A Letter To My Mum

[Levichevett]

Dear Mum,

I know we never really got on and I dont know if that was because of something I did or if we just dont work together well anyway but Im sorry that neither one of us have ever said that we love tho other and now Im not even sure how I do feel about you. I dont mean to take things so far. Sometimes it doesnt even feel like I would cry if you died and that scares me. I want to be close to you but Im still pushing you away.
You must have known that when I was little I wasnt gonna react well to any of the decsiions you made. When Dad went to jail you didnt even come back to look after us you just sent us to a carehome for an entire year. You wont even talk about what you were doing in that time even now and thats what frustrates me. And then when you did come back after a month you told us that you were getting married in a week to guy we'd never met. Did you really think that I was going to react well to that? When we met him he introduced himself as being our new dad. How did you expect me to react? It felt like you had just suddenly come into my life and was tryna replace the Dad I loved with some other guy I didnt know. Thats what I resented both of you as a kid. If I understood why you made them choices then maybe itd be easier to not be so angry about them.
What hurts me the most is that you wont admit you made mistakes. Im not blaming you for everything thats gone wrong but how can you look back and act like you were the perfect mum? I never felt that you were there for me as a kid and hell yea I hated the new guy you married and I misbehaved and stole money from you but you never even noticed when I did the right thing or when I tried to talk to you about the things that were troubling me. And now I dont know where I fit into this family. Dads getting released soon and he said if its possible and I wanted I could move in with him to. I want to live with him but I know you hate him and youd probabaly hate me for it too.
Youre probabaly never gonna read this because Ive given up trying to explain myself to you. You chose the life you want and somehow I dont think you put me in that plan. So maybe when Im older you might be more willing to listen to me and see it from how I saw it and maybe we can both open up about whats happening but until then I dont see how things are going to work. You cant even see theres anything wrong with me. Where were you when Ive been depressed and nearly killed myself? The only one whos been there for me is my brother and god I love him to bits hes the best mother and father I could have ever had but he shouldnt have had to raise me like that you should have took some responsibility.
Im sorry for the way I treat you. Im a horrible child and I know that but if you ever wanted to ask me why I do what I do I would tell you but I doubt thats gonna be anytime soon. Maybe when Im dead youll find my account on here and go through my posts and find this and understand me a little better. I would put that I love you but I think that that would be wrong right now. I miss you Mum,
from, Lev.

 

[Pilkington]

Levichevett, I read this a couple of days ago and wanted to say how sorry I am I didn't respond sometimes it is hard to know what to say. I can hear your pain in what you have written, and which life was different for you. I am not excusing what your mum has done but I wanted to say Adults make mistakes, I am still making mistakes and am hopefully still learning. Your mum may not be able to or willing to explain, she may even believe she has done everything right. I also think she may be more able or willing to discuss things. A good way of talking about things is when you do x I feel this. When you discuss in this way it can take out some of heat also it is then about how something makes you feel, the other person can't say you can't feel this way.

Not sure if it will help giving this to your mum but hopefully it has helped to get your feelings on paper.