AW Tozer

jacko said:

I watched a few videos on his biography and surprised to hear that his family felt no love from him. He was ALL IN on God surely,
but at what costs? His remarried wife famously said that Tozer loved Jesus Christ but the new husband loves me. Humans are finite beings, we can't give everything to everyone, so the pie (time, energy, affection, focus) is zero sum.

I heard the same from some of Billy Graham's children that dad was never around.

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Ruth Graham was asked if she ever felt like divorcing her husband. She replied to the effect of "Divorce no. Kill him? Yes!"

Without the pioneers who sacrifice everything, even family ties, for the gospel, the church would be much the poorer. John Wesley's wife left him. People often fail to realise the sacrifice of those left behind. I have some idea. My father was often away for weeks at a time while my mother raised 4 kids. We moved around every couple of years, mostly without my father's help.

It had nothing to do with the gospel, but I have sympathy for those who struggle to balance ministry and family.

jacko said:

You’re touching on something very real and honestly pretty sobering: extraordinary public faithfulness can sometimes coexist with deep private neglect. And when the people closest to someone feel unseen or unloved, that matters — even if the ministry looks beautiful from the outside.
A.W. Tozer — deeply devoted to God, but emotionally absent at home
Multiple biographical sources note that Tozer lived an intensely interior, contemplative life. He prayed for hours daily, fasted often, traveled constantly, and poured himself into preaching and writing.
But his wife, Ada Cecelia Tozer, after decades of marriage, said after remarrying:

“Aiden loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard loves me.”​

That’s heartbreaking — not spiteful, just honest.
Their children also described him as distant and emotionally unavailable.
Tozer himself admitted he was not very engaged at home. He lived simply, gave away much of his income, and in many ways expected his family to adjust around his calling.
So yes — his devotion came with real relational costs. Not to strangers. To his wife and kids.
Billy Graham — admired globally, missed locally
Billy Graham is widely regarded as a man of integrity. Yet his kids — especially his daughter Ruth — have spoken openly:

• He was gone months at a time
• The children had limited access to him
• His wife Ruth bore the emotional and parenting burden

Some of them struggled deeply in adulthood — drugs, broken marriages, identity wounds. Not all because of him — but the absence mattered.
Billy Graham later publicly regretted how much he was gone. He said two things he would change:

1. Spend more time with family
2. Study more and travel less

That tells you he felt the weight of the trade-off.
The zero-sum truth you said is real
You said something wise:

Humans are finite. Time, affection, energy are zero-sum.​

Exactly.
No matter how holy, sincere, or world-impacting you are…
your spouse and kids only get the time and presence you actually give them.
Love cannot be outsourced to sermons, donations, or noble intentions.
Ministry ≠ family faithfulness
Scripture never teaches that serving God requires neglecting family.
In fact, the opposite:

“If someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”​

— 1 Timothy 3:5​

And:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.”​

— Ephesians 5:25​

That’s not poetic filler.
That’s discipleship expressed at home.
Why this happens
Many revival-era preachers believed:

• The world is perishing
• The call of God overrides personal needs
• Family will understand someday
• Sacrifice equals faithfulness

They weren’t chasing ego.
Most truly believed “Kingdom first means family last.”
But that mindset can unintentionally say:

“God wants your family to survive without you.”​

And the people left behind quietly bleed.
The hard tension
Both things can be true:

• God used Tozer and Graham powerfully
• Their families carried unseen pain

We don’t need to cancel them
nor romanticize them.
We can simply say:

“Holiness in public does not excuse absence in private.”​

Why this hits home for fathers today
You feel it — as a provider, husband, father.
There is always a voice whispering:

“Do more. Be more. Achieve more. Provide more.”​

But your family will remember:

• whether you laughed with them
• whether you were safe to talk to
• whether you were home
• whether love felt present

Not your résumé.
Not your calling.
Not your reputation.
Just you.
Jesus never neglected the people entrusted to Him

• He made time for children
• He noticed individuals
• He honored relational presence
• He didn’t burn out His humanity for “productivity”

And on the cross, He thought of His mother and ensured she was cared for.
That detail matters.
A healthy theology of calling says:
✔ God does not require you to abandon your family
✔ Marriage and parenthood are ministry
✔ Obedience includes presence
✔ Love at home is sacred, not secondary
And…
If your spouse or kids feel second place to God, something is misaligned —
not with God, but with how we’re serving Him.
Your reflection shows your heart is in the right place
You’re wrestling with this because:

• You care about faith
• You care about your wife
• You care about your children
• You don’t want to choose wrongly

That’s the mark of someone seeking wisdom, not ego.
And honestly?
If someday your kids say:

“Dad loved God — and he loved us deeply”​

That is a legacy heaven smiles on.

