Alright. It is taught that marriage is the first human institution designed and ordained by God, and just to clarify, this does NOT mean that everybody must get married, this is NOT an order, as most boomers and Gen Xers believe from their lived experience. Rather, it is a descriptive statement, that on a collective level, in any given human culture, family is the basic unit, and marriage is a fundational organization, even in the indigenous tribes in Amazon jungle or African savanna. As much as Adam and Eve are the ancestors of ALL mankind, not just born-again Christians or orthodox Jews, marriage is just what most human beings are hardwired to do.
Now if you ask what exactly is this design, the most common response you'll get is Gen. 2:24 - "man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." This was quoted by Jesus in Matt. 19:5, in that context, Pharisees asked Him about the legality of no fault divorce, and he schooled them with the orginal design of marriage.
Now here's the kicker. If you read this verse carefully, it states, "be joined to his WIFE" - not soul mate, not girlfriend, not even fiancee, but WIFE, so it only applies to already married couple. When you're ALREADY married, it means that societally, economically and legally, you're no longer a part of your parents' household, you and your spouse are a new independent household. "Two become one flesh" means one thing and one thing only - consummation of marriage in the bedroom. This interpretation is based on 1 Cor. 6:12, in which apostle Paul warned that if you screw a harlot, you "become one flesh with her," also quoting Gen. 2:24. In that case, you don't leave your parents and marry her, nonetheless sexual intercouse has this emotionally bonding power, even though you only have sex with a hooker whom you barely know, you still become one flesh with her.
So it begs the question - how did you get married in the first place? Unfortunately, this is ignored by most Christians, including pastors and theologians, because there's no valid biblical instruction on dating, a relatively modern invention. The best advice they could offer is "dating a fellow born again Christian," but how do you know your partner is really born again, and what do you do when such a partner doesn't exist at all? The solution is to sutbly change Gen 2:24 with a modern romantic twist - "man shall be joined to his other half, and the two shall get married," assuming there is an "other half" for everyone, and only can you be complete and happy when you are united with your other half. But if you read the whole chapter, the real answer is in the previous verses:
"It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Gen. 2:18)
"the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man." (Gen. 2:22)
Here're the three key points that are qutie a shock to modern minds: 1. God determined that it was not good for Adam to be alone, Adam didn't complain for being alone, he didn't ask God for a mate; 2. God made an equal partner "comparable" to Adam, not superior or inferior, which means neither a girl boss or a sex slave; 3. God brought Eve to Adam and joined them together. In essence, this was known as a betrothal, the ancient equivalent of obtaining a marriage license, marriage was determined, negotiated and arranged for you by your parents, a professional match maker or other offical, and usually done when you were a teenager; and when you do get married, you get a large amount of dowry as both a startup investment and an early inheritance.
This is the "cornorstone" model of marriage, that you start with marriage as a foundation, then you pursue your other life goals from there. But in that flawed understanding mentioned above, design for marriage is changed into design for dating, which is often against all three key points: YOU determined it's not good for you to be alone; YOU seek a partner based on look, feeling and status instead of shared faith and values; YOU go present yourself to them. And this has turned the cornorstone model into a "capstone" model, that after you have achieved every other goals - career, fame, house, you attract a mate with your achievements and top it off with marriage.
And this is why modern dating is quite a disaster, modern relationship is stressful and modern marriage is unhappy. They are fundemantally against God's design for marriage. I'm not saying this to advocate for arranged marriage, although it may work for lots of people, at least your parents or professional matchmakers are more reliable than any dating app. The obvious and convenient alternative, though, is laid out in Matt. 19:11-12:
But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
Translation in modern English: asexual, incel and volcel. Marriage, relationship and kids are certainly blessings, but not for everyone. If you struggle with singleness and loneliness, that is essentially a grief over unmet expectations. And like all other griefs, you go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually you accept reality and get used to it.
PS: The reason that propelled me to write this is to rebuke the rampant idolatry of marriage and the marginalization of singles in almost every church, regardless of denomination. It was originally the churches' response to the sexual revolution and "free love" movement in the late 60s, but it had slowly morphed into a variant of prosperity gospel, now commonly known as "sexual prosperity gospel", "relational prosperity gospel" or "purity culture", it teaches or implies that God will reward your faith and dedication with a godly partner, good relationship and hot sex. You probably have heard the slogans ad nauseam - "sex is sanctified only within marriage," "true love waits," "save myself for marriage;" but in the listeners' ears, it's turned into a deal - "marriage is just a license to have sex;" "if I wait, I will have true love;" "if I save my virginity I will marry my cinderella/prince charming." Furthermore, this gives you the impression of work based salvation - salvation through Jesus PLUS marriage; salvation through Jesus PLUS spousal intimacy; salvation through Jesus PLUS kids; This kind of false advertising has mislead more than a generation, it must be exposed and stopped. Everybody is born as a single, nobody is entitled to a partner, singleness is not merely a "staging period" or "preparing period" for marriage because such an equally yoked partner for you may not exist, singleness by and of itself should be valued and appreciated as a spiritual gift.
