How Can One Pick Up on Red Flag Levels of Addiction/Mental Illness, Especially Online?

Hey Everyone,

This is something I've been thinking about for years, and I'm sure we've talked about it in the past. I thought of this when a young man in a recent chat said he was thinking of cutting off a woman he'd met online who was giving "crazy", but was also very good-looking, which made him hesitant.

I have often wondered how singles detect possibly serious red flags with those they meet, especially since so many of us are meeting people online.

Let me first say that I am NOT IN ANY WAY saying people with addictions or mental struggles are undatable. NOT AT ALL. I myself have been clinically diagnosed (and treated) for depression in the past, so I consider MYSELF to be someone who fits in that category. Personally, I think I might have a touch of bipolar disorder rather than just depression, and I often wonder if I have a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder in some areas. But I've never gone for any further diagnosis and my point is just to say that I certainly don't think I'm exempt. I also fight an addiction to sugar, as I could easily consume all-sugar products all day, every day, which often feels like an uphill battle.

But what I'm talking about here are the warning signs of things that might have a serious impact. There have been several times on CC when we've had posters who display very erratic behavior (one man several years ago would write super-spiritual posts, then suddenly say things like, "I don't need Jesus because I know karate," and awkwardly hit on a woman in the forum basically saying, "Hey babe, want to hook up sometime?")

He later confessed that he had a drinking problem, and would often spend time on CC while he was going on drinking binges. I've seen this several other times over the years, with other examples of a user admitted to doing meth while posting, and others who said they were off their meds and this is why they were going off the rails. Then there are other times when I've been friends with those who have suffered through being stalked or harassed in private by people who put up the the most proper spiritual image online.

I want to emphasize once again that I am NOT trying to judge, criticize, or dismiss anyone who struggles with these things. But something I've learned about myself over time is that there are some cases in which I would be in WAY over my head and am not equipped to deal with certain extremities. Therefore, I would have to distance myself and limit or cut off contact with that person.

I'm not on dating sites anymore but when I was, men often criticized and cut me down because I wouldn't give them my phone number for a very long time, if ever. They would call me immature and paranoid, and I understand their frustration -- but I did this because I'd witnessed other people having to change their phone numbers multiple times or even have to get restraining orders -- all because of talking to someone online. I have no regrets for my decisions. I've never had to change my number because of someone else a single time. And I just prayed that if God wanted me to meet someone, he would understand and be patient with me.

I also know many people, both guys and girls, who are simply trying to be friendly and will chat people up, but some people, dying for any little remnant of attention from the opposite sex, interpret this as true, undying, "I MUST HAVE YOU" love -- then go to extremes of not taking no for an answer, nor will they give up.

* How does one protect themselves from such situations?

* What are some warning signs you've seen, or realized, over time, and what did you do?

* How can we keep those we love (children, teens, even parents/grandparents who might be dating) safe?

* How do you balance protecting yourself (and others), while being open to meeting new people?

May God bless everyone out there and keep you safe, always!

I’m a walking red flag myself. I have decided not to make anybody suffer from being with me before I have handled my own issues. Maybe it’ll take a few years, maybe it’ll take a lifetime, but I can’t make anybody else solve MY problems.

I love your honesty, Jenny. I wish we lived closer to each other -- I'd convince you to go out to coffee or lunch and we'd make jokes and have a grand old time!

I find your posts to be inspirational and are a good reminder for me to take a long, hard look at myself, too. Not many people are willing to say, "It's NOT everyone else, it's ME," and really mean it.

Sometimes when I want to be quick to whine to God about why I don't have such and such, or why I seem to be lacking X, Y, and Z...

Maybe the answer is literally staring me right in the face -- as I look in the mirror wondering, "WHY?"

Well I think one of the biggest red flags that covers a multitude of issues is if the other party shows an inclination to disrespect or aggressively pressuring you. If this person is someone who cares about you then your mental and emotional well being is important to them, even if it takes you twice as long as any other girl to give your phone number out, or you want to wait a bit longer on the first kiss, or you are terrified to try just about anything new and so won't go skiing with them. So I think big big red flag #1 is if the person seems more concerned with themselves and what they can get out of the relationship than with knowing you and bearing with your less endearing quirks (doesn't mean they'll never challenge you and push you to grow, but they aren't going to be prone to anger and frustration with you and just trying to get you in line with what they want).

The second big red flag is inconsistency. If they're not acting like themselves and don't want to give you at least a basic reason (like I just got some bad news, or work is really stressful this week), listen to those little warning bells in your head. Especially if that seems to happen on a recurring basis. Also if their personal story keeps changing in its details or they make comments inconsistent with it. My example of this is I remember someone I knew was contemplating a move to be with her Dad who she'd only just met as an adult and he was talking up all his successes and she should come because he could provide for her... and then he said something about and finding a job will be easy because you don't have a criminal record. And coming from a higher class family than she did, that comment struck me as odd because the really good jobs I know usually have more qualifications than not having a criminal record and that's not something I would ever say to a young person seeking a job. And it turns out that he wasn't really any better off than her family, which was disappointing for her but that and being out some money was the worst of it for her.