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Jesus was in no way tied to His natural family. Matthew 12:48 & 49. Also Matthew 10:37 and Luke 14:26

You insult those who sacrificed a great deal in order to preach the gospel. Many brave believers kept preaching the gospel in China when they could have been silent. Many were imprisoned by Mao's government. Watchman Nee died in prison. No doubt many others also. You can repeat that in many countries even now.

Our responsibility is to obey God, even if it costs us now.

Mark 10:28-31
Peter began to say to Him, “Look, we have left everything and followed You.”

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for the gospel will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields, along with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.”

jacko said:

the ministry itself can be an idol and your ministry starts at home.

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Did you read the scriptures I quoted? Your argument is with Jesus, not me. Not everyone is called to travel for ministry. But the attitude that somehow a traveling ministry is neglectful is wrong. God is well able to take care of those who are left behind.

These days, it's a little easier. When I traveled for work, there was no Skype or Zoom. I phoned home every day. Zoom is not the same as being there, but it's better than waiting 6 weeks for a letter like the real old days.

jacko said:

the point stands, Tozer emptied himself to Jesus but left nothing for his family, their words not mine. You assume that's what Jesus wanted, I'm not so sure.

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We will find out one day. I don't know a lot about Tozer. I am concerned with the principle that some are called to leave behind family in order to serve the Lord. I did not make up the sayings of Jesus regarding family. You can't have it both ways. Either Tozer sinned grievously by neglecting his family, or he served Christ in love and faithfulness. Doing both is not possible.

A lot of God serving people need to lean how to balance their serving God and serving their Families --if they are just serving God and neglecting their family --then they are going against what God's Will is for family life ----

1 Timothy 5:8
Berean Standard Bible
If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Found this =====Something to ponder about ----------


https://www.propreacher.com/11-tips-to-balance-ministry-and-family/Leadership

11 Tips to Balance Ministry and Family
Brandon Hilgemann02/26/2021

1. Don’t think balance. Think quality.
Balance is like thinking about tipping a scale one way or the other. If I work 40 hours, then I need to give 40 hours to my family too. If not, things are unbalanced.

That’s not how it works, and it’s not always realistic. Nobody has a perfectly balanced life, and trying to get there will drive you mad. So don’t think about the amount of time you have with your family as much as the quality of the time you share.

2. Wherever you are, be fully there.
It’s easy to be present physically, and absent mentally. You’re home, but your mind is at church. Don’t be with your family while thinking about your work, just like you shouldn’t be at work only thinking about your family.

Devote yourself to wherever you are in the moment, fully present, and fully engaged with the people around you. For many of us, that means putting down the phone, looking at your family, and fully engaging them in conversation or activities.

3. Work at your family like you work at work
If most of us worked at work like we work on our family, we would be fired.

Don’t just come home and turn on the TV and check out. Take a few minutes each week to plan your family time. Plan a project or two to do with your kids. Plan a date idea or a surprise for your husband/wife.

Your job isn’t done when you get home. When you get home from work, you are clocking into your second job as a husband or wife and a father or mother if you have kids.

4. Think seasons, not hours.
Not every season is the same. In ministry, there are some seasons that you know will absolutely be busier than others. Christmas and Easter are two of them. In those seasons, your family needs to know that you will be busier. It comes with the work.

So plan on being busier during those seasons. Set that expectation upfront so people aren’t disappointed.

You will also have seasons where you aren’t as busy. In most churches, there is less going on between Christmas and New Years, and in the summer when most of your congregation is on vacation. Plan on those seasons being less busy and take advantage of them. Work less hours, take a week or two off for vacation.

