrincess

Do you have a pastor, deacon/ess or elder at your church to speak with? In a church, everyone is family and is there to help, serve and love one another.

Don‘t forget that God gives us experiences to build up our faith. Last year, I lost five family members and friends. I found I can use that experience to help others who are grieving. So, God has a plan and YOU are a part of it. You will get through this and quite possibly, God will use you to help others.

Blessings to you.


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I'm so sorry for all your losses. I can't imagine that level of grief.

I haven't attended Church in 8 years, apart from Easter and Christmas. I got sick of feeling like I don't fit in. I've never really "belonged" anywhere anyway.

I don't want God's "plan" for my life. I don't want anything from him, other than to just leave me alone and let me indulge in my fantasy worlds.