And after that, I'd strongly advise getting to know the other person's community before making any life altering decisions. It may not be possible in every case, but most of the time before you get engaged you should be able to travel to where the other person is to get to know their family and church and friends and to see if they're the same person in real life that you think them to be. Abusers like to isolate people from their supports, so make sure the other party is willing to interact with your supporters and that those supporters approve of your significant other. And if they see things you don't, listen to them.

About ignoring red flags because a person is hot, all I can think of is an old Ben Glover song about dancing with a cactus.

Sometimes it's not even because they're good-looking -- sometimes it's just because the person is desperate not to be alone.

I'm sure many of us -- myself at least -- have had way too many dances with these cactuses.

Some of them weren't even people, but all things we thought would be fulfilling, even though they were covered in spikes.

"How's your mamma and them?" Is not a trick question.

If they mention that they want you to meet their parole officer so that someone will finally say something nice about them.

No career plans that go beyond what a GED will prItinerant...IE no job skills or unstable income and no retirement plan.

Itenerant. (I'm itenerant but got trapped for 30+years)

Zero community involvement (including church, clubs, and etc) and no friend groups.

Now they may talk too much about a single incident with a single friend repeatedly but they have no other friends at all and it's up to you to notice they don't have friends.

HOW do they talk about others. Is everyone out to "destroy" or hurt them in some fashion? Or are they foolish "suckers"? Are conversations a competition of sorts?

Any one thing is a red flag...but if there are 3 or more....that's it....get a restraining order.

Red hair ?

😁

I know it. Red heads are so lovely that you literally ignore everything except how pretty they are

Whoops! I have a red flag! Who'da thunk?

Well, different people have different lists. For some people it's a red flag that I don't drink. They think it's impossible for me to be any fun at all.

There are those who think it's a red flag that I'm not depressed, because how can you possibly not be depressed in a world like this? I gotta be hiding something, they think.

So yeah... Not having a college education or training as a welder, I'll take that red flag. My income has been stable for decades.

I am guilty of that mistake. I used to have a girlfriend who had red hair. Everyone found her attractive.

You really have to get to know someone during stressful, tough times to learn how they respond under those circumstances.
I've met very nice redheads that went on to be like any other normal person. I eventually learned that my ex gf wasn't like any normal person. I don't think it had anything to do with her hair color though.
😄

I've known quite a lot of people with mental illness throughout my life. One tries not to judge them. But like most people in general they find for a way to hurt you. At least for me, what works is to be the best version of myself, until they either grow tired of any goodness or decide to embrace it. I'm not afraid of strangers and I've had stalkers. But I don't base present experiences on past ones. People who are extremely "careful" are a little paranoid or tend to have trauma. Trauma is part of mental illness. I think most people are in the same boat. Some just pretend to be in a different one, or think they're above. I wish I had an answer to give for your questions. I'm not that type of person. I don't live my life in fear of others and I don't feel like I have to defend myself from "unforeseen possible danger". The best I can say is if somebody annoys you, block them. Good luck on your endevour!

I don't know about patterns and signs of mental illness in general, but, having spent much time reading and listening to relationship counselors, I noticed some red flags in a lady I'd met online. When I broached the subject, the immediate response was "I don't need help!" Sadly the person had a breakdown a couple of months later. I think the best thing you can do is educate yourself about mental health (closely tied with emotional health) and be willing to assess a person critically before giving them your heart.

When a person is neuro divergent it is very difficult to ascertain which other people are destructive divergent versus normal.
You know that you are the "odd one" to begin with. So everyone else must be normal....
Add to the mix a heaping helping of insecurities, fears, and wants and a romantic relationship is like the best drug ever invented. Creates such a high that nothing else matters. Including all the red flags possible. (Including your own red flags)

Usually neuro divergence is a huge red flag of destructive tendencies.
However
Not always. High intelligence is neuro divergent. Often mistaken for common narcissism....(because narcissists believe they are above average....but are still neuro divergent ) Then there are those who are autistic and on the spectrum which are again hughly intelligent but autistic and incapable of valuing real relationships. Morality for the autistic are multiple choice....they don't really own any.

Usually the polymaths, post-secondary school high achievers, and etc are going to fill this group of neuro divergents....but it also has those with photographic memory and highly focused normals too. But they aren't exactly neuro divergent.

You can usually tell who are healthy divergent and unhealthy divergent by their friend groups. (If they have any)

I don't claim to be experienced in partner selection.But for what it is worth, here is my 2 cents worth.

