Controlling wife

I am so sad with what is happening to me. I am married to my wife for 16 years. I come from India, and have lived all my married life in the US. Mine is an arranged marriage and there is never going to be a life for me without my wife. I love her dearly and respect her very much. We are both Christians and attend a catholic church every week. We have two kids age 10 and 6. I have a good job. She stays home taking care of us, and we are truly blessed. But I have been living with such pain all these years I am driven to thoughts of suicide by what my wife has been doing to me. Sorry this description is too long.

In the past 16 years my wife has broken ties with her two brothers almost completely. The only people she keeps in contact are her parents. She lives for herself, me and our two children. Both our extended families live in India. She is afraid that they will expect money from us if she is friendly to them. She has also succeeded in isolating me from the few friends I had here, and does not let me phone my mother or my siblings in India. I am a timid person. I cry easily. My father passed away 2 years ago. My mother (age 76) lives with one of my brothers and he takes good care of her. Still I want to show my love for her by sending some gifts on her birthday or when she is not feeling well with some health problem. Usually a 100 dollars check. My wife does not let me do that. So I steal my own money without her knowledge and send it to my mother. I cannot tell my mom that I am sending this small amount of money without my wife’s knowledge. That will make my mom sad. I have been caught by my wife on this several times. She scolds me for that and refuses to talk to me for several weeks. I do not cook. Unless she gives me food I don’t get food. So I beg her, and finally she takes me back. This has been going on for the last 16 years. Now I am in one such situation. I am completely helpless. I have no one to ask for help. I have cried out to God, but I do not hear His words. I know a man is supposed to be strong and everything. I am very sad. These days I feel like committing suicide. My family in India is all that the common stereotypes about people of India. So, please do not advise me to separate from her. For me that is worse than committing suicide. I know she loves me but, I think, for her money is much more important than anything else. Please pray for me and give me some ideas so I will feel better.
-nstar

Wow, This is a very hard situation. I understand the way your culture is and divorce or separtation is not even an option. The first thing I want to address is your thoughts of suicide. When times get tough and we are sadden and depressed we think of taking our lives. You should not because there is so much more out there for you. Always remember God has a plan for your life and He knows what He is doing. Also you have to think of your children, they will never be the same. Look for God and tell HIm to help you through this. And just as separating or divorce is not an option, Suicdie is not an option either. AS far as your wife goes, It looks like the roles are completely reversed. You, as the man, should be the head of the houshold and looks like she completely controls you. She should submit herself to you.

Ephesians 5:23-24 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

You should try to talk to her and read this to her. Tell her you are not happy with the way things are. It looks like there is something bothering her as well. Always remember when you talk to her do not say you are ______. Sometime people do not llike to hear thing like that and she will be mad and not even listen to word you say. Just say I feel ______ and I am very sadden. I love you and I want to work things out with you. Is there something that is making you unhappy? This way you can hopefully come to a compromise. Once you are happy together in just a living situation than you can talk to het about your mother. There should be harm in sending her money as long as you talk to her about it before you do so. You do not want to do it behind her back because than she will not trust you. Maybe she is unhappy because she does everything in the house and cooks all the time. Maybe you should try helping her once in a while. I know it is uaulyy men work and women clean house and raise kids but times have changed and her job is basically 24 hours a day. She may need a break from here and there. Help her out a bit and maybe she will appreciate you more. I hope all is well with you. and may God give you words to speak when you talk to her.

First thing:

Give your life to God. Believe in Jesus, and only Him. Do not worship Mary. Separate from the Catholic Church and it's heresy. The Catholic Church won't help you. Go to a Protestant church that follows the Bible. Truly repent of all your sin and start a new life with Christ in your heart. Be baptized in the name of Jesus to show your new faith, without fearing your wife.

Next thing:

You are called to love your wife, as yourself, even as Christ loves the church. However I do not believe that means obeying her. That is not how Christ loves us -- he does not obey us. Be considerate of her in all your decisions. But you will have to make decisions. And do not let her stop you from doing whatever you know that God would want you to do. Of course you should call your mother!

My brother-in-law is in a similar situation. He seems to really believe in Jesus, and he hates Catholicism. But he won't go to a Protestant church, because he's afraid of his wife!!! I practically tried to drag him to church with me, and he wouldn't, because he's scared to death that it will cause problems between him and his wife.

I told him that he must love God over his wife!!!

And you too.

It's your choice.

I just speak truth to you, to try to help you. There is no other way -- if you want to follow God. You must be willing to lose whatever, including your wife. You'll have to somehow break out of this fear of your wife. Fear God, not her. Love God so much that you hate everything else in comparison.

