In August of 2012, I wrote this note on Facebook. I'm copying and pasting it here because I hope and pray that it may touch someone who struggled/is struggling with the same things. It could almost piggyback off of Jullianna's wonderful thread the other day (Click here!) about trusting God and not fretting. There are many topics on here about dating, self-value ("I don't feel good enough to have a boyfriend/girlfriend") etc. and so I hope this can be of some encouragement. It is a bit lengthy, so I do apologize for that. I can tend to ramble when I'm on a roll. 
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Despite my deep desire to one day get married, I've always been pessimistic about marriage. Odd, right? I'd see a newlywed post a picture on Facebook of a sweet note and how awesome their husband/wife is, and I'd think to myself, "Yeah, give it 2 years and see if that still happens." Or, I'd see someone else get engaged and think, "Well of course they're engaged. Look at how great and beautiful they are."
This is quite curious, as I've been surrounded by healthy marriages my whole life. My parents' marriage is one I look up to. My sister's soon-to-be-marriage is one I look up to. And the list goes on.
But it wasn't until today, on my long car ride home, that I figured out why I'm pessimistic and what kind of impact it has had on me.
I would think of marriage, "How can someone love someone else that much?" Then, I realized that I was projecting on others and that I had to make it personal. Because I realized that my actual belief was, "How could someone ever love me that much? And why would they?" I realized that I'm pessimistic about marriage because I don't think I'm worth being married to. I can't imagine trusting someone that much, or believing that someone could know all about me and still love me. I concluded that I must look a certain way, act a certain way, etc. in order to be wanted. I have never been pursued, so why should I ever be pursued? I realized that I wanted marriage to prove to the world that I could be loved in that way.
From that realization, I came to an even bigger one that literally took my breath away. What does that belief say about how I view Christ (seeing as how the Bible says that He is the bridegroom)? Do I really view Christ as someone who will get tired of me in a few years? As someone whose love will fade over time? As someone who I must constantly be making happy lest He not love me anymore? As someone who has stipulations that I must meet before He TRULY loves me?
It hit me today that my view of myself impacted my view of marriage which ultimately impacted my view of Christ. And that has been a dangerous and hurtful thing to myself. It has caused negative thought patterns, both towards myself and towards God. When God has opened His arms to me, often I would push Him away, declaring, "No, God, if You really knew me, you wouldn't be opening Your arms to me. So I'll just handle this on my own."
But He does know everything about me and still loves me so much that if I were to be exposed to His love in all its glory, I would be crushed (which is perhaps why we get new bodies after we die!). He does love me no matter what I do. He won't ever stop loving me or get tired of me. There is nothing that I could do and nothing that I could do in the future that would make Him love me more or less.
And this blows my mind. I don't understand it. Until today, I thought I had to understand it. But I don't. Why? Because the TRUTH is all that matters. And the truth is that Jesus unconditionally loves me. Not a gushy love, not an "I love ice cream!" type of love, but a love where He was willing to lay down His LIFE to save mine. A love where He truly and deeply cares about every little thing that goes on with me, no matter how small and stupid I think it may be. A love so true, that even when I'm pushing Him away with all my strength, He refuses to budge, and even after all my flailing and fighting and feeling like a failure, He is still willing to lift my face from my despair and gently (or boldly, like today) speak Truth to me. A love so strong that it brings me to tears just writing about it.
With my changed view of Christ (or rather, a view that was waiting to be discovered), I have changed my view of marriage and myself. I want marriage now because I want to show the world what a couple who becomes one can do to show the glory of Christ. I want marriage because I want the world to see how Christ loves the church. As for myself, I don't think of myself as high and mighty. But I am starting the process of learning (and un-learning all that some previous experiences of my 22 years of life have taught me) to see myself through Christ's eyes, one of holiness and value, no matter the circumstances and no matter how I feel about myself at any given moment.
Beauty and love should not be circumstantial, as it is in our society/culture today. "Well, you're beautiful and worthy of love if you look/act like this." No. I refuse to let a magazine, or a TV show, or a culture, dictate my worth. My worth has already been ascribed by my Lord Jesus Christ. "Beauty" and "worth" change from decade to decade, from culture to culture. But God's love is one that never changes, one that remains steadfast and true. God pursues me even if no one else does, or even if I am not pursuing Him. THAT is true love.
"Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples. For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever!" Psalm 117:1-2
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Despite my deep desire to one day get married, I've always been pessimistic about marriage. Odd, right? I'd see a newlywed post a picture on Facebook of a sweet note and how awesome their husband/wife is, and I'd think to myself, "Yeah, give it 2 years and see if that still happens." Or, I'd see someone else get engaged and think, "Well of course they're engaged. Look at how great and beautiful they are."
This is quite curious, as I've been surrounded by healthy marriages my whole life. My parents' marriage is one I look up to. My sister's soon-to-be-marriage is one I look up to. And the list goes on.
But it wasn't until today, on my long car ride home, that I figured out why I'm pessimistic and what kind of impact it has had on me.
I would think of marriage, "How can someone love someone else that much?" Then, I realized that I was projecting on others and that I had to make it personal. Because I realized that my actual belief was, "How could someone ever love me that much? And why would they?" I realized that I'm pessimistic about marriage because I don't think I'm worth being married to. I can't imagine trusting someone that much, or believing that someone could know all about me and still love me. I concluded that I must look a certain way, act a certain way, etc. in order to be wanted. I have never been pursued, so why should I ever be pursued? I realized that I wanted marriage to prove to the world that I could be loved in that way.
From that realization, I came to an even bigger one that literally took my breath away. What does that belief say about how I view Christ (seeing as how the Bible says that He is the bridegroom)? Do I really view Christ as someone who will get tired of me in a few years? As someone whose love will fade over time? As someone who I must constantly be making happy lest He not love me anymore? As someone who has stipulations that I must meet before He TRULY loves me?
It hit me today that my view of myself impacted my view of marriage which ultimately impacted my view of Christ. And that has been a dangerous and hurtful thing to myself. It has caused negative thought patterns, both towards myself and towards God. When God has opened His arms to me, often I would push Him away, declaring, "No, God, if You really knew me, you wouldn't be opening Your arms to me. So I'll just handle this on my own."
But He does know everything about me and still loves me so much that if I were to be exposed to His love in all its glory, I would be crushed (which is perhaps why we get new bodies after we die!). He does love me no matter what I do. He won't ever stop loving me or get tired of me. There is nothing that I could do and nothing that I could do in the future that would make Him love me more or less.
And this blows my mind. I don't understand it. Until today, I thought I had to understand it. But I don't. Why? Because the TRUTH is all that matters. And the truth is that Jesus unconditionally loves me. Not a gushy love, not an "I love ice cream!" type of love, but a love where He was willing to lay down His LIFE to save mine. A love where He truly and deeply cares about every little thing that goes on with me, no matter how small and stupid I think it may be. A love so true, that even when I'm pushing Him away with all my strength, He refuses to budge, and even after all my flailing and fighting and feeling like a failure, He is still willing to lift my face from my despair and gently (or boldly, like today) speak Truth to me. A love so strong that it brings me to tears just writing about it.
With my changed view of Christ (or rather, a view that was waiting to be discovered), I have changed my view of marriage and myself. I want marriage now because I want to show the world what a couple who becomes one can do to show the glory of Christ. I want marriage because I want the world to see how Christ loves the church. As for myself, I don't think of myself as high and mighty. But I am starting the process of learning (and un-learning all that some previous experiences of my 22 years of life have taught me) to see myself through Christ's eyes, one of holiness and value, no matter the circumstances and no matter how I feel about myself at any given moment.
Beauty and love should not be circumstantial, as it is in our society/culture today. "Well, you're beautiful and worthy of love if you look/act like this." No. I refuse to let a magazine, or a TV show, or a culture, dictate my worth. My worth has already been ascribed by my Lord Jesus Christ. "Beauty" and "worth" change from decade to decade, from culture to culture. But God's love is one that never changes, one that remains steadfast and true. God pursues me even if no one else does, or even if I am not pursuing Him. THAT is true love.
"Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol Him, all you peoples. For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever!" Psalm 117:1-2
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