Yes a person who is well put together will get more attention then people who are lacking in the good looks department.. But when you are thinking about a man or a woman you're going to have a life time relationship with you have to take into account that this person is going to be the Mom or Dad of your children... That's where all the factors outside physical attributes really come to the fore..

Physical beauty is for most of us only a short term condition.. Another 10 or 20 years time all that will be gone and what will be left is the Personality.. The Character.. These are the things that will affect your Children during the most critical years of their early lives.. In the long run they will greatly effect you too.. So if any toxicity any red flags are in that person then it is best to move on and look for another because you're not just selecting for yourself when you pick a husband or a wife..

Hi @Faceless_Nameless,

I've read some of your posts in other threads, and I pray God will give you comfort and strength through the challenges you are facing.

Thank you for your feedback -- it dawned on me that perhaps my beginning post paints me out to be so afraid of people that I never step out of my comfort zone or meet anyone.

The funny thing is that I grew up in the time before the internet. I was writing paper letters to pen pals I met through magazine exchanges long before you could look up someone's criminal history or background online. It became very "normal" to me to drive or fly to meet people I had only known through paper letters for several years, and also invite them to visit me at home.

I even had a pen pal from Japan (who brought her best friend for safety) come and stay with me for a week. We set up that trip all with paper letters that took 2-3 weeks to get to each other one way, without a single phone call or electronic exchange.

When the internet came along, I saw it as a way to meet people the same way (through writing,) but a lot faster. The difference for me is that I often get to know people in these forum/chat type settings over years, because I tend to eventually find a few (they're rare indeed) who are willing to get to know each other slowly and through writing. It's almost a happy accident in some cases, as some of the people I've become friends with were never expecting to meet anyone online who would become a real-life friend.

I've been on CC since 2009 and have met probably 25 people in real life from this site online, all of whom I met through writing first. But the key was time and consistency. I was going through some old correspondence last week and realized I've known my core group of people here for over 10 years. For whatever reason, God always has me meet people thousands of miles away, so spending time with them in person is never any small feat, and nothing short of at least a minor miracle.

Later this year, I'm gearing up to pester some of them yet again, and am excited because there will be at least one person I've known for years on the forum but it will be the first time meeting in real life.

If I do get married, I wouldn't be surprised... and would almost expect, that it might be to some long-time online friend I was able to get to know over many years. It certainly doesn't have to be that way, but... It's a lifelong pattern that seems the most likely.

*Seoulsearch waits as all her guy friends immediately disappear.*

I really appreciate all the input on this thread.

Something else that inspired this thread was a YouTube video about a show in which a man sees a sad, lonely woman at a pub (I think it's set in the UK,) and offers her a cup of tea as a gesture of kindness.

The woman then becomes psychotically attached to the man, to the point where she is continuously stalking him and then trying to ruin his life because he doesn't return her interest. It's said to be based on a particular true story.

Many of us probably know (or have gone through) this type of thing in some form in real life.

That poor man -- how was he to know his compassion would have such dire consequences?

And yet, I've known a few people who found themselves facing similar circumstances just because they tried to be nice, and it's always had me wondering if it somehow could have been prevented.

I know all about the redheads. My then-husband left me for one.

Funny thing, if people are allowed to identify as something else in any way, I have always identified as a redhead. I've always told God He made me with the wrong color hair. I even used to dye my hair burgundy for some time, but it became too expensive and too much work. But I always told God that redheads are known to have fiery attitudes and that I would have fit the bill to a T.

Want to guess how God has answered me? My lifelong childhood best friend is a redhead. My first boyfriend was a strawberry blonde. At one point, I had 3 friends who were redheads. And even now, two of my best friends have very red, envy-inducing (and total man magnet) hair.

I often picture God sitting back and laughing at me continuously.

There are so many mental illnesses out there it's hard to sum up a list of red flags. I certainly can't speak to many of them. Until a few years ago I wouldn't have acknowledged that anxiety or depression were real things; all a choice of the impacted to feel that way.

That said, I can speak to neurodivergent conditions; particularly those cluster B type mental disorders (psychopathy, aspd, narcissism). These tend to be the most damaging and detrimental long term.

They have a tendency to 'love bomb' meaning they go completely over the top showering you with affection, compliments, gifts, etc. from the word go. Be sure to make people be patient when getting to know you.

When you're getting to know them, be certain to ask questions about them. They don't have a really solid personal identity. Don't let them interrogate you for hours on end. People love to talk about themselves. These individuals will be creating a database to become the person you want them to be and grabbing soundbites to use for/against you in the future.

To your point, try to experience different groups of their friends/acquaintances. You will want to see how they act around different people. Do they have a formed solid identity regardless of whom they are speaking with? Are they almost multiple people blending into their surroundings? Do they have any actual close friends?

Hope this helps

Gingers have no soul....they are an imp of the Devil himself....