You may not want to hear these things, but it's really the only way -- if you want God.

Your way is all misery anyway. If you want God's way, then I will try to help you personally, as I'm able. Just let me know.

RoboOp

Dear Fani and RoboOP and everybody else who prayed for me:

Thank you for your kindness. I am comforted by your concern. Fani's words are soft and RoboOP is strict. I still don't know where to go. I have no choice but to continue with the same path of feeling sad for myself, but I will not kill myself. Thank you so much Fani.

As Fani says my kids need me. I also believe my wife needs me. I didn't say it before. She is a very sincere person in her love for me. My problem with her is the money part. I thought maybe there is something I don't know in that regard. I still think I do not know how to deal with it. I am going to stubbornly love her and my family and Jesus. Loving the people who are not returning our love is what Jesus wants from us. That is how I understand.

I am also compelled to write this: the catholic church we are going to does not worship Mary. They believe in what I believe: the blood of Jesus wiped my sins clean. I am forever saved because of Jesus. All I need is to recognize that, and set my life on Jesus's path. Please do not think that I speak like a holy person. I am a regular sinner. I am selfish, greedy, proud and bad to many people. I sometimes think my greed is what made my wife love money so much. Dear RoboOP, please do not feel offended. The priest at our church asks us to be Jesus to one another every Sunday. I think that is what we must be to each other. But my wife and I are struggling at that. For her: she values money more than people, and I want some people sing my praise.

I bared my heart so you know what kind of person I am. Good or arrogant, I don't know. My wife says I am stubborn and always do what I want to do. With or without her consent I talk to "my people" and send money to them.

I have got some relief writing about it. But I believe your prayer for me will surely help. Please pray for me. Please ask our Lord to give me peace. Please ask Jesus to give me strength. I will pray for you and me.

Thank you so much.

nstar

nstar:

I believe my words are Biblical -- I really did get it all from the Bible. I will just add here that God has so much love to show you.

I know many Catholics say they don't worship Mary. But they do pray to Mary, at least that's what the Catholic church teaches them to do. And that is heresy. There is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Jesus. Those words are from the Bible, friend. I would not go to any church that teaches me to pray to anyone other than God through Jesus. For every moment that you're praying to Mary, you're not having complete total faith in Jesus, the one who shed his blood for you, the one who was a man, yet is also God, and is therefore the one and only bridge (or mediator) between you and God.

I told you that first simply because the very first thing, and most important thing, is to make sure that we know God. I can't say that you don't, but I was speaking in general about Catholicism.

The rest, well I already said it. I will just add that God loves you, and He can and will give you the strength to stand against your wife and anyone/anything that would try to deter you from obeying God, if you are willing to obey Him (even if it causes you to lose your wife).

nstar

im so sorry for your situation and how you are feeling! i will pray for you that everything works out for the best.

first and foremost, i think that you and your wife need to make God the focus of your relationship. If you focus on God, the fears she has about people asking for money or any other fears she may have about keeping social ties should fade away, because you will both learn to depend on God.

Although I do believe that she is in the wrong by not submitting to your authority, i also think that in order to be successful you may have to present the situation to her more gently than throwing the 'submit to me' scripture in her face. I would say make it a team effort, about how you should both try to focus on God more through your relationship.

i think its great that you have a gentle spirit and love and respect your wife, but sir God created you to lead! don't be scared to! God will give you the strength you need. don't give up!!

Good luck

Isa Masi Nstar,

I will try my best to be gentle, but also to be honest. If anything I say causes you distress or hurt, then please know that this is not my intent, and you have my sincere apologies.

You mention that your wife and yourself are Christians, yet I must ask you what that means to you. In reading your post, you talk of going to church on Sundays, but in both your own and your wife's actions, I do not see evidence of your following the commandments of Jesus Christ. I cannot know what is in your heart, especially not from such a short post, but God does.

If you desire to heal your relationship, and to have God hear your cries, then draw nearer to God. Seek after Him. Glorify him not only with your mouth, but with your thoughts and actions.

The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayers of the righteous (Pr 15:29)

Are you righteous? This does not mean that you go to church on Sunday and tithe regularly. This means, are you in a 'right' relationship with God. Are you in submission to him? Do you honour him as Lord as well as Saviour? Do you place His wishes and desires above your own? Do you know Him, love Him, and write his words upon your heart?

Do not worry first about your wife. First set yourself right before God.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Mt 6:33)

Your church may be part of the issue. It is not that Catholics cannot be Christians, but it is difficult, since the Catholic Church places many extra-scriptural obligations and requirements upon believers. I do know and respect some very 'Godly' Catholics, but the Catholic Church can be a huge stumbling block to knowing God.