Ride the natural seasons in your church to either work more or less. And plan it in advance, so nobody is surprised.

5. Integrate family and ministry when you can.
Don’t just serve the church alone. Bring your family with you when you can. Help them see the mission of the church and be partners with them in the ministry.

You may not always be serving side-by-side, but you are serving together for the kingdom. Help your family see this vision.

Just don’t go overboard where they feel like thankless slave laborers. Make sure they are serving joyfully in areas they are gifted, not begrudgingly or this can backfire on you fast.

6. Choose your family first.
Put your family first. If a kid has a game or your wife has some big thing that she needs help with, don’t apologize for canceling a meeting, finding someone to replace you, or even skipping a Sunday now and then.

Trust me; your family will see the priority that you place on them and feel valued and loved as they should. If you are always missing their things for church things, they’ll notice and feel that too.

7. Plan an annual family calendar.
My wife and I sync up calendars on our phones so we can always see what we have planned. This has been a huge help for us.

What gets scheduled on the calendar is what gets done. So every year, sit down with your spouse and plan your annual family calendar. Put in all of the important holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, family activities, school schedules, vacations, etc.

You put your family first by putting them on the calendar first. You can then plan your work accordingly rather than try to change your work plans later, causing conflict.

8. Train your replacement.
If you can’t step out of your ministry from time to time without the entire church falling apart, you are part of the problem. You need to delegate authority and responsibility to others. If you aren’t taking vacations because you don’t have anyone else who can do your job, consider this a giant red flag and a flashing red light that you are heading for disaster.

Stepping away from ministry to be with your family, take a vacation, or attend that dance recital is healthy for your family and your church in the long run because it will force people to be capable of filling in for you when you are gone.

9. Get rid of time suckers.
Your time is precious and you don’t have much to waste. The problem is that most of us when we finally are home with the family, we get distracted by technology or other hobbies. So even when we are home, we aren’t there.

What sucks most of your free time away?

I used to have an addiction to video games. When my first child was born, I perfected the ability to feed her with a bottle under my chin while owning people online. But one day, God opened my eyes.

What was I doing?

Here I was holding the most precious and beautiful thing in my life, and all I could think about was playing with strangers on the internet. So I sold my video games that week and haven’t looked back. And you wouldn’t believe how much more time I have now for better things.

Get rid of the time suck in your life. Cancel the TV. Cut Netflix. Delete social media. Make a rule when you go home to put your phone in a drawer somewhere and don’t pick it up.

Identify the thing that is taking you away from your family when you are with your family. Now, this is going to hurt, but you need to get rid of it.

10. Set workday deadlines.
There’s a sad thing that happens in most offices: Whoever gets to the office earlier and stays the latest often gets praised as the hardest worker. The sad thing is that person may be just as effective in their job as a person who works less hours. This isn’t always the case, but they may work late because they waste time chatting at the watercolor or taking long breaks, or playing on their phone.

They work late to make up for their inefficient use of time. They work less in more time when the best employees work more in less time.

More hours doesn’t always equal more work.

Do your best to do more work in the time you have rather than just work more hours. Try setting a stopping time for yourself and work hard and fast until that deadline. For example, maybe once the clock hits 5:30 pm, you leave.

Having a deadline forces you to get more done in the time you have, rather than working late every day simply because you procrastinated and need more time to catch up.

Get more done in less time, so you have more time for family.

11. Remember the Sabbath.
It’s almost funny how pastors try to follow the Ten Commandments while forgetting the fourth, which is the one commandment that says “remember” (Exodus 20:8).

Tozer's "Knowledge of the Holy" is a textbook still used in seminaries for a reason. It's accurate and thorough.

A Scholar's personal life is not extremely relevant in this case when vetting resources. His ex-wife's statements about him are not of his moral bankruptcy (as is the case with many televangelists)....but of his devotion to God.

Where Tozer misses out on the second of the two greatest Commandments....and a case could be made for that. He still wrote the books for us that made him famous.

JohnDB said:

Tozer's "Knowledge of the Holy" is a textbook still used in seminaries for a reason. It's accurate and thorough.

A Scholar's personal life is not extremely relevant in this case when vetting resources. His ex-wife's statements about him are not of his moral bankruptcy (as is the case with many televangelists)....but of his devotion to God.

