Truly Desperate...

"I pray you come to find spiritual rest. Let us pray to practice
discipline in the hope of coming to know of this spiritual peace and rest.
Let us pray the Holy Spirit comes upon this life with the needed discipline."
'Amen'

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I am asking for help, so I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

Hello, everyone.

I know I'm not a regular poster around here, so most of you probably don't know me at all. But since most of us are likely followers of Jesus, I have to believe there's some kind of spiritual bond between us in heavenly places.

I'm writing this post as an all-out plea, because over the past several years I've lost more people than I care to think about. My Grandma died in 2013, my Mom from lung cancer in 2015, and my Dad from Alzheimer's in 2021. Most of my younger family members won't speak to me at all, and the one cousin I'm very close to was recently placed on hospice for colon cancer. On top of that, the one woman I've ever loved romantically broke my heart several times over, and has now become a cold, distant shell of the loving person she once was. I feel so lonely, abandoned, and manipulated. My very core is broken, and I have repeatedly blamed God for these things even though I know its wrong to do so. I cry out to Him so many times every day, begging Him to change me and take this pain away. I've surrendered to various temporary sins so many times, mainly from desperation to feel anything other than the hellish nightmare which dominates my mind and heart. I have people from my church who I know care about me, and I'm grateful to God for them, but even they don't know the bulk of what I go through every day. Having both epilepsy and Asperger's Syndrome means I spend so much time alone, and also gives me an insanely reactionary and obsessive mind. My thoughts and emotions are constantly like volatile chemicals, each one threatening to destroy everything if the balance becomes too unstable. I was largely undiagnosed as a child, so my family never knew how to help me. And while I'm sure at some point my ex-girlfriend did truly love me to start with, she had a ton of her own issues that got between us on a regular basis. I'm not trying to excuse my sins or justify my pain, but I am asking for help, so I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

Are you ok?

Hello, everyone.

I know I'm not a regular poster around here, so most of you probably don't know me at all. But since most of us are likely followers of Jesus, I have to believe there's some kind of spiritual bond between us in heavenly places.

I'm writing this post as an all-out plea, because over the past several years I've lost more people than I care to think about. My Grandma died in 2013, my Mom from lung cancer in 2015, and my Dad from Alzheimer's in 2021. Most of my younger family members won't speak to me at all, and the one cousin I'm very close to was recently placed on hospice for colon cancer. On top of that, the one woman I've ever loved romantically broke my heart several times over, and has now become a cold, distant shell of the loving person she once was. I feel so lonely, abandoned, and manipulated. My very core is broken, and I have repeatedly blamed God for these things even though I know its wrong to do so. I cry out to Him so many times every day, begging Him to change me and take this pain away. I've surrendered to various temporary sins so many times, mainly from desperation to feel anything other than the hellish nightmare which dominates my mind and heart. I have people from my church who I know care about me, and I'm grateful to God for them, but even they don't know the bulk of what I go through every day. Having both epilepsy and Asperger's Syndrome means I spend so much time alone, and also gives me an insanely reactionary and obsessive mind. My thoughts and emotions are constantly like volatile chemicals, each one threatening to destroy everything if the balance becomes too unstable. I was largely undiagnosed as a child, so my family never knew how to help me. And while I'm sure at some point my ex-girlfriend did truly love me to start with, she had a ton of her own issues that got between us on a regular basis. I'm not trying to excuse my sins or justify my pain, but I am asking for help, so I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Heavenly Father and Creator, have mercy upon your servant Joshua. Comfort him in his loneliness, show him the right way to find fulfilment for his needs and the way to follow You in his situation. Grant him wisdom to give thanks to You for every good thing that he enjoys, teach him to be patient and to put all his trust in You, Your Providence and care. May he give thanks to You and praise You forever and ever. In Jesus Christ's name, amen.

I'm doing a little better, compared to a few weeks ago. When I wrote my initial post, I purposely omitted the fact that I had re-embraced a porn addiction from my youth, not from any hate toward God but from desperation. It was only recently that I finally quit, and while the past week has not been easy (corrupt memories truly suck), God has given me the strength to avoid going back so far.