No denomination is perfect though, and in the end it is not the denomination that gives us righteousness, but rather our faith and relationship with God. Faith comes through hearing the message, and the message comes through the words of Jesus Christ.

Faith is made complete in turn by our actions.

May the God of Abraham and Isaac, who is faithful, slow to anger and abounding in love. May He be with you and your wife, and guide you safely home. Amen

Amen Dragoon thank you for the good words for nstar.

so I was taking a break from posting in the forums but felt I HAD to post here because I identify with your wife. It is in my nature to be controlling and my husband is a gentle soul. If he did not put his foot down I could without really knowing it WALK all over him. You need to stand up and be the man that you are and take control of your houshold situation. Tell her all in one sitting... I just want you to know that you and my children will always be my #1 HOWEVER, with respect to my mother... i will phone her every day if I choose and i will send her as much money as I choose. You are well provided for and it is an act of christianity to provide for the poor, for widows and for the downtrodden. You may choose to not live your life in this way, but as for me, I will do as the Lord instructed and as my heart desires and help my family. If you have someone in your family who your heart is softened towards we will also look to assist them as well. But we will NOT have this discussion again and you will NOT hinder my relationship with my family. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS. In case you have forgotten I am the man and the provider of this blessed household & I will not have you dictating my relationship with my mother. say, how would you feel if "name your child" didnt have contact with you. every time she cuts in you need to say I"M NOT FINISHED SPEAKING. I mean it when I say you need to stand up in courage to your wife and be the leader of your household. If you allow her to walk all over you she will cause she's never been taken to task on it. You said she lives for you, as long as you sending money to your mother is not taking away from your food and shelter then I would do it with a willing heart and NOT in deception to your wife. I would write the cheque right in front of her on the Kitchen table. I know this goes contrary to your personality and would cause you great anxiety but you need to pray for the Lords strength and for the correct words in these issues. She's not going to like it, but please dont back down. Tell her I love you but this discussion is now over. when she brings it up again... i love you but this discussion is over. and every single time she trys to dig it up say I love you but i told you my position and you've had your position long enough. This discussion is over. I want you to keep in mind too your daily fellowship with the Lord. my husband also came from the Catholic church and as posted by Dragoon there tends to be a disconnect that is thinking that you have to go through the priest or the nuns on your behalf to the Lord. You can talk to the Lord ALL DAY & believe me he is listening to you. You sound like a wonderful soul & I pray that standing up doesnt cause too much conflict in your life. Please dont think those horrible thoughts of suicide. you are dwelling on this situation too much. Your beautiful Children need you & your mother needs NO MORE heartache. I'm not saying standing up isnt going to cause friction in your home but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Phil 4:13. If its not worth standing up for and resolving then dont, but you can not continue the way you are going.

Dear RoboOp, Dragoon9, ariannaa and imoss:
Thank you so much. I understand I've got to change so much. I will sincerely try.
It is so difficult for me to tell anyone anything. I hope God helpes me change my behavior.
nstar

his is so sad like a drama. In my opinion, you need to speak with her and say what is being your thoughts and disagreement of what she does.

As the head of family, you have obligation n duty to be a head of family and fix the errors happen. God teach us to love God and to love each other. its also said in the 5th commencement that you have to respect your "parents". Even though your mom never ask you for the money (no mom ask the kids' money), but she needs you as a Son. Specially when you are miles away from her. I agree one little words on her birthday will make her so happy. So its one of love practice. Tell her about the Christianity values of love and respectful to the elder. She needs to understand it. If not maybe you can ask marriages councilor for it.

Blessing.

Garet, this post is 9 years old.

On the other hand... whoa! Rob used to talk on here!


(Connection: Rob owns this site, and I haven't seen him talk in a thread in the entire time I've been on here. lol)

You seem to have isolated the problem right here. It would also seem from her actions towards you that she is not even saved. So your first priority (if you are in fellowship in a church) is to arrange a private meeting with your pastor or elders and lay out everything before them (requesting strict confidence). Someone needs to talk to your wife about her relationship to Christ. If she gets saved, someone also needs to disciple both of you so that you both understand what God has said regarding the roles of husbands and wives.

So rather than think of committing suicide, make up your mind to BE A MAN and take the initiative. God says that Christian women are to be in submission to their husbands, not the other way around. Hopefully the situation will get resolved so that your marriage is a blessing.

listen very hard, and He, Jesus Christ will tell you a secret, IF you are willing to hear...