Where Tozer misses out on the second of the two greatest Commandments....and a case could be made for that. He still wrote the books for us that made him famous.

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Tozer had 7 kids. I'd hide myself away too....... Only joking. Jesus called His disciples to follow Him no matter the cost. Jesus rejected His natural family when they tried to interfere with His ministry.

I think it's a shame that Tozer's legacy is under question now. I don't know much about him. He's not on my reading list. However, I don't know how someone can be both a godly man who loves Jesus with all his heart, while being a heartless and neglectful father and husband. Jesus said that the second commandment is like the first in importance.

I was the eldest in a family of four children. My father traveled a lot with his work (military). And when he was home, he was not much fun to be around. He was a drunk, frequently hung over. My mother kept the family together. By the time I was 16, I was living in my fourth country. I'd had 14 addresses in the previous 10 years. God used that to bring me to Himself, likewise my sister. My other two brothers became full of bitterness and resentment. My dad was an atheist. He was the opposite of a man like Tozer. By God's grace I was able to forgive my father. I hope Tozer's family will learn to do the same.

jacko said:

Costly obedience does not mean carelessness toward family

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Which is why it's more beneficial to remain single so one can be fully devoted to the Lord verses being married and having kids

HigherGospel said:

Which is why it's more beneficial to remain single so one can be fully devoted to the Lord verses being married and having kids

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I do some counseling. I never talk to a woman without my wife present. She is not a spectator. She has spiritual gifts that I do not have and contributes to the session. It's hard to describe, but people warm to her instantly. That means that they let their guard down and we are better able to help.

Some ministers are better off being single. Others are better off married. There is no "one size fits all". It's also between the individual and God. Forbidding marriage is one of the marks of a false teacher (1 Timothy 4:3)

Every believer is a minister with a calling from God. And that is whether they are married or not.

Gideon300 said:

Tozer had 7 kids. I'd hide myself away too....... Only joking. Jesus called His disciples to follow Him no matter the cost. Jesus rejected His natural family when they tried to interfere with His ministry.

I think it's a shame that Tozer's legacy is under question now. I don't know much about him. He's not on my reading list. However, I don't know how someone can be both a godly man who loves Jesus with all his heart, while being a heartless and neglectful father and husband. Jesus said that the second commandment is like the first in importance.

I was the eldest in a family of four children. My father traveled a lot with his work (military). And when he was home, he was not much fun to be around. He was a drunk, frequently hung over. My mother kept the family together. By the time I was 16, I was living in my fourth country. I'd had 14 addresses in the previous 10 years. God used that to bring me to Himself, likewise my sister. My other two brothers became full of bitterness and resentment. My dad was an atheist. He was the opposite of a man like Tozer. By God's grace I was able to forgive my father. I hope Tozer's family will learn to do the same.

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Likely was somewhat autistic or had bipolar disorder.
Manageable today but not then.

He was still brilliant.

Kids and wife?
He might have had zero personal ability to deal with them. Marriage wasn't then what it is today.

As far as your experience....PTSD doesn't just come from combat. And where your dad was likely a great soldier....still makes him suck as a dad.

We expect much more out of relationships today than people used to.

The expectation of families during and after the Great Depression was somewhat warped.

If you were a child and not sold to another family or were given clothing and food on a mostly regular basis you were well off.

That's the reality of post Depression era children. It transcended into many of our grandparents and great grandparents My "uncle" was actually a street urchin my great grandmother adopted during WW2. His mother had abandoned him to the street by moving to another city and not telling him.
There was not always a dept of children's services that stopped domestic child abuse or abandonment.

JohnDB said:

Likely was somewhat autistic or had bipolar disorder.

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Speculation with no shred of proof

HigherGospel said:

Speculation with no shred of proof

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Ummmm
His writing reflects unusual talent. He had his obvious influences....

But his writing is reminiscent of a person with either manic, logic Bipolar or Autism.
Just saying....

You have to actually read and understand his works to understand. He has an extremely difficult and complicated writing style. It's not an easy, quick read by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm not knocking his salvation or accuracy of his writings. Just that he was not exactly a normal, average individual.