Yes I understand. I have been anorexic, bulimic, and an overeater. It started when I was a child. My mother is a compulsive overeater and dieter. I remember going to a buffet and my mom getting mad at me. "That was not $9 worth of food. You better eat more." That was after 2 plates when I was very young (8, 9, 10 yrs. old). Then I also remember my mom's diets. I joined her in them. Then there is my own health. Food, weight, and appearance has always been a major focus in my life. At 17 I became a full-fledged anorexic. I stopped eating almost completely for 6 months. For the last 3 months, I tightened up. Much of those 3 months I ate NOTHING. When I did eat, I drank diet soda and ate very measured amounts of jerky. In three months I lost over 50 lbs. and I ended up coming close to killing myself.
The obsession is killer. It is very controlling. I remember the terror that 5 calories in a vitamin held over me. I remember the perfect calculations I had to do in order to get myself to eat anything. "If I eat ______, I will have to run ______ miles/blocks/feet to burn those calories." I studied how to be a good anoreixc. I watched series about anorexics and learned the tricks of the trade. Mustard on celery. Diet soda. Hot sauce.
After this I became bulimic. I remember when I realized I'd become bulimic. I was a fresh in college. I had only been there a few weeks. I was so scared. I did everything I could to take control. I was in the cafeteria one day at lunch time. First it was a 3 course meal at Panda Express. Then a Hagen Daas. Then a lemon and poppyseed muffin with whole milk. Then a candy bar. Then some more candy. I remember hating myself so much that I purposely chose the worst "food" I could find to stuff my face with. $30 worth of junk later I wanted to throw up, but to punish myself more I didn't allow myself that relief. For the weeks following, I learned to purge. First it was forced vomitting, but that was too hard since I threw up so much as a child I had a stomach of steel. Then I discovered over-exercising. I had never been able to go to a gym and when I finally could I became obsessed with it. I was there at 5am every morning to work out for an hour. I got ready at the gym for my classes. If I had ANY time in between I went back to the gym even if it was for 20 minutes. After all of my classes were over, I spent another 2-4 hrs at the gym. I was spending upwards of 4 hours a day at the gym while taking a heavy course load in school. Sundays were the hardest days because the gym was closed. I felt completely lost. I still ran outside and did other exercises, but those days terrified me because I just knew that I was going to lose the benefit of the hours and hours I spend during the week in the gym. After almost two semesters of this, I finally heard the Lord tell me to stop. It almost killed me. I had to face the fear. I did not allow myself gym time for a full semester because it had become an idol.
A while alter I was back at the gym and I struggled every day to keep it moderate. I still wanted to spend every waking moment there, but I knew I couldn't let it become my idol again. For 5 yrs. I occassionally bounced from not eating to binging. After college I had the occassion purposed binge, but I also start purging even more. It started slowly, but I learned to force vomit again. And not to much later I discovered purging through laxatives.
This has been a constant battle for me, but I do finally feel that in the past two years I'm getting the victory over it. The Lord has done a wonder on me, and I've seen great transformation. It's very difficult to take a moderate approach. It's very difficult to recognize and deal with the emotions that lead to binging and purging, but it is possible.
For me my eating issues have been rooted in my parents abuse. My mother constantly told me "You're dad didn't love me because I was fat, but I was never any bigger than you." My father would show me porn and tell me "this is what real women look like." My family is consumed by whose lost or gained weight. It's taken a while for me to realize that people are complex. We are not our sexuality. We are not our body. We are not our cognitive abilities. We are not our brokeness. We are not our talents. Less than "perfection" in any of these areas only means we are human. Our perfection is not God's.
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