Now if you ask what exactly is this design, the most common response you'll get is Gen. 2:24 - "man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." This was quoted by Jesus in Matt. 19:5, in that context, Pharisees asked Him about the legality of no fault divorce, and he schooled them with the orginal design of marriage.
Now here's the kicker. If you read this verse carefully, it states, "be joined to his WIFE" - not soul mate, not girlfriend, not even fiancee, but WIFE, so it only applies to already married couple. When you're ALREADY married, it means that societally, economically and legally, you're no longer a part of your parents' household, you and your spouse are a new independent household. "Two become one flesh" means one thing and one thing only - consummation of marriage in the bedroom. This interpretation is based on 1 Cor. 6:12, in which apostle Paul warned that if you screw a harlot, you "become one flesh with her," also quoting Gen. 2:24. In that case, you don't leave your parents and marry her, nonetheless sexual intercouse has this emotionally bonding power, even though you only have sex with a hooker whom you barely know, you still become one flesh with her.
So it begs the question - how did you get married in the first place? Unfortunately, this is ignored by most Christians, including pastors and theologians, because there's no valid biblical instruction on dating, a relatively modern invention. The best advice they could offer is "dating a fellow born again Christian," but how do you know your partner is really born again, and what do you do when such a partner doesn't exist at all? The solution is to sutbly change Gen 2:24 with a modern romantic twist - "man shall be joined to his other half, and the two shall get married," assuming there is an "other half" for everyone, and only can you be complete and happy when you are united with your other half. But if you read the whole chapter, the real answer is in the previous verses:
"It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." (Gen. 2:18)
"the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man." (Gen. 2:22)
Here're the three key points that are qutie a shock to modern minds: 1. God determined that it was not good for Adam to be alone, Adam didn't complain for being alone, he didn't ask God for a mate; 2. God made an equal partner "comparable" to Adam, not superior or inferior, which means neither a girl boss or a sex slave; 3. God brought Eve to Adam and joined them together. In essence, this was known as a betrothal, the ancient equivalent of obtaining a marriage license, marriage was determined, negotiated and arranged for you by your parents, a professional match maker or other offical, and usually done when you were a teenager; and when you do get married, you get a large amount of dowry as both a startup investment and an early inheritance.
This is the "cornorstone" model of marriage, that you start with marriage as a foundation, then you pursue your other life goals from there. But in that flawed understanding mentioned above, design for marriage is changed into design for dating, which is often against all three key points: YOU determined it's not good for you to be alone; YOU seek a partner based on look, feeling and status instead of shared faith and values; YOU go present yourself to them. And this has turned the cornorstone model into a "capstone" model, that after you have achieved every other goals - career, fame, house, you attract a mate with your achievements and top it off with marriage.
And this is why modern dating is quite a disaster, modern relationship is stressful and modern marriage is unhappy. They are fundemantally against God's design for marriage. I'm not saying this to advocate for arranged marriage, although it may work for lots of people, at least your parents or professional matchmakers are more reliable than any dating app. The obvious and convenient alternative, though, is laid out in Matt. 19:11-12:
But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”
Translation in modern English: asexual, incel and volcel. Marriage, relationship and kids are certainly blessings, but not for everyone. If you struggle with singleness and loneliness, that is essentially a grief over unmet expectations. And like all other griefs, you go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually you accept reality and get used to it.
PS: The reason that propelled me to write this is to rebuke the rampant idolatry of marriage and the marginalization of singles in almost every church, regardless of denomination. It was originally the churches' response to the sexual revolution and "free love" movement in the late 60s, but it had slowly morphed into a variant of prosperity gospel, now commonly known as "sexual prosperity gospel", "relational prosperity gospel" or "purity culture", it teaches or implies that God will reward your faith and dedication with a godly partner, good relationship and hot sex. You probably have heard the slogans ad nauseam - "sex is sanctified only within marriage," "true love waits," "save myself for marriage;" but in the listeners' ears, it's turned into a deal - "marriage is just a license to have sex;" "if I wait, I will have true love;" "if I save my virginity I will marry my cinderella/prince charming." Furthermore, this gives you the impression of work based salvation - salvation through Jesus PLUS marriage; salvation through Jesus PLUS spousal intimacy; salvation through Jesus PLUS kids; This kind of false advertising has mislead more than a generation, it must be exposed and stopped. Everybody is born as a single, nobody is entitled to a partner, singleness is not merely a "staging period" or "preparing period" for marriage because such an equally yoked partner for you may not exist, singleness by and of itself should be valued and appreciated as a spiritual gift.
